Hate restores us. Hate focuses us. Hate keeps us warm at night and spoons us if we so desire it. And no time is hate more powerful – more necessary – than the postseason, when those we despise are so close to getting what they want. I don’t get what I want, so f*ck those guys. There are countless reasons to hate anyone. Some of which you might not be aware. Or been made to realize that they are worthy of scorn. Well, you came to the right place. Allow us to guide you to the darkest recesses of the soul, where the streets run dark green with bile and everyone knows your embarrassing nickname.

For the majority of the season, the mantra among NFL pundits was that this was the year of parity and that there was no true favorite. But then the Patriots followed up an ass-kicking at the hands of the Cleveland Browns by cutting a swath of destruction through the rest of the favorites in the NFL, with the exception of the Packers, who the Pats would have lost to if Aaron Rodgers had started.

In some ways, the Patriots, as a team, were a touch more difficult to hate this season (by Patriots hating standards, at least). Most of their roster is compromised of players who haven’t been in the league long enough to build the dirty, cheating reputations they will undoubtedly have by the time their Patriots’ career is over. Sure, Brandon Spikes got suspended for violating the league’s substance-abuse policy. But that was reportedly for ADHD medication, which is fucking lame. Also, he sucks, so it’s not really that fun, anyway.

Lucky for us there’s still gloating dipshit neatly coiffed vagina troll asshole Tom Brady (Cromartie sucks, but he’s right on that score), the small army of white skill players that will each one day receive a biopic co-directed by Ben Affleck and Mark Wahlberg, not to mention dirty dickface Vince Wilfork.

Oh, and there’s still cheating mumblefuck Bill Belichick on the sidelines. That one of his disciples, Josh McSuperAIDS, was caught cheating this year only further beats back the obnoxious claim by Patriots fans they were unfairly picked on for something everybody does.

“FACK THAT NEW YARK FAGGOT SAL ALOSI. YOU’LL NEVAH TRIP LIKE OW-AH BILLY B!”

And, really, the Patriots could have the most likable roster in the history of the league and we’d all still loathe them because of the bandwagon dunkincunt racist distracted baseball fans. I spent Christmas in Boston and heard more white people use the N-word in three days than I have in the last three years combined. And they’re proud of it. They really are. The Massholes who show up on KSK bristle and do their best to counter the established stereotypes about the depiction of their hometown. But get up there and the locals wear it like a badge of honor. “WE AHHHH HONEST ABOUT HOW WE FEEL ABOUT THE DAHHHKIES. WE’UH NAWT AFRAID OF SAYING WHAT WE MEAN! WE’RE JUST TOO REAL! YOU-AHHH JUST SCARE-UD OF SHOWING YO-AH TRUE COLAHS! YO AHHH NO DIFFERENT THAN US!”

/Tawmmy masturbates to Dan Connolly return set to Seether’s “Broken”

As I’ve mentioned before, my girlfriend is from Bahhhstan. She’s – SURPRISE! – a Red Sox fan who can’t be bothered with football. When defending the recent surge in interest among her fellow Masswipes, she says, “well, football is new to us.” THE TEAM’S 50 FUCKING YEARS OLD! WHY MASOCHISM, WHYYYYYYY? GGGGGAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

/Only nice thing she had to say about The Fighter was the accuracy of the accent

I know, I know. We’re all just jealous that the Patriots are going to win their first title unmarred by cheating (until said cheating surfaces years later) unless of course New England plays the Packers again, in which case they will lose another Super Bowl and a great rejoicing will be had. Nevertheless, shitty publications in Massholia are already proclaiming the season a done deal. I don’t read Simmons, but I’m sure he has a dozen separate reverse jinxes in place, each douchier than the last. Never mind that since Brady won his third title in ’04 and started his career 9-0 in the postseason, he’s been – to paraphrase PK – a quasi-Manningesque 5-4.

’05 – Lost to Jake Plummer and the Broncos (cue Pats fans whining for 30 minutes about Champ Bailey’s fumble going through the end zone).

’06 – Lost to the Colts, who could supposedly never beat them, after overseeing the largest blown lead in conference championship history.

’07 – Depending on your view, either committed one of the biggest chokes in Super Bowl history or just got plain dominated by the Giants’ front four (cue Patriots fans ongoing whining about uncalled holding penalties on The Giant Snatch, the ball hitting the ground and issues with the game clock. Also blaming it all on Randy Moss.)

’08 – Bernard Pollard secures himself a place in Canton. 11-5 Pats miss playoffs in favor of 8-8 Chargers. Why would you ever want to change the playoff format after that?

’09 – Patriots get absolutely destroyed by the Ravens in Foxborough (Foxboro? Fox burrow?). At one point, Tom Brady has the chance to easily run in a four-yard touchdown, but opts to throw the ball away instead. Dreamboat downgraded from pussy to stoma fuckhole. Despite the home playoff loss, the team has the gall to celebrate its record regular-season home winning streak record the following year. Didn’t you assholes mock Fat Humps for doing the same shit when the Colts establishing the longest regular season winning streak in NFL history in ’09 after losing in the playoffs the season before? Yeah, you did.

In his first playoff game each year during that span, Brady has a combined 10 TDs and 3 INTs. The rest of the games? 7 TDs and 9 INTs. Probably means bad things for the Jets, but fans of late-round choking by New England could be in for another treat. Brady had quite the streak of games without interceptions this season, but he’s also been lucky as shit. I think the Bears alone dropped three Brady picks. And should New England win it all, well, they were the favorites anyway and it’ll only be the first of theirs that hasn’t been completely discredited. Pressure’s all on them.

Finally, may Woodhead commit the fumble that causes the Pats to lose. May Brady go bald from the stress and anguish of defeat. May Bob Kraft hug a roadside bomb when he visits his Israeli football league. May Welker get reverse vitiligo. May Charles Pierce kick the shit out of Bill Simmons the next time the Sports Guy actually returns to Boston. May FreeDarko get to write Simmons’ obituary. May someone finally make Maria Menounos shut the fuck up. May Belichick get foot fucked by Rex Ryan. May all the sisters and daughters of Pats fans sire black children who grow up to play and win championships for the Yankees and Lakers. May Fenway Park – THE CATHEDRAL OF BAHHSTAN – crumble to dust and you all choke on it. Gillette Stadium can stay, because you don’t give a fuck about it anyway.

Players

Fans

Grit

Not all of us get to root for the meteor. There have to be annoying people to fill the bandwagons struck by the meteors to make the destruction enjoyable, do there not? I do this for your future schadenfreude-fueled enjoyment.

Anyway, the Greatriots visit Pittsburgh for the right to be tied with the Jets for the best record in the AFC. The Patriots got rolled last week in Cleveland, but the Browns almost beat the Jets today. But the Jets almost lost to the Lions last week. Also, the Browns beat the Saints. And the Saints beat the Steelers. Not to mention that the Patriots beat the Ravens. And the Ravens beat the Steelers. But the Ravens beat the Jets. And the Jets beat the Patriots.

Trying to pinpoint a favorite this season is an ordeal. And yeah I know trying to base superiority on results vs. common opponents is pretty dumb, but it was illustrative of my point and besides idiots do it all the time.

Dalai Lama: It is my joy to appear and speak before you, people of Massachusetts. Emotionally, mentally, physically, we are same. Everyone have the same right to achieve happy life. The path to spiritual health is open to all who wish to negotiate it.

Patriots fans: [Crushing silence only broken by the sounds of people texting]

Dalai Lama: Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions. I find hope in the darkest of days, and focus in the brightest. I do not judge the universe. There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies. My brain and my heart are my temples; my philosophy is kindness.

Patriots fans: [More silence, some begin to file out]

Dalai Lama: Our should be a mission of peace. What use is it to struggle against others when we all flow within the same lifeblood? Only with understanding and empathy can we better our own existence. If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.

Patriots fans: [More silence. The sound of crickets chirping is heard]

Dalai Lama: I am failing to reach them. Perhaps I must speak in their tongue.

Dalai Lama: [Dons Patriots hat] OW-AH ENLIGHTENMENT IS MAAAHHHH PRAHFOUND THAN YO-AH ENLIGHTENMENT! WE APPRECIATE THA UNIVAHSE ON DEEPAH LEVELS! BECAWSE WE’RE WICKED SMAHT! COLTS FANS DO FAGGY MEDITATIONS WITH THEIR CAWKS! AND THEY STILL HAVE INNAH TUMULT AFTERWARDS! WE BEEN LOYAL FOLLOWAHS OF THE GREAT BUDDHIST NATION SINCE THE FIRST BODHISATTVA. WE EVEN GOT HIS THROWBACK TO PROVE IT! HE’S BETTAH THAN YO-AW SPIRITUAL LEADAH!

Patriots fans: …

But you’re still not white!

Brian Scalabrine said only through Twisted Teas could one achieve inner peace! YOU CALLING HIM A LIE-AH!?

THIS GUY’S A FACKIN’ FRAWD!

LET’S HAVE HIM DRAWN AND QUAHTAHED! RABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLE!

Wes Welker: People, people! That is the most esteemed Dalai Lama. He of all people is worthy of our attention and respect. Heed the lessons he tells to you today. Much wisdom, he has.

Patriots fans: [All] We will do as you say. We are followers of the Words of Welkah. His is the Way and the Light.

Wes Welker: Go in peace my children.

Patriots fans: [All] Peace be unto Wes. We will allow the gook to speak his Asian words.

Wes Welker: Also: Pedroia is a false prophet.

Patriots fans: [All] Don’t push your luck! Sawx come first! Don’t push your luck! Sawx come first!

Rival minor holidays share space on this dreary Monday, what with stoners and Massholes (there’s room for some overlap, that would at least serve to explain the team logo hodgepodge tattoo) each having relative moments of significance to observe. Is it 26 feet of subs or 26.2 miles of arduous running. The choice is clear. WHO YA GOT?

The game may not be all that competitive on the field but there’ll be plenty of grist for the douche mill in this pitched battle of the obnoxious, with the bandwagon, pink hatted, fairweather, occasionally violent, racist and retaaaaaaahded fans of the Paytreeuts square off with Marmalard himself. The combined forces of douche converging could make the universe collapse on itself, which is a preferable eventuality than the Patriots winning it all. Anyway, WHO YA GOT?

For those in the D.C. area who care to join, I’ll be watching the game at Murphy’s in Alexandria, home of “the largest Patriots fan club in the mid-Atlantic region.” Sure, the team will almost certainly win, but all that C4 I plant might put the kibosh on their celebration. I’m kidding, of course. Grenades will work fine. Thanks for those, Ufford!

mumblemumblemumblesuckitDungymumblemumblemumblemumbleyoutooJohnHodgmanmumblemumblemumble

Now you’re on the trolley!

We all know that cheerleaders make everything better, so why should a trip to the beach be any different? Just imagine you’re on the run from the law a well-deserved vacation in the paradise of Punta Cana, DR (Spanish for The Island of Dr. Moreau) when the ultimate gaggle of pussy start traipsing through the virginal sand .

Professional cheerleaders are shooting their team calendar and you are given a front row seat. What do you do? What do you do? Well if that team is the New England Patriots and you’re a Masshole I guess this is the answer…

Holy shit! Somebody hold my likah!

Yep, that looks about right. Odds he got laid…5.9736×10²⁴/1.

So this weekend while you’re hiding from the rain and/or your mother (oh sweet merciful Yaweh) just think, you could have been chillin’ in the DR with some of the hottest women to ever don the spankie. Instead of chatting up your mom you could be oiling up some ass.

Enjoy your weekend everybody, I’m going to the beach in case some cheerleaders need a dedicated towel boy.

Gotta support the team.

photo’s courtesy of Boston.com

Because NBC screwed us out of Jenna Fischer in a two-piece I’ve decided to add a little something extra to this week’s cheerleader fix. Enjoy this spread of Jenna at her best.

Yeah, that’s the good shit.

While the Baseball Tonight recap was everything I could have expected (“I would have eaten that!” -Kruk) it was the game’s live broadcast on NESN that provided the best analysis. Now watch as this noble football fan shows a pussy baseball fan how they roll in Foxboro.

I’m not sure what Mystic Pizza is about but I’d like to think it involves Julia Roberts on the other end of a sloppy slice like that one.

I can’t decide which reaction is my favorite, there’s a bounty of greatness to choose from. You have to love the Oliver Stone inspired analysis conducted by the Jerry Remy, but my favorite is the reaction of the victim’s friend. In a short period of time he goes through the full gamut of emotions; joy when the foul ball is headed his way, sadness when he spills his beer, anger when he sees what’s been done to his friend, horror when he sees the wasted pizza, and finally happiness when he realizes that his dumb ass is going to be all over television.

We salute you random Patriots fan. You waited for the perfect moment before you stuck it to the northeast liberal elite baseball-istas for the world to see.