In order to prepare for the upcoming season, Matt Ryan and his teammates are practicing without pads or helmets. This will be beneficial, since the NFL plans to ban physical contact of any kind for 2011 games.

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Omigod! Matt Ryan doesn’t have any money. Oh, please don’t shoot him, sir! Matt Ryan didn’t mean to make three-tenths of a second’s worth of eye contact! Honest! Here, here’s Matt Ryan’s wallet and watch, now please…j-just go away! Matt Ryan never did anything to you!

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Matt Ryan prepares for his guest appearance on The Kige Ramsey Show. Note the quarterback’s informal attire, as the necktie and sweatervest are conspicuously absent. Also notable is Ryan’s smile. That’s no 72-million-dollar smile, people. This is why Peter King only calls Matt on weeknights after the SI writer has had too much to drink. He cares for Matt, but is just too ashamed to admit it.

Matt Ryan does not like that his roster bonus was paid out as an actual-sized check, instead of one of those big cardboard checks. Matt is upset because he just watched Happy Gilmore, and he thought one of those big checks would have been really neat.

“Trust me, kid. Nobody’s gonna know that we snuck that Alex Smith jersey in there.”

Despite his early progress in learning the Falcons offense during OTAs this month, Matt Ryan has given virtually no attention to his tendency to face the wrong way during press conferences.

Now that I’m the new quarterback in Atlanta, no one must know that I train Japanese Bettas and have them fight for my amusement.

Oh, society may shun such dangerous activity. But I cannot resist the beauty and majesty of these noble creatures. Fighting is at the very core of their being! Can’t anyone understand that?

Perhaps I should shut down Ill-Timed Information Aquarium. Maybe…

No!

Never!

This is my culture, dammit! It’s part of my Chestnut Hill breeding. Now fight, you wonderful, mysterious fish, FIGHT! Begin your dance of death!

Matt Ryan breaks two tackles at once against Notre Dame. That’s how shitty Notre Dame was this year.

Since Boston College never won a national championship during the quarterback’s tenure, Matt Ryan jubilantly parades around the terricloth football trophy awarded to the winner of the Champs Sports Bowl. And that’s something…

Matt Ryan, who played quarterback for the football team at Boston College, threw for scouts and coaches of professional football teams on Tuesday. He did this in hopes of being selected by one of the NFL’s teams as a professional football player. Professional football players are paid to play football, which is a much better job than being an accountant or someone that mops up shit all day.