Watch as the NBC flunkies openly grouse that this game wasn’t flexed to Patriots-Broncos. “It could have been us showing viewers what Tebow would look like if he were right-handed! Who am I supposed to hype in this game? Ray Rice? SNL doesn’t devote sketches to him.”

Anyway, after sucking for the vast majority of the season, ruining your fantasy team and leading the NFL in interceptions (Josh Freeman derped his way to the top spot last week), Philip Rivers has gotten his float together the past two games, throwing six touchdowns and no interceptions. There was also a fumbled snap that the defense recovered for a touchdown, BUT THOSE AREN’T PASSING STATS! WHAT? HUH? WHAT? That said, those two performances were against the Jaguars and the Bills, so a granule of salt for reason, please. Ray Lewis returns for the Ravens, which will be a nice opportunity for announcers to ignore that Baltimore’s defense has been playing better with God’s Linebacker out of the lineup. Oh, and Terrell Suggs will probably continue to rep Ball So Hard University, the sketchy sister school of Ball State.

The Chargers, last seen squandering a half dozen chances to redeem themselves by stopping Tebowmania, have lost six straight. One would assume that to be sufficient ineptitude to get Norv Turner fired, but it’s sometimes difficult to gauge how beholden a franchise is to the sweet, sumptuous strains of losing.

By firing Jack Del Rio, the Jaguars proved more daring by being willing to cut ties with an inept coach. That’s because they had other, more critical ties to establish, like links to SOOPER SECRET PAKISTANI MOOSLIM TERRORISTS with new owner Shahid Khan. Besides amusingly whipping retards into xenophobic frenzy, KHHHHAAAAAAANNNNNN is notable for his conspicuous Iron Sheik mustache. Were the NFL scripted by 1980s Vince McMahon, Tebow would have indeed been drafted by his hometown Jaguars, only for Khan to purchase the team and bench Jesus Baron indefinitely, thus setting up a rivalry that ends with Tebow hulking out and pinning Khan at the base of The Statue of Liberty.

The Florida Times-Union today made printable Khan mustaches for Jags fans to wear to the game. A cute sentiment until a few dozen rednecks decide to pair them with turbans.

Don’t forget to also take a glance at The New Yorker‘s latest foray into low culture in the form of this profile of Jon Gruden. The piece portrays Gruden as an obsessive student of the game who spends inordinate time poring over game tape only to shuck all that cumbersome insight off once he enters the booth to transform into a wild-eyed fluffer jackal.

Ensconced in his lair in Tampa, far from the “Monday Night Football” cameras, Gruden can sound shockingly negative. He is forever judging players who don’t or can’t excel—“slapdicks,” he calls them, or, more familiarly, “slappies.”

“THIS SLAPPIE SLAPDICK GABBERT, I CAN’T TELL IF HE WANTS TO SLAP THE DICK OR PLAYFULLY PAW AT IT. MY QUARTERBACK NEEDS TO EXHIBIT PEEN POKING INTENSITY!” Despite a few colorful anecdotes about Gruden, it’s Jaws who steals the show with this tragicomic outtake:

When it was Jaworski’s turn, he issued a stern proclamation. “Call me crazy, but I’m really excited for Tyler Palko tonight,” he said, and a roomful of skeptical sports producers erupted in laughter. Jaworski had given himself the thankless task of building up the Chiefs, praising them as much as he could without putting his own credibility at risk. Perhaps viewers would buy into the idea, however far-fetched, that Palko would emerge as the night’s underdog hero. Later that day, as Jaworski was making a cup of coffee in the ESPN bus, he tried the line again. “Call me crazy, but I’m excited about Tyler Palko,” he said. He exhaled. “I’ve got to sell this,” he said to himself.

Please remake Glengarry Glen Ross just for Jaws.

The late games today give you an excellent excuse to go outside and enjoy the unseasonably warm weather. Marmalard and the Chargers bring their unexpected suckiness to Chicago, where an long lost sulkfaced nemesis awaits, in what is probably the most interesting matchup in the late slate, unless the revival of Chris Johnson continues for a second week in Atlanta.

San Diego @ Chicago ★★★
Tennessee @ Atlanta ★★★
Arizona @ San Francisco ★★
Seattle @ St. Louis ★

Like I said, no one will think you’re a bad football fan if you just turn off the games and head outside.

Should you be one of those many, possibly every, soul who enjoys Marmalard being irate at each and every one and failing all over, then this was a harvest feast of delectation for you. After Marcus McNeill went down, so too went down Laserface. On damn near every dropback. Still, the Raiders herped and derped around long enough in the second half to make a comeback a reality. But the Chargers were unbowed in their collapse. Vincent Jackson got turned around and seemed completely at sea during the final interception to seal it. That launched a Rivers hissy fit to out hissy them all. Pity the six children waiting at home for float daddy.

Thursday night football, everyone’s favorite late-season tradition that is only available to that percentage of the nation that gets NFL Network, returns with a classic AFC West turnover fest. Carson Palmer has thrown three interceptions in each of his two appearances since inspiring the Raiders to mortgage their future in a way that shouldn’t be allowed post-Wall Street bailouts. Meanwhile, current NFL interception leader Marmalard floated two pick-sixes to the Packers a week after his “worst day ever” Romo-esque fumble in a Monday night loss to the Chiefs. That should be sufficient to get you to ignore “Community”, “Parks & Rec” and “Always Sunny”, right?

The most glaring weakness of the Thursday night games, of course, had been the disastrous NFL Network announcing team of Joe Theismann, Matt Millen and Bob Papa, who were mercifully and gloriously dispatched in the off-season. Now we get Brad Nessler and Mike Mayock, who are respectable replacements. Even if sitting through Mayock pronouncing Philip Rivertttthhhhhhhhhh for three hours is likely to wear on the ears.

As I watched the pregame show for “Football Night in America” on Sunday, I fully expected the crew to dramatically shift course from the “Tim Tebow is a born winner” refrain to the more reasonable “Oh right, Tim Tebow can only lob knuckleballs in a general direction, which isn’t a desirable trait for a professional quarterback.” But that didn’t happen. Tony Dungy and Rodney Harrison both faulted the entire Broncos team for the blowout against the Lions, and Harrison pinned additional blame on the defense for “allowing 45 points.”

Um.

First of all, the Broncos defense — while by no means good — gave up 31 points, not 45. Two of those touchdowns were scored by the Lions defense on Tebow turnovers, the latter of which was a terrible goal-line throw that went 100 yards the other way. Tebow was sacked seven times for the second week in a row. His throws are wobbly and off-target. It’s obvious to the most casual observer that he’s overwhelmed by the pro game.

You know, if you want to blame John Fox for not simplifying the game plan enough, that’s an argument that can at least be backed up with evidence. But Tony Dungy was an NFL coach! Rodney Harrison played in the NFL for 15 years! Don’t lie to us, you assholes. We have EYES. We can SEE Tebow playing like dogshit. It’s right there on the TV, every play that isn’t him running the option.

Anyway, your co-Measts this week are Tebow-Smashers Cliff Avril and Stephen Tulloch. Avril had two sacks and two forced fumbles, one of which he recovered and returned for a touchdown. Tulloch had six tackles, a sack, and did this:

HOWEVER, Tim Tebow is NOT the Least of the Week. That honor goes to Philip Rivers. As much as we enjoy a terrible performance from start to finish (cc: Drew Brees), what we TRULY appreciate are boneheaded, costly errors when they matter most. Sure, we laughed at Rivers’s two interceptions and the way every other drive stalled out in field goal range, but fumbling the snap in the final minute before the kicker could come on to win the game was absolutely sublime. Mazel tov, King Laserface! Your worst day ever is our great delight.

Rivers becomes the second player to be named Least two times this season. Your move, Tony Romo.

I feel like I spent all of Derpoween sitting out in the field waiting for The Great Pumpkin Marmalard to show himself, only for nothing but derps and derps and derps and derps. It felt like forever. But oh my. How ever did he derp.

In reality, they all derped. They derped their guts out. The Chargers derped so hard motherf*ckers wanna herp them. Marcus McNeill might have amassed a 2,000 yard season in penalty yardage tonight alone.

To their demerit, the Chiefs, too, did everything they could to lose this game. For those who love it when a team really tries to lose, when they take extra effort to set the table for the other team, bring out the fine china and write VICTORY on their plates in a sauce you’re not sophisticated enough to identify, you had to love the Chiefs tonight. In a game like this, you hate that someone had to be declared the winner, because these teams tried so hard to lose and it breaks your heart that one has to feign triumph when they gave their level best to fall on their faces.

The camera caught Todd Haley yelling FUCK YOU at someone, presumably his offensive coordinator, over the headset as the Chiefs were settling for a field goal before halftime. But no one is surprised at Haley chewing someone out for his own mistakes. The bedraggled look, however, is an unsettling departure from the semi-kept douche.

I like that Haley would like to challenge the Eagles’ offensive lines coach Howard Mudd (and Belichick of course) for most hobo NFL coach, but you’re in way over your head, Todd.

In the end, it wasn’t only the teams that derped. It was the refs and the fans, too. It was us for watching this game. We passively derped while they derped actively on the field; Such is the magic of Derpoween.

Worst day ever? No, sir. Just worst game ever.

Behold the other lowlights and costumes presented largely without commentary or moutheyes. WE WILL PLAY FOOTBALL!

 
[rivers gif via]

Well, it’s something to watch after you’ve shown off your undead Google Reader costume.

Marmalard went full Romo last week in a loss to the Jets, torpedoing a halftime lead with two fourth quarter picks before floating the ball out of bounds on a desperation last ditch 4th down. Should be interesting to see how long teammates put up with Philip Rivers’ transmogrification from obnoxious but stellar douchelord to obnoxious but sucky suckass. I’ll wager another half of football at most. Recall that the Chiefs and Chargers met in Arrowhead in Week 1 last year and the floats were not falling Laserface’s way in that contest.

The Chiefs have seemingly recovered from a horrendous start that very nearly and very hilariously cost Todd Haley his job. Of course, that positive momentum can all be reversed in one crushing loss to a division foe.

So gather ’round, gorge on candy, get engorged with the barrage of NSFW links and wait breathlessly for the biggest dickhead on one of these teams to get cleaved by an irate fanbase.

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are incredibly excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Dallas! Up first, it’s San Diego Chargers quarterback Philip Rivers.

Ha.

Hahaha.

Bahahahahaha!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

AAAAAAAAAAAAHAHA

King Laserface is a great many things. Best field general ever. Watchword for bravery. Spiritual leader of the abstinence movement. Master of the Float. Conqueror of the Fetushead. Unattainable standard of achievement for those with false hope. Living example of humility. But I am also a devout man.

There are times when even those as incredibly blessed as I turn to the heavens and question why it is I am forced to bear the cross of scrot-throat Norval as a millstone albatross keeping me from the many championships that are my destiny.

WHAT? HUH? WHAT? FUCK YOU, NORV. YOUR CONTINUED EMPLOYMENT STANDS IN DEFIANCE OF GOD’S WILL!

But then God sent a personal message to Laserface on Sunday by having both Cutlerfucker and LaToeInjury epically ass-cream the bed in their conference championships. Did you see lil’ Cutty mope around like a pregnant preteen who’s forced to trade her newborn for another score of meth. Sorry, I don’t know where that came from. Just trying to imagine life in Santa Claus, Indiana.

By pussing out from his inevitable collapse with an injury that the inferior quarterback who I displaced as starter played with all season, all the world now knows that the path of Rivers is the way to football salvation. Would I have quit on my team with some silly ligament strain? FUCK AND NO! Football fans remember the 2007 AFC Championship Game, when I took the field with a boar spear through my throwing hand and still almost won even though the Patriots cheated and added three more spears before the game ended. IT’S ON THE FUCKING TAPE! WATCH IT!

Sunday also showed how all my previous titles were sabotaged by incompetence. What’s wrong, LaToeInjury? Rex Ryan suck your bunions tender so you couldn’t drop one single sorry-ass yard into the end zone? YOUR DEVIANT SEXUAL LIFESTYLE WAS YOUR UNDOING! GOD BRINGS A MIGHTY SMITING UPON THE CROMARTIE LEGION OF BASTARDS AND THE FAT MAN’S THIRST FOR FOOT FUCKING!

History will recall this as a turning point when the retard – possibly Mooslim – holdouts finally embraced Laserface as their true champion and conduit to a higher power. Men will become men again, and Cutlerfuckers will be stoned for their pussyanimousness. Let it be so!

Oh yeah, this year’s Sucker Bowl. You did the right thing by asking somebodddddaaaayyyyy, Not that anyone cares because I’m not there, but fuck Rapistperver. Everyone knows King Laserface is the true gem of the ’04 quarterback class. No more rings for you, Rapenstein. Not that it matters since I will single-handedly impel my super soldiers to minimum eight consecutive championships beginning next year, until such time that success bores me and the league names me commissioner, whereupon I will eliminate all franchises I dislike, which is most of them.

ONLY THEN WILL THE TRUE AGE OF LASERFACE DAWN ON THE EARTH AND AN AGE OF ABSTINENCE AND FLOATS WILL MARK A GOLDEN AGE OF MAN!

Last night’s game wasn’t much of a joy to watch unless you’re a Chargers fan or a Vincent Jackson fantasy owner. But it did feature Chargers punter Mike Scifres getting hit so hard by a Niners returner that he flipped into a headstand. You can see that he flies nearly five whole yards before coming to a stop on his head. That should be a new skills competition during Pro Bowl week. Punter/Kicker Launch, with extra points awarded for making the player hand on their head.

The mood on the San Diego sideline was so exultant that Marmalard even attempted to make human contact with Norv. The coach, having repelled all of humanity from trying such an interaction, was obviously touched, but definitely surprised.

PUT ‘ER THERE, PROFESSOR POCKMARK! THE FLOATMASTER GENERAL HAS SAVED YOUR UNDESERVED JOB ONCE AGAIN! I’D ASK YOU TO KNEEL BEFORE ME, BUT YOU’D PROBABLY GET THE WRONG IDEA!

WHAT? HUH? WHAT? FISTBUMP!