Here’s a rundown of stuff we didn’t get to for full posts today because we’re lazy masturbaters.

First, up top is a new video poking fun at the shtick of Mel Kiper Jr., who isn’t quite as reviled by our commenters as I would have suspected. C’MON HE’S FROM BALTIMORE, PEOPLE!

The latest post from Marty B is up and it’s another classic. Curious about the racially hot-button issue that is black people’s love of fried chicken and also why black people don’t come in picture frames (Answer: because black people are already framed in real life! ZING!), he decided to poll NUMEROUS PEOPLE and report his findings. He should work for Gallup.

The Jaguars joined the Lions in revealing fugtastic Arena League-esque uniforms. So the 13 people who own Jags jerseys will have to update with a new one. They even make Silky Garrard look off-putting. For shame.

The hot transactional-type rumors of the moment have Carolina shipping Julius Peppers to New England for a 2nd round pick and Richard Seymour. Drew said he can already hear Simmons saying he was the only one who knew Seymour was on the decline. Also, Tony Gonzalez is rumored to be heading to Philly. Because someone who keeps a macrobiotic diet would really be happy on an Andy Reid-coached team.

We at KSK pride ourselves on being experts on all things hateful. There isn’t a feeling of anger, malice, or burning ire that we haven’t experienced and then cataloged for future use. It’s our job at this site to keep your hate fresh and nubile. To that end, I’d like to introduce the KSK Haterometer, in which we debate with ourselves who in the world of football is worth our unbridled scorn, and who is not, and let YOU make the final decision as to who is hateworthy. Play along with us now, as we consider the case for and the case against hating this week’s subject: Mel Kiper Jr.

The Case Against Hating Mel Kiper Jr.

I personally enjoy Mel Kiper Jr.’s work. If it were up to me, ESPN’s coverage of the draft would consist of nothing but Mike Tirico as host and Kiper as sole analyst. I don’t need any of the other 37 assholes ESPN has wandering around the set. I don’t need Merril Hoge breaking down tape in a horrible suit and then making some retarded pronouncement. I don’t need Stuart Scott verbally tonguing the assholes of every draftee he comes into contact with. I don’t need a fucking roundtable of current players. I don’t need any of that shit.

Mel Kiper works his entire year for this one day. Let him fucking have it to himself. I don’t think there’s any danger of Mel running out of shit to say. You bring up some third string running back from Carson Newman and Mel can go on and on about him for seventeen minutes. “Jamal Woolsley. Good kid. He’s a banger, Mike. Likes contact. Not afraid of contact. Benched over 400 pounds in Indianapolis. Not a breakaway threat like a Knowshon Moreno. He’s probably gonna start out on special teams. But I think he could be a decent change of pace back for a team that needs shoring up at that position. He could backup A FRANK GORE, or A STEVE SLATON. Still needs to work on catching the ball out of the backfield, though. Also a bad sport when playing Monopoly. You like to see that kinda fire in a kid. But I expect more poise from the young man when he lands on my Pennsylvania Avenue and I CLEAN OUT HIS SHIT.”

Does Mel really know all this shit about every player? Probably not. But he sure sounds like he does, and that’s good enough for me. What I like about Kiper is how much he really, truly cares about the draft. He’s genuinely passionate, and more interested in the draft itself that how he looks while presenting the draft, which I think sets him apart from every other dipshit on the set. He’s firm in his opinions without being insufferable about it. He has a sense of humor about himself, even when some dicksmack is joking about his hair for the 7,000th time (Hey, it looks like a helmet! Mel’s never heard that before!).

I’m all right with Mel Kiper Jr.

The Case For Hating Mel Kiper Jr.

Fuck Mel Kiper Jr. FUCK THAT BALTIMORE ASSHOLE RIGHT IN THE FUCKING EYE. Every year I gotta see that fucking graphic. “Mel’s Best Available”? The fuck do you know, prick? YOU’RE MAKING IT UP AS YOU GO ALONG.

Hey Mel, I got a good prospect for you: my hairy balls slapping you in your big stupid face. Eat shit, cumgargler.

Now it’s your turn. Rate your hate for Mel on a scale of 0 (no hate) to 10 (rape hate). As Leitch might say, do you like the Kiper? Do you not like the Kiper?

1. Bill Polian and I are good friends, honest.

2. I don’t want Fop, goddamn it! I’m a Dapper Dan man!

3. I’m proud to be from Baltimore. Seriously!

4. There never was a Mel Kiper Sr.

5. I maintain that Andre Ware and Mike Williams would have had hall of fame careers had they been drafted by someone other than the Lions.

6. I have a lifetime contract with ESPN.

7. I will never die.

8. I’m still not sold on Marshall Faulk, but let me tell you something about Akili Smith!

9. I’m a confirmed dick.

10. Jay Cutler thinks he can defy me with his “on-field performance”, but I will bring his ass down.

11. I don’t have many friends, which is why I try to befriend certain player agents whenever possible.

12. Stock Up: My neighbor’s kid. Show me another 10 year-old with that tight a spiral.

13. Stock Down: My kid. It’s like he doesn’t even want to play actual football. Instead he spends all of his time pretending to be a scout. Such a sad, pale kid. Great hair though.

14. Todd McShay is still mad because I put my dick in his mouth while he was sleeping. More like Todd McGay, right?

15. The Redskins have traded two future picks for the rights to the 16th random thing about me.

16. With the 16th random thing about Mel Kiper Jr. the Washington Redskins select Darrius Heyward- Bay from the University of Maryland. His jersey is now available at the team store for $249.99 plus shipping and handling.

17. My ball sweat smells exactly like cocktail onions.

18. If it weren’t for me Joe Lunardi would be sucking cock for gas money.

19. People don’t like me because I’m way too real for them.

20. Cutler demanded a trade? See, I told you he’s a fucking bum! Does Leinart demand trades? Fuck no, he just sits there on the bench like a franchise quarterback ought to.

21. If you’re ever watching the draft and wondering why I’m making “that face” it’s because I have to fart. Badly.

22. Berman never makes that face because he doesn’t bother holding them in. It bothers some people, but I find myself enjoying his mighty flatulence.

23. I am in the process of locking down a patent for my pube styling gel.

24. I have seven cats and they’re each named for a monumental draft bust.

25. I’ll see you at my Hall of Fame induction.