That’s right. I shaved my head, in case you can’t tell by the big honking photo that your office manager down the hall has been creaming about for an hour. People don’t notice for four days when you get your hair cut, but when I do, it’s on front pages in places where they don’t even believe in Christ. This is big news, obviously. Anytime I do anything, it’s news, OF COURSE, but when I do stuff with my appearance, it’s extra big news. Because anything with photos is like easy pickins for media outlets, like for me when I play the Denver Donkeydicks.

Can we give this a rest? I been in camp not long enough to tell Norv he’s a goat scroat for a chin when all these leery media types start asking why? Why the bald head, Phil?

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Sometimes even the biggest throbcock NFL star has to take a moment to butter up the cheesedicks in the media. That way when I’m 40 and uneasy with the prospect of ending my career, I’ll have someone eager to let me string them along for my final five years in the league. Besides, if the media ain’t asking somebodddaaayyy, who is? Bring on the softballs, Pedro.

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[Don Coryell Memorial Service, San Diego State University's Viejas Arena]

Dan Fouts: He was at once one of the most innovative football minds that I or anyone else ever encountered on the field and one of the most compassionate. His imprint exists on every single NFL game you watch today. But if you knew him, as I and my fellow teammates did, that could not measure up to the way he could shape your life on a personal level.

The cliche of a successful football coach is that of the dogmatic martinet who bullies his players until they conform, or more simply, bend to his iron will. That was not Don. It was not only his clever playcalling that was visionary, but his willingness to defer to the players running his offense. To him, I not only owe much of my career success, but the extent to which I enjoyed so much of it. Don remained a friend of mine throughout his life after football and he will be deeply missed.

Minister: Very touching words, Dan. And now, Don’s youngest nephew … a Mr. Laserface, I believe, would like to make a few comments.

Dan Fouts: Wait, who?

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I know how you Internet chucklecocks like to vicariously live through my life. That’s just fine. If I spent my time committing the sin of pleasuring myself at the office while trying to ignore the 300-pound office manager telling me about her nephew’s rained out tee-ball game from over the weekend, you can damn sure bet I’d be envious and resentful of men who decided not to squander the precious gift of life.

But The Good Lord instructs us not to judge, so it’s not my place to condemn you sorry spoonfuls of nutria shit, no matter how pathetic your groveling might get. I leave that to Him.

However, it has come to my attention that many of you Christ love thieves have been clamoring for my reaction to Tim Tebow being drafted by the Denver Donkeycunts. I don’t know why. Don’t none of you have anything to do with your pissant lives? Isn’t there some porno jigsaw puzzle you could be doing instead? Would that titillate you, you sickening perverts?

Is it because, like me, he too is a man of faith? Is that it? Look, I welcome all those who carry the faith. Even the ones who suck at quarterbacking. But, if I may, I would like to say just one thing about Mr. Tebow. And that is…

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Philip Rivers: WHAT? HUH? WHAT? DON’T MAKE OL’ LAZYFACE SAY IT!

LaDainian Tomlinson: …I got cut.

Philip Rivers: HAHAHAHAHAHA YOU SURE DID! CUT JUST LIKE THE WIFEY’S MIDSECTION WHEN THE DOCTOR NEEDS TO RETRIEVE THE NEWEST PRINCE LASERFACE!

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Might be hearing something about that Week 16 Curtis Painter game this week.

I guess we need a guest post from our old buddy Stefan Fatsis to explain why every single kicker in the NFL sucks this year. Especially in the playoffs. Between the performances by Shayne Graham, Neil Rackers, Shaun Suisham and San Diego’s Scott Norwood, there hasn’t been a single halfway clutch kick in this postseason.

So smile one more time, Tony Romo. Big Nate here might have spared you from the Least award, if not yet another choke job.

Were only NFL players and coaches like their KSKharacters, this game would be worth it solely for the shouting. And the ideological battle between pussytubing and floaty abstinence would undoubtedly be a pitched one. Instead, we have to hope that Revis Island going against King Laserface’s 6′ 23″ receivers results in a real compelling game during these playoffs.

Christmas is a time for being stressed out by relatives, with alcohol your only merciful bulwark against madness. Or throwing them the Coach Haley holiday greeting. Already faced with that, you expect us to work too? Not so long as we have good seasonal content to recycle. Feel like bitching? Just be thankful you’re not in Sweden, where those blond assholes go nuts for a stupid cartoon with Donald Duck in the jungle.

Also, George Michael died. No, not that one. Or that one. This one. D.C. mourns its machine.

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Some people sincerely want to push Carolina as an upset possibility over the unbeaten Saints because cornball Cajun bag of suck Jake Delhomme has never lost a start in the Superdome and John Fox is 7-0 there as a head coach. And hey! They’ve won three of their last four. Even if two of those wins were against the Redskins and the Bucs, while the loss came to the goddamn Bills. They’re primed for the role of spoiler!

All right, fine, Sedrick Ellis and adopted fake-Asian Scott Fujita are out, so conceivably Jonathan Stewart and DeAngelo Williams could run wild and propel Carolina to victory, but it would have to be so dominating a performance that it accounts for the inevitable backbreaking Delhomme pickerception.

San Diego at New York –

[Heart surgery flies open]

Philip Rivers: Hey, have you tried my cardboard box of Killer F*cking Cock?

WELL YOU CAN’T BECAUSE I HAVE A HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART WIFE AND 14 LASERFACE JUNIORS AND WE’RE ALL ABSTINENT!

[Murmuring instructions heard off camera]

Chicken?

But I go to Chick Fil-A for my chicken. THEY’RE FROM THE SOUTH, LIKE ME! And they’re never open on Sundays, because they love Jeebus. LIKE ME!

Screw your Christ-hating, Hell-roasted demon birds. Let that gimpy asswipe Brian Westbrook burn for eternity for endorsing it. KING PHILIP THE LASERFACED HAS MORAL RECTITUDE AND WILL SHOW IT BY DICKWHIPPING THIS BIG APPLE FULL OF FORNICATING WORMS!

[Still collects check for ad]

Detroit at Seattle — For the first time in more than a month, the Lions “Big 3” (that’s cute, Detroit) of Megatron, Kevin Smith and Matt Stafford will be starting together, meaning the Lions will be at least slightly more entertaining in defeat.

Tennessee at San Francisco — This week, Rodney Harrison called the Titans the dirtiest team in the league. For this grievous insult, a shirtless Vince Young will pin him down while Jeff Fisher, dressed in a Peyton Manning jersey, fistpumps Harrison in the throat and LenDale White stomps on his Always Sunny in Philadelphia-patented dick towel.

Elisha and Marmalard will forever be inextricably linked as the top two quarterbacks selected in the 2004 NFL Draft, but more so because they were swapped for one another because Eli Manning is a prissy little bitch who refused to play in San Diego. Also, they’re both tremendously unlikable people. Eli has already had to play the Chargers since that fateful draft day (he lost), but that was back in 2005 when Breesus was still at the helm of the offense. “NOW IT’S LASERFACE’S TURN TO INFLICT NUTPUNCHING ANGUISH ON LESSER MANNINGS! TELL ME THAT’S FLIPPIN’ SWEET, SHARTBOTTLE!” Anyway, WHO YA GOT?

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