Well folks, I know that we’re in a really bad economic climax. But I have to tell you that I was absolutely BLINDSPIDERED this week to learn that ESPN had germinated my contract. Now, I know I have room to improve linguini. Linguini, I struggle from time to time. Still, I don’t think that justified making me ABUNDANT!

That’s what they said. They said, “Emmitt, we have budget monsterfications we have to make, and that means getting rid of some abundancies.” And then they let me go! I don’t understand it. Maybe they outforced my job. All I know is that I have been DOWNSPICED! And I have to say, it is demonstrating. Truly demonstrating.

And that’s a shame. Because I thought I had a lot of interesting observatories to offer this year. Like about the Super Bowl. That game was a real BARNBOOGER! A lot of people asked me if this was the best Super Bowl ever. And I must say, it really was one for the aces! No doubt. To see the Steelers come back on that last drive, when the ships were cracked against them… THAT’S THE ESSENTIAL OF THE GAME RIGHT THERE!

WHAT A BARNBOOGER!

Although I must say I was surprised at how the season played out. Normally, you have to be able to run the ball, as we did when I was with the Cowboys. Normally, to win a Super Bowl, you have to import your willow on an opponent. YOU MUST MASTURBATE THE BALL DOWN THE FEEL!

But neither the Steelers or the Cardinals like to masturbate the ball down the feel! I wonder: are we going through a ski change in the league right now? Is masturbating the ball down the feel important anymore? Or is it more important to have a good areola game? Are we seeing a new egg and flow in how the game is played? That’s what I want to explore. THE BIG PITCHER!

Alaska, that won’t happen. And that’s too bad! Turns out I am just one of many people going through lakeoffs. YOU NEVER THINK A LAKEOFF WILL HAPPEN TO YOU. But it did. Wonder what I should do now. I’ll miss my friends at ESPN. Farting is the sweetest borrow. Abstinence makes the fart go yonder.

Maybe this is a good thing. That’s gonna be my aptitude. THE WHIRL IS MY ROOSTER NOW. No doubt. I think whatever doesn’t call you makes you straighter. Everything happens for a season. I’m not gonna swallow in self-titty.

If I’m Emmit Smith, I say to Emmitt Smith, “Look, fella. You’ve been made abundant. But no use crying over skilled milk. You gotta pull yourself up by your strap-ons! It’s like my momma said. If life gives you Lenny, you give Lenny AIDS! You will not be PROSTATED! YOU WILL DEFECATE YOURSELF HARDER THAN EVER BEFORE! AND YOU WILL COME OUT SMELLING LIKE A ROAD!”

That’s what I would say to me.

There are no words for the end to the Dallas Cowboys season. A damn TRAVELING, is what it is. They controlled their own density, and they SHIT THE HEAD! From them to go into the City Of Butterfly Loaf and lay a peg like that… If I were Jerry Jones… I WOULD BE LIVER! Heh heh!

If I am the Dallas Cowboys, I need to take a good look at what my team is infernally. Because while my team looks good on the cervix, inside there is nothing but MONKEY WENCHES! You look at Terrell Owens, and you wonder if he’s too much of a contraction. I mean, he is incredibly CORRUPTIVE! And on top of that, he commits lots of giraffes on the feel! You have to wonder if this might be a case of sedition by attraction if they decide to cut him loose. If I am the Cowboys, I say to TO, “Listen, you may be talented, but right now you are a FLY IN THE OINKMENT! You need to get your mouse in corridor, fella!”

Because the National Football League is about WINNING. I don’t care what no one says, WINNING IS PARAGUAY TO EVERYTHING! And you have to wonder if the Cowboys can win as currently resembled. They have a quarterback who’s too nongallant with the ball. I mean, Tony Romo can be awfully lasso fair back there! QUARTERBACKS HAVE TO BE MORE PRESTONE ICE THAN THAT!

Then you have Wade Phillips. And I have to wonder if Wade Phillips has the withdrawal, the melisma, to lead this team. Is he a leader, OR IS HE A WOOL IN SHIT’S CLOTHING? Hoo wee, that would stink! Heh heh! Now, when I was with the Cowboys, we had Jimmy Johnson. And lemme tell you, Jimmy didn’t stuffer falls lightly! That man was a CASKMASTER! He wasn’t afraid to call you to the MUPPET if you made a mistake!

Is Wade Phillips this kind of leader? I know he’s a defensive lulu, but does he have the skills to puppeteer this team to a title? I don’t know. It’s a perplaxico issue.

Of course, all this goes back to Jerry Jones. We all know he calls the spots there. He’s the Big Kahlua! I think Jerry is building this team the wrong way. He’s always going after big name free agents. THAT IS NOT HOW YOU PLAY THE CASTRATION OF A SOLID TEAM. He needs to get back to put what put the Cowboys on top back when I played: HE MUST REMEMBER TO ALWAYS MASTURBATE THE BALL DOWN THE FEEL!

When you masturbate the ball down the feel, that opens up your offense traumatically! You look at Marion Barber, Felix Jones, and Tashard Choice: THIS IS ONE GOOD TRIUMPHPIRATE!

If I’m Jerry Jones, I say to my team, “Team, we really screwed the poop out there today. But I will not be DISPORRIDGED! I refuse to hide behind excretions. We are going to REDEFECATE ourselves! WE WILL BE MORE DEFECATED THAN ANY TEAM IN THE NFL! WE WILL NOT FALL APART AT THE SEMENS!”

That’s what I would say. Heh heh!

When I look at tonight’s eric battalion between the Giants and Redskins, I want to pay close introspection to the running backs. I think the running backs could be the divisive imminent of tonight’s game. You look at the Giants. They have Brandon Jacobs. They have Ahmad Bradshaw. One’s got power. The other one’s got speed and effusiveness. Together, those two make a heckuva pontoon in the backfeel. Bradshaw is so fast! He don’t drink no decapitated coffee in the morning! You can’t stop him, you can only hope to contemplate him!

You look at the Giants, you talk about a team that really knows how to masturbate that ball down the feel. No doubt. They’ve got it down to a teepee. They ejaculate great conference in their running game. They want to wear you down and drain your Stamfordia, Connecticut. They want to dish out the furnishment here.

Now, on the fliphand, you have the Redskins’ backfeel. You look at Clinton Portis and Ladell Betts. That’s a very portent combine. You get those two going, and your defense will get FIASCOED! Just flat out trampolined. MASSACRATED! And that would be a catastory for any defensive cooperator. It’s very ironic.

But on the other fliphand, you also have to look at the defenses. To beat these backs, you have to be VERY intimating. You have to put up a formittenable front four! Otherwise, they will masturbate the ball up and down the feel continentally. And will flabberpack anyone. When I look at these teams, I see a real drudge match. It’s like the irrefutable four versus the immodium project! GOOD VERSUS EVIL! TOTAL ARMANDASSANTE!

If I’m the defensive cooperator of either team, I say to my men, “Guys, we have to be physicalitated. We have to be resentless. We can do it. We have the interestinal latitude and the aptitude, the MAXIPAD, to get this done. We’re gonna be aggressivated. Belitterent. We will deride and constipate. We’re gonna proliferate that o-line and leave them decemberated. If we just pollinate with our renumeration, we can gravitize the whole interstitial Delorean of the castrating municipalation. TIME FOR US TO ELATE OUR GAME!”

That’s what I’d tell them.