Don’t mock the Dirty Bird! That’s only what every Falcons opponent has done since 1998. Fairly certain all Jamal Anderson does these days does is feign outrage whenever a Falcons opponent imitates it on a score.

Anyway, Eli spotted the Falcons a hilarious grounding penalty for a safety, but after the dust of a million punts and terrible Atlanta 4th down calls cleared, the Giants had won decisively. The score will lead some to believe it might have a better outing by New York than it really was, given they did things like this:

But even though the Giants dicked around most of the first half, the Falcons, much like Detroit on Saturday, just got sick of trying late. Best of luck to the Giants to try to the Packers another noble loss next week in Lambeau. The Giants did win the last playoff game played in Green Bay, which Peter King think is INTERESTING and reminiscent of Favre.

With Mike Shanahan unlikely to qualify for the postseason anytime soon, the next two most red-faced head coaches must vie for supremacy on the big stage. Falcons-Giants is one of those games where a team that is consistently decent but never great goes against a wildly erratic opponent who can one week actually hang with Green Bay until the final whistle and then get plowed by the Redskins the next. So as much as it sucks for tepid Atlanta fans to hear, this game will be decided by which version of this schizophrenic Giants team shows up. Personally, I’d rather we wait a week for the petulant Eli derpface version, for that would at least give the blowout next week in Lambeau a watchable sideshow.

One of the main subplots for pundit yammering today will be whether Matt Ryan can be on a team that happens to win a game in the playoffs for the first time in three career tries. We’re obviously down with unfairly maligning a quarterback by boiling down his team’s shortcomings to his singular crushing failure, but it’s just not as fun to shake the choker stick at Matt Ryan as it was and is to do so at, say, Tony Romo or Peyton Manning. Clearly Matty Ice needs to be featured in more ubiquitous advertising campaigns.

Tonight’s offering is a rematch of last year’s divisional round playoff game, which the Packers won by roughly 3,000 points. Roddy White said after the loss that he still thought the Falcons were the superior team, which was hilarious then and still is now. But who knows? Maybe Rodgers will get hurt and Matt Flynn will get knocked out and then Atlanta can prevail, thus giving Matt Ryan another Cris Collinsworth-dubbed signature victory, like when the Falcons beat the Eagles after Vick got injured. Anyway, let’s all hope Green Bay can be comfortably ahead in time for the “Breaking Bad” finale at 10.

Congrats on the Collinsworth-decreed SIGNATURE VICTORY for Matt Ryan, who benefited from sparsely mentioned quarterback Michael Vick getting injured, not to mention being bailed out consistently by the presumed dead naked vegan activist tight end Tony Gonzalez. Speaking of Gonzo, did you know he enjoys massively popular, but outdated blockbuster comedies? Just like us!

The Eagles very nearly pulled off the victory, despite having the aforementioned Vick leave while spitting up blood and other viscera. And seeing another receiver get destroyed by Dunta Robinson in a way that is sure to get the Falcons DB banned by the league, rolled into a carpet and shoved up Jerry Richardson’s asshole. In the end, future Eagles trade bait Mike Kafka played ably in defeat and, to his credit, was let down on the decisive 4th down play by the otherwise excellent Jeremy Maclin, the recipient of the latest Dunta brutality masterpiece. Falcons fans, meanwhile, were split on the matter of Vick getting hurt.

Some were like

Others were like

And still others did this for hours on end

But I think we can all agree, no matter your feelings on Vick or whatever team you root for, that it was fun to watch Brent Celek go from braying braggart to lifeless vessel in less than four seconds. HA HA, LOOGIT HIM DROP!

The Packers were the most talented NFC team coming into the season. And they’ll probably destroy whoever emerges from tomorrow’s Seattle/Chicago runner-up fest. But let’s give a hand to Atlanta for being so kind as to be the team that occupied the top seed in Green Bay’s stead until being summarily dispatched by the Pack. Good times. We had fun getting to know your unremarkable team these past few months.

And while it will be endlessly funny to see Matt Ryan remain winless in the postseason, it’s a tad poignant that Gonzo has never tasted playoff victory even still in the final flushes of his exemplary career. It’s enough to make a vegan backslide into misery eating. Might I suggest a Matty Melt?

The meat is low grade but the cheese is so braying and obnoxious that you’ll never notice.

In other news, Blank is blank. More flattering light fixtures might take the harsh off your face, Mr. Home Depot Man.

For as much bad blood is flowing in the AFC divisional match-ups, there’s frighteningly little animosity going on in the other conference. Green Bay visited Atlanta earlier this season and got screwed by the lack of review that could have overturned what might have been a decisive play in the game, but there appears to be little bitterness on their part going into the rematch.

Aaron Rodgers got his first playoff win last week in Philly and was greatly aided by James Starks making it seem for a week like the Packers had a viable running game. Meanwhile, Matt Ryan is seeking his first postseason victory. His first postseason appearance ended quickly in 2008 when the Falcons were the first victims of the Buzzsaw Super Bowl charge. No doubt someone who goes by Matty Ice will only be further humbled by gaining success on the big stage.

Hate restores us. Hate focuses us. Hate keeps us warm at night and spoons us if we so desire it. And no time is hate more powerful – more necessary – than the postseason, when those we despise are so close to getting what they want. I don’t get what I want, so f*ck those guys. There are countless reasons to hate anyone. Some of which you might not be aware. Or been made to realize that they are worthy of scorn. Well, you came to the right place. Allow us to guide you to the darkest recesses of the soul, where the streets run dark green with bile and everyone knows your embarrassing nickname.

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When last we left Peter Downer, he was beseeching us to please, for the love of God, let Michael Vick try to earn the MVP award. But we were stubbornly unwilling to listen. Lucky for PK, Michael Vick would not allow Michael Vick to win the MVP award, except for that mind-bendingly perfect throw he made to Brent Celek in quadruple coverage.

What of this week? Does Peter King blow the proverbial lid off the festering sewer that is New York City? Will Matt Ryan answer his question about home cooking? Why don’t NFL uniform regulations allow Michael Vick to wear a cape? Is there anything Peter King can’t absolve Josh McDaniels of doing? Is there a there there? Is the news new? Find out after the jump.

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OF COURSE, the first Thursday night game of the year (at least of those broadcast on NFL Network) would be a better match-up than any primetime game from the previous week. For a contest between two teams considered Super Bowl contenders, there’s been remarkably little hype about this game. Maybe that’s because most media know considerable swaths of the country still don’t get NFLN. And though I will never mind having football on more days of the week, I acknowledge that Thursday NFL games might still be weird and unexpected for the more casual, bullshit fans.

I think this game provides pretty compelling storylines, actually. The suspense of who Le’Ron McClain spits on next has consumed my thoughts for days. I bet he does it Tony Gonzalez somehow, and Gonzo freaks out because he detects traces of meat products in his saliva. That crazy macrobiotic vegan!

Curse these likable Saints!

You know how I know that New Orleans won’t win the Super Bowl this year? Because it would be way too acceptable to the average viewer. Of all the teams that could possibly contend for a title this year, the Saints are the only one (OTHER THAN MAH STILLERS, A-COURSE!) that I would be perfectly content with them getting a championship.

And the likable team never wins titles. NEVER! Sure, on occasion the MORE likable team will win a Super Bowl (viz. SB XLII) but never an entirely likable one.

Look at ‘em, likable little bastards. Breesus leads the league in likability and skipping passes on water. Even with Jeremy Shockey on the roster, I have a hard time hating them (no small feat). Even knowing a Saints title would force more Archie Manning on my television, I can’t say I would be all that troubled by the overall prospect of it happening. I’ve never had a bad experience with a Saints fan. I mean, I’m sure they’re all raging Cajun dickholes when they get in LSU mode, but for whatever reason, when they don the Saints gear they become halfway tolerable, which is the highest compliment I can pay a fan of a franchise other than my own. Most importantly, of course, the Saints have never won dick, so it’s not like their fans could get all that cocky afterward.

And that’s why the Saints are doomed. DOOMED, I SAY!