Cherish these moments, friends. For this is the final Monday Night Football of the season. It was a fraught year for the primetime institution, what with sloppy blowout after sloppy blowout, Hank Williams Jr. getting bounced for getting Hitler-y on his rowdy friends and, to top it off, stadium blackouts. Don’t know what we’ll do without you. Maybe Gruden will actually land a coaching job before next season. Probably not, but we try to remain hopeful.

I initially figured that the Falcons have little to play for, having clinched the playoffs last night with a Chicago loss. But upon further investigation, it appears Atlanta can still technically catch the Saints for the NFC South title, longshot though it may be. So they’ll be playing in the Wild Card round regardless, but they could maybe host a game and spoil the Saints’ outside chance at a first-round bye. Ah, the joys of seeding. A shame they’re playing in the Superdome, where New Orleans wins every game by 40. It’s okay, though, because the Falcons have a really awesome conditioning regimen that eliminates injuries forever.

“I’m very confident with what we’ve been doing over the last three and a half years,” said general manager Thomas Dimitroff, who described the methods as semirevolutionary.

Quasi-innovative-esque! No wonder PK loves him.

It’s funny because Mike Smith had a heart attack but lived and is still coaching. Yes, yes, we’re horrible people, but you already knew that. If Smith suffers from any further chest pain, Peter King will interrupt the pointless football fun to breathlessly report that he’s gonna be okay and now back to the pointless football fun.

As part of the new TV deal that the NFL announced this week, the number of Thursday night games that NFL Network will broadcast is set to expand, though no one yet knows by how much. And that’s good. The NFL needs more options besides Monday night to hide all the bad games of the week. Hell, Jacksonville might play their entire schedule on Thursday nights next year.

Drew Brees HERPED and DERPED and nearly cost his team the game with Gunslinger-style behind-the-back shovel pass monkeyshines, but all was well because with Michael Turner being mostly useless all night, the Falcons offense couldn’t get anything going. That said, a Breesus victory isn’t quite as life-affirming when the announcers bend over suggestively to apologize for his mistakes, as Jaws did tonight, saying that Brees has “amnesia” and that mistakes, even mind-bogglingly terrible ones, never dog him. Someone will have to remind him tomorrow that he has more than 20 interceptions this season.

I haven’t finished crunching the numbers, but I’m fairly certain TEAM NAME is still in playoff contention, but the other TEAM NAME has been eliminated. Will the NFL have to change division alignment if a 0-0 team qualifies for the postseason?

Hybrid cars, not hybrid fans.

There’s no way Atlanta doesn’t greet Michael Vick with a deafening cheer if the Eagles have to come to the Georgia Dome for the NFC Championship Game. There’s really nothing right about this sign.

Looks like the Falcons cram all the costumed dorky road fans into one conveniently torchable row. They must promise free props from “The Walking Dead” set.

Eminently commendable, however, were the Falcons cheerleader camo outfits. I’d ride those tanks any day!!!!

/is crushed under weight of own awkwardness

The Falcons have to lose out and the Saints have to win out for anyone other than Atlanta to win the NFC South. As everyone knows, the city of New Orleans began its completely real sports-guided road to redemption when the Saints blocked that Falcons punt on the Monday night game in 2006, which is something Dirty Bird fans must never be tired of constantly reliving.

Falcons players themselves seem to be plenty tired of it, as evidenced by Roddy White’s New Orleans diatribe on Twitter last week.

What is it with receivers and blaming God for things? If Atlanta wants a championship, they need some sort of biblical disaster to unfold within city limits. Does “The Walking Dead” count?

Remember, this is the final Monday Night Football broadcast of the season, so savor Jaws’ further devolution into slavering superstar nuthugger and possibly Gruden’s final THIS GUY in the booth, at least until he botches his next head coaching job. Not that this is the final primetime game of the week or anything.

Name: Matt Ryan
Nickname: Matty Ice

Easy Reasons to Hate Him Sight Unseen: Did you see that fucking nickname? Then there’s the issue of the two first names. I bet he enjoys a good balcony party.

Height: Plenty
Weight: Enough

Arm: Yes.
Speed: No.
Head: Wicked clevah!
Intangibles: Still unquantifiable.

Urine Sample: Golden.
Stool Sample: Smooth under extreme pressure.
Blood Sample: Blue.

Mainstream Comparison: Tom Brady
KSK Comparison: Joe from Team America

Best Known For: Overblown comebacks, beating crappy teams in bowl games, padding stats against really crappy teams, and leadership.

Who Wants Him: Kansas City loves his ability to win games for bad teams.

Who Will Take Him: Atlanta loves him because he’s safer than your girlfriend’s gay shopping buddy.

Hobbies: 94, 51, 56, and the one on the far right…

Campus Hangout: Planned Parenthood

Favorite Food: Chowdah!

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: He’s from small-town Pennsylvania, he attended a prestigious Quaker high school, he attended a prestigious Catholic college, and he emits a distinct odor of apple pie.

Immediate Impact: Jersey sales amongst downtrodden fans.
Down the Road: Another generic disappointment.