One thing I love about the NFL playoffs is that it inspires sincere, yet misguided, fans to produce YouTube videos that 1) are absolute comedy gold; and 2) make my job easier. Today “leewilliamsinthedell” tells us who’s gonna win dat Super Bowl (SPOILER ALERT: dem Saints is). So sit back and allow me to breakdown this 21st century minstrel show.

0:09 – Chill coat, brah. What is that, faux ocelot?

0:15 – If you’re above the age of 25 and still keep Jaegermeister in your freezer, you probably ought to question the direction in which your life is headed.

0:19 – There is a zero percent chance this guy’s favorite player is someone other than Jeremy Shockey.

0:22 – Popeye’s fried chicken– perhaps I’ve judged this guy too harshly.

0:38 – Hokie Gajan: coolest name in the world or coolest name in the universe?

0:44 – Oh hey, gun show in New Orleans this week– corner of Rampart & Dumaine.

0:50 – Wait, did he just hope for the Saints to take the opening kickoff back for a– touchback?

0:57 – Just when I thought they weren’t going to bust out the running man—BOOM! They bust out the running man.

1:14 – You know your team isn’t steeped in playoff history when your defining highlight is a muffed punt by Az Hakim.

1:33 – Brian Milne restores a man’s faith in the almighty.

1:42 - He would have thrown some love the o-line’s way, but it’s a bitch thinking of something that rhymes with “Stinchcomb”.

1:47 – Dissecting a frog? That’s some Cajun on Cajun violence right there.

2:03 – More memorable moments in Saints history: Steve Gleason blocks a punt during the “Domecoming” win over the Falcons after Katrina. I bet that guy is a hero in New Orleans and would never volunteer something as degrading as getting tasered by the local sheriff. Wait, he did? Whoopsie doodle.

2:28 – Enough with the context-less highlights, please.

2:40 – So watching the Super Bowl at Cajun Mike’s is preferable to actually attending the game in person? I call bullshit. Unless he’s talking about the 2012 Super Bowl in Indianapolis—in which case I wholeheartedly agree.

2:48 – Damn, Zack Galifianakis has got some moves, yall.

Wow, that was a piece of work. Dreadlock Do the Shoe guy better step up his game.

I took this picture of Mariel at a charity event three years ago. She loved cheerleading. And I loved her. 

We met in college at a vending machine. She asked if she could borrow a dollar from me, and I jokingly replied that I needed collateral. She wrote her number in my algebra book, and told me to call her sometime. We went out that weekend. 

What I didn’t know was that Mariel was in the budding stages of a horrible meth addiction. At first I tried to ignore it, I really thought she was just a care-free girl. The night before graduation, she was strung out on meth, and I wasn’t sure what to do, so my best friend and I tag-teamed her under the goalpost in the football stadium. The south one, I think. It might be why she went out for the Redskins’ squad that fall. 

But then her addiction got worse. Pretty soon, everything in her life revolved around getting her Next Fix. All she wanted to was get high. I went over one night to see her, and to get my dick sucked, when I found her laying naked in the driveway, face-down, eating through her own wrist. She had just been kicked off the cheerleading team, she said. Blood dripped from her mouth. I called 911 from my cell phone, and then I drove off. 

And that was three years ago, and not a day goes by when I don’t wonder what actually happened to her. I feel like I should have done more, like I shouldn’t have abandoned her. I hope she managed to straighten her life out. Mariel, if you’re still out there, baby, I just want you to know, you still owe me a dollar you fucking bitch.