You guys know that everything I write in Always Be Covering is a joke, right?

You couldn’t really expect me to live up to that guarantee, could you?

Ah shit, this is going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

This morning I woke up determined to get the month off on the right foot, but Daniel Day Lewis said that was cheating. Fucking lefty. This might be even more difficult than I imagined. Thank god I’m not dating Marla the virgin (although I won’t be seeing my girlfriend for a full week…so Saturday and Sunday at Deadspin might be a bit tense).

Although I’m just over 12 hours in to the longest month of my life noticeable changes are already beginning to emerge. For instance, the blindness that has afflicted me since puberty has finally ceased. I can see the light, and it burns! Best of all I can finally get rid of my anti-semitic guide dog, Peaches.

Oops, I think I almost cheated by accident.

So begins my thirtyone day odyssey. Of course none of this would be happening if the best kicker in the history of kicking pointed prolate spheroids hadn’t missed the easiest field goal of all time. But it only came down to that because Peyton couldn’t stop throwing it to the San Diego defense, and don’t tell me things would be much different if MarHar and Dallas played. No, the only possible explanation for this perfect storm of chokeration is…ME!

It should be obvious to anyone paying attention that Viniateri and Manning are to members of a conspiratorial organization that’s hell-bent on bringing down The Maj. Other members include Tom Brady, Bill Belichick, and of course, the Colonel (you can’t have a Pentavirate without five members).

Or perhaps I truly am the world’s greatest jinx…fortunately I have plenty of free time in the next thirty days to launch a full investigation. And of course, plenty of free time to keep you readers apprised of my progress.

I’m already feeling a bit backed up. If Jessica Alba appears naked on the internet in the next 30 days my testes will blow like the Hindenburg…and it’ll be totally worth it!

and now, just because…

*credit to D.C. Benny

Christ, this day is going slow. We ain’t even had our second practice yet. Then I gotta go watch film of both practices, download the rest of the staff, and then map out tomorrow’s schedule. I’m not gettin’ outta here until midnight. I know it. Dag gummit.

God, I can’t wait to get home and masturbate.

I really wish that one girl in those tight black pants hadn’t walked by earlier. All I’ve wanted to do since then is tear off my pants and just hammer myself raw. Get myself a piece of ol’ Wade Jr, if you know what I mean. But nooooo, I gotta stay here and do some daggone work. In a glass office, no less.

Shee-ut.

I got no privacy in this complex. Some asshole’s always reading the paper in the shitter. Maybe I can get home for a quick snack or something. No wait, can’t do that. Patty’s home right now with her Garden Club. God dammit. I really need to masturbate. I’m tellin’ ya, I got a hankerin’ for some spankerin’!

I know what I’m gonna do. When I finally finish up all this shit, I’mma hop in my car and speed on home, gently workin’ my knob through my pleated khakis. That way, I’ll be prepared for rubbin’ when I get home. Everyone should be asleep by then. Then, I’ll sneak into the house real quiet and fire up the ol’ Dell. Patty don’t know about “Private Browsing” on Safari yet. So I’mma grab some tissues and download me some hardcore shit. I like the amateur stuff. It feels more real to me. I don’t like all that staged porn. Maybe I’ll grab some lotion too. That makes my hand feel more like a cooter.

The question is: do I masturbate just once? It’s so hard to hold out for that one Texas-sized spurt. I could conceivably get off one quick jerk in the driveway, then have a longer, more-drawn out jerk when I get through the door. That way, I’m not creaming the keyboard within ten seconds. But then I’ll be tired. And hungry.

God, I need to release the fuckin’ floodgates.

If I could just find somewhere private. There’s no way I can get all this cotton pickin’ work done when I need to go masturbate so badly. If could just jerk off, I could finally get on with my day. Maybe I’ll hit a Starbucks or something. They have bathrooms that lock. I could maybe try and massage it under the table during our film sessions. I could think about that cheerleader girl from that one show. She is one dandy piece of trim. Or I could think about the black pants girl. That Angelina Jolie makes a great imaginary lay, but I haven’t seen her lately. I saw a player’s wife walk in here the other day that had her big, juicy rack just sticking right out. Christ, I’d like to get hold of her ass and then just ride off into the sunset…

God, I have to get this done. The film room. Gotta do it there.

But what if someone notices? Frankly, I got so much Wadebutter built up, it would make a stain on my pants the size of a longhorn. Can’t do it.

C’mon, clock. Move! I gotta get this done! If I can’t masturbate, I can’t think of nothin’ else!

Jones: Yeehaw!!!!!!

Oh, fuck! I’m never gettin’ outta here!

Jones: Hey there, tubby! You like Romo’s doin’? Hoo boy, I like that Romo! But you know what he needs? More options! More routes! More formations! I want you to stay in tonight and help design a new trips package for my boy Romo!

I got family stuff to do tonight, Mr. Jones.

Jones: The fuck you do! I didn’t hire you to love your family! I hired you to work! Now work, fatty! Work work work like the little fattykins you are!

Well, I do have to get home and grab some paperwork real quick.

Jones: I’ll have a courier get it for you! By the way, I’m trying out new cheerleaders on the adjourning practice field this afternoon. Make sure you have my boys focused on football, and not all that sweet river Texas pussy next door. Comprende, mi fucking amigo? WOO HOO! I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!!

Shit. Now I’ll never get to jerk off. I wish I were castrated.

Travel season is here, and that means shelling out lots of cash for you and your significant other to spend a week someplace insignificant (really, you can sleep ’til noon anywhere), spending your day doing mundane crap that might look like fun, I guess, if you’re some 40-year-dipshit that lives within the glossy confines of some pamphlet photograph. And after a week of all that, you’ll be lucky to get one night of sex out of the ordeal. Who calls that a vacation?

Suppose you just want to blow town for a weekend, possibly because you’re not getting blown yourself? Why go through the trouble of bringing someone along when, at the end of the day, you’re just waiting for them to go to sleep so you can jerk off in peace? Where’s the time for ménage à moi? Shouldn’t that be the focus of your hard-earned hiatus?

Well, now it can be. Pack your bags, book your ticket, and tell that ungrateful little tramp that you’re flying with Han Solo this summer. Once again, we’ve got you covered, as your compadres in hand present to you The 10 Best US Cities To Masturbate.

1. Fort Lonesome, Florida

History is rich in Fort Lonesome, where the villiagers’ ancestors did battle with the Spanish, led by the famed commander Wild Tyler Johnson. As you wander these ancient grounds, prepare yourself for some hand-to-gland combat when you visit the Seminole War re-enactment past the old mill near Booger Man’s corner. Stop by the locals’ favorite seaside diner, Sailor Ned’s, for a heaping bowl of homemade chowder. Work at your own speed as you enjoy the long rows of shops and get a taste of the town’s favorite dessert, Fingers and Cream. Before the day is out, cap your night with a pale ale at Willie’s Pub. If you’re up for a quick visit, engage in a dishonorable discharge in the handicapped stall of the men’s room, and then work up a foamy lather in their newly remodeled sinks!

2. Dry Prong, Louisiana

Explore the wilderness in the Deep South in this old town that was held in the palm of Union hands through much of the Civil War. Butter your corn as you dine in a private booth at Diamond’s Grill in the renovated Schnack’s Warehouse, where the chicken is choked twice each day (they even churn their own butter!). Stroll through the town square to the back of City Hall and meet Mr. Stickeykeys, the only mayor of Dry Prong since 1988. Spend your twilight enjoying the Longleaf Pine forests and drive past the nearby hardwoods entering Alexandria. She loves an audience.

3. Come by Chance, Newfoundland

Located on the Avalon Peninsula, Come by Chance exports more fish from its shores than half the eastern seaboard. Which half? We don’t know. Watch as local villagers drill for oil near the North Atlantic Refining Company, which can handle 115,000 barrels in a single day, and doesn’t employ women under 50. Due to the rich fishing economy, seafood has been banned from the Avalon Peninsula since the 1950s, but find yourself still within reach of maritime necessities, such as dolphin wax and two-toned trout sauce, at the local Purple General Store. All this and more makes Come by Chance one of the 10 best US cities to masturbate!

4. Left Hand, West Virginia

Shooting north of the Bible Belt, this West Virginia village boasts one of the most devoutly religious populations of the Midwest. At nearby Ohio Valley University, students are required to wrestle a stiff load that includes one Bible class each semester. Bishop Thomas, the faculty president, challenges the incoming students each year to his annual armwrestling copmetition, held discretely in the confines of his office, to see if the young ones have what it takes to “beat the Bishop.” The spring semester is concluded when the student body performes its traditional performance of “Much Goo About Nothing.”

5. Blue Ball, Pennsylvania.

Just a toss from Left Hand sits another must-see destination along the southern Pennsylvania border. As you stroll through this Amish town, you may find yourself in the back of one of the open furniture warehouses, varnishing the banister. Good deals can be reached on these custom-built crafts if you can find a shop that happens to be liquidating its inventory (you may have to exercise the negotiator to get the best deal, those Amish can be quite stingy). Make a trip during the holiday season and you could be spending your Christmas bonus on a brand new hand-made one-person love seat, just for you.

Rounding out the top ten:

Dripping Springs, Texas; Last Chance, Colorado; Protection, Kansas; Hell, Michigan; and Man I Love Jerking Off, North Carolina.

It’s tournament time, and thoughts of football are distant at best. But, if there’s one figure in basketball who perfectly embodies the football fan ethos, it is former Utah coach and ESPN analyst Rick Majerus. In a special KSK exclusive, Majerus offers you the fan some pointers about his favorite extracurricular activity.

I love basketball. Everyone knows that. But few people know that my true love is masturbating. There’s something so pure about masturbation, so self-contained. All you need is a hand, your cock, a couple free minutes, and an iron will. And, given a modicum of seclusion, you can do it anywhere! In fact, masturbating in public is easier than you think, and I’ll show you how! It’s so gratifying, and not just in a self-gratifying way. Having an orgasm in public makes you feel like you’re getting away with something, and you are! Plus, there’s always the possibility that someone is watching you, and man is that a turn-on. Here are some of my favorite public places to help myself to myself:

Public Bathroom: Okay, so this isn’t very creative. Everyone masturbates in the shitter at work. But there is some proper etiquette YOU need to be aware of. First, always jerk in the crippled stall. You get more room that way, and the crippled stall is usually farthest from the bathroom door, which gives you time should anyone walk in. If someone does walk in, you must STOP masturbating. It’s guy code. You can’t masturbate with another man present. That would make you queer. Unless you’re right at the end of your jerk, in which case feel free to have a disappointing, way-too-contained orgasm.

The Ocean: If you swim out far enough, you just look like another guy enjoying a leisurely dip in the water. But under the surface? Oh, it’s a whole different story! The trick is to find a sandbar. This way, you can masturbate without having to tread water. There’s no way I can do both! One bonus of masturbating in the ocean? No cleanup! Your seed disperses in a matter of minutes! I like watching it. I sort of feel like I’m giving back to the sea.

Car: Nothing breaks up a long road trip like busting a nut at Mile 200. But you can only masturbate on an open freeway. No traffic jam masturbating. That would be weird. And doing it in city traffic? Even weirder. No, you need a wide-open interstate if you’re gonna get the full roadie on. I like to play “Hot for Teacher” and think of the sexy video! Make sure you have tissues in the glove compartment. And please: automatic transmission drivers only!

Airplane Bathroom: “Occupado”? I’ll say! If I see a stewardess with a hemline that goes past mid-calf, I’m masturbating the second the Fasten Seat Belt sign blinks off. One problem: airplane bathrooms are small, and for big guys like me, that means maneuverability problems. Luckily, thanks to my basketball acumen, I know to keep a wide base. Beware turbulence! You may accidentally end up sticking your cock in the sanitary napkin disposal unit. And that’s a turn-off.

Broadcast Booth: Tirico hates it when I do this. But sometimes you see Ashley Judd in the crowd and you do what you have to do. I managed to get Tirico to join in with me once, but that was about it. What a prude that guy is!

Department Store Fitting Room: The men’s fitting room at Bloomingdale’s is almost always barren. Plus you get the bonus of a full length mirror! I like to strip down naked, just me and “The Rick”. Again, bring tissues, or else you’ll have to use those Dockers you brought in to “try on”.

Public Park: There aren’t as many secluded woodland areas in a public park as you might think! My advice to avoid public parks and head straight for the woods. Leaning against a big tree gives you leverage, plus there are any number of leaves handy. Beware chipmunks. I learned the hard way!

Study Hall: You kids have it so easy. “Quiet time”? That’s prime jerking time! This stunt requires you to manipulate yourself through your trousers, which means you don’t ever get to touch your penis. Kinky! You really have to concentrate to make this work. Think real hard about Jenny Davenport two rows up, scoot real close to your desk, and stare at your textbook as hard you possibly can. You’ll have to fight through cramping, but it’s worth it. Also, you get no opportunity for cleanup here. So I hope you pre-masturbated before class. Otherwise, you risk the dreaded “wet spot”, plus potential “gluing” to the old Fruit of the Looms.

Health Club Steam Room: The steam gives you cover, plus the heat gets you worked up fast. If someone walks in, you can usually stop and hide your steam-on with little effort. But do be careful. I’ve passed out 5 times doing this. And there is no greater tragedy than an unfinished jerk.

On Stage At A Pep Rally: I don’t suggest this. Ralph Friedgen also tried it with poor results.

I’m sure Rick missed a few. (And I missed the Berea Public Library! Idiot!) Why not let him know in the comments after you’ve finished throwing up?