It’s the last game ever in TIXAS Stadium, and as much as I’d like to go on about how much I dislike the 50-foot crown in the center of its playing field, reader Brian had to go and send me this indelible piece of Bawlmer trashiness, the annual singing of “Crabs for Christmas” by David DeBoy and Da Hons. I know the citizens of Baltimore are fond of wearing their innate tackiness as a badge of honor, but I really think it’s them daring us to test chemical weapons on them.

Brian advises us on some highlights to skip to:

1:43: You get to see some kind of crab mascot shuffling around in the back of the hall. Obviously he is your local sex offender who’s been allowed to dress up as a STD and palm it off as community service.

2:08: We get the entire “Crabs for Christmas” ensemble in all its glory. The Honfest pageant winners and the man on the electronic keyboard who puts the Creep-o-Meter right through the roof. Between this guy and the Crab mascot, the pedophiles are beginning to amass inside this shithole of a hall. Also, notice the lifesize Fathead sticker of Elvis on the wall behind the electric piano. Never understood Balwmer white trash’s fascination with the King, but this makes it a tell-tale sign of a Dundalkian White Trash gathering. Seeing Elvis present on the wall is as tell-tale as a cross burning at a KKK rally.

3:40: “The Chrisssmas Whisshle” – enough said…

Oh, but the Cowboys won’t be denied their stake in the battle to be the biggest cornball shitheads, as this week brings soft focus remembrances of a football stadium infused with grating quasi-religious hokum.

No, it’s a meteor hole. C’mon God, this is your last chance!

(Okay, in the spirit of fairness, here’s Ben Roethlisberger, Brett Keisel and Justin Hartwig singing a holiday song called “Neutered Balls.” Goddammit.)

Tomorrow marks the fifth anniversary of the Namath-Kolber incident, otherwise known as the namesake for this fine Interblog dickjokeacoppia we run here. Let us all get in the Matron Saint’s Day spirit by drunkenly hitting on people in horrendously inappropriate and possibly scandalous ways, which should be a huge departure from how readers of this site typically act.

Despite being described by some as “thick in the britches,” the Matron Saint is seldom given her due as an objet du sexy. Blasphemy, if you ask us. Therefore, in observation of this most holy day on the KSK calendar, we offer some sexified images of other holy women in her honor.

Enjoy the weekend and a most bibulous Matron Saint’s Day.