Another Firemas miracle! The Dolphins have canned Tony Sparano a day after transforming the best 4-8 team in history into just another terrible 4-9 team. That’s the nature of the business, I’m afraid. Another distressing trend in Firemas is teasing downtrodden fans with welcome firings, only to devastate them further with even worse replacements. Just as Chiefs fans must abandon all hope for years with the reports that Josh McDaniels will probably take over for Todd Haley, so too must Dolphins fans prepare their anus for the malevolent mastermindery of Carl Peterson as GM. The way things are going, the Chargers will finally ax Norv just to bring Martyball back.
If only the Broncos had just gone ahead and traded Kyle Orton to the Dolphins, things might be somewhat better right now. Tim Tebow would have started right out of the gate for Denver – no fuss, no billboard bullsh*t. He would have sucked and probably would have already been benched by now. And the Dolphins would be marginally better at quarterback. Even if Orton had been injured as Chad Henne was, at least then Henne would be starting tonight instead of Matt Moore. Big deal, you scoff. WELL IT IS! Matt Moore makes Chad Henne look like Aaron Rodgers. This will not be fun. You remember that game last season between the Bears and Panthers where Chicago won 23-6 even though their starting QB, Todd Collins, completed 37.5 percent of his passes, threw four interceptions and had a QB rating of 6.2? Probably not, and you shouldn’t, but here’s a pertinent fact: MATT F*CKING MOORE WAS THE OPPOSING QUARTERBACK.
It’s all up to super cray-cray wide receiver Brandon Marshall to live up to his promise of a quarter and a half of amazing output before he does something derptarded and gets himself tossed from the game. Knowing him, he’ll punch a woman or something, but we’ll get to experience the shocking and disturbing moment together.
Presenting the regular season debut of Ocho with the Pats. The first appearance of the tired husk of Larry Johnson with Miami. Mostly likely Reggie Bush’s first five fumbles with the Dolphins.
Oh yeah, and there’s a late game. Maybe if six Broncos quarterbacks get hurt, maybe Tebow will play.
Look, the Bears defense had an outstanding night. You can qualify that by saying they faced Tyler Thigpen and that the Dolphins lost another starting lineman and Brandon Marshall during the game. Either way, you don’t go on the road and shut out a team with a winning record without playing exceedingly well.
That said, Matt Millen can eat a kiddie pool full of Dungeness dicks for slathering his Rod Marinelli love juices all over the broadcast. No one wants to hear him slobber over and shamelessly defend one of his former employees in Detroit. Yeah, Rod Marinelli might be doing a fine job as a defensive coordinator, but he was horrid as a head coach and Millen touting his excellence doesn’t make his stint in Detroit any less a disaster. It’s a goddamn joke.
And, of course, whenever you get either the Bears or the Dolphins, you’re in store for a QB carousel graphic or four. Get the teams on the same field and they have to do a separate set of player introductions just to fit them all in.
With the two Chads injured, Miami is forced to turn to Tyler Thigpen at quarterback. It’s once again Coastal Carolina’s time to shine! But let’s not downplay the difficulty of the task. How could Thigpen possibly hope to replace the nine touchdowns and 11 interceptions Chad Henne has contributed to this offense? Hopefully it involves raping more skeletons.
Every pundit presumes the Dolphins are going to revert to a Wildcat-heavy offense, which is actually kind of a relief. If you’ve watched any of their games this year, you know how announcers like to breathlessly explain how Miami hasn’t actually used the formation much this year, as though they were the first to strike upon such keen insight.
The Bears, meanwhile, are 6-3 but have only defeated one team with a winning record this year, and that was the Packers in the Monday night game where Green Bay committed something like 56,000 penalties. And if history has taught us anything, this is right around the time of year that Jay Cutler begins to sabotage any hope of his team making the playoffs.
Oh, and because I don’t feel like writing a separate post for it – here’s yet another example of Bill Simmons being a douchetard on television, via PTI today.
Kornheiser asked what to make of Justin Bieber wearing a Yankees hat at a concert in Boston or somesuch shit no one cares about and Simmons said the move was “beatdownworthy.” Of course he did.
“NO LITTLE FACKIN HOMO WIGGAH KID STEALS TAWWMMY BRADY’S TRADEMAHHK HAY-UH AND TRADEMAAHHK YANKEES HATS AND DOES NAWT PAY IN BLOOD! BILLY SIMMONS, BLUEBUG AND THE HOLY CRAWSS POSS WILL BEAT THAT ASS, BEEBAH!”
If that DirecTV commercial is to believed, this is a fierce rivalry where animosity runs rampant and regional stereotypes are constantly being reinforced. Of course, as opposed to the commercial, this game is in Miami, where instead of flinging snow at your door, Dolphins fans will mix up your medication to hilarious effect!
I feel like every Monday night game in Miami ends with the Dolphins hilariously failing to put together a last-minute score to win an otherwise entertaining and close contest. I suppose there are worse games to watch. That abortion in the New Meadowlands last night being a prime example.
It’s that time of year when we make bad predictions about the upcoming season and bad jokes, all in the same post. Next up: the AFC East, where even the presence of Bill Belichick, Bill Parcells and Rex Ryan can’t counterbalance the crushing weight of suck that is Chan Gailey.
BUFFALO BILLS
Your rooting interest is invalid.
Key Additions: C.J. Spiller, Dwan Edwards, Cornell Green, Andra Davis
- Holy shit, this team is terrible.
- Just really, really godawful.
- I can’t even intellectually assess the depths of its horrors.
- And Chan Gailey is coaching this team? Jeeeeesus.
- If the recent history of their quarterbacks is any indication, Trent Edwards will be a UFL champion by the end of the year.
- Bonus sixth fact: By virtue of having no other recognizable receivers on the roster, f*ckface Lee Evans once again has become a tempting fantasy option. DO NOT BE DUPED, FAIR CITIZENS!
Over/Under For 2010: 5.5 wins
Verdict: UNDER
One thing that I’ve appreciated about the recent terrible Rams teams is that St. Louis has been generous both will giving wins to opponents but also racking up fantasy points for Steven Jackson owners. If there’s anything that really irritates me, it’s a team that is at once worthless on the field, but also in the fantasy game as well (looking at you, Tampa Bay). All this is just my way of saying, “Hey, Chan Gailey, don’t force me to make orphans of your children, and then corpses of those orphans, and then sex objects of those corpses. Just keep running C.J. Spiller and all will be well.”
MIAMI DOLPHINS
“Oh my God! The undead have risen and are rooting tepidly for Miami!”
Key Additions: Brandon Marshall, Karlos Dansby, Richie Incognito
Key Departures: Ted Ginn, Jr., Joey Porter, Jason Taylor’s automobile navigation skills, Gibril Wilson, Pat White, Greg Camarillo
Five Fast Facts About The Dolphins:
- Kendall Langford never recovered the 2.5-carat earring he lost at practice last week. Using this as an example of how practice is bad for you, Albert Haynesworth just purchased a diamond body suit.
- Brian Hartline: Ohio State’s latest scrappy hope at redemption with the Dolphins after the atrocity that was Ted Ginn, Jr.
- When informed that he would be a Pro Bowl alternate last season, Lousaka Polite, wrote a very moving thank you note to all the coaches and players, even though they didn’t initially grant him a place on the team.
- Ricky Williams, who once said he was going to retire after the 2010 season, is now seeking a contract extension from the Dolphins. Obviously he doesn’t want to miss out on the lockout year reefer madness that Florio is blithering about.
- This team somehow willingly accepted Benny Sapp when they traded Greg Camarillo to the Vikings. Maybe the threat of cheap shots will be used as a deterrent to keep Brandon Marshall from beating up more women.
Over/Under For 2010: 8.5 wins
Verdict: OVER
The Dolphins have been getting a lot of preseason playoff hype for a team that has Chad Henne as its starting quarterback. Nevertheless, Henne looked at times halfway decent during his first year as a starter in 2009 and will certainly be aided by the addition of Marshall. If Ronnie Brown could ever be trusted not to get injured at some point in the season, I would feel somewhat better about their chances, especially with Sticky Ricky having turned 33 this year. Still, I see Miami taking an incremental step forward.
Key Departures: Benjamin Watson, Jarvin Green, Adalius Thomas, Shawn Springs
Five Fast Facts About The Greatriots:
- Bill Simmons is using the image of rookie tight Rob Gronkowski as his Twitter avatar. Chances he wears his jersey to an upcoming screening of The Town? About the same of there being six unnecessary exterior shots of Fenway Park in that movie.
- Leigh Bodden went on IR the last week of August. When this is considered to be big news, your team did not have a very good secondary to begin with.
- Lucky for the Pats, but the Red Sox are still nine games back from deflecting any interest once the season begins Sunday. Just kidding, the NFL season still won’t start in Boston until October.
- New punter Zoltan Mesko speaks five languages and holds two degrees, including a master’s in sports management. Says Pats fan: “WELL IF HE’S SO FACKING SMAHT, WHY DONCHA READ MY FAHTUNE, YA RAAHMANIAN GYPSY FACK!?”
- I think it bears repeating that flubby’s suggestion of “Consequences Will Never Banta-Cain” is still the most clever fantasy name I’ve heard this year.
Over/Under For 2010: 9.5 wins
Verdict: UNDER
Hey, remember those halcyon days a few years back when the Patriots didn’t have to worry about the slightest bit of competition from anyone in their division? That sure was fun, wasn’t it? The Patriots responded to the mammoth drubbing they took in the first round of the playoffs last season by… doing very little with the roster. That isn’t necessarily a horrible thing, but the Dolphins and the Jets have certainly found a way to improve while the Pats are standing, uh, pat. That and Randy Moss has already gone into full-on sulking mode before the season has even begun. Here’s to future route jogging, Randy.
NEW YORK JETS
Key Additions: Santonio Holmes, LaDainian Tomlinson, Antonio Cromartie, Jason Taylor, Nick Folk, Brodney Poole
Key Departures: Alan Faneca, Leon Washington, Thomas Jones, Kerry Rhodes, Jay Feely, several hundred Rex Ryan shits
Five Fast Facts About The Jets:
- Ben Hartsock? Your new nickname is COCKSOCK. It’s not subtle, but then again, there’s never anything subtle about a cock in a sock.
- Sure, Nick Mangold got a new car from his bet with Darrelle Revis. But Holly Mangold got… nothing. Such are the consequences of living in a nation that so harshly punishes female obesity.
- Thought you disliked LaDainian Tomlinson before? Well, if you drafted Shonn Greene, wait until LaToeInjury steals far too many of his carries because Rex wants to prove how smart he was to sign him.
- Tired of the constant Terminator jokes, John Conner has vowed that if the machines do rise up, he will be sure to destroy all movie playing devices first.
- Veteran fullback Tony Richardson was cut by the team earlier this week, only to be signed again a day later. Richardson said his day away from the Jets felt like five years, or 1/25th of his career.
Over/Under For 2010: 9.5 wins
Verdict: OVER
The overwhelming amount of hype surrounding this team has caused some to assume that the Jets will completely fall on their face and finish .500 or possibly worse. I had a hard time believing that even before Darrelle Revis finally signed and I have a harder time believing it now. Granted, the imminent shittiness of Mark Sanchez prevents them from being a lock to make the Super Bowl, much less win the division, but it’s pretty safe to say the Jets will win at least 10 games.
The NFL is a fraternity! A fraternity of men! Men that do quasi-homosexual things and then pelt outsiders with slurs of disdain! This is the concept of “fraternity” that passed through my string bean of a mind when I saw Steelers defensive back Ike Taylor mutter something to Dolphins quarterback Pat White, who was strapped to a cart being driven off the field at Land Shark Stadium Sunday. So what did Ike say to him? Here are a few good guesses:
“Welcome to the NFL.”
“I guess you won’t be going out with us after the game for nachos.”
“What did you think of Avatar? Was the message of environmentalism too heavy-handed?”
“Do these yellow pants make me look fat?”
“How close are we to Orlando?”
“Do you know Jimmy Buffet? Did he actually invent the dinner buffet?”
“Have you heard the new Lady Gaga single? Artistically, it has a lot of merit.”
“I’m not touching you…I’m not touching you…”
“They should let me drive the cart. After all, I’m the one that knocked yo’ ass out.”
“Someday we’re both gonna look back on this and laugh. Well, I will…”
“Good thing I started Jim Sorgi in fantasy this week instead of you.”
“A padlock attached to a belt? Damn, and here I am using a Moët bottle like a chump.” –Antonio Cromartie
Authorities say NFL trash talk led to the murder of a Florida prison inmate. Willie Smith reportedly taunted fellow inmate Vincent Lee, repeatedly shouting “Dolphins suck!” The next morning, Lee exacted his revenge:
Lee entered Smith’s cell with a padlock attached to a black belt and hit Smith in the head. Lee had a one-and-a-half foot shiv in his waistband, though it’s not clear if he used the weapon. Lee was able to clean up much of the blood and flushed a sheet down a toilet before being detained by guards. Smith died eight days later.
Remember that big offseason fight that Rex Ryan had with Channing Crowder? Of course you don’t, because everyone stopped paying attention to the Dolphins weeks ago. “BUT REX DIDN’T FORGET! HE’S GONNA HAVE LINEMEN DRIVING AT THEM KNEES, STOCKARD CHANNING!”
But Rex also needs to know his rookie is ready to rebound from his disastrous performance against the Saints.
I MEAN, REALLY READY!
Oh loogit, little Nacho (his actual Rex-imposed nickname is the much more unfortunate Sanchise) is Twitter-humming the Monday Night Football theme. He hasn’t been this excited since his first date rape at USC. Good thing he doesn’t tell any jokes on his feed. It always weirds me out when Spanish-speaking people write out laughter as “jejejejejejeje” online.
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/global/images/default-avatar.jpg){kind=avatar}
