Drivin’ that train, high on cocaine, Matt Jones you better watch your speed. The Bengals are back, baby! After a down year that saw the team’s collective arrests eclipsed by their win total, Cincinnati is on the path to rectification. They’ve agreed to terms on a contract with Matt Jones that will pay the receiver $700,000 (believed to equal $300,000 after taxes, commissions, and an eight ball). The former Jaguar sat out last season following his arrest for snorting coke in a parked car. Oh, and no word on whether they’ll offer a similar deal to Pacman Jones, although he’s also been worked out by Marvin Lewis. CHUH CHUH! [Cincinnati Enquirer]

‘He’s so white, he could snort himself.’ Fans of white receivers with substance abuse issues fear not, because your poster boy will not be suspended for violating the terms of his drug program. Matt Jones’ agent Dave Butz tells ESPN, “That’s the main message — that Matt will be available to any team looking for a proven receiver.” The secondary message? Being white in the NFL is awesome! [ESPN]

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Jacksonville wide receiver Matt Jones was arrested Monday in Washington County, Arkansas, charged with violating the terms of his probation. Jones reportedly tested positive for the demon rum after a random drug test last week.

Jones admitted in court yesterday to drinking after playing golf with friends last week. As a consequence, Jones was recharged with his original offense from last year– possession of a controlled substance and jailed, where he will stay though the weekend. This led to a flurry of initial reports (including one by ESPN.com) that Jones was arrested on a new possession charge. At first, none of this made any sense whatsoever to us, then we remember that we’re talking about Arkansas here.

As you may recall, the former Razorback QB later served a three game suspension last season. One would have to think Jones’ future in the NFL is questionable at this point. In fact, we wouldn’t be surprised to hear about Jones blowing rails with Kenny Powers and Clegg in Shaboom’s parking lot.

[ Florida Times Union, PFT, Friends of the Program, image: BreastfedMoonshine.com ]

[Int. Toyota 4Runner parked in a darkened lot]

Matt Jones: [snorts line] YEAAAAAAARRGH! I’m tellin’ you boys, there’s nothing better than knocking back a few rails with your boys from Arkansas. Am I right, or am I right?

[passes the coke]

Jared and Benjamin: Hell yeah!

Matt: Yeah! And this is some good shit too, I can already feel myself becoming a better receiver. Mike Irvin may not admit it, but this shit is the secret to his success.

Jared: It’s also good for numbing your dick!

[silence]

Jared: What? I was just sayin’…

Matt: Yeah, thanks for sharing. [snorts line] Youknow, asmuchasI loveholingup ina darkcar withmyboys, [snorts line] thispartyneedssomefreshsnapper!

Benjamin: Easy Matty boy, you’re starting to talk really fast. Besides, all I haven’t even gotten a rail yet, I’ve only gotten a recessed filter full.

Matt: [hits a joint] My fault Benj, here, help yourself to some of this. [punches Benjamin in the face]

Benjamin: Fuck man! Why the fuck did you hit me?

Matt: Because now I’m a fucking superstar, and you better show the proper respect. [snorts line] Now hand me that goddamn phone, I know just who to call to turn this dickfest into a real party.

Benjamin: Sure thing, Matty.

[dials]

Matt: SILKY, my man! I’muphereinArkansasandIneedsomeofyoursweetcumbuckets!

Silky Garrard: Excuse me? Might I suggest taking some deep breaths, and then you can start by identifying yourself and addressing me as Mr. Garrard.

Matt: [hits joint] It’s me Silky, it’s Matt Jones.

Silky: Who?

Matt: MATT JONES! The one and only, you can’t clone me.

Silky: Hello Matthew. Don’t you think you’d be more comfortable discussing business at my newly renovated offices? All of our furnishings are now 100% suede, scotchguarded of course for sanitary purposes.

Matt: [snorts line] Nowayman, I’m in Arkansas partying with myboys and we need some pussy here, now!

Silky: But Matthew, all of my finest ladies are here waiting for you. I’ve even installed a new entertainment pole made from the brass salvaged off of an 18th century shipwreck. Allow me to send you a picture of what you can expect.

Matt: I don’t give a shit about your fancy whores, I just need somebody to get their cottage cheese ass up to Arkansas for some dirty fuckin’. We’ve got coke and everything, we just need some of that filthy snatch you’ve got! [snorts line]

Silky: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that last part. Did you say something about cocaine?

Matt: You’re goddamnrightSilky! It’s a fuckin’ party!

Silky: I’m afraid I cannot continue with this conversation Matthew, I’ll have to hang up the phone now.

Matt: Can you hear me now? [screams into phone] I SAID IVE GOT A SHITLOAD OF COCAINE HERE AND I NEED SOME WOMEN WHO I CAN PAY FOR SEX!

[Police officer knocks on window]

Matt: What the fuck do you want?

Officer: Put your hands where I can see them and exit the car slowly.

Matt: Don’t you know who I am? I’M THE GREAT WHITE MOTHERFUCKIN’ HYPE! I SCORED FOUR TOUCHDOWNS LAST YEAR! So back down, bitch.

Officer: [reaches for taser]