Just the thing you need to gonzo up your day is Marty B rap-rhapsodizing about his love for Cap’n Crunch, which is capped off with him cerealkkaking himself in the face. I’ve come to the conclusion that Martellus is a real life version of Big and is really a 9-year-old kid who went to a fortune telling machine and transformed in a full grown professional football player. Only he’s happy with the change and not interested in returning to his old life and having a proper childhood. Just think for a moment how close the Cowboys were to having Marty B., T.O. and Ocho on the same roster. They would created a strain of insanity that would a ripped a wormhole to another dimension where dinosaurs sing in barbershop quartets and women can drive well. That’s the Bay of Pigs close call of our lifetime.

As a side note: I don’t know what it is about bad amateur lyricists and the Cocoa Brovaz’ “Super Brooklyn” beat, but it’s like a match made in Awkward Heaven. Damn near every time I’ve been at a party or over at someone’s house and the itch to freestyle rap poorly is too overpowering, this is inevitably the beat those bars of white hot lyrical fire are laid over. I hope someday when our generation becomes the power brokers and we force our nostalgia on the youngins like the Baby Boomers did, this beat will be mandatory in any period piece about our era, like how you can’t set a movie in the ’60s without using “Green Onions” at some point.

We’re clearly in the tank for Martellus Bennett here at KSK. But I think even we can admit that the first episode of his new game show, “Who Wants To Be Hood Rich?” could use some work. They need to improve the lighting. Wait, strike that. They need lighting. Also, the host never ends up banging the living hell out of the contestant. What’s that, you say? This wasn’t MEANT to be interracial gonzo porn? Well, you could have fooled me.