This article is filled with so many brutal quotes that it makes one wonder whether they were obtained through wiretaps and phone hacks. But seeing as how it appears in the Daily News rather than the Post, so we have to assume that Mark Sanchez’s teammates hate him enough to actually say these things in to a microphone.

The fun part is trying to figure out who said what…

The most salacious quote comes after the jump.

Odd. I don’t remember seeing that one in the article. But if it’s in the word bubble then it must be true.

This week’s Meast and Least non sequitur is this video of Gary Busey on “Wife Swap,” via my old stomping ground of Warming Glow. You must watch it. Gary Busey doing anything is equal parts terrifying and immensely watchable, but in this case he’s interacting with Ted Haggard’s wife. This is a woman who stayed with her husband after it turned out Ted was using meth and soliciting gay prostitutes, and yet she’s STILL out of her element. NO ONE can keep up with Gary Busey, except maybe Nick Nolte on ketamine armed with a sack of raccoons.

Okay, good times. Let’s talk about the Week 17 Meast and Least, shall we?

There were plenty of meastly performances in on the last day of the regular season. Matts Flynn and Stafford combined for 1000 yards and 11 touchdowns through the air, and Jordy Nelson and Calvin Johnson had correspondingly ridiculous numbers. Ray Rice ran for 191 yards and 2 TDs, Brees had almost 400 yards and five TDs in a little more than three quarters of work; Michael Turner has 172 yards and two scores; Larry Fitzgerald had a monster game against the Seahawks, Victor Cruz continued his non-All Pro, 1300-yard season with six catches for 178 yards and a score, and MJD locked up a rushing title in a year when the Jaguars had no passing game whatsoever.

Bravo to all, but our Sean Taylor Memorial Meast of the Week is Jared Allen.

Allen registered 3.5 sacks against the Bears to give him 22 for a season, half a sack behind Michael Strahan’s NFL record of 22.5. That means Allen now holds the season record for sacks without stats being padded by Brett Favre rolling into the fetal position being a bitch. Normally we don’t give the Meast to a player whose team lost, but our Favre hatred runs deep. Congrats, Jared. May you enjoy a long offseason of dipping Copenhagen and bow-hunting exotic game.

We had no shortage of Least candidates, as well. The Rams’ general incompetence should be noted, as their season-long, team-wide shittiness included an uncontested touchdown pass by the opposing kicker and an interception on a third down halfback toss that led to a short field and a touchdown for the Niners (the Rams lost by seven). Terrence Newman deserves a nod for the Cowboys’ loss, and Tim Tebow sucked bronco cock while putting up a 20.6 QB rating and leading his team to points in a loss at home with the division title on the line. And yet he still goes to the playoffs. Fuck this world.

But there can be only one Least:

Congratulations, Mark Sanchez! Your exquisitely shitty play was the capstone of the Jets’ implosion! Even the most mildly competent quarterback — say, Matt Moore — would have taken the Jets to the postseason. Well done, sir. We salute you.

This handsome confection comes to us via Kendall’s Cakes.

One of the more head-scratching plays on Sunday was Mark Sanchez diving at the knees of lead blocker Jonathan Vilma on Darren Sharper’s 99-yard pick-six. Sanchez was the last Jet with a shot of making a tackle, so it’s unclear what exactly Sanchez had in mind besides destroying the knee ligaments of a franchise linebacker.

So congrats to Mark for living up to his Dirty Sanchez nickname. Let’s agree to call this move “the chimichanga.”

UPDATE: That’s a $5000 chimichanga. Spicy!

(thanks, freek!)

Look at them sideburns! He looks like a girl. Now, Jason Campbell — there’s a haircut you could set your watch to.

Int. Il Mulino’s Washinton DC location

Hostess: Hello, welcome to Il Mulino New York. How can I help you this evening?

Mark Sanchez: I’m supposed to be meeting some people from the Washington Redskins for dinner. Do you know if they’ve arrived yet?

Hostess: Yes Mr. Sanchez, I was told to expect you. Mr. Snyder and his guests arrived a few minutes ago, they’re waiting out on the patio.

Sanchez: Thank you.

[Sanchez approaches a table occupied by Dan Snyder, Vinny "Sarge" Cerrato, and Jim Zorn]

Zorn: Oh look, the golden boy is here! Can we order those drinks now?

[Cerrato stands up from the table and feels Sanchez's facial features with his hands]

Cerrato: He’s real.

[Everyone looks at Cerrato as an uncomfortable silence falls over the table]

Snyder: Mark, I can’t tell you what a pleasure it is to have you join us here tonight. Maybe after we draft you we could make this a regular date.

Sanchez: That sounds…cool.

[A waitress approaches]

Waitress: So it looks like everyone has arrived, can I interest you gentlemen in some drinks before dinner?

Zorn: Beer.

Cerrato: Shirley Temple, extra red stuff.

Snyder: I’ll have a glass of the most exclusive Barolo from your private cellar.

Waitress: Oh I’m sorry, but the wines from our private cellar are only available by the bottle.

Snyder: Very well, bring me a glass of the Barolo Riserva and I’ll happily pay for the whole bottle.

Sanchez: I’d love a rum and coke with extra limes

Zorn: [under his breath] Pretty boy.

Snyder: What an intriguing drink order, Mark. It sounds very exotic. My interest is piqued, perhaps I should order one of those as well.

Sanchez: Well you could always try a sip of mine, sir.

Snyder: Aren’t you sweet!

Zorn: [under his breath] Kiss ass.

Snyder: I just want to tell you how glad we are that you chose to pay us a visit just week from the draft. As you may have heard we’ve had our eyes on you for quite some time.

Sanchez: Yes, I’ve noticed. And I must say it is all quite humbling.

Snyder: You can cut that out right now. We aren’t [makes air quotes] “smitten” with you because of your humility. We already have a humble quarterback, and that guy’s getting more humble by the day. What we like about you is your star power.

Sanchez: That’s funny, I’ve never really thought of myself that way before.

Snyder: Well son, it’s time to start. Because we’re going to do whatever it takes to draft you even if it comes at the expense of the rest of the roster. You see, Dallas has Romo and from what Jerry Jones tells me he’s a goddamn star. So I figure that the only way to compete with that is to find our own Romo, and wouldn’t you know, there’s a photogenic Mexican-American quarterback sitting there just begging to be plucked.

[The waitress sets down everyone's drinks]

Snyder: Hey, thanks doll. Now tell me, doesn’t this young man here have the face of a star?

Waitress: Eh, he’s okay I guess. Put him in a Vineyard Vines polo, some plaid shorts, and a pair of good boat shoes and I’d probably give him anal.

Sanchez: Uh…thank you?

[An obese and apparently drunk Redskins fan stumbles towards the table]

Fan: HEY COOCH, WHAT’RE YA DOIN HERE WITH THAT QUARTEEBACK FROM USC? WE’VE ALREADY GOT A QUARTEEBACK COOCH, YA GOTTA GIVE COOOLT A SHOT. HE’S A CORE REDSKIN!

Zorn: Did he just call me a cooch?

Snyder: What do you gentlemen say we move this party back to the dining room?

Cerrato: Right behind you as always, Mr. Snyder.

Snyder: Okay Vinny, but you can leave the crayons and kid’s menu here.

Cerrato: But I haven’t finished the maze yet!

Snyder: Fine, bring it with you if you must.

Cerrato: It’s a tough one, Mr. Snyder. I may have to take it home tonight for some extra study time.

Snyder: Very good, Vinny.

[The group is seated at a private table near the back of the restaurant]

Snyder: Yes, this is much better, no distractions here. Except of course for the menu.

Sanchez: The caprese salad does sound delicious.

Zorn: [audibly] What a bitch.

[Silence]

Zorn: Oh god, did I say that out loud?

Snyder: I think you’d better explain yourself. Right now.

Zorn: I’m sorry Mark, I didn’t mean anything by it. I’m in a tough position here because as the coach of the Redskins I already have a quarterback that I’m happy with. Jason may not have your star power or whatever else it is that Mr. Snyder sees in you, but with him I know what I’m getting and I truly believe we can progress as a team with him running my offense. Now I’m sure that you’re going to make a fine quarterback no matter where you play in the NFL, but I just don’t think you’re the right fit for our team at this point in time. Unfortunately I allowed my emotions to get the better of me and I apologize for what I said. If Mr. Snyder is able to obtain your services through the draft I will look forward to working with you to make this Redskins team the best it can be.

Snyder: Jim, you’re fired.

Zorn: What?

Snyder: Congratulations Vinny, I’m promoting you to head coach.

Cerrato: [chokes on an ice cube]

Zorn: This is ridiculous.

Snyder: Stop struggling Vinny, the heat of your throat will melt that cube in no time.

Sanchez: I think I’ll have the veal.

Snyder: God I love you so fucking much. Hey, who wants to have a sleepover?

Vinny: [Swallows more ice]