Dalai Lama: It is my joy to appear and speak before you, people of Massachusetts. Emotionally, mentally, physically, we are same. Everyone have the same right to achieve happy life. The path to spiritual health is open to all who wish to negotiate it.

Patriots fans: [Crushing silence only broken by the sounds of people texting]

Dalai Lama: Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions. I find hope in the darkest of days, and focus in the brightest. I do not judge the universe. There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies. My brain and my heart are my temples; my philosophy is kindness.

Patriots fans: [More silence, some begin to file out]

Dalai Lama: Our should be a mission of peace. What use is it to struggle against others when we all flow within the same lifeblood? Only with understanding and empathy can we better our own existence. If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.

Patriots fans: [More silence. The sound of crickets chirping is heard]

Dalai Lama: I am failing to reach them. Perhaps I must speak in their tongue.

Dalai Lama: [Dons Patriots hat] OW-AH ENLIGHTENMENT IS MAAAHHHH PRAHFOUND THAN YO-AH ENLIGHTENMENT! WE APPRECIATE THA UNIVAHSE ON DEEPAH LEVELS! BECAWSE WE’RE WICKED SMAHT! COLTS FANS DO FAGGY MEDITATIONS WITH THEIR CAWKS! AND THEY STILL HAVE INNAH TUMULT AFTERWARDS! WE BEEN LOYAL FOLLOWAHS OF THE GREAT BUDDHIST NATION SINCE THE FIRST BODHISATTVA. WE EVEN GOT HIS THROWBACK TO PROVE IT! HE’S BETTAH THAN YO-AW SPIRITUAL LEADAH!

Patriots fans: …

But you’re still not white!

Brian Scalabrine said only through Twisted Teas could one achieve inner peace! YOU CALLING HIM A LIE-AH!?

THIS GUY’S A FACKIN’ FRAWD!

LET’S HAVE HIM DRAWN AND QUAHTAHED! RABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLE!

Wes Welker: People, people! That is the most esteemed Dalai Lama. He of all people is worthy of our attention and respect. Heed the lessons he tells to you today. Much wisdom, he has.

Patriots fans: [All] We will do as you say. We are followers of the Words of Welkah. His is the Way and the Light.

Wes Welker: Go in peace my children.

Patriots fans: [All] Peace be unto Wes. We will allow the gook to speak his Asian words.

Wes Welker: Also: Pedroia is a false prophet.

Patriots fans: [All] Don’t push your luck! Sawx come first! Don’t push your luck! Sawx come first!

Rival minor holidays share space on this dreary Monday, what with stoners and Massholes (there’s room for some overlap, that would at least serve to explain the team logo hodgepodge tattoo) each having relative moments of significance to observe. Is it 26 feet of subs or 26.2 miles of arduous running. The choice is clear. WHO YA GOT?

The game may not be all that competitive on the field but there’ll be plenty of grist for the douche mill in this pitched battle of the obnoxious, with the bandwagon, pink hatted, fairweather, occasionally violent, racist and retaaaaaaahded fans of the Paytreeuts square off with Marmalard himself. The combined forces of douche converging could make the universe collapse on itself, which is a preferable eventuality than the Patriots winning it all. Anyway, WHO YA GOT?

For those in the D.C. area who care to join, I’ll be watching the game at Murphy’s in Alexandria, home of “the largest Patriots fan club in the mid-Atlantic region.” Sure, the team will almost certainly win, but all that C4 I plant might put the kibosh on their celebration. I’m kidding, of course. Grenades will work fine. Thanks for those, Ufford!

Well, I am.

mumblemumblemumblesuckitDungymumblemumblemumblemumbleyoutooJohnHodgmanmumblemumblemumble

Kevin, you dream the dreams of America. But you don’t take it quite far enough; there’s one thing missing.

Now you’re on the trolley!

We all know that cheerleaders make everything better, so why should a trip to the beach be any different? Just imagine you’re on the run from the law a well-deserved vacation in the paradise of Punta Cana, DR (Spanish for The Island of Dr. Moreau) when the ultimate gaggle of pussy start traipsing through the virginal sand .

Professional cheerleaders are shooting their team calendar and you are given a front row seat. What do you do? What do you do? Well if that team is the New England Patriots and you’re a Masshole I guess this is the answer…

Holy shit! Somebody hold my likah!

Yep, that looks about right. Odds he got laid…5.9736×10²⁴/1.

So this weekend while you’re hiding from the rain and/or your mother (oh sweet merciful Yaweh) just think, you could have been chillin’ in the DR with some of the hottest women to ever don the spankie. Instead of chatting up your mom you could be oiling up some ass.

Enjoy your weekend everybody, I’m going to the beach in case some cheerleaders need a dedicated towel boy.

Gotta support the team.

photo’s courtesy of Boston.com

Because NBC screwed us out of Jenna Fischer in a two-piece I’ve decided to add a little something extra to this week’s cheerleader fix. Enjoy this spread of Jenna at her best.

Yeah, that’s the good shit.

Last night I accidentally saw a few minutes of Baseball Tonight (extended viewing of John Kruk has been known to cause hemorrhoids in test subjects). If you didn’t see it you probably missed the single greatest baseball highlight we’re likely to see all year (unless Manny Ramirez finally just takes a piss on the warning track). On first glance it looked like a routine foul ball, but there was so much more.

While the Baseball Tonight recap was everything I could have expected (”I would have eaten that!” -Kruk) it was the game’s live broadcast on NESN that provided the best analysis. Now watch as this noble football fan shows a pussy baseball fan how they roll in Foxboro.

I’m not sure what Mystic Pizza is about but I’d like to think it involves Julia Roberts on the other end of a sloppy slice like that one.

I can’t decide which reaction is my favorite, there’s a bounty of greatness to choose from. You have to love the Oliver Stone inspired analysis conducted by the Jerry Remy, but my favorite is the reaction of the victim’s friend. In a short period of time he goes through the full gamut of emotions; joy when the foul ball is headed his way, sadness when he spills his beer, anger when he sees what’s been done to his friend, horror when he sees the wasted pizza, and finally happiness when he realizes that his dumb ass is going to be all over television.

We salute you random Patriots fan. You waited for the perfect moment before you stuck it to the northeast liberal elite baseball-istas for the world to see.