Yesterday we solicited questions for our first ever fantasy advice/sex advice mailbag, and you folks came through spectacularly. In fact, it appears that’s about the only time you folks come spectacularly. Our readership seems to have constant problems both winning their fantasy leagues and bringing their women to orgasm. JUST LIKE US! Who would have guessed?

Well, fear not. We’re all in this together. I can’t promise you that we’ll be able to solve your problems in the bedroom, or on the fantasy gridiron. But we WILL be able to publicly and cruelly mock you for your sexual inadequacies and low fantasy IQ. And isn’t that really what this mailbag should be all about? I think so.

Let’s get right to questions. Bonus points went to the readers whose questions appeared to be sincere. If you want to be in next week’s fantasy/sex mailbag, email us here. Now, let’s feel up your inquiries.

A kid that went to my high school once ate out a particularly trashy girl and claimed to have gotten a yeast infection in his mouth. Is this possible?

-Jeff V.

PS – What’s with LT?

The answer to this question is a resounding YES. Tongue bathing a bad clam can give you a nasty case of what is known as “oral thrush”. This is the oral form of a yeastie, and not a talkative bird of some sort. According to this site, symptoms of oral thrush include:

-White or cream colored spots, sometimes yellow
-Blisters
-Painful when swallowing food
-Bad breath
-Burning sensation in their throat or mouth

Hmm. Bad breath? Disgusting pustules? Someone alert Len Pasquarelli!

As for LT, he’s had to play to two East Coast early games in the past three weeks, with a tough Buffalo team in between. I’d expect him to bounce back on Sunday against the Saints. Speaking of the Saints, if Reggie Bush doesn’t have oral thrush by now after dating Kim Kardashian this long, then I’ll eat my own underpants.

KSK,

I’d like to propose an idea to my wife, but I’m not sure how to present it.

I’d like to have sex with her based on how my fantasy team performed. For example, if my team comes from behind in the Monday Night game, as I did this week based on Matt Cassell’s touchdown passes, then I’d like to give it to my wife from behind.

If my team performs half-assedly, like they did two weeks ago, led by Steve Slaton’s inspiring 58 yard day, then I’d like to fumble around in bed with her for about ten minutes in awkward rhythms, never really getting into the groove, then quit early.

Or, if my fantasy team dominates, I’d like her to really, really tear me up. How do I present this idea to her? Also, should I start Thomas Jones or Willis McGahee this week?

Thank you.

-Aaron S.

I wouldn’t bring it up to her. I’d just start acting accordingly in the sack and let her discover the connection. Also, if your fantasy team wins a really, really tight game, you get to bring up the idea of nasal to her.

As for Jones vs. McGahee, did you see what the Titans did to KC last week? Jones in a landslide. Hope you like the reverse cowgirl.

I traded Peyton Manning for Laurence Maroney. Is that why I’m 2-5?

-Mark E.

I think that’s probably part of it, yes.

I’ve been seeing this girl who has a delightful penchant for morning sex. Most guys would never find fault with this; however, recently I was roused from my Saturday evening stupor by the playful pawing of my lady-friend. Only after we were fully in the throes did I realize that it was rapidly approaching noon, and I had yet to double-check my fantasy lineup for the week. Of course, a ‘questionable’ Steven Jackson has a monster day against Dallas on my bench. Any thoughts on how I can prevent this type of situation from happening again? Because I sure as hell am not turning down the sex.

Also, who’s a better bye-week fill-in this week, Dominic Rhodes or Cedric Benson?

-Los Nosotros RealM

We had a couple questions from readers about how to prioritize sex over lineup setting on a Sunday morning. I suggest you get an alarm clock. There’s no reason you can’t have time for both. Unless you’re one of these Sting-type assholes that does the whole tantric thing. “Say lady, wouldn’t it be great if it took us hours to achieve climax? And if I developed severe cramping in my quadriceps midway through?” Idiots. Get your business done in timely fashion and the rest of the day is yours, people.

Lately the wife has been giving me the “I don’t like when you ask for it” line saying that I ask for it too much. Now I’m not a greedy man but it would be my preference to have “just woke up sex” and “right before sleep sex “at least everyday. Is that really too much of a request for me to reach my half of marital bliss?

Waiting to know what you guys think!

-In need

UFFORD SAYS: You’re married and you still want to have sex with your wife twice a day? Brother, your marriage is way better than most.

DREW SAYS: No way this guy has been married for longer than a month. Sex twice a day? Sure, buddy. Maybe if your wife’s name is Althea Flynt.

I’ve noticed that everytime I get a staph infection in my balls, the Browns say I’m “all potatoes and no meat.” Do I need a temporary penis enlargement to obtain optimum visual package balance?

-K-Win

You’d need a cock the size of a bouche de noel to match those coconut balls, soldier boy.

If a girl is willing to give you a blumpkin, should you stick with her because of the edgy foreplay, or should you shy away due to her liking of the smell of feces?

Lastly, should I pick up Kregg Lumpkin, though on the IR for my dynasty league?

Thanks for the sex/fantasy help,
-Danny

I’ll give anyone a blumpkin if they can produce for me a girl who’s actually willing to perform a blumpkin.

And no. Never pick up anyone on IR for a dynasty league until the very last weeks of the season. Especially Kregg fucking Lumpkin, of all people.

Ok, my question involves both subjects. My girlfriend really likes to give me head when I am selecting my fantasy roster for the week and last week I came while picking up Jeff Garcia off the waiver wire? Does this make me gay?

-Dandy

Sure does!

This year I convinced my girlfriend to join our apartment building’s Fantasy League. By luck, she got the first pick of the draft and selected, in order, Tom Brady, Clinton Portis, Anquan Boldin, and the Steelers D. She’s become very competitive about all this, and obviously is pissed about all the bullshit injuries. She’s trying to swing a trade for Aaron Rodgers, who’s starting in favor of Kurt Warner. She’s offering Ronnie Brown and “the ass.”

Question: Is “the ass” worth losing A-Rodg and having to start Rev. Warner? A follow up: Should I e-mail Kurt Warner about this?

-”The Purple Jesus (in my pants)”

UFFORD SAYS: Oh, absolutely. The drop-off from Rodgers to Warner is negligible if you gain Ronnie in the WR/RB slot and a tight sphincter gripping your cock.

DREW SAYS: If she’s giving you Rodgers for Ronnie Brown, she’s really getting fucked in the ass twice over, isn’t she? Take the ass, big time.

My questions are as follows:

My girlfriend is six months pregnant, and has lost all interest in me sexually. She says she wants nothing to do with me. She says she is going to move back in with her parents to raise our child, and that she has nothing but contempt for me.

More importantly, I have a flex option conundrum in front of me this weekend. At running back I have Jonathan Stewart, Dominic Rhodes, Derrick Ward, and Maurice Jones-Drew. At wideout I have DeSean Jackson,Marques Colston, Muhsin Muhmmad, Chad Johnson, and Marvin Harrison. From this list of mongoloids and fantasy disappointments, I can’t figure out who to start. I have five spots and nine colossal fantasy fuckups, on a 2-5 team whose 2nd round draft pick was Tom Brady, may he rot in yuppie hell. Help me. I have lost my dignity as a man, but I cannot lose it as a fantasy manager.

Your advice on either of these situations would be appreciated. Fuck my life.

-Ryan

p.s. – the real bitch of all this is that I’m a Browns fan. Shit on my world.

Holy shit, this was the saddest email we’ve ever received. It’s such a harrowing tale, that I’m willing to answer his incredibly byzantine roster question.

I say start Rhodes and MJD at RB. Then go with Colston, Jackson, and Muhammad at WR and FLEX. Ocho is toast. Harrison’s got the Titans. And your other two backs are platoon guys in a 60/40 rotation.

The first response to your pregnant girlfriend leaving would have to be, “Christ, that’s fucking cold.” But the real question is, WHY does she have nothing but contempt for you? I mean, you HAD to do something to get her that fucking pissed. Right? There’s gotta be more to this. You had to have been caught cheating with her midwife, perhaps while using her birthing ball to as a sexual prop.

Women just don’t ignite like that, except for 80% of them. All we at KSK can suggest is that you keep your head up. You still have better prospects than the Browns, at the very least.

Two questions for you gentlemen:

1. Fantasy: I just proposed a trade of LaVizio Toelinson and Braylon Edwards for Michael Turner. Should I have included more?

2. Sex: Do my dead relatives/ancestors watch me jack it?

-George R.

1. No.

2. PUNTER SAYS: Jesus loves you and wants you to blast it in your hand.

DREW SAYS: Agreed. I think the idea of my dead pilgrim ancestors checking out my handiwork would prove an even bigger turn-on.

Dear KSK,

I have LDT, MoJo Drew and Matt Forte in a league that only starts 2 running backs. Which one should I try to trade to bolster my depth at WR? Also, got any great ideas for things to do on a first date, preferably something leading to summary fucking?

-Sam

Definitely not Forte. I’d say MJD, because he’s the platoon back there. No way you trade LT2 for anything less than someone like Jennings or Wayne, with someone else added as a kicker.

And I’d try cooking for your date. Never fails.

Should I wish for Marvin Harrison to be sodomized with a barbwire-wrapped 2×4 or one of his German semi-automatic weapons? That fucking fuck only catches a goddamned touchdown when I sit his narrow ass on the bench.
-Billy

Gotta go with the barbed wire 2×4. That makes for good hollowing.

Wanna be in next week’s mailbag? Don’t forget to email. Until next time, always remember: buy low, fuck high.