SEVERAL WEEKS AGO.

MATT MILLEN: Thank you, Joyce. This is Matt. 

VOICE ON THE OTHER END: Heydere yabigol’ hushpuppy howjew liketah gitta bigol’ win’ginst thatthere Grinbay Pecker teem thisuh Sundey?

MATT MILLEN: Sir, can you hang on just one second? (covers receiver) Joyce! I’ve got it! You can hang up now!

OTHER END: Aingonna sithere onminoo walkietalkie toolong soyoo wamme hel-peyoo outdere or nosir, whatzit gonnbee now?

MATT MILLEN: Are you…calling from a walkie talkie?

OTHER END: Well… it’s cordless. 

MATT: Joyce! I can still hear you shuffling papers out there! Hang up the phone!

OTHER END: Seedem Peckers fixin torrundaball atcha but yew keepon runnin atdat whiteboyen yoo gonna gettafyoo tickles’hind dat lynnuh scrimmige lemme tell ya. 

MATT: Sir, Could I get your name, please?

OTHER END: Uh…my name? Name’s Bart.

MATT: Bart?

OTHER END: Yessir, Bart Majkowski.

MATT: Bart, do you have a daytime number where I can…JOYCE! HANG! UP THAT PHONE FOR SHIT’S SAKE! YOU’RE TYPING! RIGHT INTO MY GODDAMN EAR!

OTHER END: Aw, commondere hushpuppy, y’all dunneed tagit steemin likah kittyonna hot tin ruuf dere, lemme tell ya.

MATT: Sir, slow down. What is this about hush money?
 
OTHER END: Cummondere, effeyum fixinta tawkinny slowuriddabe tawkinbackwurs nowyabigg hushpuppy. Yewanna beetdem Peckers ernot?

MATT: Are you calling my pecker a Hush Puppy? Are you attempting to blackmail me?

OTHER END: Well fuggitden. [hangs up]

MATT: Sir, I can’t understand you. Sir? You’re speaking to another human being, not the local critters IN THE FOREST JOYCE HANG UP THAT GODDAMN PHONE OR I WILL CHOKE THE LIFE FROM YOUR BODY! Hello? HELLO!! MOTHERFUCKER!

JOYCE: [walks in] Sir, I think there’s something wrong with the phones!

MATT: OH, YOU THINK?! I OUGHTA JUST…I’m sorry, Joyce. Please forgive me. But I… I can’t help but wonder what that little backwater man was trying to share with me on his walkie talkie. Some of that information, any of it, really, if it were relayed in proper English, could have been the stepping stone to victory that this team, this whole organization, so desperately needs. I don’t know what Bart Majkowski was trying to tell me, but I’m afraid that I just let the promise of certain victory slip from my very fingers.

JOYCE: Oh. 

MATT: …but why do I give a fuck? I’m gonna be here forever!

-Thanks, Danny, or whatever your name was.

Well, I think we’re just about finished preparing for this draft. I’m glad I flew in from Pennsylvania today to make sure our board and my notes were in order!

1. Limas Sweed, Texas

NOTES: Name kinda sounds like Speed, which means he has to be fast. Played with Mack Brown, who’s my kinda guy.

2. Malcolm Kelly, Oklahoma

NOTES: Played in lots of big games. I mean, REALLY big games!

3. James Hardy, Indiana

NOTES: Has real grit. If he’s the wide receiver equivalent of Vaughn Dunbar, I think we’re in for a real treat.

4. DeSean Jackson, California

NOTES: Very tall, and you can’t coach tall!

5. Devin Thomas, Michigan State

NOTES: Now THIS guy is a football player. Can see it in his eyes.

6. Earl Bennett, Vanderbilt

NOTES: That’s one of those smart guy schools, right? You have to be careful with guys like that, because they can overthink the game. Don’t want any overthinkers on this team.

7. Early Doucet, LSU

NOTES: Boy, doesn’t he just SOUND like a football player?

8. Andre Caldwell, Florida

NOTES: Dropped lots of passes in the 2007 AFC Championship game. But it’s so rare to find a college player who already has pro experience.

9. Jordy Nelson, Kansas State

NOTES: Marinelli likes him. What. EVER.

10. Mario Manningham, Michigan

NOTES: First name seems really chantable.

Yep, that’s a solid board.

I think this year’s draft could represent a real turning point for our franchise. Those fans sure have been rough on me and my family. But if they only knew how much I put into this job! How much I live and die with every decision, how I finally started working alternate Fridays instead of always taking them off.

If only they knew the sacrifices I made! Well, this is the year it’s finally gonna pay off, I tell you! This is the year I finally get it not quite so disastrously wrong. I like this board. We’re gonna get a GREAT player, a real impact player this go round. And we’re gonna win!

Say, you know what? I think Manningham needs to be just a bit higher on our board. He’s a Big Ten guy, and Big Ten guys know what this game’s all about!

(goes to adjust board)

(slips on piece of paper left on ground)

(lets go of steaming hot coffee cup, scalding a nearby receptionist)

(knocks lit Sterno can out of buffet setup, curtains in room light on fire)

(knocks head on table getting back up)

(grabs fire extinguisher)

(attempts to squeeze handle without pulling pin)

(punches IT guy in face by accident while pulling out pin)

(doesn’t expect kickback from extinguisher, falls out nearby window)

(lands on one side of a seesaw, sending 7-year-old-boy into orbit)

(rolls down very steep hill)

(gets permanent grass stain on new shirt)

(gets mouse trap caught on big toe)

(rolls through intersection, causing 37-car pileup)

(falls off cliff)

(lands on locomotive windshield, causing engineer to veer off tracks, train runs into nuclear missile silo)

(falls off hood of locomotive, lands on giant red FULL RELEASE button)

(triggers end of humanity)

OH MAN, NOT AGAIN!

(keeps job)

One of these days, we’re gonna turn this thing around.