Never mess with a man’s birthday cake. More details are emerging after the shooting of Quanis Phillips outside of a club hosting Michael Vick’s birthday party. The victim was none too pleased to be told he had to leave, so naturally he slapped the birthday cake off of the nearest plate and right on to Michael Vick’s face. Frankly Phillips was lucky to get away with a couple of new holes. If he were a dog he’d still be hooked up to the rape stand. [SB Nation]

Update: Here is the shocking video of the incident from the club’s security camera. NYUK, NYUK, NYUK!

Oh, man. Oh, Lord. Oh, SHIZZAY. I didn’t shoot my boy Quanis over cake! That’s untrue! I was just trying to LIGHT that cake! If you got a better idea to light a cake than using a .357, I’d like to hear it. BITCHES.

Oh, man. I am HIGH. Let’s see Kevin Kolb get this high.

One of the odd things about Michael Vick’s signing last week was the continued presence of former Colts coach Tony Dungy by Vick’s side as both mentor and advocate. Why is Dungy so interested in Vick? Well, we at KSK recently found a tape of the two men meeting privately that explains a great deal. Here now is the transcript.

Vick: Oh, man.

Oh, Lord.

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By one sports network’s count, there are exactly eight NFL teams that have not publicly declared “no interest” in signing Michael Vick, one of which happens to be the Green Bay Packers. They’re seriously considering picking up Vick, and I think such a signing would be a good move–for them. Read the rest of this entry »

Oh, man.

Oh, Lord.

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This is a bad economy to be trifling with the support of fans and sponsors with conservative, anti-dog-killing values, and one could argue that Vick’s deteriorated acumen at quarterback wouldn’t be enough to offer a team to offset the ensuing PR meltdown from its own supporters. He could still get picked up, but it won’t be until later in the summer or early fall, when season ticket forms and sponsorship checks have already been turned in. But I’m wandering off-topic. Read the rest of this entry »

Hi, folks! I’m Alonzo Spellman, former defensive lineman for the Chicago Bears and top secret government operative for King Narudi of Jurumba. (KING, THE HEADS YOU REQUESTED ARE IN MY BAG.) You might remember me from the time I got arrested for roasting my girlfriend on a spit, or the time I defecated in Dave Wannstedt’s wallet, or the time I was caught on a surveillance camera trying to have children with a flowerpot. WHERE ELSE WOULD FLOWER CHILDREN COME FROM?

You also might remember me from such successful products as Alonzo Spellman’s Clown Burgers, Alonzo Spellman’s Tit Wrench, and Alonzo Spellman’s Baby Razors. Now I’m BACK, with an even better product!

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This week the AJC reported that in addition to switching defense attorneys, Michael Vick has been busy penning a book during his time in prison. The former Falcon is still looking for a co-author for project, so we figured we’d toss our collective hat in the ring. What follows is a list of our suggested book titles that should show Vick just how serious we are about this whole enterprise. There will be rape stand jokes.

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The Falcons are trying to trade Mike Vick, who’s due to be released from the cross-bar hotel right around the time training camps start. Here’s a look at some of the responses Atlanta has received thus far:

* some old jumper cables, four bottle caps, and a marble

* Brian Russell

* an AOL CD from 1997 (1045 hours free!!!)

* Mike Vick rookie card

* two first rounds picks (Snyder, you dumbass)

* uncomfortable silence, followed by derisive laughter