Apologies, apologies, a thousand apologies, dear mailbag readers. This new SB Nation video thing consumes a LOT of my time, and when my allotted hours for writing the mailbag coincide with no internet connectivity, the mailbag doesn’t go up in time. You may issue your scorn in the comments.
But let’s get on with this delayed mailbag. It’s a biggun, checking in at over 5000 words — although to be fair, most of those come from one long-winded female reader. Read on!
Today’s mailbag is a somewhat shorter edition, and there’s not much I can do about that if I don’t get many submissions. This is YOUR fault, people! Help me help you, etc.
Anyhoo, today we’ve got non-problems, some awful woman marrying a closeted guy, broken condoms, wanking, and a bare minimum of fantasy football discussion. There’s not much I can do about that. It’s February.
For those of you who follow me on Twitter, you know that I spent Valentine’s Day this year at the Westminster Dog Show. My fiancee wasn’t thrilled with me working 13 hours that day, but it was all worth it to finalize my roster of which dogs should play football. If you’re at all interested in another video from the dog show, stay tuned to my Twitter or subscribe to SB Nation’s YouTube channel — I’ve got a better, longer one forthcoming.
Okay, that’s all the whoring for today. Let’s get to the mailbag.
I have a new goal in life: get it on in this horizontal shower (thanks to Drew for sharing the link). All the hot water action of shower sex without the gymnastics or single-nozzle issues. Sign me up.
As for this week’s mailbag, some of the subjects are: Peyton Manning, transitioning to a keeper league, meeting girls in your teens, casual sex in your 20s, the amygdala, and an email so eminently douchey that I suspect it was written by Tom Brady: Troll Genius. Read on for more.
It’s February! Almost time for the Super Bowl! YAY! Valentine’s Day is around the corner! BOOOO!
This year for Valentine’s Day, I’m putting in crazy-long hours at the Westminster Dog Show on the 13th and 14th, so I can’t possibly take my fiancee out to dinner in a packed restaurant of two-tops populated with overdressed people who don’t put enough energy into their relationships the other 364 days of the year. SHUCKS. Sorry, honey. I owe you one (1) romantic evening of takeout and “The Wire.”
Let’s get to your questions.
Hi folks. I’m sick as hell this week, so the answers will be a bit more abrupt than usual. Doesn’t mean I don’t like you, it’s just a side effect of not being able to breathe through my nose, all of my muscles hurting, and my head feeling like it weighs 30 pounds. Let’s just guzzle some more Emergen-C and power through this.
It’s January 19th, and as your internet-dwelling life coach, I’m inclined to remind those of you in a relationship that there is less than one month until Valentines Day. Now, you and I and everyone else knows that Valentines Day is a load of crap, but that doesn’t give any of us a free pass. You still have to do something romantic or buy her a gift or some shit because OTHER women are being treated to dinner and chocolates and jewelry. That’s the crux of Valentines Day, really. It’s not about a woman having a healthy, happy relationship — it’s about showing those other bitches how fantastic her love life is.
That’s why I recommend sending flowers to your lady’s place of employment. Everybody ends up happy: she gets flowers (BITCHES LOVE FLOWERS), I don’t have to show up wearing a tie anywhere, and all her co-workers get jealous and wish they had thoughtful men in their lives. Well, I guess not everybody ends up happy. But close enough.
Let’s get to your emails.
Whew. Big mailbag today. There’s not much going on in the world of fantasy football, but we’ve got plenty to discuss when it comes to sex and love: drunken sex with a crazy girl, online dating, online dating that leads to drunken sex with a crazy girl, more drunken sex, and, uh… dealing with future in-laws? I guess that last one doesn’t quite fit the theme. Sorry.
Well folks, with the playoffs kicking off this weekend and almost no fantasy action to be had, we’ve lifted the usual restraints and allowed several sex-only questions this week, which is what most of you depraved jackals want anyway. We’ll keep the restrictions loose over the next couple of months and switch back to equal parts sex and FF as the NFL Draft gets closer. Cool? Cool. Let’s get to your questions.
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For once, I’m opening the mailbag with a fantasy football topic. Commenter Upstate Underdog emailed with a terrifying prospect for Aaron Rodgers owners:
Do I start Rodgers this week? I’m sure I’m not the only person pulling their hair out over this. Do I start Fitzpatrick or roll the dice and hope SF beats Seattle therefore forcing Rodgers to play. If the Niners lose there’s a good chance Rodgers sits or only plays one or two quarters since GB will have secured the #1 seed. I hate fantasy football and really wish the SF/Seattle game was being played on Thursday night.
As a Seahawks fan who needs big games from both Rodgers and Marshawn Lynch to have any hope in the fantasy championship, all I have to say is, “GUHHHHHHHHHHHH.” I don’t even have a backup quarterback on my team any more. I am 100% screwed. If the world works the way it always does, the Seahawks will win this week, prompting Rodgers to play half a game so I lose the fantasy championship (one year after his Week 14 concussion knocked me out of the playoffs. What a jerk!). I’ll console myself by telling myself that at least the Seahawks can make the playoffs, then they’ll lose in Week 17. Heartbreak always goes to 11.
Let’s get to our questions:
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