♫Yeah we movin’ on up! Mooooovin’ on up! To da east siiiiide! Moooooovin’ on up! To a deeeeeluxe muthafuckin’ White House, in da ska-ha-haaaaaaa! ♪ Yeah we kickin’ out dat crackah Bush and that lunchlady wife of his and we gonna do dis up Chi-town style, niggas! We gonna party like it’s ya birthday, but if y’all think I’m sharin’ my celebration weed, Y’ALL CRAZY!

Y’all know how HARD it is to get my hands on some shit these days? Muthafuckas stoppin’ me in da park n’ shit all, “Ain’t you married to that one nigga?” And I be all, “Shut up, fool! Just gimme somma dat damn–

[cell phone rings]

Muthafucka, hang da fuck on fuh second…Good morning, this is Michelle Obama…Oh, hello Ms. Couric how are you today?…Alright, Katie then…We’re doing fine. We’re truly inspired on this day. The American people have spoken, and now it’s up to Barack to deliver to America, and the world…Well, thank you, Katie, we certainly appreciate your support…Bye bye now.

Fuck dat bitch. Once my nigga Barry and I git moved in ‘n shit, we lockin’ up all the crackas in America. We startin’ a cracka Auschwitz n’ shit. Don’t y’all be givin’ me that look, muthafuckas. Y’all had y’all’s chance, now we gonna do this up PROPER! We gon hang a giant wooden fork and spoon up in dat big’ol dining hall. We gettin’ a log cabin bong for da Lincoln bedroom n’ shit, and then? WE GON SMOKE SOME WEEEEEEED! WE GON SMOKE SOME WEEEEEED! WE GON –

[cell phone rings]

Damn, fools! Don’t ch’all know I’m plottin’ out my LOGISTICS? Hang on…Good morning, this is Michelle…OPRAH! Hey, girl! Y’all comin’ up tonight?…Well, shit, girl, I just have to suck his dick by MY DAMN SELF then. Yeah, aight girl…Holla.

Com’on now! Let’s get this shit rollin’! Y’all know they spent a hunnud seventy million on this shit today? Think of all the weed we coulda bought with that shit! Hope ‘n change! Change ‘n hope! Smoke some weed! ♫ Ain’t no mountain high enough! And no cracker rich enough! Ain’t no bong dat’s big enough! To git me to give a shit about you, mothafucka! ♪ Aw, shit! Time to go, my niggas! Peace out!

And after all this shit, WE GON DRANK!

What the fuck you lookin’ at, fool! I see you eyein’ my celebration weed over there! You best be wise and keep off that shit. That’s for TO-NITE! For da vic’try party! We gonna git down! I got my crunk and my weeeeeed and my Henneseeeeeeey and my–

[cell phone rings]

…shit, hang on.

Good afternoon, this is Michelle Obama, how may I be of serv…Aw, shit, Oprah! You damn near scare me outta ma skin, girl! Thought you was CNN! Lemme call ya back.

So what was I sayin? Yeah, so I’m glad this shit’s FINALLY over, knowutI’m sayin? ‘Cuz if I shake hands with one more nigga I AM GONNA CHOKE A BITCH! And why the fuck are they always followin’ us around? Don’t they have JOBS n’shit? Hey, yo free health care is coming! Obama Claus is coming to yo town! Now git yo ass outta my face! And don’t you fools be touchin’ my weed, cuz that shit’s fo–

[cell phone rings again] Muthafucka what the shit? Again?

Good afternoon, this is Michelle Obama…Oh, hello Anderson, it’s very nice to hear from you…I’d love to do that, but actually, I’m unavailable tomorrow morning…4 o’clock then?…Terrific. I’ll let Barry know…I’m looking forward to it as well…Haha, yes, let’s hope so…bye bye now.

Man, that goddamn Steve Martin lookin’ muthafucka always CALLIN ME n’ shit? Bein’ all “I’d love to sit down with you and…” Nigga, sit y’ass down YO’SELF. What was I talkin’ bout? Oh yeah.

So damn, fool! You know what’s shocked me the most? ALL THESE GODDAMN WHITE PEOPLE UP IN THIS MUG? Y’all know what Gitmo is right? That’s where we’re putting all the white people. The crackers had their shot at fucking shit up. NOW IT’S OUR TURN! Whoooooose house? Ruuuuuun’s House! Fist bump, fool!

You can hang though. You cool. But you ain’t gettin’ none’my weed. We ain’t just handin’ shit out up in this mug. Git ya’own shit. Punk ass fool.