STARBUCKS

WASHINGTON SHOE BUILDING, SEATTLE.

Peter King: Thanks again for meeting me out here, Matt. This has been a terrific interview so far.

Matt Hasselbeck: I’ve enjoyed it, too, Peter.

Peter King: This is a great Starbucks. I hope this isn’t one of the hundreds they close down.

Matt Hasselbeck: Who knows. But I think you need to take it easy on the coffee.

Peter King: Nonsense, I’ve only had six or seven since we’ve been here.

Matt Hasselbeck: If you say so, Mister Starbucks.

Peter King: Ha! Oh Matt, you always make me laugh. You don’t have to go anytime soon, do you?

Matt Hasselbeck: Well, Peter, this is the only thing I had scheduled today. Maybe after this, I can show you some of the Forty Niners game film I’ve been studying at my place.

Peter King: That–that would be great, Matt.

Matt Hasselbeck: Hey, Peter?

Peter King: Yes, Matt? Yes?

Matt Hasselbeck: Peter, do you have a brother?

Peter King: Do I have a…Aw, shit…

BIFF KING: Howdy doo, fuckshovel. Your lady told me you were at the doctor’s office. Guess you finally decided to get treatment for your pussy allergy.

Peter King: I told her to say that so you would leave me alone.

BIFF KING: Righto, Stevie. You do know how much Super Biff hates the doctor, Stevie. If a man in a white coat is gonna be stickin’ stuff in my ass, it’s gonna be John Travolta.

Matt Hasselbeck: We haven’t met. I’m Matt Hasselbeck, how are you?

BIFF KING: You look like a hairy Raul Julia to me. Man, I loved that guy in Kojak. Good to meet you, Matt. Watch out for this little sissy. He’s a real butthole bucaneer if you know what I’m saying.

Matt Hasselbeck: I know what you’re saying.

BIFF KING: I’m saying he likes to rape male ass.

Matt Hasselbeck: Yeah, I caught that. Thanks.

Peter King: GET OUT OF HERE!

[Barista walks up] Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to step away from Mr. King.

BIFF KING: And I’m gonna have to ask you to pick a gender, homo. We have to make tough decisions in this world. You didn’t see me waffling in front of the district court judge ten years ago. Make a decision, homo boy.

Peter King: Weren’t you in jail for having passports in your name from six different countries?

BIFF KING: No, sir. You underestimate the power of El Segundo. I pled all the way down to child endangerment. And for your information, Stevie, Yugoslavia’s not a country anymore.

Matt Hasselbeck: Hey, where’d you get that stupid feather earring?

BIFF KING: Oh, this? Oh, it’s just something I plucked off your mom’s ass. Right after I shot her out of the sky. I can understand you being unfamiliar with the coverings of animals, seeing as you’re a raging bald homosexual from the former Yugoslavia.

Matt Hasselbeck: You better be careful, buddy.

BIFF KING: Hey, Stevie, that reminds me. You remember that time when you were eight and you tried to iron out the wrinkles in your ballsack with an iron? Oh, man. That’s still my favorite ambulance ride ever.

Peter King: God damn you.

BIFF KING: And we’re walking out of the hospital, and the nurse is like, “Be more careful in the future.” What did she think? He was gonna try to iron his balls again?

Matt Hasselbeck: Peter, I think I’ve gotta leave. I forgot about a meeting with my agent today.

Peter King: Oh, Matt! No!

Matt Hasselbeck: Sorry Peter. I’ll be in touch.

[Matt leaves]

BIFF KING: Wow. Now I know what it feels like when a dog comes over and–

Peter King: Go away! Go the fuck away and don’t ever speak to me ever again! Don’t find me, don’t look me up, DON’T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME EVER! AND FOR PETE’S SAKE, STOP CALLING ME STEVIE!!!!

BIFF KING: For Pete’s sake? Who’s Pete?