In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Ocho Cinco into his home in a spirited attempt to get the two men to understand one another.

Marvin: Hey, Chad! Chad! Get down here! Losing is not an excuse for apathy, young man! I want you to come down here and be a part of this team again!

Ocho: Hold on, coach! Comin’! What’s the scoop? What’s going on? Why didn’t you let Ocho play last night?

Marvin: I told you, Chad. You were late for the team meeting. So I had to suspend you indefinitely.

Ocho: Well, if I wasn’t DEFINITELY suspended, then why couldn’t I play?

Marvin: No, that’s not what that word means, Chad. It means that you are suspended for an indefinite period of time.

Ocho: Well, if you can’t define that period of time, why don’t you let me? I think I should have only been suspended for, like, a minute. Maybe four.

Marvin: No, Chad. You didn’t deserve to be suspended for only a minute. You needed to be suspended for the entire game because of your insubordination.

Ocho: I was suspended for insubordination? That’s BULLSHIT, man! You should be thanking me. Normally, Coach Bratkowski has to do all the offensive insubordinatin’. Why you suspending Ocho for helping his ass out?

Marvin: That offensive coordinating. Not the same thing. This is what I keep talking about, Chad. You keep making mistakes, and then failing miserably to own up to them. I have no choice but to keep you deactivated until I deem you fit to return to the field.

Ocho: LOOK AT ME! I’M FIT!

Marvin: Again, not what I meant.

Ocho: Coach, coach. I already said I was sorry I missed the meeting YO. I already told you, I was sleeping.

Marvin: That’s not a good excuse, Chad. You get plenty of time for sleeping during the night. There’s no reason you can’t show up to a 10 o’clock meeting.

Ocho: All right. All right. Okay, coach. I didn’t wanna say nothing about this, but I have to. The truth is, I haven’t been sleeping good. At all. I think I have a touch of the ammonia.

Marvin: Insomnia.

Ocho: Whatever. It’s just… it’s hard for me to sleep, know what I mean? I got a lot on my mind. Lotta shit goin’ down in OchoWorld, know what I mean?

Marvin: Thankfully, no.

Ocho: It’s just… sometimes at night, I just can’t get to sleeping. I think about shit, you know? I think about, like, letters. You ever think about letters, Coach? I do. And you know what? I really do not like the letter Y. It bothers me, you know?

Marvin: No.

Ocho: It’s just… what’s the point of it? It’s such a gay letter. Everybody’s saying shit like, “Hey Ocho, Y did you sit crosslegged on that one play?” Or, “Hey Ocho, Y did you put mashed potatoes in the toilet?” I don’t like that letter.

Marvin: Okay, that’s not the letter Y. That’s the word “Why,” which is spelled W-H-Y.

Ocho: But Y is in that shit! You see? What’s it doing there?

Marvin: Become sometimes the letter Y acts as a vowel, rather than a consonant.

Ocho: Well, how the fuck does it do that? Where does that letter get off thinking it’s all Optimus Prime and shit?

Marvin: It’s just a letter, Chad.

Ocho: Yeah, but it shouldn’t be. We’ve got so many better letters out there. Like X. That’s a good letter. LOOK OUT BITCHES, THIS MOVIE IS RATED X! That’s solid. I like Z too. It’s so sharp, you know? Like, Z is all, BACK OFF MUTHAPHUCKKA OR I’LL CUT YO ASS! That’s not a gay letter. That’s a letter that will do some fuckin’. Know what I mean?

Marvin: No.

Ocho: Also, the letter Y looks like a slingshot. And I don’t like it when we use letters as weapons. You don’t see any gun-shaped letters. That would be bad for the kids.

Marvin: I have no idea what you’re talking about. It’s Y. It’s a letter. It isn’t malevolent in any way. It serves an important phonetic role in how we speak. You use the letter Y to make a “yuh” sound.

Ocho: Yuh? Who the fuck says Yuh? That’s Eskimo shit.

Marvin: It’s not a word. It’s sound you make to pronounce the rest of the word. If I say the word “Young,” I need the Y sound in order to pronounce it correctly. Do you see what I mean?

Ocho: See, I think you’re just making it all up.

Marvin: I’m not making it up. They teach this stuff in first grade, Chad.

Ocho: You know what would be a good letter? The happy face.

You see a happy face, you know what that shit means. That would be a good letter.

Marvin: Okay, a happy face is not a letter.

Ocho: But it could be.

Marvin: But it isn’t.

Ocho: But it could be.

Marvin: But it isn’t.

Ocho: But it could be.

Marvin: But it isn’t.

Ocho: But it could be.

Marvin: But it isn’t. It’s a fucking drawing.

Ocho: But that’s because you only THINK of it like that, know what I mean? It could be a letter if we wanted it to be.

Marvin: No, it couldn’t. It doesn’t represent any kind of phonetic speech command.

Ocho: Sure it does. It says, HEY LOOK AT ME I’M A WHITE PERSON AND I’M ALL HAPPY AND SHIT!

Marvin: Again, it’s not a letter. It’s a drawing. It can’t be a letter.

Ocho: Yeah, but you don’t KNOW that. What if it used to be a letter and they just left it out by accident?

Marvin: They didn’t.

Ocho: Yeah, but you don’t KNOW that. You can’t possibly know that. You weren’t there when they did it.

Marvin: It doesn’t matter. Trust me. There was never meant to be a happy face in the alphabet.

Ocho: Okay, well let me ask you a question then. You got kids, right?

Marvin: Yes.

Ocho: They ever sing the Alphabet Song?

Marvin: Yes.

Ocho: Are they HAPPY when they finish singing it?

Marvin: Yes.

Ocho: I rest my case. There’s clearly supposed to be a happy face at the end of that shit. You know what else would make a good letter? A Snickers bar.

That way, you could be reading through some word and be reminded OH SNAP! I FORGOT TO FUCKING EAT!

Marvin: A Snickers bar would not be a good letter.

Ocho: Give me one good reason why it wouldn’t be a kickass letter.

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. THE DEPTHS OF YOUR RETARDERY HAVE NOW REACHED A NEW FUCKING LOW. THIS IS WHY I FUCKING SUSPENDED YOU, YOU EMPTY-HEADED DOORSTOP. I’M TRYING TO SAVE MY FUCKING JOB, AND I HAVE A RECEIVER WHO CAN’T BE BOTHERED TO SHOW UP FOR PRACTICE BECAUSE HE’S TOO BUSY THINKING UP NEW, FUCKING STUPID LETTERS FOR AN ALPHABET THAT HAS ALREADY SERVED THE ENGLISH-SPEAKING WORLD WELL FOR FUCKING CENTURIES.

DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW TO READ? OR WRITE? ARE YOU FUCKING ILLITERATE? I CAN’T EVEN FUCKING BELIEVE I’M ARGUING WITH YOU ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT A FUCKING CANDY BAR BELONGS IN THE GROUP OF SYMBOLS WE USE FOR DAILY COMMUNICATION. THAT’S HOW FUCKING DUMB YOU ARE, CHAD. YOU MAKE EVERYONE AROUND YOU NEARLY AS FUCKING RETARDED AS YOU ARE. SO GO BACK TO FUCKING SLEEP, ASSHOLE. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? DON’T EVER WAKE UP. BECAUSE ANOTHER HOUR OF YOU AWAKE IS ANOTHER HOUR THE WORLD’S BRAIN CELLS ARE SUBJECT TO MASS FUCKING GENOCIDE.

A FUCKING HAPPY FACE? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Ocho: You know what else would make a good letter? A knife. Ray Lewis agrees with me on that. It would be like Z. Just really badass to have in there. It’d be like, NOW I KNOW MY A-B-KNIFE, NEXT TIME MAYBE I’LL TAKE YOUR FUCKING LIFE.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Ocho Cinco into his home in a spirited attempt to get the two men to understand one another.

Marvin: Hey, Chad! Chad! Get down here! We gotta get out the voting station! Let’s go! The lines are getting longer by the second!

Ocho: Comin’, coach! Comin’! What’s all this now?

Marvin: It’s Election Day. We gotta go vote.

Ocho: Okay, okay, all right. I’m ready, Coach. Been waiting for this election for a LONG time. Real long time. Can’t wait! I even got my lucky voting stick!

Marvin: What’s so lucky about it?

Ocho: I don’t know. It’s just a good stick. Feel how solid that stick is.

Marvin: Whatever.

Ocho: MY STICK AND I ARE READY TO VOTE FOR SOME SHIT!

Marvin: So, you’re voting for Obama?

Ocho: What? Obama? Nah man, screw that guy. I’m voting for the white dude.

Marvin: But why?

Ocho: Because if I vote for the black dude, then Chad Ocho Cinco can’t become the first black President. Kow what I mean? No way I’m letting that shit happen. Can’t have no President O-bama without no President O-cho first.

Marvin: You’re gonna run for President one day?

Ocho: HELL 2 DA YAW. Can’t you just picture that shit?

Marvin: No. My entire central nervous system would shut down if I tried to do that.

Ocho: Yeah, well you best be picturing it. Because President Ocho gonna CHANGE SOME SERIOUS SHIT.

Marvin: Like what? What kind of platform would you have?

Ocho: Platform? Who the fuck said anything about platforms? I wanna be President. Don’t need no platform for that.

Marvin: Of course you need a platform. Otherwise, how will people know why to vote for you?

Ocho: Fine? I’ll get you a platform. Here you go.

That’s my platform. Ain’t no candidate on a better platform than me. Look how high up that shit is.

Marvin: No, no. That isn’t the kind of platform I meant. A platform is a set of beliefs or stances that a candidate or political party has. It isn’t an actual platform. It’s an abstract platform.

Ocho: You mean, like, that Pablo Picante guy made the platform?

Marvin: No. That isn’t what I meant by abstract. A political platform is just a set of beliefs. For example, where do you stand on immigration?

Ocho: Oh, I love immigrations. Ben Utecht does a crazy good immigration of you, Coach.

Marvin: Ummm… Let’s just skip immigration. Just tell me: If you were President, what would you do? What laws would you make?

Ocho: Okay. Well, the first thing I’d do is make them turn down the volume on helicopters. Because helicopters are TOO LOUD.

Marvin: What?

Ocho: I would just say to all the helicopter people, HEY MR. WHITE HELICOPTER MAN! TURN THAT SHIT DOWN!

Marvin: Okay, there isn’t a volume control on a helicopter motor. The sound it makes is the sound it makes. You can’t simply adjust it. It doesn’t have a volume knob.

Ocho: Yeah, but it should.

Marvin: But it doesn’t.

Ocho: But it should.

Marvin: But it doesn’t.

Ocho: But it should.

Marvin: But it doesn’t.

Ocho: But it should! Maybe that’s why helicopters are so damn loud to begin with! Ever think of that? You don’t know that a volume knob would work until you put it there. Am I right?

Marvin: No. You’re astonishingly wrong.

Ocho: Yeah, well whatever. The helicopter noise got 2 go! Also, as President, I would like to see us build more things on clouds.

Marvin: Like what?

Ocho: Cities. Schools. Churches. We got all these nice fucking clouds in the country, and we don’t do SHIT with them. They’re all soft and fluffy. We should really be enjoying them more. I would like to move the White House to a very nice cloud.

Marvin: Okay, that’s impossible. Clouds are not solid. They’re made of AIR.

Ocho: Oh, please. Now who’s the crazy one?! I seen clouds, Coach. Those things are fucking SOLID. And comfortable! Like a bigass beanbag chair. You know what I would do if I were President? I’d make the helicopters land on the clouds. I’d also give everyone a free fire engine.

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. YOU ARE THE FUCKING MOST INSANE RETARD I HAVE EVER MET IN MY LIFE. HOLY FUCK. I AM TRYING TO GET YOU TO PARTICIPATE IN A FUCKING DEMOCRATIC PROCESS THAT HINGES ON REAL FUCKING ISSUES LIKE FUCKING HEALTH CARE. AND YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT BUILDING A FUCKING HOUSE ON A FUCKING CLOUD.

YOU FUCKING BLACK GIMP. DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND THAT CLOUDS DON’T STAY STILL? THAT THEY FUCKING MOVE? AND DISSIPATE? DID THAT EVEN FUCKING OCCUR TO YOU? WHAT’S HAPPENS TO THE FUCKING WHITE HOUSE WHEN IT FLOATS OVER ENGLAND, YOU FUCK?!

Ocho: See? That’s the beauty of it. Good for spying.

Marvin: GOOD FUCKING LORD. OKAY, THAT’S IT. YOU ARE NOT FIT TO FUCKING VOTE. I’M NOT TAKING YOU TO THE GODDAMN VOTING STATION, BECAUSE YOU’D GET TO THE MACHINE AND SOMEHOW END UP TRIGGERING SOME SORT OF TACTICAL NUCLEAR STRIKE. YOU AREN’T WORTHY OF PARTICIPATING IN THIS FUCKING PROCESS, YOU BLITHERING SHITHEAD. NOT WHEN YOU THINK HELICOPTER MOTORS HAVE VOLUME CONTROLS, AND THAT POLITICAL PLATFORMS ARE THE SAME AS FUCKING CHORAL RISERS.

IN FACT, I CAN’T LIVE IN THIS COUNTRY ANYMORE. I DON’T WANT TO LIVE SOMEWHERE WHERE RETARDS LIKE YOU ARE ALLOWED TO FUCKING HELP DECIDE OUR FATE.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR TINY LITTLE FUCKING BRAIN?!

Ocho: See, I think you have an anti-Ocho bias. I think me and my voting stick better go vote over at Ray Lewis’ cloudhouse.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.