Kissing Suzy Kolber » michael vick

Why Is Tony Dungy Being So Nice To Michael Vick?

Big Daddy Drew — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 14:52:38 +0000

One of the odd things about Michael Vick’s signing last week was the continued presence of former Colts coach Tony Dungy by Vick’s side as both mentor and advocate. Why is Dungy so interested in Vick? Well, we at KSK recently found a tape of the two men meeting privately that explains a great deal. Here now is the transcript.

Vick: Oh, man.

Oh, Lord.

Oh, SHIT brother.

I am HIGH! And I’m an Eagle! God damn! How’d that happen?

Dungy: That was my doing, young man.

Vick: Oh, SHIT! Ming the Merciless! Step off, you creepy shit!

Dungy: No, Michael. It’s me. Coach Dungy.

Vick: Oh, Mr. Quiet Strength Man! How the fuck you doing? You wanna watch Gladiator with me? Fucking Gladiator and weed is DANGEROUS, like me running the ball on 3rd and 34.

Dungy: No, Michael. I’m here to support you in your rehabilitation. It was I who helped broker your deal here in Philly. It was I who convinced Mr. Lurie and Coach Reid that you were fit to play again. That you were a changed man.

Vick: Really? Why? Why’d you do that? And how’d I get so fucking HIGH? Look at my hands, man. Look at them. They’re so handsy.

Dungy: Michael, I did this because I believe in grace and forgiveness. I believe that saving wayward souls is good for the world. I believe we all have good in us, it simply needs to be brought out. But, most importantly, I need your help. Come with me.

(escorts Vick to his basement)

Come closer. I want to show you something.

Vick: THE FUCK IS THAT?!

Dungy: This is Lance. He’s the fiercest gay I’ve ever bred.

Lance: GRRRRRR!

Dungy: But I can’t seem to translate that same ferocity into the ring. I need YOU, Michael. I need your keen training skills.

Vick: Oh man, that is FUCKED UP.

Dungy: SILENCE!

(slaps Vick)

Vick: Ouch!

Dungy: You will help me train this gay to fight.

Vick: What if he doesn’t want to fight?

Dungy: Then we drown him. That’s the best part!

Vick: How long have you been doing this?

Dungy: I’ve been staging catfights for a long time now. It’s part of the culture where I come from. I mean really, they’re just gays. I don’t know why anyone would be so upset. This helps control the gay population!

Vick: Good fucking gobblers.

Dungy: Last year, Fag Newz Kennels made over $200,000 in winnings. I plan on doubling that amount this year. I need to find gays that have real gameness, like Lance here. And I need you to train them in the black brick building I have hidden on my property. And if you don’t help me, I WILL SIC MY FERAL GAYS ON YOU. Now come with me. I need to show you the rape stand.

Lance: GRRRRRR!

Vick: (throws up)

Green Bay Should Grab Michael Vick

Monday Morning Punter — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 13:35:02 +0000

By one sports network’s count, there are exactly eight NFL teams that have not publicly declared “no interest” in signing Michael Vick, one of which happens to be the Green Bay Packers. They’re seriously considering picking up Vick, and I think such a signing would be a good move–for them.

The Packers Can Take The PR Hit.The Packers have arguably the most rabid pro sports fanbase in America, and in the smallest city to lay claim as home to such a team (we’re not counting Salt Lake City, fucking LDS freaks). The waiting list for Packers tickets is over 50,000 names deep. That’s fan devotion that could withstand a little fucking with. Besides, with the Favre saga seemingly at its end, it would be a shame to let the high bullshit tolerance of Packer Nation go unutilized.

Green Bay has no depth under center whatsoever. Packer backups Matt Flynn and Brian Brohm have one year each of experience, and no starts between them. The brass must have been sniffing some badass glue when he decided to throw Aaron Rodgers on the field for his first career start last season with literally nothing but a couple of warm bodies behind him. The obvious rub for Green Bay here is that they’ll have to dispose of one of the two quarterbacks that they drafted just 16 months ago.

Playing In Wisconsin Gets Vick Out Of The House. Getting out of Virginia, where Vick spent years playing Doggie Don King, is only gonna do that guy some good. Hanging out in the middle of nowhere, with crackers at every turn, might be the shot in the arm that the three-time Pro Bowler needs. Oh sure, all of the staring and sounds of locking car doors will get old after a while, but that’s standard integration procedure here in America. Whoops, did I just call America “integrated?” My bad.

Signing Vick Totally Fucks With Aaron Rodgers. I really should like Aaron Rodgers; he’s one of the prime reasons that Brett Favre is currently sitting on his couch instead of some other team’s future. And it was Rodgers that stayed in the green room as he continued to slide down the board during the 2005 draft, as opposed to noted man-bitch Brady Quinn who ran out with his flight attendant girlfriend just two years later. Michael Vick has the potential to unseat Rodgers, or at least gerrymander the psyche of that team in trying. As it was in the 2005 draft, that’s drama that I want to see.

Sure, it’s not a perfect scenario: Vick would never get a true chance to compete for the starting job, and he’d probably prefer to play someplace where being black isn’t a Class 3 Misdemeanor. But Vick To Green Bay falls on the more feasible side of the sanity scale. The reality is that we may not see Vick suit up at all on Sundays, which would be annoying. If Green Bay has taught us anything, it’s that following quarterbacks that aren’t committed to a team is the most irritating pastime ever. Here’s hoping the Pack will spare us one more go-round of that.

KSK Kontent Klearinghouse: Ookie Returns

Christmas Ape — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 19:55:38 +0000

“Well, okay, but only since the white guy asked nice.”

Michael Vick has been “conditionally reinstated” by Roger Goodell, the condition being that Goodell is referred to as “uncle” by Vick on all occasions. Or on the condition he plays while carrying a purse with a chihuahua inside. On the condition that he makes an uncredited cameo in “Who Dat Ninja 2″. Actually, conditions will change based solely on Goodell’s whims. Hope that’s okay, Ookie.

First Cuts has a rundown on the soundtrack of the new Madden game, which, even though it’s been fairly tolerable the last few years, EA decided to overhaul its usual format in favor of giving the game a playlist fit for a 10th Guitar Hero game. (Korn, Slipknot AND Cypress Hill? It’s like the Family Values Tour on the 30-yard line!) Before you get too bummed, there are still the requisite “it’s obvious the record label paid Electronic Arts handsomely to get these artists in the game” tracks. So, welcome, Set Your Goals.

According to US Weekly, Tony Romo has instructed his top-flight security team of smiling former Blackwater operatives to keep Jessica Simpson’s goldbrickin’ ass out of his ~~beach front community~~ gated compound. It’s possible she’ll stand outside the gates Lloyd Dobler-like blasting her own music until she’s gunned down in a pool of her own blood that Papa Joe will then roll around in lasciviously, but not possible enough.

Apparently Michael David Smith thinks the Eagles will be good this year. A rare decisive stance.

Joe Flacco is taking the Derrick Mason not-quite-retirement limbo a little hard. Now that Drew Bennett’s two-day career with Baltimore is over, the Ravens may look toward Matt Jones, MarHar, Brandon Marshall or possibly go on a radical law-abiding route and land generally useless receiver D.J. Hackett to take up space.

I’m Free, Bitch!

Big Daddy Drew — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 15:05:53 +0000

Oh, man.

Oh, Lord.

Oh, SHIT.

I am goddamn HIGH!

Hoof!

And I’m free! Ain’t nothin’ like being high and staring at the sun! Hi sun! How the fuck you doin’?

DAMN, THAT’S BRIGHT!

Well, thank God that shit’s over with. Now, I can finally get back to bein’ the Michael Vick everyone knows and loves. The one that makes Roddy White worthless for fantasy purposes! Lemme just get out the ol’ to-do list here. Let’s see what MV7 has got to do.

1. Get HIGH
2. Get Mr. Home Depot Man to loan Michael $50 million
~~3. Fight dogs!~~
3. Fight, like, things besides dogs and shit
4. Buy parrot
5. See if parrots can fight, because if they can fight AND be trash talkin’, that’d be some shit
6. Hire quarterback tutor, improve running motion and stutter step
7. See what this Twitter shit all about
8. Get the dick wet
9. Eat more Chap Stik
10. Meet with commish! 7/23, 11:00AM

Hmm. 7/23. 11:00AM. Why does that time and date seem familiar to me?

/looks at clock

OH SNAP! THAT’S NOW!

/runs to commish’s office, dodges multiple cars, tries throwing burrito wrapper into trash can and hits a lamp post

Commish: Hello, Michael.

MV7: Hello, Mr. Commissioner Man. Sorry I am late. I am deeply regretful. I know I have hurt many people with my lateness. I promise that I will never be late again.

Commish: Oh well, jolly good. Sit down.

MV7: You got it.

Commish: Now Michael, before I fully reinstate you, I wanted to meet with you face to face.

MV7: Well, here’s my face!

Commish: As you know, you’ve lied to me here in the past. So this is a chance for you to be honest with me. Fresh start. Do you think you’ve been rehabilitated?

MV7: Rehabilitated? Well, now let me see. You know, I don’t have any idea what that means. There’s not a day goes by I don’t feel regret. Not because I’m in here, or because you think I should. I look back on the way I was then: a young, stupid kid who committed that terrible crime. I want to talk to him. I want to try and talk some sense to him, tell him the way things are. But I can’t. That kid’s long gone and this old man is all that’s left. I got to live with that. Rehabilitated? It’s just a hot dog.

Commish: A hot dog?

MV7: SHIT! I meant to say that I don’t give a shit.

Commish: You don’t give a shit?

MV7: No, wait! God dammit! See, this is why Morgan Freeman is so clutch. Listen, Mr. Commissioner Man, I know what I did was wrong. Fighting dogs is wrong. I was wrong. That was wrong. I feel wrong. I’ve committed a great wrong. There is much wrongness is what I’ve done. If I could erase the wrongocity of my actions, I would. I feel very wrongly about this. WRONG.

Commish: What’s this about you and Allen Iverson patronizing a strip club?

MV7: Oh, that ain’t nothin’ but some bitches.

Commish: What?

MV7: I mean, that was wrongful.

Commish: Okay, Michael. You’ve made your case. Not all that eloquently, but I know you spoke from the heart. So I am compelled to grant you conditional reinstatement.

MV7: FUCK YEAH! I’M BACK, BITCH! CAN’T NOBODY DO WHAT I DO! WAIT TILL GREG KNAPP GETS A LOAD OF MY ASS FAKE! (wiggles ass) I LEARNED THAT IN JAIL! AIN’T NO DICK CATCH THIS ASS!

Commish: Provided you present yourself with humility and grace.

MV7: Oh. Yes. I will do that and shit. You got my word, Sizzurp.

Commish: Okay, you can go.

MV7: Oh, you won’t regret this, Mr. Commissioner Man. MV7 IS READY TO SHINE ONCE AGAIN! HE’S GONNA TAKE THAT FIELD LIKE A CRAZED DOG!

Commish: A what?

MV7: LIKE A CRAZED GUINEA PIG! G-FORCE AND SHIT!

Photo via The Onion

The Only Reason The Bengals Won’t Go After Michael Vick

Monday Morning Punter — Thu, 21 May 2009 13:12:20 +0000

This is a bad economy to be trifling with the support of fans and sponsors with conservative, anti-dog-killing values, and one could argue that Vick’s deteriorated acumen at quarterback wouldn’t be enough to offer a team to offset the ensuing PR meltdown from its own supporters. He could still get picked up, but it won’t be until later in the summer or early fall, when season ticket forms and sponsorship checks have already been turned in. But I’m wandering off-topic.

I wrote yesterday that Vick’s unusual label as The Dog Killer among fans would be near-impossible to shake. Oh sure, the networks producing the games will do everything to make you try. You’ll hear about how Vick is ready to “move on” and “rebuild his life” and maybe we’ll watch some semi-sincere mea culpa from Vick on ESPN over soft piano music. And we’ll watch and think Yeah, Mike. We get it. You’re sorry. If I had pissed away over $100 million the way you did, I’d be sorry, too. If you only had some fresh-faced children and an incredibly gullible wife that the cameras could pan to every 45 seconds. That worked like a charm for Kobe Bryant.

Bengals owner Mike Brown enjoys giving people second chances, although he does seem to enjoy picking up the occasional discarded player with “character issues” and the like (see “Benson, Cedric,” and the first day of this year’s draft). He seems like the perfect owner to get into The Dog Killing quarterback business. Brown knows what those sorts of players know, that if you want to be in the NFL, it’s Bengals or bust. Anybody can fuck up eight ways to Sunday, but if you’ve got game, just wait by the phone, because Mike Brown will be calling. Probably collect, too. Cheap bastard.

Two reasons why the Bengals won’t go after Vick (yeah, I lied. Shoot me). One, obviously, is Palmer. The Bengals have a franchise quarterback in place for the next six years, meaning that either Vick would be trading doses of pepper spray with Benson in the backfield or changing the name on the back of his jersey to SIETE and lining up in the slot across from Chad Whatshisname, which, come to think, wouldn’t be such a horrible PR makeover at all.

But there is another reason, and this would be more applicable to other teams in the running for whatever service Vick intends to offer another team. And that’s the obvious PR problem–you can’t reward the fans for the leap of faith it would take for them to root for Michael Vick again. I presume that you, like me, were in awe and appreciation of the highlight reel scrambles the guy would churn out for the Falcons each week. I loved that element of his game, but you know damn well that I avoided his ass in fantasy football like the plague.

If Vick could lead his new team to the Super Bowl, The Dog Killer would be reinvented as A Guy That Won The Dogfight Of His Life or some other sappy shit like that. And it would take at least that to get the dog-killing taste out of everyone’s mouth. And by everyone, I mean “white people,” because they seem to be the only ones hung up on this whole thing. Get over yourselves, white people.

But the Bengals aren’t going to a Super Bowl any sooner than Drew’s posing for Playgirl or Jesus returning to earth to tell everyone what big assholes they’ve been. It’s not happening. But what about the rest of the league? How much better can Mike Vick make your team?

Of course, the Bengals will probably sign him next week now. Damn you, Mike Brown.

Alonzo Spellman’s Dog Saw Can Cut A Dog In Half Faster Than Regular Dog Saws!

Big Daddy Drew — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 15:20:12 +0000

Hi, folks! I’m Alonzo Spellman, former defensive lineman for the Chicago Bears and top secret government operative for King Narudi of Jurumba. (KING, THE HEADS YOU REQUESTED ARE IN MY BAG.) You might remember me from the time I got arrested for roasting my girlfriend on a spit, or the time I defecated in Dave Wannstedt’s wallet, or the time I was caught on a surveillance camera trying to have children with a flowerpot. WHERE ELSE WOULD FLOWER CHILDREN COME FROM?

You also might remember me from such successful products as Alonzo Spellman’s Clown Burgers, Alonzo Spellman’s Tit Wrench, and Alonzo Spellman’s Baby Razors. Now I’m BACK, with an even better product!

It’s Alonzo Spellman’s Dog Saw! We all know sawing off the limbs and heads of your dog can be a real pain! Blood goes everywhere. Your wrists get sore. AND THAT FUCKING DOG WON’T STOP BARKING. SHUT UP, DOG. YOU BARK BECAUSE YOU’RE TOO DUMB TO KNOW HOW TO TALK. I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT, DOG. BUT YOU CANNOT HAVE MY PRECIOUS TALKING PILLOW. IT HOLDS THE SECRET TO LIFE.

Well, with my new, patented Dog Saw, the everyday chore of butchering your dog is now a snap! The cushioned handle is designed by Oxo for maximum comfort! No more pulling up halfway through your dog to rest up! And my saw’s teeth are crafted from 100% stainless steel made in China. AND IF ANYONE KNOWS HOW TO CHOP UP A PUPPY, IT’S THOSE CHINAMEN. This saw don’t bark. IT BITES, BITCH!

My saw blade comes with a lifetime guarantee against corrosion, rust, or dulling. No matter how many dogs you need to cut through, Alonzo Spellman’s Dog Saw is up to the task! AND IT CAN SAW THROUGH ALL BREEDS: Labradors, Great Danes, Irish Wolfhounds, Portuguese Water Dogs, Pugs, Greyhounds, Dalmations, German Shepards, those fucking dogs that look like a ballsack. What dog is that again?…

Yeah, that one. I FUCKING HATE THOSE DOGS. STOP DISGUISING YOURSELF AS MY BALLS, DOG. YOU CAN’T FIT IN MY PANTS.

Don’t settle for some fucking pussy faggot dog saw that can only handle Pomeranians. Alonzo Spellman’s Dog Saw is endorsed by the people at Stihl and is the #1 choice for professional dog carvers the world over. It can saw a dog in half TWICE as fast as any other dog saw on the market. LOOK! It can cut through this dog…

And stay razor sharp enough to cut through a tin can, a piece of aluminum siding, and then a nursing student! Like I said: IT BITES, BITCH! Just ask my top customer…

Oh, man.

Oh, shit.

Oh, goddamn bitch.

I AM HIGH.

What we doing here? OH, SNAP! IS THAT AN ALONZO SPELLMAN DOG SAW? THAT’S THE TOP DOG SAW ON THE MARKET! Uh… but, like, I wouldn’t know anything about that. I’m a reformed now, and I definitely don’t cut up dogs. That is wrong, and you kids shouldn’t, like, do that and shit. I think it may have hurt my throwing motion. THAT’S WHY RODDY WHITE COULDN’T ADJUST.

So yeah, no dog saws for me. Although yeah, Spellman make one good fucking dog saw. That shit’ll never jam up on you. Wait! Don’t quote this in an ad or anything!

You see?! But order your Alonzo Spellman’s Dog Saw NOW! Supplies are limited, and I must flee for the Ivory Coast before the end of the week! The CIA knows too much. I THINK THEY MAY HAVE FOUND THE BONES IN MY SHED. THOSE ARE NOT MY BONES, MR. MAN.

Order your today by sending $45,000,000 in solid gold coins to this address:

The Small Mound Of Dirt Along I-66.
Manassas, VA

Be sure to send the gold in a bubble pack to prevent denting. Gold is very soft, LIKE A NICE TIT. Order now and I’ll throw in Alonzo Spellman’s Cat Eye Pliers absolutely FREE!

But hurry! YOU AIN’T EVER SAW A DOG SAW LIKE THIS!

Suggested Titles For Michael Vick’s Manuscript

Unsilent Majority — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 14:27:08 +0000

This week the AJC reported that in addition to switching defense attorneys, Michael Vick has been busy penning a book during his time in prison. The former Falcon is still looking for a co-author for project, so we figured we’d toss our collective hat in the ring. What follows is a list of our suggested book titles that should show Vick just how serious we are about this whole enterprise. There will be rape stand jokes.

Mexican Psycho
If I Did It…Ah Fuck, Yeah I Did It
Everyone Makes Mistakes
Little Bitches
White Fang
The Red Badge of Dog Blood
One Flew Over the Fighting Pit
How Much is That Doggie in the Window and How Quickly Can I Strip of His Loving, Docile Demeanor and Turn Him into a Vicious Killing Machine With a Taste for Flesh?
To Kill a Fighting Dog
All Dogs Go To The Rape Stand
Slaughterhouse-Fido
If It Ain’t A Pit, It Ain’t Shit
Why Michael Jenkins is to Blame For This Entire Mess
Rin Tin TKO
I Might Have Misunderstood the Phrase ‘Hangdog Expression’
Mike’s Adventures In Jenkem Land
Marley and His Opponent and Me
101 Dalmatians with Their Throats Ripped Out
Four Legs And A Funeral
What We Did When We Didn’t Feel Like Playing Tiger Woods
Dead Dogs Tell No Tails
I Know Why the Caged Dog Howls (Because I Electrocuted Its Balls)
No Exit: And Three Other Stories About The Torture Room
Oedipus Rex and Other Dogs I Killed
The Killing of a Chinese Ookie
Howl and Other Poems About Dog Rape
The Rape Stand In the Rye
Dogtown and C-Block
Doghouse versus Big House — WHO YA GOT?
Everything is Illuminated (Because Otherwise You Couldn’t See the Dogs Fight)
The Canine Pugilist at Rest
Turner vs. Hooch
Air Bud 6: Ultimate Fighter
Milo and Otis’ Severed Claw
Lassie Come Fight

Add your own in the comments.

Step right up and win some crap!

flubby — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 21:04:23 +0000

The Falcons are trying to trade Mike Vick, who’s due to be released from the cross-bar hotel right around the time training camps start. Here’s a look at some of the responses Atlanta has received thus far:

* some old jumper cables, four bottle caps, and a marble

* Brian Russell

* an AOL CD from 1997 (1045 hours free!!!)

* Mike Vick rookie card

* two first rounds picks (Snyder, you dumbass)

* uncomfortable silence, followed by derisive laughter

Drop that cruller, fatty!Mike Vick’s Doggie Crunch-O’s have arrived

flubby — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 11:13:00 +0000

NSFW language.

I miss Mike Vick. Sure he killed some dogs, but, dammit, he made last year’s off-season slightly less miserable. This year we have nothing. Well, nothing except mocking Pats’ fans and the occasional comic relief from YouTube.

Maybe I’m over-analyzing this video, but marketing a weed-based breakfast cereal seems counterintuitive since stoners sleep past noon and tend to skip breakfast. Still, it’s not difficult to imagine Mike Vick getting high and staring into his Alpha-Bits looking for a message telling him how he’s going to get out of the mess that his life has become.

Michael Vick Breaks Out Of Jail, Gains 4,000 Lbs., Joins Packers

Big Daddy Drew — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 14:15:00 +0000

Reader Andrew T. points us to obscure second year d-lineman Alfred Malone, who recently joined the Packers. Something about Alfred looks awfully familiar. Even suspicious. As flubby noted, Alfred Malone is an even worse pseudonym than Ron Mexico. Sounds like a shotgun-toting Irish nightwatchman.

Still an improvement over Favre, though.