Some people sincerely want to push Carolina as an upset possibility over the unbeaten Saints because cornball Cajun bag of suck Jake Delhomme has never lost a start in the Superdome and John Fox is 7-0 there as a head coach. And hey! They’ve won three of their last four. Even if two of those wins were against the Redskins and the Bucs, while the loss came to the goddamn Bills. They’re primed for the role of spoiler!

All right, fine, Sedrick Ellis and adopted fake-Asian Scott Fujita are out, so conceivably Jonathan Stewart and DeAngelo Williams could run wild and propel Carolina to victory, but it would have to be so dominating a performance that it accounts for the inevitable backbreaking Delhomme pickerception.

San Diego at New York –

[Heart surgery flies open]

Philip Rivers: Hey, have you tried my cardboard box of Killer F*cking Cock?

WELL YOU CAN’T BECAUSE I HAVE A HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART WIFE AND 14 LASERFACE JUNIORS AND WE’RE ALL ABSTINENT!

[Murmuring instructions heard off camera]

Chicken?

But I go to Chick Fil-A for my chicken. THEY’RE FROM THE SOUTH, LIKE ME! And they’re never open on Sundays, because they love Jeebus. LIKE ME!

Screw your Christ-hating, Hell-roasted demon birds. Let that gimpy asswipe Brian Westbrook burn for eternity for endorsing it. KING PHILIP THE LASERFACED HAS MORAL RECTITUDE AND WILL SHOW IT BY DICKWHIPPING THIS BIG APPLE FULL OF FORNICATING WORMS!

[Still collects check for ad]

Detroit at Seattle — For the first time in more than a month, the Lions “Big 3” (that’s cute, Detroit) of Megatron, Kevin Smith and Matt Stafford will be starting together, meaning the Lions will be at least slightly more entertaining in defeat.

Tennessee at San Francisco — This week, Rodney Harrison called the Titans the dirtiest team in the league. For this grievous insult, a shirtless Vince Young will pin him down while Jeff Fisher, dressed in a Peyton Manning jersey, fistpumps Harrison in the throat and LenDale White stomps on his Always Sunny in Philadelphia-patented dick towel.

Elisha and Marmalard will forever be inextricably linked as the top two quarterbacks selected in the 2004 NFL Draft, but more so because they were swapped for one another because Eli Manning is a prissy little bitch who refused to play in San Diego. Also, they’re both tremendously unlikable people. Eli has already had to play the Chargers since that fateful draft day (he lost), but that was back in 2005 when Breesus was still at the helm of the offense. “NOW IT’S LASERFACE’S TURN TO INFLICT NUTPUNCHING ANGUISH ON LESSER MANNINGS! TELL ME THAT’S FLIPPIN’ SWEET, SHARTBOTTLE!” Anyway, WHO YA GOT?

Credit to the Something Awful forums

For the second time in the first six weeks of the season, MNF announcers have pronounced a starting QB to be “leading the league in grit.” First, it was Jake Delhomme against Dallas. Tonight, it was Marmalard against Denver. Of course, both quarterbacks suffered gruesome defeat, so we can conclude grit not only amounts to unbearable whiteness, but suckitude as well.

Even resorting to two-handed granny floats wasn’t enough to ensure victory on this night for Marmalard. Not with Eddie Royal’s zero catches capturing everyone’s attention. Seriously, I look at the stat sheet and I can’t understand the hubbub.

“We lost? Man, the dudes at the skate park are gonna give me so much grief for leaving two-thirds of my hair its regular color. I gotta break my rape cherry and quick.”

Nice facepaint application, toothless bro. Be advised that fake dreads bro looks like he wants to drop epic slammage on your be-blued visage.

Jester caps were highly in evidence with fans of both teams in this game. Was it their prankster god that forced this errant referee toss off Merriman’s head?

The Broncos have the opportunity to put themselves three and a half games up on the only other team capable of giving them viable competition for the AFC West crown. But what’s so good about handing a potentially crippling defeat to a division foe without it being augmented by extreme personal rancor? WE WANT PATHOS! You ruined our favorite personal rivalry, McDaniels. THAT WAS YOUR WORST CRIME OF ALL! FATSIS THINKS YOU, SIR, ARE A BOORISH TYRANT!

After all, Jay Cutler was the perfect foil for Philip Rivers; the overwrought sub to Marmalard’s domineering (and abstinent) dom. Now, not only is Cutler removed from the equation, but in his place is the most even-tempered proxy ever. How can anyone, even Rivers, hate the Neckbeard? He’s just a sloppy looking affable drunk (unlike Cutler’s surly drunkeness) who game manages teams to minor success.

It’s just not the same to have Rivers’ nemesis sulking it up in another conference. It’s like making The Joker fight Aquaman. Sure, in the end, one of them still dies, but where’s the dramatic conflict?

“Whatever. I don’t care. Pink binkie is all the friends I need.”

Earlier this season Sports Illustrated polled 246 current NFL players to come up with another one of their gallery lists of the most underrated players in the NFL. Wes Welker was the big winner, claiming 7% of the vote, while KSK favorite Philip Rivers finished ninth with 1.6% (4 votes).

The point of lists like this is to generate preposterous debates about which we really couldn’t care less. The only people who put stock in this nonsense are probably the same ones complaining about our selections for made up weekly awards (What do you mean Peyton isn’t the Meast? HE PASSES FOR 300 YARDS EVERY WEEK!). Normally we wouldn’t bother posting about the results of such a poll, but just look at the picture SI chose to run for Philip Rivers. That’s the stuff floats are made of.

WHAT? HUH? WHAT? TO THE MOON!

This season the Dick/turd Feelers are letting every QB on the planet drive on their defense for winning scores. They let The Incredible Sulk, Jay Cutlerfu*ker do it, they allowed Cornhole Palmer to do it, then deepthroat hot dogs at them in derision. They look at me and say “you violated me in the last minute with your eyes, you did it with your eyes.”

NOW COMES THE LASERFACE TROIKA! THAT’S RUSSIAN FOR “THIRD STRAIGHT DICK KICKING”! YOU ESCAPED THE MARMALARD REVENGE/COACHING KILL TOUR LAST YEAR! YOU WON’T BE SO FORTUNATE NOW!

And this is how I’m gonna do it.

…

…

Ahem!

PLAY ME ON, DOUBLE-L COOL NEGRO!

L.L. Cool J: That’s when Philip Rivers goes all LAST MINUTE TD DRIVE

Yeah. Be more quick about that next time. See, my super soldiers are gonna let you feel good about yourself and have a lead most of the game, maybe even let you pin us inside our 10 inside two minutes while behind four points. THAT’S WHEN A COILED LASERFACE STRIKES! WHAT? HUH? WHAT? ANOTHER CRUSHING LOSS FOR THE SUPER BOWL CRAMPS!!

1st and 10 from own 3 (1:49 remaining) — Fake hand-off to LaToeInjury and kick him in the back of the knee as he runs past, complete 16-yard pass over the middle to Gates

1st and 10 from own 19 (1:34 remaining) — Throw up middle finger at all the retard yinzers, penalized half the distance to the goal

1st and 20 from own 10 (1:34 remaining) — Spike the ball ’cause I don’t give a fuck

2nd and 20 from own 10 (1:32 remaining) — Distract James Harrison by tell him his girlfriend is getting uppity, hit Vincent Jackson down the seam for 45 yards. Call timeout with my cock.

1st and 10 from Steelers 45 (1: 20 remaining) — Mistaken listen to Norv and hand ball to LaToeInjury. Recover his fumble in the backfield while landing on Steeler linebacker’s knee. Clock runs.

2nd and 15 from 50. (One minute remaining) — Take knee for sport.

3rd and 17 from own 47 (:30 remaining) — Norv predictably says run Tiny Darren up the gut. Knee him in his own gut. Execute epic float that hangs in the air long enough for Polamalu to get well and run back onto the field. Drag him down by his bitchy hair and snag float myself for touchdown that I spike on Mike Tomlin’s glasses.

Skip out of town, only after putting one in the pink. THAT’S THE PINK FOUNTAIN, REPROBATE SCUM!

Then I unrape all the girls Ben has given the retard seed to! All I need is some Jonas Brothers records and Chargers jerseys! But not the body paint harlot! Unpure thoughts hand beneath the sky blue!

Everyone loves a strong armed quarterback who can pinpoint throws with surgical precision into the interstitial spaces between a swarm of defenders into the welcoming hands of a receiver. Therefore we can conclude that no one likes Chad Pennington nor Philip Rivers, and not only because Rivers is a dick and Pennington is nice to the point of being off-putting. No, they offend the eye with their bloop passes, even if Marmalard can somehow throw them 60 yards. For those who do tune into this game, please allow an additional four hours of viewing time for passes to land. Anyway, WHO YA GOT?

YOU RAN THE BALL AT STABBY ST. BULLETTOOTH HERE WITH ENOUGH MUNITIONS TO START HIS BREAKAWAY REPUBLIC CALLED GOD’S COUNTRY! LIKE, THAT WOULD BE THEIR OFFICIAL TITLE AT THE UN – GOD’S COUNTY. GEE TO THE MUTHAFUKKIN CEE!

LaToeInjury has shocked the football world by picking a time other than the playoffs to be injured, so Tiny Darren will have to slip beneath the murderous implements of the Ravens defense today. The Chargers will also be missing center Nick Hardwick, so Norv will have to abandon all those grand plans to run Sproles up the gut at Haloti Ngata. Marmalard, meanwhile, was fined late this week for taunting Raiders defensive tackle Gerard Warren in the second half of their Week 1 game.

WHAT? HUH? WHAT? I BARELY GENERATED ANY OFFENSE AGAINST YOUR TEAM!

Ray-Ray’s spastic dances after jumping on piles or Rivers berating everyone in sight? There may not be enough announcer scorn to go around.

In other late-game action:

Our regularly scheduled Monday night live blogification returns, with us streaming to you live vulgarities and inappropriate jokes to bolster your viewing experience of what will undoubtedly be two massive blowouts between divisional foes. First up, you might have seen it scrawled on Bill Simmons’ masturbation journal that the Dreamboat is back (we can’t confirm Simmons’ report that his dick is even tastier now) and Brady’s bringing cuddles (and even more kids!) with him. This should be a doozy. How ever will a Patriots defense gutted of old useless automatons like Mike Vrabel, Tedy Bruschi, Rodney Harrison (who’s still talking trash about Patriots opponents even though he’s a studio analyst now) and Richard Seymour manage to stifle a supersimplified Bills offensive strategy devised by Alex Van Pelt? Surely they cannot hope to try. Lay down your arms, fellas.

Our latter Mike & Mike narrated lop-sided contest features King Philip the Laserfaced GOING ALL PHILIP RIVERS on the Tom Cable’s band of overweight quarterbacks and savagely beaten coaching staff in Raidervania. Will Tila Tequila follow up on her promise to get all the battered women of the world to show up and protest (only to be raped again by Raiders fans)? Let’s hope so!

[Entire room erupts in peals of laughter]

LaDainian Tomlinson: laughlaughlaughlaughlaughlaughlaughlaughlaughlaughlaughlaugh

Shawne Merriman: Maybe first time video without rape has brought smile to my face. Still need rape though.

Vincent Jackson: I like the part where he lost to a high schooler in a skills competition.

Antonio Cromartie: Seconded

Eric Weddle: Thirded

Merriman: Fourth dead

Kris Dielman: I kind of liked the news anchor banter myself.

Rivera: Now you know we can’t mention this to Phil, because you know how he gets. So we’re just gonna have to destroy this pretend like it never happened. And just hope he didn’t catch this on the local news.

Billy Volek: He said he boycotts all non-church bulletin news services for their obvious anti-abstinence agenda.

Rivera: That’s a relief.

[Door flies open]

Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask someboddddayyyyyyy!

WHAT’S SO GODDAMN FUNNY, GIGGLETITS!? Havin’ a regular ol’ countrytime chucklejerk in here, aren’t we?

Rivera: Uh, just going over some new formations for the coming season.

Rivers: Oh okay. I guess that makes sense.

FOR YOU.

THE DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR.

TO GO OVER FORMATIONS.

WITH MEMBERS OF THE OFFENSE AND DEFENSE IN ATTENDANCE.

WHILE ASKING THE FUCKING STARTING QUARTERBACK NOT TO ATTEND!

I SMELLS A RAT! AND WE GOT US SOME BIG ONES DOWN IN ‘BAMA! SO BIG WE RAISE US ‘EM LIKE KINFOLK AND TEACH ‘EM TO ZONE BLOCK!

Rivera: All right. All right. I’ll be straight with you. We found this video of you getting beaten in a skills competition at one of your camps by a high school QB. And we sharing a laugh over it.

[Rivers stands there, silently seething]

[Face reddens]

[Steam shoots out ears]

[Bites through lower lip]

[Blood squirts from lip and pools on the floor]

Those scrotum twirlers told me the cameras were off! They didn’t include the critical float portion of the competition! WHAT? HUH? WHAT? I LET HIM WIN! What they didn’t tell you is the kid has cancer. He got it from having sex before marriage. BLINDED AGAIN BY MAINSTREAM MEDIA ANTI-ABSTINENCE BIAS!

Tomlinson: consolingphraseconsolingphraseconsolingphraseconsolingphraseconsolingphraseconsolingphrase

Rivers: Don’t you patronize me, LaToeInjury!