I have a new goal in life: get it on in this horizontal shower (thanks to Drew for sharing the link). All the hot water action of shower sex without the gymnastics or single-nozzle issues. Sign me up.

As for this week’s mailbag, some of the subjects are: Peyton Manning, transitioning to a keeper league, meeting girls in your teens, casual sex in your 20s, the amygdala, and an email so eminently douchey that I suspect it was written by Tom Brady: Troll Genius. Read on for more.

Hey Caveman,
With fantasy football (and unfortunately now real football) on ice–can you opine for a bit on Peyton Manning’s future? I know you probably don’t like to talk about what every other puppet is yapping about, but as a Dolphins fan, I’m really praying we start next season with something resembling a professional quarterback. I have no idea the medical odds of Manning ever playing again, let alone us getting him, but I need something to cling to. Surely you know what that’s like.

Manning’s done in Indy. This isn’t some huge revelation, as the Colts owe Manning a $28 million option next month, which is about three to six months before anyone will know if the nerves in his throwing arm will regenerate to the point where he can throw again.

So what’s gonna happen? Welcome to the subject of every “Around the Horn” and “PTI” for the next six months. There are, what? Ten, maybe 12 reliably good quarterbacks in the NFL? At any given moment, two-thirds of NFL teams would benefit from one of the best quarterbacks in history. “IF” — I can already hear Mike Wilbon interjecting — “if he gets healthy, Tony.” So yeah. Get used to hearing uninformed speculation.

The Dolphins are a chic prediction right now, and Redskins fans are already clamoring for him, although if I were Manning I’d want to play for a team that had decent receivers. Drew’s certain that he’s headed to the Jets, and it would certainly be an interesting story line to have both Mannings playing in the Meadowlands. Hell, I’d be cool with ol’ Fetushead playing for Seattle, but it’ll never happen because my team is dogshit.

(I wrote all this last night, and today SB Nation has an article about this very subject. Enjoy.)

Secondly, just got out of a couple month thing, never got too serious so everyone’s OK. I’m patient, willing to wait until I meet someone I like, so I’m in no rush. That said, I’d still like some occasional company, where no one’s got expectations and it can either be friendly and flirty but no more, or a “let’s get drunk and see what happens” thing. In college, I had a few friends who fit the bill–everyone does, the person you booty call even though you haven’t seen them in months. But since leaving school, I find myself trying to be more “adult”, and one of the things that seems to mean to me is not booty calling someone you dated in the past. Thus, I have my exes, and my friends, but I don’t hook up with my exes because I think that’s childish to even try for some reason, and I don’t hook up with my friends because, well, we’re not interested in each other. Is that just part of growing up, or am I deluding myself and everyone in their late 20′s still does the same shit they did in college? Is there anyway to get the random hookup without having to hit on drunk girls at a shitty bar?
-Not Into Craigslist Either

To answer your question, I looked back on my late 20s, and I seem to remember having sex at reasonable intervals even though I wasn’t out at bars trying to pick girls up. In fact, going out to the bars with the specific intention of trying to pick up girls NEVER worked, regardless of my age. Part of that is because I don’t really like talking to strangers, but the bigger reason is that I was out TRYING to pick up girls. Women know when that’s why you’re out, and it turns them off. They can smell your desperation. I think back to the handful of occasions since college when I picked up a girl at a bar, and every time I was just having a fun night with friends and not trying to get laid. Catch-22, man.

ANYWAY, your late 20s: just meet people and date casually. I never called up an ex-girlfriend for sex because (a) they were usually living with their new boyfriend a few months after our breakup and (b) I should really have a second reason here. Nevertheless, I feel that by your late 20s, you should have an infrastructure in place to get laid if you want to. Maybe it’s an old high school crush you reconnected with over Facebook who’s in town for the weekend, maybe it’s a cute friend of a mutual friend you met at a party last week, maybe it’s someone you went out with two months ago but didn’t follow up with. These are the seeds of getting laid, and you water them not with a late-night booty call, but with a friendly text/email/phone call with sufficient lead time that tells them you’d like to spend some time with them over dinner. Then you split a bottle of wine and have her sit on your face. Who says romance is dead?

**********

Passionate Shoguns of the Hershey Highway,
I wrote in to the mailbag once before about an unattractive girl who wanted to fuck me, but whom I didn’t like. You gave me good advice (which I tried to take, but failed), so I thought I’d ask another.

I recall this one. While I was supportive of getting that first sexual encounter out of the way, I was lukewarm about you diving into bed with someone who repulsed you. If I recall correctly, the commenters disagreed and said you should just punch that V-card, bro.

So I told the girl no back then, and eventually ended up not speaking to her for about 3 months. One night three weeks ago, after a night of drinking and smoking with my buddies, she calls me out of the blue. She asks me to come over, so I do. One thing led to another, and I end up fucking her. Even though I didn’t finish, it still counts, right? Can I proudly proclaim I’m no longer a virgin? Someone once told me if you don’t finish, it doesn’t count.

That person probably has a subscription to Maxim.

Is that an accepted law, or just some bullshit? Would your opinion change if I told you I didn’t use a condom? I know these are probably some stupid questions, but I figured I’d ask anyway.

You are no longer a virgin. Penis into vagina = sex. Although you did miss out on the best part, probably because of the weed and booze and not being attracted to the person you were having sex with. Also, because I can never say this enough: USE A CONDOM, IDIOT.

Fast-forward to now. She says I was great apparently (and improbably. She must have had a run of incredibly shitty partners) and wants to make casual sex between us a regular thing. She wants it so much in fact, that she’s willing to let me name the terms of the agreement in full. While I’m not attracted to her, I could probably make use of more experience, and any pussy is better than a sock, right?

I used to think that was true until I had the worst sex of my life (back in my late 20s, of course). She just laid there like a corpse, or someone roofied by a lacrosse player. My hand is a much more considerate and caring lover.

It may be silly, but I kinda feel like I owe it to all men to see this through. I mean, how often does any girl agree to be your fuck buddy on your terms? Of course, it will involve me getting liquored up each time since I don’t find her attractive, but I could manage. The bad news is that I know for a fact she likes me and wanted (probably still wants) me to be her boyfriend, an idea that I’ve shot down repeatedly but she still seems hangs on to, and having sex with her regularly probably isn’t going to dissuade her. It may make her like me more, which in turn will make her (more) clingy and possessive. Do you think should I do it?

If you think I should, I would love to hear and conditions you (and/or the kommentariat) think I should put in place.

Thanks again,
Robert B, a new man

Over the last couple years of writing this mailbag, I’ve seen a recurring opinion in the comments section where someone says, “If you took the time to just read what you wrote, you’d know the right answer.” And I feel that’s the case here. The intelligent, considerate part of you recognizes that this girl likes you so much and has so little self-esteem that she’ll give you no-strings sex on the minuscule chance that it tricks you into being her boyfriend. You recognize that this is a horrible idea, but your balls are like, “AWWWW YEAAAAAAAAAAHHHH PUSSY!”

It’s incredibly difficult to make sensible decisions when you’re a young man. Your body is awash with hormones, and much of what you do is driven by what’s called your “lizard brain.” On Wikipedia — and, I presume, in credible medical journals — this part of your brain is called the amygdala. No need to click on that link and do any reading: all you need to know is that it’s a primitive nerve center that is hungry, scared, selfish, and horny. It really only cares about eating and fucking — not necessarily in that order.

And the lizard brain never goes away. My body isn’t as riddled with testosterone as it was when I hit puberty at age 23, but the horrible, primal urges are still there. I’m madly in love with and wholly devoted to my fiancee, but I still imagine doing filthy things with strangers because my lizard brain wants me to spread my seed around.

Long story short: getting laid is great, but getting laid from someone you like is a lot better. If this unattractive girl is so smitten with you, then there’s probably someone else — someone you’re actually attracted to — who’s also willing to get naked with you.

**********

Cap’n,
Fantasy: Any advice on convincing a league to go to a keeper system? My league has been going for about 5 years now, with a relatively stable group of members. Plenty of shit-talking, back room deals, and 40 response long email chains about how whether someone’s trade was illegal or just immoral – in short, exactly what a league should be. So why change a good thing? Keepers to me seem like a good added piece of strategy, plus something to keep up a bit of interaction in the off-season, since the members are spread across the country. Your thoughts?

Keeper leagues, like any crippling addiction, have to be introduced to users gradually. First of all, you have to introduce it a year out — you can’t just be like, “Okay, let’s do a keeper league and you get to keep two guys you drafted last year.” You have to be like, “Okay, in 2013 you get to keep one guy from Rounds 2 through 8, and one guy from Rounds 9 through 15.” I especially like that format for introducing a league to keepers for a couple reasons:

1. Because one keeper comes from the later rounds of the draft, people stay more engaged throughout the entirety of the draft than they otherwise would be.
2. By eliminating first-round draft picks (which don’t change too dramatically from year to year) from keeper contention, the first round of the draft still has the same amount of drama as non-keeper leagues.
3. Two keepers won’t completely shake things up. If people drag their feet, you can say, “Hey, let’s try it for a year, and if we don’t like it we’ll scrap it.” They’ll like it. Oh, they’ll like it real good.

Sex: I got out of a long-term thing back in August, and have been using the time since then taking your advice about bettering myself. I have lost some weight, met a bunch of new people, gotten my first real, adult job, and have all-around been just working on becoming a better person. One of those people I have met in the last few weeks is a woman who I am interested in. We have been getting to know each other at social events, spending a lot of time in groups of friends, but not getting a chance to hang out one on one yet. I was hoping to change that last night. We met up at one of our regular bars, (unfortunately) ran in to some friends of ours that happened to be there, and proceeded to be in yet another group for the remainder of the night.

When I was in the Marines, dickhead officers would always break out this alliterative tsk-tsk: “Piss-poor planning prevents proper performance.” Which is to say: maybe if you’d taken her to dinner or a movie instead of meeting at the same bar where you always hang out with your mutual friends, you wouldn’t have run into your mutual friends.

However, as part of that group setting, she and I talked for most of the night. I’d like to think I was charming, debonair, some other good adjective. Things seemed to be going well. At the end of the night I was planning on walking her back to her car and seeing if we could arrange more of a formal date. However, before we left the bar, she got a call from her step-mom. Her dad just died.

Drag.

Although she said they weren’t particularly close, that obviously ended the night. One of her friends came and picked her up at the bar and she left completely distraught. Obviously I am less concerned about whatever was between us than I am about her emotional well being at this point, but what is the point of anonymous internet advice if not to ask questions that may make us seem like assholes? What do I do in this situation to be there if she needs me, but not turn in to the friend that was there for her when her father died, who has no chance of being more than that?
Thanks,
Witty Nickname

I think you’re worrying about something that isn’t really a problem. You ever seen High Fidelity? It’s one of my favorite movies of all time, because it deftly shows the development of “young guy acting like a jackass” to “man who commits to a woman he loves.” It also has Jack Black before Jack Black acting like Jack Black was annoying. But I’m getting sidetracked. More immediately relevant to you is that Laura’s dad dies, and she decides to have sex with Rob because “I want to feel something else than this. It’s either that, or I go home and put my hand in the fire. Unless you want to stub cigarettes out on my arm.” And they go with sex, because Rob only has a few cigarettes left, and he’s saving them for later.

Of course, things don’t always work out like they do in the movies, so don’t expect to get laid in the car after the funeral. But this girl is either interested in you, or she isn’t. She’s not going to go from “I like that guy” to “I only like him as a friend because my dad died.” Women can be crazy, but I don’t think their feelings swing quite like that.

**********

Dear internet senseis,
Footbawl- Fuck normal fantasy football at this point. I won my first league thanks to the Randy Moss 23TD show and Kurt Warner reminding everyone he is good at football, but since then I have been competitive in most leagues, but I just has lost the passion.

Reminder: please read your emails before clicking “send.”

As a way to counter this, me and a couple of my friends

“a couple of my friends and I”

want to create a Fantasy League of Suck, so we can be rewarded for inept football. The question is I guess, does any of the normal websites have a way to edit their scoring so it’s a reverse scoring system almost? Or will we have to suck it up and actually make the program and then use some website to host it. Also is it safe to assume that Blaine Gabbert is the early #1 pick?

Why don’t you just keep everything the same, and the winner of the league is whoever has the worst record?

Sex… Ok lack there of: My teenage years have been one steaming pile of shit after the other, culminating in having to go to a residential program for a year to stop me from being crazy. Now, teenage girls clearly didn’t help me gain my sanity back, so I don’t have the best experience. But im all better now (with doctors notes and meds to boot!) and have actually gotten into a few decent colleges to go to in the fall so I realize I am the shit. However I graduated high school while in treatment and I never went to school where I live now, so I really don’t have many friends, and of those, less are wimmins.

Probably a good thing. That way you’re not known as “the guy who went crazy.”

Now I realize I am not going to find true love or some sappy shit like that before college, but I want to at least be able to have a conversation with a woman and not act like a level 7 dumbass in front of her. Any idea on how to meet wimins in a smallish town that are going to be close to my age (18) and not derps. I am open to any advice that you (and those asshat commenters you have, LOOKING AT YOU SMOC AND FEK) have on how to gain some sort of experience on how to meet and deal with females, so I don’t become that one guy who makes every conversation awkward.
Thanks,
Iodine, KSK Poll addict

I’ve tried to purge most of my memories of life before I went to college, but I DO remember meeting girls who didn’t go to my high school when I was a teenager. I had two methods for this: (1) I got a job, and (2) I went to concerts with an outgoing friend. Both of those things are worthwhile endeavors even if you DON’T meet girls, unless the concert you go to is Live’s Throwing Copper tour.

**********

Dear KSK,
Fantasy– My main league does a live snake draft every year, which has been great, but we try to tweak the league a little bit each year to add some flair. This year I’m considering switching to a live auction– have you ever done a live auction before?

No.

I’ve done several online ones, but I’m a little concerned that doing it live could be a disaster, since a) copious amounts of alcohol are always consumed on draft night and b) we won’t have yahoo’s trusty server keeping track of everything for us. Any experience with a live auction and/or any tips on how to keep everything organized and running smoothly?

Why not do a live draft online? Everybody brings a laptop or iPad to someplace with wi-fi (preferably someone’s home, because you are gonna look like DORKS in public), and then you combine the camaraderie of doing it live with the ease of being online?

Sex– Yup, it’s a Valentine’s Day question. I fucking hate Valentine’s Day. I’ve been dating a girl for about a month and a half and everything’s great so far, but I’m concerned about the Valentine’s Day protocol. We aren’t too serious yet– at this point we talk if not every day then close to it and see each other 2-3 times per week. I’m thinking just order a relatively basic flower arrangement and send it to her apartment. Not too grand a gesture, yet good and simple enough to let her know I like where we’re at. Sound good? Any other advice for this most ridiculous of holidays?
Much obliged,
MC

That sounds very nice. I suggest making her dinner, too. Doesn’t have to be anything too over the top fancy or romantic — the gesture alone should be enough to flatter her without setting the bar too high should you still be dating her next year.

**********

Dear Libido Liaisons,
Football: I’m in a pretty serious auction draft league with a $200 budget. I can keep 2 keepers. One no-brainer is to keep my $1 free agent pickup Cam Newton, the other is the question… The options are: Demarious Thomas for $1, DeMarco Murray for $1, Jordy Nelson for $1, Jamaal Charles for $56, or the one I’m leaning towards, Jimmy Graham for $1. Obviously Charles is coming off ACL surgery and has a high price-tag, so there’s 2 red-flags, DeMarco showed flashes of being great, but murdered his ankle, Jordy Nelson had a great year, but who the fuck knows with WR’s year to year, and Jimmy Graham was awesome — but he’s a TE. I guess I can eliminate Demarious Thomas, cuz ya know, he has Dickface throwing him the ball. What the fuck do I do?

Jimmy Graham. I shouldn’t need to spell this out, but when you have a guy who puts up receiver numbers at the tight end position, you have a distinct advantage over almost everyone else in the league. Over the last few years, only Antonio Gates, Dallas Clark, and Jason Witten put up reliably solid numbers from that position, and each had his shortcomings (Gates has his foot injury, Clark is worthless without Manning, Witten faded with a better WR corps). This year, it became apparent that Rob Gronkowski and Jimmy Graham were light years better than anyone else at their position, and fuck me for not snagging one of these guys in a keeper league.

Sex: I am 26, but I look (and act) young. My girlfriend is 20. We’ve been dating since July. We have an awesome relationship (retarded right?). She’s not completely stupid like most 20 year olds, and all her friends love me. She loves anal, watching porn with me, shower sex, random blowies, road head, blowing it in her face, oiled-up massage sex, sex in bathrooms at parties, I DP her with her vibrator, spanking, dirty talk, sex at sporting events, Christ, we even snuck into an alley on her birthday and we fucked — ROMANCE! — shrimp soup, shrimp sandwich, coconut shrimp, you get the idea…

I actually got the idea after the first three or four explicit descriptions of depraved sex acts. Everything else made it sound like your girlfriend loves anal because your penis is so tiny.

So yeah, sex life is phenomenal. She “lets” me go on weekends with “the guys” and doesn’t complain, (I’ll try and stop using quotes, I swear) watch football all day, get drunk, I’ve even taught her the intricacies of gambling on sports. She asked me to “put $20 down on a 3-bet tease where the Pats win” — Yes, I’m a Patriots fan, but not an asshole –

Oh, I’m sure.

Like, whose girlfriend embraces their gambling? Like I said, all this shit is great, but honestly, I’m out of shit to do. We go to dinner (I always pay), we have lots of sex, I get her off multiple times, cuz she fucking deserves it, but I honestly don’t know how to keep this girl entertained without my penis inside her.

/rubs temples

/heavy sigh

Well, the comments section should be lively after this. You are either a master douchebag or an expert troll.

She’s said recently that we “don’t do anything” (fuck, sorry). We’re lame and watch our Netflix TV shows and Hulu and all that shit, but I can’t take this girl to any bars or clubs or anything of the like, because she’s not 21 yet. What in the fuck does a 26 year old guy do with his 20 year old girlfriend? We live in Boston (fuck me, right?) and there’s gotta be shit for a 20 year old to do right? RIGHT?? I’m out of ideas, how do I entertain this girl with shit that I might possibly want to do too?

-Lucky Asshole

p.s. I’m not fucking rich.

Get her a donkey. Seems like she might be up for it.

Seriously, though, Boston gets a bad rap because its sports fans are such notorious assholes, but the city itself is fantastic. I was going to write up a list of all the cool things you can do in Boston — I was there in October and went for a great bike ride on the Charles — but then you had to go and send this follow-up email:

I might have to go to an aquarium on Saturday if you don’t help me out — please god, no aquarium…

And that’s when it became clear that you DON’T want ideas for things to do in Boston. You wanted to brag about all the filthy sex you have with your girlfriend, and then complain that you can’t take her to bars because she’s 20. So fuck you. Aquariums are awesome.

It’s February! Almost time for the Super Bowl! YAY! Valentine’s Day is around the corner! BOOOO!

This year for Valentine’s Day, I’m putting in crazy-long hours at the Westminster Dog Show on the 13th and 14th, so I can’t possibly take my fiancee out to dinner in a packed restaurant of two-tops populated with overdressed people who don’t put enough energy into their relationships the other 364 days of the year. SHUCKS. Sorry, honey. I owe you one (1) romantic evening of takeout and “The Wire.”

Let’s get to your questions.

Dear Purveyors of Poonage,
I just got out of a 3 year relationship a month ago. I was the one who ended it, and I had already begun the Captain’s recommended program for getting over and out of a relationship. So, on that front, I’m doing great. Now, during my time leading up to the breakup, I met a really nice, attractive bartender at a watering hole here in New Orleans. Well, after the break up, my friends were buying me shots and telling her I was single. She, too, had become single recently and joined in on our festivities. After a few weeks of generally positive signals, I got up the courage to ask her for her number. To my surprise, she was all about giving me the number and promised to go out the following night.

Fast forward to the next night, she doesn’t come out because she’s sick.

I do believe you could use some quotes around that “sick.”

However, the whole time I’m out, she’s texting me in increasingly open sexual language.

I mean, who hasn’t been riddled with fever but totally horny? There’s an entire song about it.

So I think to myself, this is wonderful, this should be a no brainer. We make plans via text to hang out on Sunday after her nephew’s bday party. I texted her Sunday afternoon and asked if she still wanted to hang out afterwards and received no reply. So, if we’re keeping count, that’s twice I’ve been sold out. This woman has got me completely confused as to what the hell she wants. Is this a case of just leave it alone and don’t give her attention to pull her back in? Or should I just say fuck it and move along to the next willing recipient? Appreciate your feedback.
Signed,
Single and Salivating

It’s hard to say exactly what’s going on in your barmaid’s head. Some women are flighty as shit. Some people like to play head games. Some people make multiple sets of plans with multiple people and then cherry-pick who they like best.

Years back, I chased a woman who behaved similarly, and it was maddening. I would wait through the cancellations and reschedulings to get dates with her, and I still didn’t know how things were going to go: a great dinner could be followed by a peck goodnight or a night of sex, and I never knew which it was going to be. She was great-looking and I really enjoyed spending what little time I could manage with her (or rather: what time she could manage for me), but I never had any idea where I stood with her because her words never quite matched her actions.

Since you’re single, there’s no point in writing this girl off — it is ALWAYS beneficial to be in good with an attractive bartender — but I think you’re best off recalibrating your expectations to zero. Stay friendly with her, tease her about blowing you off, and if she suggests going out sometime, say, “Cool, but I’m going to make some back-up plans just in case.” If you vocally doubt her sincerity in wanting to see you, she’s going to want to prove you wrong to keep you on the hook. As long as you don’t have any expectations from her, you can’t be disappointed.

**********

Dear El Captain Fantactico,
This is a Valentine’s Day related question. Me and my girl

My girl and I

have been going out for a while and we’ve pretty much done all the relationship type things. I am going to refrain from being blunt, because I believe a true gentlemen doesn’t kiss and tell. Anyway my girl has never watched people bump uglies on the interwebs or on T.V. she seems interested though. How should I approach this?

I respect your sense of propriety. “As a true gentlemen, I shan’t ever disclose details of my romantic affairs in an anonymous forum! Now then: how might I introduce my lady companion to pornography?”

I don’t want to scare her off with the stuff I like, I highly doubt straight girls like girl on girl. Plus women being women like emotional sappy story line crap (basically all the stuff we fast forward through). How should I attack it: watch a classic, basic soft stuff, or my preferred route the porn parody (I bought the 30 Rock one FWIW)?
Gracias,
Newton LeRoy Jenkins

So your big idea for Valentine’s Day is to get your girlfriend to watch porn with you, huh? Well, that’s it, then. Mark your calendar: February 2nd, 2012. The day I no longer remembered what it was like to be young.

The way to sell your woman on something YOU want to do in bed is to ask about what turns HER on. With some careful guidance, you can steer the conversation to YOUR turn-ons, and then you carefully say how hot you think it would be if she watched some porn with you. If she seems open to it, you can ask her what she thinks she might like (and if she doesn’t know, then yeah, something with a semblance of a plot like the 30 Rock spoof would be a good call). If she’s not down for it, then you apologize and say, “Oh, that’s cool, I don’t even watch porn.”

**********

Dear KSK,
Football: Why would I want to join a fantasy league? Everything I read makes it sound like loathing heaped upon sadness and OCD.

Yeah! And why do people go to Vegas?!? People just kill brain cells and lose money there. It doesn’t sound like any fun at all.

Wedding: I’ve been picked to emcee a friend’s wedding this summer. I have stories to tell, but where’s the line? There’s expectations, and then there’s practicality and acknowledging that I’m getting a free meal and drinks.
Thanks,
Roald

An emcee? Are they not hiring a DJ or a band with a singer? I mean, it’s a wedding, not a variety show.

Regarding your stories: funny is good, sincere is better, brief is best. A wedding should be about the bride and groom, not some asshole with a microphone.

**********

Caveman,
Keeper question: PPR league, who do you keep, Maclin or Mathews? I’m leaning towards Mathews, he stayed remarkably healthy this year, while Maclin was hampered with injuries, but I’m not sure if that trend will continue. Plus he has that fatass Tolbert vulturing TD’s. I defer to your expertise.

You could argue either way, especially if ol’ Deshithead departs in free agency and increases Maclin’s prospective value. I’d still lean towards Mathews, though — I see him continuing to improve into his third year.

Relationship Question: Not about me but a close friend of mine (let’s call him Doug). Doug’s been dating a girl for 1.5 yrs and they decided to move in together last August. Things were going Ok I guess but when they went to their respective home towns over Christmas break, she was hanging out with her ex and acting sketchy towards Doug (not returning texts, being evasive, etc). When they both got back, she said she thought they needed a break. Doug was pissed off and assumed she hooked up with her ex (she denied this). He essentially said, “OK, let’s take a break, do w/e the fuck you want and I’ll do what I want”. She decided to go to a wedding as the date of her ex. Doug was understandably pissed off again and broke it off completely with her. He is now seeing another girl, and he and his now ex-girlfriend are not on speaking terms. They share a one bedroom apt, both are on the lease (until August 2012), and neither can afford to move out and pay double rent somewhere else.

He’s totally fucked isn’t he?

Yup.

Is there any way out of this shitty, shitty situation? I tried to give him advice (sublets, etc), but it basically boiled down to “Sorry man, you’re screwed. That sucks.”

The lesson, as always, is never love anybody.
-Dingus

INCORRECT! Love as often and as deeply as you can. The lesson should be “don’t move in with your significant other unless you’re both 98% certain you want to spend the rest of your lives together.”

**********

CC,
Fantasy first: In my first time doing an auction draft I drafted an awesome team only to lose in the championship only because Tony Romo’s hand got acquainted with Jason Babin’s helmet in week 16. No question. I’m just still bitching to anyone who will listen.

Sorry, what? I was watching TV.

Sex: I’m a junior in college and at a party last night I had an almost identical situation happen to me as what happened to Alex, the sender of the last question in the Valentine’s Day mailbag from Jan. 19. Only in my situation, I was fairly drunk and this very attractive girl was drunk as was to a slightly lesser extent. I got her to come back to my room and sit down on my couch, but then she said she doesn’t hook up with random guys. She will only hook up with them if they take her on a couple of dates. I don’t remember the specifics of our conversation but we talked for another hour or so before I walked her home and got her number. Should I even waste my time taking this girl out if she didn’t oppose the idea of it when I drunkenly promised I would? Or do you think she was just trying to get me to not come on to her? (which is entirely plausible, but she did continue to talk to me for an hour)
-Josh

Bad news, bro: some women aren’t sluts. Ugh, I know. I know. Don’t they understand that we just want to drunkenly use their bodies like a playground, go to sleep, and maybe wake up to a sandwich? Why can’t they just be cool like that?

Alas, many women prefer to get to know a guy and feel a deeper connection with him before extracting semen from his body. Depending on who you’re asking, these women are either “prudes” or have “self-respect.” (I usually feel it’s the latter, unless I have a boner.)

If you like her, take her on a date. If you’re just a drunk college kid looking to stick your dick into warm orifices, go hit another party.

Hi folks. I’m sick as hell this week, so the answers will be a bit more abrupt than usual. Doesn’t mean I don’t like you, it’s just a side effect of not being able to breathe through my nose, all of my muscles hurting, and my head feeling like it weighs 30 pounds. Let’s just guzzle some more Emergen-C and power through this.

Captain Caveman,
I recently started working with what I presume to be my dream girl. We went to a happy hour and hit it off. I asked her out to dinner, and we had a great time. When I was dropping her off in front of her door and about to make a move, her brother came down and kind of dispelled any chance I had for the night. I guess the problem started when I was moved right next to her in the office.

Wait, why was her brother there when you dropped her off? Does she still live at home? Was her brother visiting? Does he live with her? And why is the thing about the office part of this paragraph? What’s happening? Did my fever write your email?

We were constantly together all the time, it was kind of like being forced into a serious relationship by the office. During our date, we made plans to go out on another, so I asked her out again. Not sure what happened, but it eventually came down to her telling me, “Because we sit so close to each other it might ruin our work environment (or some shit like that). What I got from it? It’s not gonna work out. And I totally took the steps necessary to blow her off. Problem is, she asked me when we were going to go out on the date that I had mentioned before. Whatever.

I went out with her, and again, we hit it off.

She told you nothing was going to happen because you work next to each other, then she asked when you were going out again? I need more aspirin.

I believe that I am about to get friend-zoned, which tell you the truth, I have no use for. Once you’re in the friend-zone, you are just an emotional crutch until the girl has a boyfriend. I have enough girl friends that will blow me off once they get boyfriends so I don’t really see the point in actually trying to feign a friendship with a girl that I have romantic feelings for.

I guess my questions are: Should I cut my losses and avoid this girl?

Yes.

Should I pursue her anyway?

No.

Should I try the friend route and see what happens?

That’s a stupid question and you know it.

I am serious when I say that she is my dream girl. That is probably the only reason I am wrestling with these feelings. Bitches be actin cray.
Thanks,
Ball So Hard University Grad.

Dream girl, huh? Is “flighty nitwit” part of your feminine ideal? If you want her so bad, the best thing you can do is blow her off. Don’t initiate any contact with her, and repeatedly tell her that you’re “just really busy right now” when she tries to talk to you. This will make her feel unwanted, which will make her want to win you back. By the time that happens, you’ll have the choice of blowing her off for good or breaking past that mysterious guard-brother she has at home.

If all of this sounds like a dick-ish head game to play, well, yeah, it kind of is. But she initiated this nonsense with her mixed messages, so to hell with her. This is how people who aren’t genuine deserve to be treated.

(Oh, also: don’t sleep with co-workers.)

**********

Dear Mr. Caveman,
I know that it is a horrible idea to date someone that you work with, but my situation is kind of wacky and I would greatly appreciate your advice.

I am currently working for an Americorps program that is stationed in the woods of Central New England. My 28 fellow interns and I will be living in a state park for the next 10 months where we will be teaching in the local school system for 5 months and rebuilding trails for the other 5.

That sounds pretty cool.  Plus, it hits the Trifecta of Evil according to staunch Republicans: education, conservation, and a government-funded program.

/PolFlaWa

We will be doing everything from eating, to cleaning, to creating lesson plans together. These people will basically be my family for the next year. Our cabins are heated by wood burning stoves and don’t have running water or electric lights. However, the dining/community living area is heated with a furnace and has electricity and running water. The male to female ratio is approximately 1:1 and there are no rules against hooking up with each other.

That’s gonna be a long fucking winter, but it otherwise sounds pleasantly rugged, so long as there aren’t too many assholes.

I’m not sure if I lucked out or what, but I expected the female population at this camp to consist of ugly lesbians, unshaven hippies, and other unkempt women. However, when I arrived I was pleasantly surprised to find that there was a beautiful, tall, skinny, blonde girl who is also smart and on the same page about most things as me.

What should I do? This is basically it for my relationship pool at the moment. However, I’m going to be living in extremely close quarters with these folks for the next 10 months and people are bound to get jealous/angry/annoyed with one another. I don’t know if I want to complicate that even more by adding any sort of physical relationship to that equation.

You’re young and idealistic and horny. The first time booze and weed get passed around, people are gonna end up fucking. Might as well be you and the hot blonde girl.

Also, if I end up trying to get closer with this girl, all of my flirting experience has been with texting.

Holy shit, you’re one of the young people that Louis C.K. is always talking about in his act!

I mean, it has to be said that Americorps is way better than being a barista, but still: put the phone away and LOOK at people more often. That goes for everybody reading this. (And yeah, for me too.)

This isn’t really that big of a deal but it’s definitely a road block to my final destination (depending on what I decide to do).

Thanks for your help.
— It’s Cold Out Here

I wouldn’t rush into anything, but I wouldn’t write anything off, either. Just enjoy making friends and doing good work. If you happen to get laid and/or fall in love and/or get your heart ripped out, well, that’s life and these things happen. Enjoy everything to the fullest, even your mistakes.

**********

Dear Sage of the Internet,
Football: I have to choose a keeper for next year. I’m undecided between Forte and Megatron. I’m a hopeless homer and will probably keep Forte but any advice you have would be appreciated. Finished 5th for 3 years in a row. It’s like I’m one of the not-so ugly chicks at the bar at closing time.

Forte was incredible this year up until his injury (especially if you had a PPR league) — and that’s precisely why I’d go with Calvin Johnson. Your choices are a great fantasy back with some injuries and an inconsistent streak, or the no-doubt #1 fantasy receiver in the game who never gets hurt because he’s bigger than everyone trying to tackle him and who still catches touchdown passes even when his quarterback gets hurt.

Sex/Advice:
If you’ll indulge me, I’d like to give some advice of my own. I’m in the Navy (yeah, effin’ squid) and I spent a lot of time away from home. I was married to wonderful woman for over ten years. She put up with the military life because she loved me, I loved her and we have three beautiful children that are the reason I have for living. I never noticed how much I didn’t do. If that makes sense. She did everything, worked, bills, kids, house, pets. She took care of all of it while I was away and I got used to it. I wouldn’t do squat around the house when I was home because I figured she would take care of it. I never strayed, nobody ever measured up to her. But I did take her for granted. She did ask me to do more around the house when I was home, asked me to help with the shopping and whatnot but I was too busy or too lazy.

She left me. Not for another guy, not because she hates me. But because I didn’t do anything to make her life easier. There is nothing I regret more than not telling her how much I appreciate her, how much she means to me, how much having her in my life makes me happy. You’ve said many times that you can’t make somebody love you. But you can make someone fall out of love with you. If you’re reading this and are lucky enough to have someone you love in your life, please take twenty minutes out of your week and let them know it. Do the friggin’ dishes now and then. I know it’s not the end of the world for me, sure does feel like it though. My kids are number one, I’ll always have them. I know I’ll move on eventually, but I know I will never find someone like her again. Life doesn’t let you get that lucky. Get off the computer and give your significant other a hug, right now. Tell that person how much they mean to you. Hold them like you never want to let them go.
– Heart torn like an ACL.

That was super-depressing, but thank you. You make a very good point.

**********

Cap’n-
Girlfriend broke up with me somewhat unexpectedly. She’s going through a lot (insane grad program and sick family member), and said she feels guilty, like there’s no room or emotion left for a relationship. We are very much in love, and she swears this was the only reason for the breakup. For what it’s worth, I believe her. She said she still wants to talk, and while normally in a breakup that’s a terrible idea, I want to see her, talk to her, and be there for her. I know this makes it sound like we’ll get back together, but I don’t want to get wrapped up in that line of thinking. How should I handle this? I’m thinking the “keep my distance, take care of myself, but be available for her” is the play, but welcome dissenting opinions.

No, fuck that. Keep your distance and take care of yourself, that’s it. Tie that “be available for her” caveat to a cement block and drop it into the nearest body of water that can be seen from space.

Relationships do NOT work that way. You don’t love someone and share their bed and get emotionally attached to them, then say, “I don’t have room for you in my life, except for conversations where you offer me emotional support.” I don’t care how busy your life is or which family member’s on life support: it’s a selfish thing to ask.

When a girl breaks up with a guy, she wants to “stay friends” for at least one or both of these reasons:

1. It keeps you close and emotionally involved. This pays off in attention, which makes her feel desirable and wanted. It’s also a nice fail-safe in case she changes her mind and wants you again — she can always turn to what’s on the back burner.
2. It makes her feel better about herself. When a relationship ends, everyone’s feelings get hurt. Sure, the rejection of getting dumped is the worse side to be on, but the dump-er feels guilt for hurting someone’s feelings. If you stay friends, then she doesn’t have to face the pain she caused you! HOORAY! She doesn’t have to feel guilty!

This is your dissenting opinion: she can have your full love and support through her difficult time, or she can have none of it. Do NOT be her emotional crutch — she’ll only discard you when she can walk again.

Fantasy: Uh, not really my main focus here (scary that I view this site as therapy first, football second), but what are your views on fantasy during the playoffs? I’m in a league for the first time this year, and after winning my regular season league, my horrible showing is tarnishing my glory.
-Bannister Jones

I’m not enamored with those playoff fantasy challenges, but I suppose they’re a decent form of methadone if you’re jonesing hard enough. And don’t sweat losing ‘em — there’s no tarnishing a league championship. That’s yours to enjoy the rest of your life.

***********

Dear Caveman,
Fantasy: My crappy team was completely torpedoed by Purple Jesus’s ankle injury. For next year, any good ideas for late round sleeper picks? Think Daniel Thomas will break out?

I liked what I saw from Thomas when he was healthy and playing, but I’m troubled by two things: (1) new coach, and (2) the emergence, finally, of Reggie Bush. Now, I’m not so foolish to think that Bush will stay healthy for a full season, but until we see how training camps go, I’d think of Thomas as more of a handcuff than a sleeper.

As for other sleepers, I’m tired and sick and don’t feel like looking up names and crunching numbers. Ask me again in August.

Sex: I casually dated my roommate for roughly three months. We started as friends, and drunkenly hooked up.

Oh, savvy move! I bet this story turns out great with everyone really happy!

We live a large house with 6 other people. We were exclusive, spent tons of time together but we never really defined the relationship because she was coming off a bad breakup and wanted to take things slow for a while. She never pushed to make it official but I could tell that she was way more into the relationship then I and I didn’t see a long term future so I broke it off. We had a couple other minor problems but that comes with dating someone. She felt the split was premature and that I could maybe feel differently with more time. Isn’t liking someone the one thing in a relationship that you shouldn’t have to work on?

I have a hard time arguing against that.

Is my reason for breaking up with her legitimate? I feel it is but I have never really broken up with anyone before. This question sounds stupid to me but she isn’t really accepting it as a legitimate reason.

Here’s you a couple seconds ago: “I didn’t see a long term future.” I’ve always been of the mindset that as soon as you know you definitely don’t want to marry a girl you’re dating, you break up with her. Unless she was, like, crazy hot in bed. Then the bad news could wait a little bit.

Secondly, she is really broken up about it. Any tips for being the good friend of someone that you just broke up with?

Yes. Don’t live in the same house that she lives in.

Is there any way to “be there” for someone you just dumped?

No. You “being there” for her is just going to be her crying while she asks you the same questions (“But WHY?”) over and over again until you either storm out or give up and fuck her, thus compounding all the problems you’re dealing with at the moment.

Any chance I can ever date anyone else as long as I live with her?
Thanks,
-Keeping it in house

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Sure, as long as the new girl never sets foot in your house. No problem at all.

**********

El Capitan,
Fantasy: Because everyone (no one) cares about leagues other than their own. I won the Super Bowl in one league, finished out of the money in another. Hey thanks a lot DeSean Jackson for such a fine contract year performance, and a special thank you to a buggy live auction site that didn’t acknowledge my +1 bid on Calvin Johnson with 5 seconds left on the timer and let him go to the eventual league winner at $15 below expected price.

“I have no question.”

Sex: I have a wedding question that, considering your upcoming nuptials, might be of interest. A cousin of mine is getting married this summer and my wife and I will be invited to the wedding. We live 500 miles away and have two grade school aged children. I recently received an e-mail stating that the bride and groom have decided to make the ceremony and reception adults and high school aged children only. The parents of the groom have offered to have our kids stay at their house with a babysitter. Etiquette-wise this is all well and good but my question is whether I should now graciously decline the invitation.

The wife and I would be taking a day off work, the boys would both miss a little league game, and we would be driving 12 hours for the wedding only to leave the kids with a babysitter we don’t know in order to go to the ceremony and reception. Now obviously the wedding is all about the bride and groom and making their day special

Correct. Let’s remember that as we move forward.

and I would not presume to ask that they make exceptions for our kids. However, I’m not sure that we can, in good conscience, take the boys on a long drive and then tell them to stay with a stranger for 6 hours while we go to party town.

We have a very good relationship with this side of the family and though they would be disappointed, I’m pretty sure they would understand and there would be no lingering hard feelings. That being said I’m a little pissed off about this “no children” development. I was never a kid friendly person but always managed to put on a happy face and made nice in family get-togethers where kids were sure to be around. I’m thinking they are being a bit selfish and not considering the practical situations of many relatives that will be put in a similar spot.
-My kids are awesome, yours suck.

Hell yeah they’re being selfish. It’s their wedding. They’re entitled to do it however they want, and if you don’t like it, then you just stay home and be offended that they didn’t consider what’s practical for you. But I’ll tell you one thing: I bet that wedding’s going to kick ass, and people are going to have a great time whether or not you’re there. No one’s gonna be like, “Oh no, MKAAYS and his wife couldn’t make it because it was a hassle for them. If ONLY the bride and groom hadn’t made this wedding so awesome by not allowing any children!”

Your kids are probably great, but let’s get the prevailing opinion out in the open: fuck your stupid kids. Kids are shitty wedding guests. They’re prone to squirming and talking during the ceremony. They’re terrible at dancing. They pick at the food and whine that they want pizza. They don’t drink, but they cost full price toward the head count. Every child at a wedding represents an ACTUAL, MEANINGFUL FRIEND of the bride and groom who wasn’t invited. So, speaking on behalf of the couple getting married, fuck you for thinking your kids somehow have priority over your cousin’s lifelong friends..

Did you ever consider that a wedding without children would be more enjoyable for everyone there — including you? Maybe your cousin wants to be able to dance the night away with you and your wife without one of you disappearing early to tuck the kids into bed. Maybe you can call in a favor to your wife’s parents and have them watch the kids while you enjoy a fun weekend with your wife. Maybe you could graciously accept the six hours of free babysitting instead of bitching about it. Maybe fuck yourself.

Whatever the case, as you said, it’s all about making the bride and groom’s day special, and your kids aren’t part of that.

It’s January 19th, and as your internet-dwelling life coach, I’m inclined to remind those of you in a relationship that there is less than one month until Valentines Day. Now, you and I and everyone else knows that Valentines Day is a load of crap, but that doesn’t give any of us a free pass. You still have to do something romantic or buy her a gift or some shit because OTHER women are being treated to dinner and chocolates and jewelry. That’s the crux of Valentines Day, really. It’s not about a woman having a healthy, happy relationship — it’s about showing those other bitches how fantastic her love life is.

That’s why I recommend sending flowers to your lady’s place of employment. Everybody ends up happy: she gets flowers (BITCHES LOVE FLOWERS), I don’t have to show up wearing a tie anywhere, and all her co-workers get jealous and wish they had thoughtful men in their lives. Well, I guess not everybody ends up happy. But close enough.

Let’s get to your emails.

Dear dicky dicks,
My penis says SEX first: My girlfriend and I have been dating for three years. Recently, I came to a startling realization: we don’t have sex anymore!

What a shocking and unique revelation. I love that we break new ground in the mailbag every week.

That’s not entirely true, so let me explain myself. My girlfriend was a virgin when we started dating. Post cherry-popping coitus, it was like she had been liberated. We would fuck often, including in some public spots.

Young people having sex in public? Well I never! Good thing my monocle is affixed to a chain, else it would have been lost in the bear skin rug on which I stand.

We’ve never had shitloads of sex because I live with a roommate, and she doesn’t like to have sex with me when he’s home. I know that doesn’t make sense considering I just said we used to do it in public. I guess the people that might happen on us in public are complete strangers, but my roommate she actually knows so she’s more self-conscious? Idk.

Anyway, she also still lives with her parents,

Sweet.

so we rarely have sex at her place. We’re both in our early 20s going to school at a local university. Long story short, we used to have sex at least once a week, and she used to WANT IT. She’d take charge and jump my bones. Now, we’re down to about once a month, and we only fuck when I ask for it. The passion just isn’t the same.

I confronted her about this, and she copped to being busy and neglectful, and that she’d make an effort to have more sex. That’s great and all, but now I feel like she’s only having sex to satisfy me and not because she wants to.

I asked if she wasn’t physically attracted to me anymore (my first guess), or if she was seeing someone else (my second guess), and she denied both. So, now I ask you. What gives? I’ve been conditioned to believe that two young people in their 20s should fuck like porn stars constantly, but is the sex just fading because of how long we’ve been together? I’ve never been in a relationship even remotely close to this one in length of time. If the sex is already dying out now, where the fuck will it be if we ever get married?!

Hold on, let me ask my dismissive wanking GIF.

Predictably, dismissive wanking GIF has nothing to offer besides dismissive wanking. But let’s break that down piece by piece. On the notion of you getting married to this girl:

On getting married to the person you lose your virginity to:

On talking about sex in FOURTEEN different sentences, but never once writing the word “love” regarding a three-year relationship:

I mean, do I even have to explain how breaking up works? You and your girlfriend both need out of that relationship. Especially her.

FOOTBALL: One and done in the playoffs–fuck you very much, Percy Harvin–left me with the 9th pick in my 12-team league. WTF DO YOU DO WITH THAT SHIT?! All the good RBs will be gone, and probably Brees and Rodgers, too. I’m going to have to go WR in the first, aren’t I? I hate doing that shit.
Love Sometimes And Only When You Ask For It,
Sexless in South Texas

Ease up on the all-caps drama, it’s the ninth pick in a fantasy football draft. Brees will still be available, as will Tom Brady, though I’m not sure if I’d go for those dudes with the ninth pick. I’d take Calvin Johnson at 9 without a second thought, though.

**********

Dear Captain,
First, not much fantasy. I invested in the Matt Schaub-to-Andre Johnson connection, and rightfully got burned for making such a dumbass mistake.

That’s not a dumbass mistake. You invested in two good players who got injured. It happens.

Inexplicably though, I managed to make our 6 (out of 12) playoff with a 5-8 record on a 4-way tiebreaker. I am the Seahawks of our fantasy league.

BEST LOSING TEAM IN NFL HISTORY!

Second, sex. I just broke up with my boyfriend (I’m gay) of 4 1/2 years this week. It sucks and I’m still hurting over it, but it had to happen. I’m taking some time to clear my head, and am already doing some of the stuff you recommend (gym, going out with friends, etc), but it’s dawning on me that I don’t know “how” to be single.

That’s such a confounding thing to not know. There are no instructions. You just do what you want to do.

(Side note: I was so perplexed that I Googled “how to be single”, but the results weren’t very helpful, so I Googled “how to be single and gay”. Good news: there’s a book! Bad news: the person you’re seeking advice from Googled “how to be single.”)

I was with this person since I was 21 and was so terribly aloof when I was younger that I didn’t really have any other serious relationships. I’ve only had one sexual partner. I don’t know how to make a pass at someone, and am too much of an oblivious dumbass to pick up on when someone is making a pass at me.

Not possible. Gay men are not subtle about their passes. Or rather: straight men are not generally friendly to other men they don’t know. It’s so unusual for a straight guy to meet a stranger and have a friendly conversation that when it DOES happen, one of the guys inevitably says something like, “Hey man, I don’t want this to sound gay, but it was cool hanging out.”

While my boyfriend liked my personality, my body, and our sex life, I have zero clue if he was just an anomaly and I’m actually off-putting and bad in bed.

UGH STOP BEING AN INSECURE GIRL

At some point, I’ll have to go back out into the sea and start over if I’m going to move on, but I’m in my mid-twenties and just feel like I’m behind the 8-ball.

Yes, as a gay man in your mid-20s, there’s so much pressure to get married and have babies before your ovaries dry up. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

Any tips on how to learn – fast – on not being the awkward and inexperienced single guy? My fear is turning into “that guy.” It also doesn’t help that I’m in grad school in the South and the gay dating scene here is…limited, to say the least. I don’t need to be a swingin’ single, just how to get back into the damn pool without water wings. At least my partner and I were long-distance so I won’t have to worry about running into him. I know you normally deal with the breeders, but I figured your advice would be applicable for my kind as well.

Thanks, 26-year-old-kinda-virgin

Online dating. It gives you the protective layer of the Internet, then when you go on dates you can say preposterous things like “I’m doing online dating because I don’t know how to be single.” You can get laid a couple of times and get a better idea of what you like and don’t like in a sexual partner. Who knows, you might even meet the next Mr. Right.

**********

CC,
First, I know it’s about nine months away, but I think your Seahawks will be an excellent NFC West bet next year. The 49ers are primed for a little regression.

That’s kind of you, but a foolish notion until Seattle fixes its quarterback problem.

Moving on: I’ve been single throughout college — gotten enough through random drunk hookups to maintain hope another one will come, though not nearly enough to avoid complaining bitterly. I recently had a rather disappointing experience at a party — I settled on a girl I wanted and actually managed to get her attention and talk to her for at least an hour. The conversation was a little flirty, but not anything extreme, and when the party was wrapping up, she politely rebuffed my not-that-subtle attempt to get her to leave with me. I spent the last few days second-guessing my conversation, whether there’s anything else I could have said. But we were talking, just the two of us, for over an hour. Given that much time, in general (obviously every situation’s a little different, and I know you weren’t there), is it more likely that she just found me interesting to talk to, non-sexually, or could I have actually done anything else to woo her? She had me there for an hour; if she wanted me, she would’ve let me know, right?
I’m sorry there’s no actual sex here,
Alex

She’s not attracted to you. There’s nothing you could have said that would change that, unless you subscribe to that whole negging/seduction science thing. My old roommate once lent me Neal Strauss’s The Game, and I couldn’t finish it. Whatever insight into the world of female psychology it offered was negated by jackasses treating people like shit.

Anyhoo, that’s it. Three emails were all I got this week, and I’m happy to work less. However, I realize that some of you are going to be disappointed, so here’s a sexy bonus:

Holy cow that ass is ON A SWIVEL.

(via Viral Viral Videos and Jimmy Traina’s twitter).

Whew. Big mailbag today. There’s not much going on in the world of fantasy football, but we’ve got plenty to discuss when it comes to sex and love: drunken sex with a crazy girl, online dating, online dating that leads to drunken sex with a crazy girl, more drunken sex, and, uh… dealing with future in-laws? I guess that last one doesn’t quite fit the theme. Sorry.

Sultan of Sex,
FF: I have never really jumped into FF too much, but if I were to organize a league with some friends, what provider should I go through (Yahoo, ESPN, etc)?

My various fantasy football leagues are through Yahoo and NFL.com, both of which I enjoy for easy, sensible user navigation (I give a slight edge to Yahoo because I trust its performance predictions more). While I’ve never done a football league on ESPN, I’m currently engaged in a fantasy basketball league there, and so far I’ve been unimpressed. The navigation just isn’t very straightforward, and it’s skewed toward getting ESPN extra pageviews and comments instead of serving the user. The other big fantasy client is CBS Sports, and I don’t have enough information to say anything good or bad about it. But it’s the same network that airs “NCIS: Los Angeles,” so it’s not like I’m itching to change from an internet leader like Yahoo.

Lack of Sex: So, I’ve been friends with this chick just under a decade, and inevitably I like her, cause I’m a pathetic idiot. She’s great to be around, probably the best woman I know. Friends feel that we have great chemistry. Well, a few years back, we ended up kissing, and she turned my request down for there to be a relationship. We remained friends, but went separate ways relationship-wise (we’ve both been through committed relationships since).

Well, we have both been single for a while, and one night while drinking together (I was drunk, not her) about 4 months ago, I told her how I felt at the time,

Always a good idea.

and she basically told me it wasn’t going to happen. She felt there were differences we had that never had to be hashed out as friends, but would if we were together (religion, being one). She also felt that our personalities would clash. I’m a mild mannered guy who just goes with the flow, and she is kind of a control freak about things (Type A, as she says).

“Relaxed guy” with “Type A girl” describes approximately 75% of all heterosexual relationships. Translation: she is not attracted to you.

Fast forward to a month ago, and we were out drinking again, but this time she was drunk as well, and I guess feeling frisky, as things got quite a bit more physical between us than they ever had. There was no sex, but other stuff happened. The next day she texted me innocently, but didn’t mention the previous night’s activities. We hung out again about a week afterward (this was something planned a while back before the drunken escapades), and she was quiet and acting weird, which is odd since she’s normally a upbeat, fun person. I had planned on asking her what the fuck was up with the week before, but her lack of interest in hanging out deterred me. We haven’t hung out, nor talked much the last couple weeks, and in the last couple days I have tried to set up a time for us to get together to air this shit out, but she has been busy.

So, what say you? Am I being a fucking retard over this? Should I just forget this chick? That will definitely be easier said than done. Is it even worth my time to talk to her about this?
Thanks,
Dude who sucks at this dating shit

Listen, I don’t want to make grand, sweeping conclusions about this person you’ve known for years when I’m just working off a couple paragraphs. But I think she’s not interested in a relationship with you, and here’s why:

1. Years ago, she said she didn’t want a relationship with you.
2. Four months ago, when you expressed feelings for her, she said a relationship was never going to happen.
3. When drunk and horny, she is willing to turn to you because you made it clear that you’re a sure thing. After the hookup, she ignored you.

So what do you think? Is a girl who does those things worth your time and emotional investment? Personally, I’d prefer someone who’s actually interested in me.

(Side note: I’d lay even money that the instant you ignore this girl and develop genuine feelings for someone else, this girl comes crawling back into your life. Women suck that way.)

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CC,
I don’t know if you have tackled this subject or not, but what are your thoughts on internet dating? Someone suggested it to me a while back and I immediately dismissed it, but now I’m starting to consider it.

Some background: I’m 25 years old and just got a divorce. I was married for about 2.5 years, and we were together off and on for several years before getting married. We have one kid together. I work an 8-5 M-F job plus I work weekend nights as well (which I only took because the ex-wife was going back to school; now that paycheck goes toward paying for the divorce and child support). Plus I take care of my kid 2-3 nights a week. So I really don’t have many nights off to go out and meet new people. I used to think internet dating was for losers, old people, people looking to cheat, and crazy stalkers/murderers. But supposedly it’s pretty common now for even people in their 20s and 30s. Your thoughts?
Sincerely,
R

Seven years ago, when I moved to New York and only knew two or three people in the city, I briefly tried online dating. It wasn’t a terrible way to meet people, but I noticed a trend: the women I wanted to date rarely responded to me, and the women who messaged me spurred reactions like, “Really? I can do better than that!” That was turned me off to the experience: not the ignominy of having to answer “So, how did you guys meet?,” but the reality that we all think we’re better-looking than we really are.

Things have changed since then. I went to DC for a business trip recently. One of my co-workers had been on OK Cupid, but hadn’t had much luck in New York. However, he had linked his phone to his profile, so thanks to the wonders of GPS, it automatically updated his location when he traveled to DC. And so a hot blonde chick messaged him and was all, “I know you don’t live here, but let’s get a drink before you go.” And so they met up, and they were both Redditors, and they both liked XBox 360, and he ended up staying two extra days for reddit and XBox and whatever else. Dude got a whole weekend of getting laid because his internet dating service worked overtime for him. Technology fucking rules.

Anyway, there’s nothing wrong with internet dating. Since those long-ago days of 2004, it’s not uncommon to hear about weddings between people who met online (I’ll be attending one such event in April). It’s more efficient, and you don’t have a lot of free time. Give it a try.

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Uncle Screwtape,
Sex: I got Yeltsin drunk at a bar and texted a girl who I’ve been talking to online to meet up. I ended up sleeping over at her place. Also, I make poor lifestyle decisions She was very nice but not as attractive as she looked online (and she probably thought the same of me, to be fair). Still, I let her know that I had fun, but I wasn’t looking to get into a serious relationship any time soon and would hang out with her again at some point. She seemed fine with that. We kept in light contact over the next few days. I went back to my hometown to visit a parent who was very ill in the hospital. Over the time I was there I wasn’t keeping in contact with anyone, let alone her. When I returned to the city, I told her I was back in town. She then sent me a series of texts about how upset she was I that haven’t talked to her in days. This angered me. In my head I was thinking “I’m not in a relationship with this person. Why should I have to defend myself over not calling someone you spent one night with when I was at home spending time with my sick mother?” I told a friend about this. He informed me he went out on a date with the same girl and she was a total psycho. He highly recommended cutting all contact with her. After that, I ended up ignoring a lengthy series of calls, texts, and IMs. I understand that was very cowardly mistake on my part.

Not really. If you’re not in a relationship with someone — as you are not with this girl — the clearest message you can send is to not respond to them. Most grown adults get the message.

But time went on and it all stopped. Of course, I ran into her last night. She went off on me, to the point where I had to take her outside. I just stood there for 20 minutes saying “sorry”, “I know it was a mistake”, and “what do you want me to say?” while she called me every name in the book. I didn’t want to say “Hey my friend said you’re nuts and to never talk to you again” because I didn’t want to get him involved. I let her know how bothered I was that she jumped down my throat for not talking to her for a few days. She didn’t see how that was a big deal. Anyways, she stormed off, and I went home.

Dude: your mother could have DIED. You have nothing to apologize for.

So, my question is: How should I deal with this person now? I will probably see her around town. She shops where I work. I don’t want to have a scene there. I really don’t want to get a drink thrown in my face every weekend or have to tell my friends we can’t go to a certain bar because I know she hangs out there. I’m also worried I will be out on a date and she would come over and ruin it. I know I was in the wrong and should of told her before that I think we should stop communicating. But now, I don’t even think any apology is going to quell her insane hatred. Any advice would help.
John Shithead

Seeing as how I just endorsed online dating above, it’s only fair that I point out this downside: you don’t get any of the inherent social vetting that people who meet through friends enjoy. If my friend John introduces me to his hot co-worker Alice, my brain automatically processes that Alice isn’t crazy, because John would warn me if she were. Same thing if you meet someone at a house party. You can ask a girl, “So, who do you know here?” and then connect the dots after she answers. “Well, if she’s friends with Marty and Bob, then she’s probably okay.” You don’t get that when you meet someone online.

Let’s talk about this particular breed of woman, shall we?

That’s from Pleated Jeans’ Best of the Crazy Girlfriend Praying Mantis meme. If you’ve never dealt with an insane bitch before, the meme is humorous but far-fetched. “Nobody actually says those things, right?” WRONG. Of the 25 image macros on that page, I heard 14 of them from one particular woman I dated. You know the way people who kick a drug habit talk about “losing” whole years of their lives? That’s what it’s like when you date a crazy girl. Be glad that you only had a one-night stand with this girl, because even the briefest of relationships with a crazy chick can poison every memory you have from an era of your life.

(NOTE: I don’t mean for this to be misogynistic in any way. The insecurities and distrust that create the stereotypical “crazy girl” are often sown by asshole dudes, and I’ve certainly been an asshole dude to unlucky women in the past. So I’m not trying to pretend I’m innocent here. Nobody’s innocent. None of that makes it any less pleasant to deal with an irrational woman.)

ANYWAY, my preferred method for dealing with an irrational psychotic woman is to move to another state. (In one case, an ex-girlfriend moved to another country, and that saved me a lot of trouble. Twelve time zones was ALMOST far away enough.) However, a lot of people have stronger ties to places than I do, so you may have to seek other avenues. I’m not an expert on getting a restraining order, but check out the comments and you’ll find that a lot of KSK readers are experts in that regard. Make of that what you will.

So do you what you have to do, and definitely avoid her at all costs, but don’t be afraid of her showing up and trying to ruin a date (especially if you get that restraining order). All you have to say is, “We hooked up once, then she freaked out because I didn’t call her while my mom was sick in the hospital.” See? You’re a prince and she’s crazy. I’m rambling. Next question.

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Dear El Capitan,
FF: Since I don’t have any typical lineup questions, how did your teams fare this season?

You are officially the last person to abuse this weakness of mine until next September. In the quickest manner possible: Juggalo Baby Funeral (KSK blogger 14-team keeper league) finished first; Muffcunt Vaginapussy (IRL friends 12-team keeper league) finished third, and Eagle Globe n Spanker (16-team league where I autodrafted) finished 7-6 and just missed the playoffs.

Sexy Time: Last summer, I was an intern at a company in the Midwest. One of my fellow interns was a girl who had the rare combination – at least in Midwestern women – of self-confidence, beauty and the desire to party. She was 22 going into her last year of college, I was 23 and out of school.We hit it off quickly. In one of our long conversations, she explained that, after a fucked up relationship she had in high school, she stopped ‘dating’ because being a girlfriend was numbing and made her feel trapped. Moreover, the two FWB relationships she tried since then burned her bad as well (ie: she ended up falling for the guys ), and she is wary about anything resembling romance. Women be complicated.

I’m trying to wrap my head around that one. “I don’t want a relationship, because being a girlfriend is numbing, so I tried being in two different friends-with-benefits scenarios, but I fell for the guys and they didn’t want relationships with me, therefore I don’t want a relationship.”

For the next couple weeks, I kept getting strong vibes that this girl wants *some* sort of relationship with me, but because of the above conversation, I didn’t bring it up. One night we both were at a drunken rager of a party with the other summer interns. She and I – as usual – were the hardest dancing pair in the group. One thing leads to another, and suddenly we were making out in one of the side rooms of the apartment. We stumbled back to her place (nearby) and have wild, drunken sex until we pass out.

The next day, she didn’t remember anything. FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUU. When I reflect on it in the cold light of sobriety, her story makes a great deal of sense. A couple of times during the night, she asked “Where are we?” after we had made it back her apartment and in general seemed confused unrelated to sex. But I didn’t take the time to connect the dots myself, considering I was fucked up myself.

When I told her the full story, she took okay (“I’m glad it was with you” ) but she definitely felt shitty about it. As did I. Now, I am wondering what the fuck I should have done here?!

Ummm… drank less?

Had I already blown any chance I had with this girl by being too inebriated to notice that she was totally out of it?

The rest of the summer I tried to play it off and not press anything, hoping things would repair themselves with time and ‘something would happen’. As you might expect, that didn’t work out. So, maybe I got played, but I thought you could lay some wisdom on me.
~What Would Rex Ryan Do

That’s the trouble with booze. Too little and your inhibitions aren’t lowered enough to make those fun decisions. Too much and your impulses work on autopilot even after your cognition has been powered down to zero. In general, I’m all for a drunken romp, especially when the alcohol serves as the tipping point for a hookup that’s been waiting to happen anyway. But blackout sex… yikes. Not exactly the winning start to a relationship that you might like.

That said, keeping your distance — though certainly respectful — probably wasn’t the best follow-up move. Best to face up to it and use the momentum of your fuck-up to your own advantage. Judo date! “Hey, I think it’s only fair that you remember how amazing I am in bed. Can I take you to dinner on Friday?”

However, since the summer’s long gone, just enjoy the fact that you dodged that particular ball of crazy.

**********

Hey Captain,
I figured I would give you an update on the last couple questions my girlfriend and I had submitted since I enjoy follow ups when I read the mailbag.  I was the guy stuck with the not so fun family trip to Vegas during March Madness. Lucky for me, the trip was moved and I was able to enjoy March Madness at home and go to Vegas during the summer.  My girlfriend was the impatient girl who wanted to get engaged, but her lame ass boyfriend kept coming up with excuses. Well, actually that was me misleading her so I could propose to her on our vacation at Disneyworld, on main street during the Christmas party with the fake snow falling. Although, she was a little freaked out that I was able to lie to here so convincingly about not wanting marriage.  She said yes and all is well. (And Epcot wasnt as gay as you led me to believe; great food.)

I mean, Disney World as a whole is kind of weird and off-putting for me. But if you like it, more power to ya.

Anyways now comes the wedding planning and much like you have found the amount of money needed to spend is ridiculous.  The idea of a destination wedding is nice because weddings appear to be cheaper (less people go) and nicer when compared locally here in Arizona.  Disneyworld is surprisingly affordable for a small ceremony and gives a nice symmetry to the engagement.

However, due to some recent family drama with her parents and the rest of her relatives, that seems to be nixed.  Her parents have said they will not go to Florida (where the rest of her family lives) if we have a wedding there, which I call bullshit since no parents would miss their only daughter’s wedding due to spite for other relatives. I cannot get excited for anywhere else but Disneyworld because that is what she has dreamed about getting married since she was six. My advice was to let emotions calm and wait a few weeks to get them to bury the hatchet with their family and come to their daughter’s dream wedding (which they are not paying for!).  My fiancee says that this isn’t how her family works and this grudge could be bottled and held onto for years.  My personality says to not avoid the conflict, call their bluff, and let all parties involved that this needs to stop.  But I am sure there are much better ways to handle this?
Sincerely,
A frustrated groom

1. Your wedding is YOUR wedding. Not your mother’s wedding, not your in-laws’, not Aunt Edna’s. YOURS. This trumps all other rules of wedding planning. It’s about you and your bride. It should reflect your tastes and represent who you are as a couple. Personally, I’d rather be chased through the desert by wild dogs than get married in Orlando — and that’s why I’m not. It’s not my place to judge what wedding venues are wrong or right; all that matters is that it’s right for you. If your bride has dreamed about getting married at Disney World since she was six, then you guys should get married at Disney World. Simple as that.

2. If her parents aren’t paying, they don’t get to call the shots. With respect to point #1, money talks. If her mom and dad chip in several thousand dollars, why yes, they DO get to invite their friends from down the street that you’ve never met. If they’re paying the bills, they get some input. If not, see #1.

3. People will behave how you let them behave. This is where things get tricky. I’ve seen a lot of wedding-related family drama in my life. My dad is estranged from his parents. My sister made concessions at her wedding that set the table for unacceptable behavior from her in-laws for years to come (behavior that’s still going on a decade later). This is a precarious scenario for you: you will, presumably, be spending holidays with these people for the rest of your life. They will be grandparents to your children. You can’t simply tell them to pound sand, but you can’t bend to their will, either.

If it were me — and thank God it’s not — I’d find my biggest pair of big-boy pants and talk to the future in-laws about your fiancee and what she means to you. She’s dreamed about a particular wedding since she was six, you’re determined to give it to her, and you expect them to attend because their daughter hopes that she’s more important to them than whatever family feud they’re occupied with, because she expects them to be a part of your life together. I’d even try to squeeze in a joke to lighten the mood: “We intend to use you for free baby-sitting when we have kids, and that’s not going to happen if you skip our wedding.” If you let them dictate the details of your wedding, they’re going to dictate a great many more aspects of your life. Trust me: I understand how these quiet, confrontation-averse, grudge-holding families work, because that’s my dad’s entire branch of the genealogical tree (except my dad). They’re gonna be a pain in the ass and unhappy either way, so you might as well live your life on your terms.

Oh, and one more thing: would having the wedding at Disneyland in California solve all your problems? If so, do that.

Well folks, with the playoffs kicking off this weekend and almost no fantasy action to be had, we’ve lifted the usual restraints and allowed several sex-only questions this week, which is what most of you depraved jackals want anyway. We’ll keep the restrictions loose over the next couple of months and switch back to equal parts sex and FF as the NFL Draft gets closer. Cool? Cool. Let’s get to your questions.

(image via)

Dear KSK,
So I’ve been hooking up with this girl a couple months, and I’m thinking about committing to something. But she’s only blown me once (plenty of sex though), and she used too much teeth. Like, broken skin too much teeth. Is there anyway to inform her, without sounding like an asshole “Honey, watch the teeth”?
- Thank You Aloe

Have you tried “Ow, I’m bleeding”?

As your raked penis can testify, your girl doesn’t know how to give a blowjob. And the lack of blowjobs suggests she’s either aware of this or doesn’t enjoy it (or both: I didn’t enjoy going down on girls until I knew what I was doing). So you have to coach her. Encourage her. Tell her what to do without being negative. Always: “I like that” and “put your lips over teeth” and “that’s great.” Never: “No, not like that” or “Ouch!” or “What the fuck, doesn’t Cosmo give you tips on this every goddam month?”

**********

Dear Random Person on the Internet,
Fantasy: Part 1: I’ve run a no-money, smack-talk heavy league among college friends for over ten years. This year we made a new rule: first place gets to name the last place team for the following year. I won this year (#humblebrag), so I have the honor of defacing one of my buddy’s team for a full fantasy season, and the pressure is well and truly on for the name not to suck (or rather, for it to be hilariously sucky). I have a few ideas, but I’d love to open it up to the mailbag commetariat because I’m honestly not very witty.

I guess that’s cool, but fantasy team names are already so depraved that it’s actually hard to do something embarrassing. My team name in one league has been Muffcunt Vaginapussy for three years, and I have no intention of changing it. So I don’t know, I guess it would have to be something he wouldn’t want to say to other people? Maybe something like “I Was Breastfed Until Age 10″?

Fantasy: Part 2: The league agreed before this year’s draft to switch our keeper system to “unlimited number of keepers, equal to the round drafted in the previous year”.

That is crazy. Not like morning DJ “That is CRAAAAY-ZAYYYYYY!!” *bike horn honking*. I mean mentally disturbed, you shouldn’t handle sharp things insane.

Obviously, who I keep depends on who will be available and the status of my players at draft time next year. My question is how do leagues with keeper systems like this typically handle waiver wire pickups? Mid-season pickups Cruz and Robinson helped me win the playoffs, and I’d naturally like to keep them at little or no cost, but I also don’t want to be a horrible commissioner or friend or person.

It varies. I’m in two keeper leagues myself; in one, we can only keep players that we drafted and stayed on our roster all year — no waiver pick-ups or traded players can be kept, which is stupid and I’m badgering our commissioner  to change it. In the KSK Blogger League, of which I am the newly crowned champion (WHAT WHAT), waiver pickups can be kept for a 5th round pick, which I think is entirely too steep of a price.

On the other hand, a lot of people write in about leagues where waiver guys can be kept for a final-round pick, which I think is too cheap. If you examine the worthwhile keepers available on waivers throughout the season versus the average 15th-round draft selections, it’s easy to see that the two shouldn’t be regarded as having the same value. Injuries, waiver order, and the added benefit of seeing players perform in games makes waiver pick-ups an informed lottery versus the kicker-heavy crapshoot of Round 15 in the draft. Personally, I think you should be able to keep a waiver pick-up for something between an 8th rounder and a 10th rounder.

Sex: I have no sex questions. Not because I know everything (I certainly do not), but because I am the father of two young children with a full time job, so sex is no longer something I have time to even worry about. I don’t even have time to find a nice consolation picture for you. Wow. In print that makes it even sadder. It certainly takes the sparkle out of winning the championships. Anyway, TAKE MY AWKWARD AND HORRIBLE LIFE AS A WARNING AND ENJOY YOUR HONEYMOON SEX PERIOD.
– Maybe My Priorities Are Not Right

That was way too many sentences for no payoff of any kind. Why did I even include this letter?

**********

What is the best sex position in your opinion? A simple question, yet I would think it to be quite informative for many men.
–SSB

There is no “best.” It’s a personal preference guided by what most turns an individual on and/or what feels the best. In some cases, it can be different from partner to partner, depending on what gives you a view (or grasp) of your partner’s best body part or how tight her pussy is. Or the reverse: us fellas all have different-sized wangs, so different positions may work to get a particular lady off from guy to guy. Find an angle that works, and enjoy it. Results may  vary.

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Dear KSK,
My girlfriend of about three years’ lease is expiring. While I’m accepting of her moving into my two bedroom apt with me and my buddy, I don’t want to give a sign that this means a marriage proposal is forthcoming. I’m sure the next step will be that her and I get our own place while she attends graduate school.

She and I. If you are consistently confused by whether to use him/her versus he/she, get rid of the other article (in this case, “I”). Her is not going to attend graduate school, is her? No, her wouldn’t do that. She can, though.

While I can envision myself marrying this lady, I don’t want to all of a sudden look back and wonder where the hell my mid-20s went. Any best practices?
Thanks and cheers-
Norv Turner’s face craters

Two things here. Number 1: Even if you’ve got a chill roommate, adding a third person to a two-bedroom apartment is throwing a GIGANTIC FUCKING WRENCH into your lives. Sure, maybe your girlfriend is already spending four or five nights a week in your bedroom, so what’s the big deal? The big deal is not just two nights — it’s ALL the time. Every morning, every evening after work (or class), all day on the weekends. There’s a gigantic divide between “we get along great all the time” to ACTUALLY living together. It’s a difficult adjustment to make for two people in love; I can’t even imagine roping a bystander into the mix. Again, I don’t how close you and your roommate are, but my gut instinct is that it’s a terrible idea.

Number 2: As someone who’s lived in New York City for seven years, I’ve seen a LOT of couples move in together because someone’s lease expired and moving in together was the sensible thing to do financially. As in, convenience and dollars drove the decision rather than a burning love and a desire to live together in the same small apartment. These relationships generally go one of two ways: (1) an ugly break-up followed by months of living with each other because they’re both on the lease and neither can afford the place by themselves, or (2) years and years of living together, with the woman expecting and expecting a proposal but never getting one because the man feels trapped, which in turn results in the woman snapping and laying down an ultimatum as her internal clock winds down, which in turn leads to either an unhappy marriage or a broken, barren, lonely woman. All to save a couple hundred bucks on rent. Fuck that.

Now, I’m not trying to piss all over your relationship. Maybe your girlfriend IS the love of your life and your future wife. Remember: I’m just a stranger on the internet who doesn’t know anything about you aside from your occasionally shaky grammar. But you said something telling in your email: “While I’m accepting of her moving in…” She shouldn’t move in when you accept it. She should move in when you WANT it. You should BOTH want it, and you should do it without a third party being trapped inside the same walls.

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Hey CC,
FOOTBALL: Season’s over, but I DID finish 12 points away from my first ever championship… To a guy who just joined this year. I hope his car breaks down in a bad neighborhood.

That’s not so bad. Street toughs are more likely to have jobs as mechanics or tow truck operators. Maybe they’ll help him out.

SEX: Not so much sex, but I do have some wedding questions. I was named my buddy’s ‘best man’ the other week (suck it, my other friends) and am pretty damn excited about it. But my problem doesn’t lie with the bachelor party or the speech (which at the time being I am terrified about) but the fact that I’m single… And for that matter have never had a girlfriend (24). I’m sure I could probably get a girl friend of mine to cover my ass and go with me, but if I can’t, it is normal for the best man to go stag?
-Can’t Find a Better Man

It’s normal for ANYONE to go stag to a wedding. If anything, it’s more sensible to go stag as best man/groomsman, because then you don’t have a date sitting by herself while you’re up in the wedding party. Hell, give a thoughtful, touching, funny speech, and you may get your choice of bridesmaids.

**********

Dear KSK,
I wrote in about a year ago when I started dating a guy (February 2011, no need to re-link to it) and was dealing with being a horribly insecure person. Your advice and the commenters was helpful, so I thought I’d write in again. Its been almost a year since we started dating, and I’m happy to report that things are still going well, but for one small concern in bed. However, I can’t seem to get him to take the lead – either initiate sex or propose new things. Its always me starting stuff off, or proposing something different. Our sex is fantastic, but I want to sometimes be able to sit back and let him take the lead without feeling like a horny teenage boy always trying to get in his pants. Any advice for ways to get someone to take the lead without feeling like a nag or having to feign being totally disinterested in sex so they take a hint?
Thanks again
Football Loving Homo

The “my partner never initiates sex” is a staple of the mailbag that’s never fun to answer, because there’s not a straightforward solution. It’s in that shitty, nuanced area of a relationship that can only be solved by frank, open communication — and a lot of times, it only results in a temporary resolution before backsliding to the unsatisfying status quo. So have a serious talk to your boyfriend about it, and of course couch it in the delicate terminology: “I’ve noticed that…” “What can I do to help resolve this?” All that shit.

Oh, and be sexier.

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Dear Purveyors of Poon,
Fantasy: I’m in a keeper league where we have to give up a pick two rounds ahead of where that player was drafted. You go with Beeth Moder (give up an 8th) or Demarco Murray (11th)? It might also be worth noting we have a two-year limit on keepers and I kept the Rainbow Taster last year.

I’d lean toward Lynch, but I’m an unapologetic homer who has faith in a strong 2012 for Beast Mode (stabilized O-line, steadily improved offense). Murray was awesome for a stint this season, but I don’t know enough about the Cowboys’ plans or his injury history to give him my full vote of confidence. I’m sure Murray would be a great keeper; I’m just ignorant of the details I need and I don’t feel like looking them up.

Sex: my wife is a little upset because she bought me a TV for Christmas, and I bought her a bunch of accessories for her new car. She’s not super pissed or anything, but she’s been a little cunty about the much-higher cost of my gift. My rationale: we have joint accounts and she’s going to use the TV as much, if not more than me. I’ll admit I wanted the TV, but I only watch sports and news, whereas she records all kinds of retarded shit. Who’s the asshole here?
-Jortbutt McBananapants

Both of you. Go fuck it out.

**********

O Captain! My Captain!
This is sort of a “getting over someone” submission, but not quite what I’ve seen in the mailbags I’ve read (most of them). I was with a girl for about 10 years, the last 3 on and off. We lived together and were really close to engagement twice. First time she bolted (for someone else, long story), second time I bailed. That was the final breakup; about 15 months ago.

Since then I have generally followed you standard regimen of worry about yourself, work out, meet new people, have fun, etc. I’ve done all that. I haven’t had any contact with her in over 6 months. I’ve lost close to 50 lb in the past 3 years and am in the best shape of my life. I have a ton of really fun, interesting new friends. Work is fantastic. Basically life could not be better right now, I am the 1%.

But my heart’s not in it. The few times I’ve tried to have a relationship in the past year, I’ve either nitpicked to death some small flaw, or just generally became bored within weeks. At this point I’ve gotten pretty apathetic to the idea of meeting women, and having fun in general. The past few months my friends and family have both commented on me being more withdrawn and introverted. I spent the new years alone watching TV, blowing off friends that were begging me to come to come out.

At this point I’m just wondering if the end of this relationship, even though it’s been over a year is still affecting me. I sort of figured I’d have moved on for the most part at this point. Granted, I am 30, and she was basically my life during my formative 20s. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
Meh…

Don’t be alarmed, you’re normal. Maybe a little depressed, but then, who isn’t? That’s what happens when you go through a break-up: this thing that was a part of you — whether good or bad, loved or cancerous — is ripped out of you, and you walk around feeling less than whole. So the working out and improving yourself regimen that I encourage is all about getting your mind off of your sadness.

But what goes unsaid about the post-breakup period is this: you’re putting on an act. You go out with your friends and pretend to have a good time and sleep with new people because that’s what you’re supposed to do, but your heart’s not in it. But you keep doing it: keep going out, keep trying to date people, keep working on bettering yourself, and after a couple months or a year or three years, you realize that you’re not pretending to have fun, but actually having fun. After forcing yourself to date other people you’re not totally into, eventually you find someone that you DO sincerely like. Scars take time to heal.

That said, you’re 30 and single and you stayed in on New Year’s because you’re feeling apathetic? Fuck you. I mean, if you need to go see a licensed therapist and get some depression meds, get some depression meds. But I’m not a licensed therapist; I’m someone who actively made a decision to be stronger than my collection of problems and mistakes, of which there are many. So whether it means pulling yourself up by the emotional bootstraps or seeking out professional therapy, get your shit together. Get out and live your one shot at life while you’re still young, or fuck off. The world is fresh out of sympathy.

For once, I’m opening the mailbag with a fantasy football topic. Commenter Upstate Underdog emailed with a terrifying prospect for Aaron Rodgers owners:

Do I start Rodgers this week? I’m sure I’m not the only person pulling their hair out over this. Do I start Fitzpatrick or roll the dice and hope SF beats Seattle therefore forcing Rodgers to play. If the Niners lose there’s a good chance Rodgers sits or only plays one or two quarters since GB will have secured the #1 seed. I hate fantasy football and really wish the SF/Seattle game was being played on Thursday night.

As a Seahawks fan who needs big games from both Rodgers and Marshawn Lynch to have any hope in the fantasy championship, all I have to say is, “GUHHHHHHHHHHHH.” I don’t even have a backup quarterback on my team any more. I am 100% screwed. If the world works the way it always does, the Seahawks will win this week, prompting Rodgers to play half a game so I lose the fantasy championship (one year after his Week 14 concussion knocked me out of the playoffs. What a jerk!). I’ll console myself by telling myself that at least the Seahawks can make the playoffs, then they’ll lose in Week 17. Heartbreak always goes to 11.

Let’s get to our questions:

Hi Matt,
FF: I don’t play fantasy football. I would, but past experience has shown that I’m inadequate in even consistently picking winners in a college football pick-em league. If I played fantasy football, I would surely fail to change my lineup every week and I’d probably still have someone like Philip Rivers starting every week. So I take this opportunity to ask you to share with us how your teams did FOR THE SECOND WEEK IN A ROW!

How to get your question into the mailbag: UNLOCKED. Here ya go:

• MuffCunt Vaginapussy had a solid performance in the semifinals but lost because my opponent got huge outputs from Donald Brown and the Seahawks defense. Not exactly the players you expect to sink you. I’ve got a tough matchup in the third-place game this week.
• Juggalo Baby Funeral, which I talked about above, won despite keeping Brett Celek (21.6 points) on the bench in favor of Brandon Pettigrew (4.9). I HATE YOU PETTIGREW. I will now face Christmas Ape’s heavily favored team in the championship game of the KSK Blogger League.

Sex: I live with my fiancee. Love it, she’s great, I’m very happy. The one thing I’m struggling with is we go grocery shopping together every week on either Saturday or Sunday. I would prefer she do this alone and I would agree to do any number of duties at home while she’s away in order to keep our place clean. I hate grocery shopping, and the fact that she prefers a nearby Fred Meyer is exacerbated by the fact that it is the holiday shopping season and parking/grocery aisles are overcrowded. I think that she likes us to do the activity together, and I haven’t come right out and asked her to do it alone. Any thoughts on a tactful way to do this? Thanks.
Tip-toeing In Tranquility (heehee, boobs)

Well, it’s too late to do anything about it this week, TIT. You can’t stand on the precipice of the holiday shopping rush and say, “Oh by the way you’re doin’ this shit alone.” You have to bite the bullet this one last time. After you survive holiday hell, then you can propose doing other chores in lieu of going grocery shopping with her. And the best way to do it is to just be direct. “Honey, I have a confession. I really don’t like grocery shopping, and I never told you until now because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings…” Et cetera. If you’re gonna spend the rest of your life with her, you’re going to have to be honest and upfront about shit that’s a lot more difficult to broach than Fred Meyer.

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Seasons Greetings to El Capitan,
Fantasy: I’m out of the playoffs and in the grossly unsatisfying consolation bracket. What’s the etiquette here in regards to picking up players off waivers? I picked up Felix Jones after Murray went on the IR and my buddy, who’s in the playoffs and wanted Felix, called this a “douchebag move.” Is it douchebaggy to continue to pick up players off waivers once your games have no relevance?

Fuck what your buddy says. You play to win whether you’re in the playoffs or consolation bracket or whatever else. Tell him to stop acting like a bleeding vagina.

Sex: I recently graduated college and am now going to grad school. I have become pretty good friends with a guy (Fred) in my program that used to date a girl (Betty) who I went to high school and college with. Before grad school, Fred and I knew each other only through her since she would come to our parties and bring Fred. He broke up with Betty before grad school (about 4 months ago, after dating for 3-4 years) and, according to him, they’re still friends, text frequently, etc. Fast forward to last night where I was at the bar with some friends, not Fred, and we see Betty there and she and her friends joined our group. Betty and I were talking a lot (more than I had ever spoken to her in my life) and mostly about Fred/grad school. Apparently I was saying the right things because she ended up asking if I wanted to go back to her apartment and drink more. I obliged and, long story short, ended up banging her/sleeping over. Now I don’t know what to do next. I’m really not interested in dating this girl and as far as I could tell she’s on the same page so that’s not really the issue. Do I tell Fred what happened? I feel guilty for doing his ex-girlfriend and I feel like telling him would release the guilt. Or do I just bury it and hope he never finds out? I have no idea how he’d react if I did tell him, if he’d get pissed or if he’d not care at all. I’m leaning towards not saying anything, but then if he does find out about it somehow, possibly from her, that could make the situation even worse. I swear this isn’t just a brag-post about how awesome I am for getting laid, if anything it’s how much of a douchebag I am for sexing a good friend’s ex-girlfriend. Any advice here would be greatly appreciated.
-Douchebag Fantasy Owner/Ex-GF Fucker

This is a tough one. I think a lot of it depends on how close of a friend Fred is. Because he and Betty aren’t dating, you’re not strictly obligated to tell him. It’s your private life, you know?

At the same time, he DID date Betty for 3-4 years, and their breakup WAS relatively recent, and they ARE still in close contact, and she IS the reason you met Fred in the first place… All of that, to me, suggests that you should tell him, and sooner rather later. Better that he hear it from you than her (or from someone else). Just be upfront and somewhat nonchalant about it. “Hey man, I know you and Betty aren’t dating any more, but I thought you should know that I drunkenly hooked up with her last week. We were both wasted, and it’s not gonna happen again, but I thought you should know.”

Another thing to consider: Betty may have hooked up with you (at least in part) to hurt Fred. 63% of women are evil to the core. It’s science.

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Dear Dick Jokes,
FF: I finished just out of my fantasy playoffs, so this question concerns my keeper league. I am allowed to keep up to three players, and when it became obvious I was not making the playoffs, I started dealing for possible keepers. Keepers are kept in the round they are selected. So am I asking which of these (pick three) gives me the most value: Megatron (2nd round) Colston (5th round) Dez (4th round) Beanie (7th round) Mathews (5th round) or Aaron Hernandez (last round).

I am going to end up with a top 6 pick (out of 12) so I’m leaning towards keeping all three wideouts and selecting running backs in round 1 and round 3, but Beanie has pretty good value as a 7th rounder.

I think that could be a really good team, but if it were me, I’d keep Megatron, Beanie, and Hernandez. Jimmy Graham and Lance Moore have lessened Colston’s value this year, and the emergence of Laurent Robinson has done the same with Dez. While I still think Colston and Dez could be solid fantasy performers, I’d rather have those 4th and 5th rounders freed up to give me more flexibility in my decision-making come draft day.

Sex: I’ve been seeing this girl for a month. We get along very well, sex is good and I like her. She has also stated that she likes me. Things were going well and then this past Tuesday she abruptly freaks out. She was at a school play for one of her students and her ex-boyfriend was there. The reason she freaked is because she broke up with him (after a year) because she didn’t want a relationship and now she has decided to apply that logic to our relationship. She doesn’t want to be in a “relationship” but she wants to keep seeing me. Am I being an idiot with this? I really like this girl.

Her logic makes sense–she’s afraid to hurt me in the future by ending this abruptly so she doesn’t know if we should continue. I countered with this logic: we are having tons of fun now. Let’s keep having fun because I will regret it if we quit now instead of ending it later. Any advice you can throw my way would be much appreciated.
Thanks again,
Treading Water–sexy water

So she wants to keep fucking, but she doesn’t want a relationship? Write in again when you have a problem.

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Dear gentlemen perverts,
My team’s already fucked; time to start thinking about next season. Which keeper (cost) scenario seems best to you: Blount (rd 14), DeMarco Murray (rd 12), or Beef Moe (rd 7)? I feel like this is a personal preference kinda choice, but i trust your preferences for some reason.

All three of those guys are great values at those rounds. I’d keep Lynch, because I’m a homer and he’s carried fantasy my team since Matt Forte went down. Also because I’m a homer, I expect Lynch to have a great season next year, because he’s still young and Tom Cable has done wonders with the Seahawks O-line this season. Nevertheless, Blount and Murray are excellent values for double-digit rounds.

Sex: the girlfriend is NOT cool with porn. At all. She gets pissed if I leave KSK up and you just posted sexy friday (back when you still did that regularly). Is this acceptable girlfriend behavior and should i capitulate; or is this fightworthy?
Sincerely,
Wants to Beat the Meat

It’s not even fight-worthy. I’d toss that chick overboard. Fire her from a catapult over the horizon. Push her out of a moving car, whatever it takes to get out of that relationship.

Now, at its reductive worst, my position is morally indefensible: “You’re choosing PORN over ME?!?!?” your insecure girlfriend might shriek. Well, yeah. Because she’s forcing you to choose.

Here’s the deal: your girlfriend likes you. She wants you to like her. Because she’s insecure, she interprets you looking at women on the Internet as a sign that she’s not satisfying you, or that she’s not sexy enough to hold your interest. As men, you and I know that that’s fucking insane. We like looking at sexy women because looking at sexy women never gets old and we never want to stop doing it as long as we live. It doesn’t mean we can’t love just one woman. But some combination of gender programming and societal influence makes a lot of women exceptionally sensitive to stuff like that. And I will tell you straight from experience: DO NOT DATE THOSE WOMEN.

It’s 2011. Porn is a reality. It is clicks away on any computer with an Internet connection. It’s on your phone (“there’s an app for that”). Its ubiquity has changed the way men masturbate, and its accessibility means that there’s a younger generation of men — and women — who view sex in a completely different way than people who are just a few years older (When I was 10, I thought sex was like Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis in Top Gun. I fear to think what 10-year-olds can discover today). All of this makes relationships more difficult than they were just ten fifteen years ago. That’s tough shit for all of us, but it’s the price we pay for being able to play Words With Friends while we poop.

Bottom line: your girlfriend is punishing you for Pandora’s box getting opened. I suppose it might be worth trying to have a mature conversation with her to change her mind about all of this, but I’d rather break up with the controlling harpy and date someone cool.

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Sergeant Neanderthal,
Fantasy: Lost in the first round of the playoffs on a stat correction. Always fun.

DAT’S GOTTA HOIT.

Sex: Just got out of a long term relationship and moving back to my hometown. So I started googling ex-girlfriends, naturally. I found out that one who was particularly attractive is living in my hometown and working for a wine distributor. We dated in college (about 5 years ago), but it was mostly filled with a lack of communication and alcohol like most college relationships. I got blackout drunk and started being really mean and yelled at her for no reason. She rightfully dumped me the next morning. I was apologetic and she understood that it was the booze talking and not me, so it didn’t end on terrible terms. We even ran into each other at a bar a couple months after graduation and she was being mad flirty and saying how she thinks about me, but I was dating someone at the time so I ignored it. How do I go about contacting her to see what she’s up to (if she’s single)? She doesn’t have facebook and I don’t have her phone number anymore. But, from the simple google search I have her work email and the schedule of where she does wine tastings around town. I’d really like to see her again and see if she still thinks about me, but I want to minimize the creepy factor as much as possible. Any ideas?
Sincerely,
What The Fuck Is A Stat Correction Anyway

Ahhhh, the wonders of the internet. Helping us stalk people with ever-increasing ease.

You have two options. You can drop in on one of her wine tastings and act like it’s a coincidence, or you can email her and say you looked her up online because you’re back in town and would like to see her. Ironically, the latter option — in which you admit to e-stalking — is somehow LESS stalker-ish. Yay technology!

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To Those Who Might Care,
Fantasy First: My question has to do with keepers, next season is the first year we can pick up to three keepers but can’t keep more than one in any position. Whoever you pick, you lose that draft pick in the next draft, I have an idea of who I want to keep but just wanted you opinion, the draft pick I’d lose is in parentheses. Stafford (11th), Foster (1st), Nicks (6th), Larry Fitzgerald (2nd), Jordy Nelson (10th). I’m leaning towards Stafford, Foster and Nicks only because I’d have three of my most important positions mainly filled. Thoughts?

Agreed. Tough to drop Fitty but the value for Nicks in the 6th round is undeniable.

Sex Second: I had been dating my girlfriend for 5 years and I took the leap and asked her to marry me, she said yes!

Congratulations!

And then two months later she broke off the engagement because she wasn’t sure that she wanted to actually get married or not.

Un-gratulations!

I took it hard and It caused us to break up in 2010. Fast forward to 2011 when we got back together and everything was going very well, until about August. In 2010 I made a lot of new friends, and a lot of those friends turned out to be female. Well when we go out to the local bars in our city I see a lot of those females and they come and talk to me and shoot the shit. I’m faithful and I’d never cheat, but she’s jealous and it turned into a big enough fight that we broke up once again.

We AGAIN have tried to work on things and lately they’ve been great, but we still get into nasty fights about the stupidest things.

This chick sounds like a real delight.

My questions is, am I an idiot for trying to fix things with her,

Yes.

or should I just cut my losses and end it before it gets worse again?

Also yes.

I think the reason why we come back to each other is that comfort factor that we have with each other, but then again that’s just my theory on it.
Thanks for any help you can give me,
Retardo Montalban

That sounds like an extremely obvious and correct theory to me.

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Season’s Greetings El Capitan,
Fantasy First: I made it to the final for the first time this year, largely due to the Dreamboat and a stupid scoring system that wildly overvalues the QB position. I also got lucky with some good value WRs and Jimmy Graham. I’m pretty pleased with the result, especially given I live on the other side of the world (a major impediment to optimal line-up setting as I can’t respond to late changes). Also, I only started following the sport last year and I don’t really know dick about it, hence the vagueness of my question. I need to start 4 out of Jordy Nelson (CHI), Steve Smith (TB), Hakeem Nicks (NYJ), AJ Green (ARI), Mike Williams (@CAR) and Jeremy Maclin (@DAL). Also, either BJGE (MIA) or DeAngelo Williams (TB) as a second RB. Projected points for all are virtually identical so I defer to your superior knowledge, oh great one.

At WR, Smith, Green, and Nicks are all obvious starts. Bench Mike Williams. Between Nelson and Maclin… I dunno. Yahoo projects them for almost identical numbers, and Chicago and Dallas have similarly effective pass defenses. I’d give the nod to Jordy because he’s playing at home in a more potent offense. Also because I’m racist.

At running back, I’d go with DeAngelo. The Bucs run defense is awful.

P.S. I promise not to blame you if your advice causes me to lose like that asshole from the other week.

Thank you. Maybe my advice will be right for once!

Sex (or more accurately, life advice): I apologise in advance for the long story, but the details are largely necessary. My best friend of the last decade or so has fibromyalgia. For those without a medical degree or the desire to google it, effectively it means your nervous system is royally fucked. Constant pain signals are sent for no real reason, chronic fatigue, inability to sleep, among other delightful effects. As a result, his house is a veritable cornucopia of opiates, benzos, and other drugs I’m not even aware of.

Awesome! Except not really, what with the constant pain and insomnia.

His tolerance has increased to the point where he is injecting his pain meds instead of using them as intended. It’s a complicated situation because he genuinely needs the pain relief, but he’s travelling down a very dangerous path.

A path that was trail blazed by Michael Jackson. Yikes.

As if that wasn’t shitty enough, his girlfriend has begun to do the same, only without any medical need. She is such a sweet, caring and otherwise functional person that I can’t stand to see her dragged into the mire of opiate abuse. On a recent visit, he dosed himself, then her, then promptly passed out. He is a big dude with a high tolerance who can handle his drugs so I wasn’t overly concerned about it. I made sure he was still breathing and all was well. She is tiny and significantly less resilient so I was fairly concerned when she started to nod off, her breathing slowed and her pulse was weak. After a period of feeding her sugary things, talking constantly and slapping her face to keep her awake she recovered to the point that I was no longer considering calling an ambulance. After I stopped shitting myself in fear and she became cognisant, we talked until the sun came up about ourselves, our relationship history and where our lives have taken us. I’d known her for a while, but this was the first time we had really connected, and at some point *Record Scratch* I realised I had a massive crush on her.

Hoo boy.

They have since decided to take a ‘long break’. I have no intention of interfering if it is indeed just a break, but in my experience a break is the beginning of the end. I would like to stay in touch with her for platonic reasons in the meantime, but I think he might get the wrong idea about my intentions. (Perhaps because it would, on some level, be the right idea). Am I an asshole for considering her a potential prospect at all, even if I wait until well after a final break up? It doesn’t help that she is not the kind to stay single for very long, so there may be a finite window of opportunity. Is there any way to handle this situation that won’t result in heartbreak, a ruined friendship or both?
– Probably a Terrible Person

Nope! I’d recommend standing by your friend, as your feelings for his girlfriend are intensified by the fact that you nursed her back from an opiated stupor and conducted your long conversation in the small hours before dawn. That kind of shit makes a connection feel more electric than what it would have been otherwise. There are a lot more potential mates in the world than there are best friends.

One of the most compelling people to ever write into the mailbag is Hotwheelz (real name: Raul), the muscular dystrophy-afflicted young man who’s maintained a positive and humorous outlook despite writing the saddest letter we’ve ever seen. Confined to a wheelchair, he ran game on women by dressing up as Stephen Hawking for Halloween. If his story doesn’t move you, you’re dead inside and I hate you.

And just when he’s long overdue for a break, the state of California has stripped him of the medical care he needs to make a life for himself. He writes:

Hello guys, I know you don’t usually do non-football stuff, but I could really use your help right now. I’m involved in a battle with the state of California over my nursing hours. Basically, they cut my healthcare funding when I turned 21 because I was officially an adult. We appealed the decision, but lost the case and have been denied a rehearing. I’ve started a petition in order to fight back and hopefully get their decision overturned. I was hoping you guys could help me get signatures by linking it on your site and/or hooking me up with any media contacts you might have. You can find the petition here along with more detailed information about the case. I understand you guys are a football site, but this would be a tremendous help. Hope y’all have a great night.

You can watch his speech at Occupy San Diego above for the full story, but all you really need to do is go to Change.org and sign his petition. It’s incredibly easy and takes almost zero effort from you. Seriously, it takes less than a minute. Do it right now. The faster he gets to a thousand signatures, the sooner I’ll post the full mailbag. Thanks.

Hello and welcome to a particularly robust mailbag; I promise the Bear Patrol image will make sense farther into the column.

Once again, because it’s the fantasy playoffs, we got far too many submission to include everyone’s submissions, so I apologize to everyone whose emails weren’t included. I promise I still love you. Let’s jump right in:

Dear Captain Kringle,
Fantasy First: I’ve had a good season so far. I went up against Aaron Rodgers in both leagues last week and was lucky enough to advance thanks to his sub-par performance. Here’s my question – I’m in a 1/2-point PPR league and I need to settle on who to start as my Flex out of this sack of mediocrity: Maurice Morris @OAK, C.J. Spiller vs.MIA, Doug Baldwin @CHI, Early Doucet vs.CLE, Malcolm Floyd vs.BAL, Torrey Smith @SD or JerMichael Finley @KC. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

This season a buddy and I talked about how we had benches full of useless third-tier guys competing for that last flex spot, and no matter who you picked, SOMEONE ELSE would score that touchdown while on the bench. The prototypical useless fantasy breakout is everyone you just mentioned plus guys like Jerome Simpson, Deion Branch, and any wideout on the Saints besides Marques Colston. Maybe they’ll have 100 yards and touchdown! Maybe a complete donut! Probably two catches for 29 yards! Fucking terrible, all of them.

Anyway, with a group like you’ve got, I’d lean towards the guys who are most talented and the most likely to get touches. I’d go with Spiller (touches) or Finley (talented guy in a great offense [even though his donut tried to fuck me out of the playoffs last week]).

Sex: What’s the cutoff of enjoying post-relationship hookups with no desire whatsoever of diving back into the relationship? Me and my former lady broke up a while back but we’ve continued to enjoy some no-strings-attached (allegedly) fun. A mutual friend told me that I should break it off completely because the only reason she is fooling around with me is because she’s hoping to rekindle whatever we had. I asked the ex about this (without mentioning the friend) and she said that she has no ulterior motives and she’s just having fun. Should I believe the ex or the friend? Am I dick for prolonging this as long as possible? I have no desire to get back with her but I’m also not a fan of turning down free tail.
–In Gronkowski We Trust!

Personally, I think the magic number is two for post-breakup hook-ups. That’s the sweet spot between “Wait! I’m not done fucking this person!” and “We’re basically back together.”

I understand where you’re coming from: sex with someone you have an established naked rapport with is great. But no-strings sex is an unsustainable situation even IF you don’t have a previous relationship: eventually, someone develops feelings or wants to fuck someone else. And either of those result in hurt feelings (best case scenario) or hacked email accounts and vindictive ex-girlfriends giving explicit details to senior military officers at your previous duty station (hello, awful personal experience!).

Bottom line is this: if EITHER you or your ex doesn’t want a relationship with the other person, you’re BOTH best served by moving on to other people.

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El Capitan,
So, football first.  I have Marshawn Lynch at Chicago (which shut down Denver’s run offense (mostly) this week) or Steven Jackson vs. Cincinnati at home.  Who would you take?

As a fellow Marshawn Lynch owner (not to mention Seahawks fan), I’m concerned about the matchup in Chicago, especially given Tarvaris Jackson’s inability to be a passing threat and general shittiness. However, the last time I benched Lynch because he was playing away versus a tough run defense, he had 135 yards and a touchdown against the Cowboys. Then I kept him on the bench against the Ravens (because RAVENS DEFENSE), and he had 167 combined yards and a touchdown. That’s when I decided I was going to start Marshawn every week.

Also, I’ve recently been seeing an amazing girl.  She’s hot, funny, interesting and rich.  Oh, and she loves anal sex.  There’s one thing that complicates matters, though.

She’s a pre-op transsexual.

Probably a deal-breaker for me. But if you’re happy, good on ya.

Now, I have no problem with it.  She doesn’t want me to touch her penis, and when we go out together nobody would think that she’s not a genetic woman.  But, it’s getting to the point where I introduce her to my friends.  Normally, I wouldn’t give a shit, but is it bad to have the rep as the guy who hooks up with the tranny? Will I be able to hook up with genetic women again, or will I be forever pigeonholed as someone who hooks up with trannies?  Basically, I like women, and I like this girl, but I don’t want to be trannyfucker forever.

Sincerely,
Kinsey Scale

You just said that “nobody would think that she’s not a genetic woman.” So how would you get a rep as “the guy who hooks up with the tranny”? These are the kinds of questions I ask when it’s the fantasy playoffs and I suspect that some people might be inclined to make up something crazy just to get some half-assed fantasy advice.

However, I don’t like being cynical about the veracity of submissions, so I’ll answer your question as such. And that is this: if you are attracted to a woman because she is hot and interesting and rich and loves anal sex, congratulations, you’re a heterosexual man with good taste. If you’re attracted to that woman because she has a penis, then you’re a man who likes — and I’m quoting the internet here — chicks with dicks. If you have male friends, they are entitled to razz you for that.

None of this, however, settles the sometimes complicated spectra of sexual identity and sexuality. Example:

If I were a single man who met this Dutch woman and she wanted to have anal sex with me, I’d be all HELLZ YEAH. The catch? She’s actually a dude modeling a push-up bra. Now, if you’re cool with that kind of discovery, I commend your open-mindedness (I’m a close-minded square in that regard).

The fact that you have sex with a tranny doesn’t make you gay or ALL TIME TRANNY FUCKER NO GENETIC WOMEN EVER. Frankly, if you’re comfortable enough to have sex with a woman who has a penis, you shouldn’t need this explained to you.

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Dear Bear Fuckers:

Don’t judge our love!

Football first: BIG game this week. At flex, should I use Frank Gore@PIT, LeGarrette Blount@DAL, Marion Barber@SEA, or Laurent Robinson@TB? On one hand I could go with Gore because he’s a superstar playing at home on MNF and PIT won’t have James Harrison, but on the other hand he’s been eating shit lately. My gut says to play Barber because he put up major numbers last week, although he did have some crucial mental errors. There’s also Robinson clouding things with his 6 consecutive games with TDs, but Miles Austin is back to steal catches from him. Blount is a chode. What say ye?

I think you’re safe playing Gore, Barber, or Robinson. I put Robinson on the bench last week because I was concerned about his questionable status and the return of Miles Austin, and he promptly punished me by putting up 137 yards and a TD. Not only is he healthy, but he’s supplanted Jason Witten as Tony Romo’s red zone binky. At this point, Robinson is like Marshawn Lynch or the Broncos: unsustainable models of success, but I don’t want to be the first guy off the bandwagon.

That said, I think Marion Barber is the safest bet. True, Frank Gore is the more talented running back and Pittsburgh has its weaknesses, but Seattle is especially susceptible on the road and you can count on MBIII getting plenty of touches as the Bears try to keep the ball away from both Marshawn Lynch and Caleb Hanie. And yeah, Barber was Least of the week, but he still ran for 108 yards and a touchdown. Not a bad fantasy play.

Relationship: In 2 weeks I’m meeting my girlfriend’s parents for the first time. She’s very special, so I want to make a great first impression. I know how to behave properly and not come off like a retard or a jerk, but do you have any special tips or interesting stories about meeting, and dealing with, past girlfriends’ parents?
Sincerely,
Governor Fuckhead

One of the benefits of being a college graduate who served as a combat Marine is that older adults aren’t inclined to question my judgment. So if you can retroactively serve your country in an elite branch of the military during wartime without getting killed or having your legs blown off, definitely do that. Fathers never want anyone to fuck their daughters, but they’re more forgiving if you’re a war hero.

However, military service isn’t for everyone, and we can’t all dodge bullets for a living, so that means you may have to impress your girl’s parents using things like “character” and “maturity” and “job prospects after college.” So be confident! Respect yourself. Be assured in your conversations with the prospective in-laws. And above all else, make it clear that you care about your girlfriend’s happiness. Not exactly rocket science, but something that young men apparently fuck up on the regular.

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Dear Captain Caveman,
Long time reader, first time writer. Despite your admonitions to the contrary, I am convinced that you are, in fact, a fantasy/sex expert.

Keep reading. Other folks don’t share that sentiment.

Fantasy first: I need to pick 3 between Bowe (v. GB), S. Smith (@ Hou), Spiller (v. Mia), McFadden (v. Det, if he plays), and Santana Moss (@ NYG). For reference, my league is PPR, and also gives .5 point per carry (we also give 1 point per completion, which results in inflated point totals but is far superior than standard scoring at assigning value to players. However, that’s a discussion for another time).

Superior my ass, that shit is wack.

Nevertheless, given that system, I think your best choices are Spiller and Steve Smith — they ‘re the most likely to get touches and yards, in my retarded opinion.

Sex: even bigger problems here than with my suddenly decimated RB corps. I have no sex drive. I’m in a loving relationship (almost 5 years now) with my girlfriend, and have no desire to have sex with her. The problem is bigger than that however, as I don’t have a desire to have sex with anyone or anything else either. My girlfriend essentially has to force me to have sex with her, and I’m not sure why since I still find her attractive. I am 25 years old, in good shape, and otherwise healthy. My question is simple: how can I raise my sex drive and get horny again?
sincerely,
the involuntary celibate

This is one of those situations where I IMMEDIATELY recuse myself on grounds of ignorance and recommend that you find yourself a good urologist and/or psychiatrist. A healthy 25-year-old man should be humping inanimate objects if he isn’t getting laid every other day. And I say that as a man who humped a lot of inanimate objects at the age of 25.

**********

Captain,
How much do you wish your fantasy football advice would disappear as soon as the games started on Sunday?

It never occurs to me at all.

I know you’re not forcing anyone to actually listen to your advice, but doesn’t it bother you knowing you probably ruined some idiot’s (my) day? Let’s look at an example:

“I’d rule out Gore (13.2 pts) because he’s slowing down and Arizona is actually pretty decent against fantasy RBs (8th fewest points allowed). A healthier Shonn Greene (26.2 pts) seems like a decent option against KC, but with .5 PPR I might be more inclined to start all wideouts: Stevie (13.6 pts), Jordy (15.6 pts), and Vincent Jackson (8 pts). Leave that disappointment Colston (26 MOTHERFUCKING POINTS) on the bench.”

I played Stevie and left “that disappointment Colston on the bench” and lost by 3 points, eliminating me from the playoffs. I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve made some bad fantasy coaching errors in the past, but at the same time I have no problem at all placing the blame for my season-ending loss squarely on your shoulders. I don’t know how you can sleep at night.
Bill

To answer your question: no, it doesn’t bother me at all that your day was ruined.

If I strip away your pithy sarcasm and take your email at face value, you asked me to help you choose three players from a list of six. Two of the three players I recommended had strong performances. Two of the three I didn’t recommend had excellent games that were outliers given previous performance this season. If were to be completely objective and rely on my usual tenets of fantasy advice, I might regret not recommending Colston (because I’m inclined to favor A-list talent over matchups). However, as a Colston owner, I would have relished the opportunity to bench that sonofabitch for Stevie Johnson or even Shonn Greene. I don’t have that luxury on my injury-plagued team, and so I benefited from Colston’s great game and made it to the next round of the playoffs. Tough titty for you, a long overdue lucky break for me.

Generally speaking, I welcome a critique of my advice, because I think it’s fair that people see how shoddy (or occasionally decent) it is. Nevertheless, I’m pretty open about the fact that I’m just a guy with a laptop and an internet connection. If you’re serious about me costing you a shot at the fantasy football playoffs, I’m happy to refund the exorbitant fee that I charge every emailer. Entirely my fault, sir.

**********

Dear sirs or madams,
Fantasy first: Second week of the playoffs, start 3 wr’s: Torrey Smith @SD, Julio Jones JAX, Miles Austin @TB, Antonio Brown @SF, Kevin Walter Car.

As a Julio Jones owner, I know that it’s a stressful pain in the ass waiting for a long TD pass to happen before his hamstring snaps. Still, I think he’s a quality play over the rest of your choices. As for the other two… yeesh. Torrey Smith? Miles Austin? Fuck me, man, just roll the dice and hope for the best.

Love: I am long distance dating a girl, but this question isn’t really about that, so spare the “get out of this relationship, and fast.” The other day, we were talking about sexy time and whatnot, and she mentioned that she would like to hook up with a girl if the situation arose to get out “sexual energy.” She has made it clear that this would be a 1 time thing, and that she has been dreaming a lot about having sex with girls recently, so she wants to get it out of her system.

I have really no clue how to approach this. While it is awesome to have a girlfriend who is so open to trying new things, I definitely feel kind of emasculated and don’t want this to mess up our relationship. Am I crazy for saying yes to this? I figure its better she gets it out with a meaningless girl than gets drunk some night and cheats on me with a guy.
Thanks,
Klim Dicnar

The traditional, “good-advice” answer is that cheating is cheating regardless of gender. And yet… TWO CHICKS, MAN. I’d allow it if she took pictures or if I got to watch.

(NOTE: This is terrible advice.)

***********

Dear Champinons of my heart,
Football first. I made it to the second round of the playoffs for the first time in three years (small boner). I have a wide reciever problem (not unlike a drinking problem) its either a great time and there is nothing but scoring, or I blackout and puke all over myself. Who do I start out of the three WRs, I like to shoot myself (Palxico), I am a winney bitch (DeSean Jackson), I only like young men throwing me the ball (Nate Washington). Its standard scoring ppr ESPN league.

Roll the dice, at least you can blame chance. Although Washington’s match-up against the horrific Colts is certainly the most tempting to me.

Sexy time: Met a girl awhile ago that is now in a semi relationship long distance (shes never brought him up). I have liked her for awhile but because of extenuating circumstances (an acquaintance dating her awhile back) never had the opportunity to ask her out. Now I have been hanging out/talking to her more often since both of us graduated. Aside from the obvious, she is seeing someone, why would I want to date a girl that would possible cheat on her current boo? The real question is, how much of a bitch am I for agreeing to go see the new Twilight movie with her?

A) Dipshit for seeing one of the most wretched pieces of shit in cinematography history in order to spend some time with her
B) Genius, shows her that I will sit through the equivalent of a buzz-saw to to the groin to spend time with her
C) None of the above, you’re going to fucking Twightlight

On a side note, proof read your fucking emails readers. Ass-hats.
Most graciously,
Peter King = talking dog with down syndrome

No self-respecting man would pay money to watch Twilight. And you’re going to go watch it with a woman who’s NOT your girlfriend with the hope that she will cheat on her boyfriend with you. That may be one of the most ill-conceived plans I’ve ever heard in my entire life.

Also, thank you for the admonition about proofreading emails. On that note:

• Champions, not Champinons.
• receiver, not reciever.
• Plaxico, not Palxico.
• Whiny, not winney.
• It’s, not its, is the correct contraction of “it is.”
• She’s, not shes.
• A while is two words.
• Possibly cheat.
• Twilight, not Twightlight.

**********

Sultans of Snatch–
Wrote in about Pretty Polack and Tiny Dancer a couple months ago.  Good News: that bike ride never happened!  That dude was a completely non-threatening dildo!  Things were totally fine with us!  I met her entire family a week later and they loved me to death!  Bad News: Things *were* totally fine with us.  PP broke up with me a couple weeks later.  It hurt.

It wasn’t really that unexpected; we were still spending an obscene amount of (mostly amazing) time together, but we had started having nasty fights out of the blue, always initiated by her, and the night we broke up concluded with a very healthy conversation.  She said that she really did love me tremendously, that she meant everything she had told me about wanting to end up together eventually, but that getting into an incredibly serious relationship so fresh out of her last one combined with general uncertainty in her life (she had spent the last 6 months trying to find a job and bouncing between friends houses, two things she has since remedied) had started making her resentful, hence the lashing out.  Had some magically depraved breakup sex the next morning, followed by the next couple weeks with her trying to keep initiating conversation via Gchat and the occasional text message to me, things that have now dwindled as a result of my diminishing response.  I’ve made it clear that things are not the same, and that while we ended on good terms, I don’t want to be available to her in the same fashion she grew accustomed to.

Last week we exchanged emails where I explained that I understood where she was coming from, and wanted to encourage her to take however much time she needs to deal with her shit–also emphasizing that while I do hope that someday we could make this work, that whatever is going to happen is going to happen, and I’m going to concentrate on making myself a successful happy person…without her, at least for now.  She responded with an equally heartfelt email stressing that yes, it was a timing issue but she meant what she said about how much she loves me, yes, she does think that compatibility-wise we are nearly perfect and could see herself ending up with me, and that as much as she misses me, she understands me not wanting to be in her life in any capacity less than total.  Still hurts, but at least we’re on the same page.

Here is what I was hoping you could help me with, because I know you’ve been in similar situations: I’m going to try to concentrate on improving myself and moving on and not assuming that she’s going to come back, but…what’s the protocol for the future?  Like, can I wish her a Merry Christmas and stuff like that?  What about her birthday, which is also coincidentally Valentines Day?  Can I get her a present, or do I just stay committed to absolutely not contacting her at all unless she initiates?  What sort of timeline should I abide by before checking in down the road?  3 months? 6 months? Never, unless she reaches to me first?  How do I try to forget about her in the meantime?  I guess what I’m wondering is, with a 24-year old girl who just moved to New York, has been in some heavy relationships and clearly doesn’t have the right timing as much as she admits we’re great together, what the heck (if anything) can I do to maybe someday salvage things?  I know I shouldn’t put the P on a Pedestal but fuck…she’s pretty special to me.  What’s the gameplan?

Yes, you can wish her merry Christmas. Don’t get her a birthday present. Don’t check in with her down the road (looking ahead to contacting her = not moving on). Focus on having sex with other people.

Please take that advice, by the way. No one ever told me, “Focus on having sex with other people.” There’s a finite number of times in your life where that’s sound advice.

Football: my team is wretched and has been long eliminated.  How many more years you think Steve Smith has to be a top-shelf baby puncher, given that Cam seems to bring out the best in him?
At this point I think of you guys like the cool cousins I’ve always wanted,
Big Dicked Bandit

Smith is 32 this season, and of course receivers have much longer shelf lives than running backs. I don’t see why he wouldn’t be good for another two or three years.

**********

Cap’n Caveman,
First time writer, long time reader. Belated congratulations on your engagement. How are your fantasy teams doing? You said before that no one cares, but your fantasy success (or lack thereof) could be pretty good way to gauge the quality of your advice.

Oh my God. It finally happened. SOMEONE ASKED ABOUT MY FANTASY FOOTBALL TEAMS.

I’ll try to be brief, but I understand if everyone just skips down to the next section of bold type:

• Muffcunt Vaginapussy (8-6) is in the playoff semifinals of a 12-team, 2-keeper league. Key injuries: Jamaal Charles, Julio Jones, Adrian Peterson. Best move: getting Sproles and the Lions D late in the draft. Worst move: keeping Charles over LeSean McCoy.
• Juggalo Baby Funeral (10-4) is in the playoff semifinals of a 14-team, 4-keeper league. Key injuries: Kenny Britt, Matt Forte, Sidney Rice. Best moves: trading Ryan Fitzpatrick to Leitch for Dez Bryant; picking up Laurent Robinson off waivers. Worst moves: drafting Reggie Wayne early; starting Brandon Pettigrew almost every week.
• Eagle Globe n Spanker (7-6) narrowly missed the playoffs of a bloated 16-team league that I joined to stay in touch with my old platoon sergeant. I auto-drafted while on vacation and ended up with Sam Bradford and Chad Henne as my quarterbacks. Key injuries: Andre Johnson, LeGarrette Blount, Antonio Gates. Best moves: getting Tim Tebow and Michael Bush off the wire. Worst move: joining a 16-team league.

Football: Made playoffs in all three of my leagues but was promptly eliminated in two of them this past week thanks to Foster’s abysmal week and Murray’s broken ankle.

Oh man, Murray’s injury totally bailed out Muffcunt Vaginapussy. I shamelessly cheered when he went down.

Luckily I made semifinals in my 10-team league of old college buddies with whom I talk the most shit and have the most money at stake. My usual starting lineup goes something like this: Newton (vs. Houston), Foster (@ Carolina), Turner (vs Jacksonville), Antonio Brown (@ SF), Austin & Robinson (@ Tampa)… its a 2 RB, 3 WR league, no flex.

I won the Felix Jones (@ Tampa) waiver wire sweepstakes and plan to start him over Turner because Tampa Bay’s run defense is pathetic and Turner hasn’t been much of a fantasy asset the past few weeks. I also have Demaryius Thomas (vs NE), Nate Washington (@ Indy) and Jake Locker (@ Indy). Do I start Thomas or Washington over any of my other WR’s? Robinson proved he still has value even with Austin back, but I expect Dallas to get a big lead and then rely on the run against Tampa Bay. More importantly, is it worth starting Locker (if Hasselbeck ends up sitting out) with Newton playing against one of the best defenses in the league? Locker looked great last week and the Colts are trash.

Even with Tebow throwing, I like Demaryius against that awful Pats pass D. I’d probably start him over Antonio Brown, but that may have something to do with my Steeler hatred. As for starting Locker over Newton, it’s certainly an intriguing option. I don’t think I’d have the stones to make that change, but I could see it paying off for a riverboat gambler.

Sex: Looking about six months down the road, my roommate will be moving out of our apartment. My girlfriend’s one-year lease will be up around the same time. We haven’t discussed it yet, but I’m starting to consider the pros and cons of asking her to move in with me because (1) she spends 3-4 nights a week at my apartment already anyways, (2) the various economic incentives, (3) I like my apartment and don’t have too many other favorable options for roommates among my current social circle, and (4) I love her, we have a great relationship, and this is the first girl I’ve been with where the idea living with her actually seems like it would work. We’ve been together about six months. We’d be at about the 1 year mark when move-in time comes. I’ve never lived with any of my previous girlfriends so I’m looking for a bit of advice. Obviously this is something that will require honest discussion between the two of us, but in the meantime I’m just looking to get some perspective from folks who’ve been there, done that. We’re both 26, well educated, and have decent jobs. With many of my closest friends are now in situations where they live with their girlfriends or wives, I don’t feel like living with her would restrict my social life the way I once thought living with a significant other would. It seems like there is little downside here… am I just being naive?

Also worth mentioning, my lease is month-to-month, so neither of us would be locked into any long-term living arrangement.
~Bob Loblaw

I love living with my fiancee. She makes me laugh every day, and she’s made the apartment look super-nice with lots of shelving and couch covers and whatnot. That said, it is a HUGE step to go from spending 3-4 nights a week together and spending EVERY night together. Even if you’re spending additional nights at her apartment every week, those one or two nights a week that you have to yourself are something that you won’t even realize you love until they’re gone. There WILL be unforeseen stressors, and if you don’t have strong and open communication habits, the economic incentives won’t seem all that hot.

But yes, if you love her and she’s cool and you’re headed down the road to marriage, I think it’s a sensible decision. Just be sure you know what you’re getting into.

**********

Dearest Caveman,
Sex: I wrote in about 4 months ago, asking about breaking up with my boyfriend. Broke up with him soon after that mailbag, and while everything isn’t exactly okay between us, it’s as good as can be expected, seeing as we still work around each other. Everyone else, take heed of the Captain’s advice: it is a TERRIBLE idea to date someone and work with them, even if it’s in a volunteer-based non-profit organization.

Anyway, I’ve had some sex, some of it good, some of it drunk, and some of it good and drunk.

Awwww yeah.

I don’t really have a question, and since I’m a woman, I don’t know that I can provide you with any awesome images of half-naked ladies that you haven’t already seen. But I did find this Tumblr post filled with GIFs of Stoya making sex faces. Her body may not be bangin’ (in the “big boobs/big ass” sense), but even though I’m a heterosexual lady, these images make me feel funny in my panties.

Please note: while those GIFs are technically safe for work, they are not at all safe for work. In an absolutely fantastic way.

Fantasy: I’m in a 14-team PPR league (dude, don’t even get me started on a 14-team league… what an awful fucking joke), which means this upcoming week is our first week of playoffs.

In our 14-team blogger league, we start 1 QB / 1 RB / 2 WR / 1 TE / 1 flex. The smaller starting lineup means that nobody has to reach deep and start Daniel Thomas.

We were told at the beginning of the season that only the top 4 teams would go to the playoffs. So I’m tied with 2 others for 4th, and the commissioner decides that the person with the most points out of the 3 of us gets in. I’m fine with that. However, the other non-playoff guy is apparently not okay with it, so NOW we’re doing some fucking playoff for 5th place. 5th place?!?! Who gives a shit? Anyway, now 4 of us are vying for a 5th place spot, and my question is: should I even try? My team is solid and currently injury-free, and I have an odd desire to beat the douchebottle who asked for this stupid “consolation” playoff bullshit. But it also seems like it’s not worth my time. I suppose this is not an incredibly important question, but I’m also wondering if this is even something that normally happens. Who the hell wants to play for 5th place? What a bunch of fucking bupkis.
-Kunty McKunterson

Of COURSE you should try to win. Why wouldn’t you?

(Obvious questions happen when people write in just to complain about their fantasy leagues.)

**********

Hey,

Fantasy Football question: First off, what are your thoughts on consolation playoffs? I’m in a 12-team league, 6 make playoffs. The bottom 6 play for the consolation championship. As I have missed out on the playoffs, I am trying to convince myself that winning these consolation playoffs would be a better result than losing in the first round of the actual playoffs, which I did last year. Yay or Nay?

I just like playing fantasy football, period. So yeah, I’ll take an extra two or three weeks of setting my lineups, even if it’s just for 7th place. Any fantasy football is better than no fantasy football.

Relationship question: I’m 20, and my girlfriend (18) of nearly a year broke up with me about a month ago because she “needs to find out who she is and wants to be single in order to do that.” I was her first proper boyfriend and while she wasn’t my first proper girlfriend, she’s the one I’ve felt the strongest for. She’s told me that when she wants a relationship again, I’ll be the first one she’ll call, and she says that she wants to be best friends while she’s single. I know I should be pissed off with that response, but I really love this girl and I think she’s being honest and is just confused. Complicating the situation, she has a huge crush on this other guy we know mutually, who I think (know) is an asshole, and kind of a man-whore. I tell her it’s a bad idea with him, and she gets annoyed and says that I’m just trying to restrain her.

While I don’t like the idea of her messing around with anyone else, this guy specifically would be an issue for me. I really care about her and I really want her back, but in the meantime I don’t want her to make any silly mistakes.

What’s my best course of action here? I want her back and I’m willing to work for it.
Sincerely,
Depressed and confused

Okay, there’s a lot going on here, but the number one issue is that you and your (ex-)girlfriend are both CRAZY young. And I know that that’s a shitty thing you don’t want to hear, because you’re both legal adults who can vote, and your heartbreak is completely real. But this is what’s SUPPOSED to happen when you’re young. You get your heart broken, and you want your ex back, and it doesn’t happen. You don’t get what you want, and no amount of love or effort can get it for you. Welcome to life. It sucks a lot of the time.

So here’s what will likely happen: your ex will probably hook up with that asshole dude, because that’s what 18-year-old girls do: they hook up with assholes. You’ll be hurt, and you’ll still want her back because you are young and don’t know any better. These are the things that young people have always done and will continue to do.

The good news: it gets better. You’ll turn 21 and go to bars and enter an entire world where it’s perfectly legal and socially acceptable to get intoxicated and make bad decisions like sleeping with people before learning their last names. You will meet and date other women who are smarter and/or more attractive and/or better at blowjobs than your ex. You will grow and change as a person, and you will look back on your younger self and not even remember what heartbreak felt like, or why you felt it for someone you weren’t meant to be with. You’ll probably break someone else’s heart, and then your heart will be broken again, and you’ll feel shitty all over again, because this is what we do. It’s life. It sucks, and then it gets better, and then you get old and die.

Let your ex-girlfriend go live her life without you, then stop crying and go enjoy being young.

Welcome to another installment of the mailbag. Thanks to everyone for writing in this week; with most fantasy leagues entering the playoffs this week, we had a flood of great letters, and I’m sorry to say there were some very good ones that I just couldn’t get to. Keep writing in!

Before we get going with your emails, I want to direct you to another font of forward-thinking relationship knowledge, To Love, Honor, and Vacuum, a website written by Sheila Wrae Gregoire that’s dedicated to helping Christian women honor their wedding vows AND the Lord’s desires. Some choice excerpts collated by Afternoon Snooze Button:

1. Is it okay for Christians to use sex toys? (Answer: No. “Most guys aren’t that big. And they can’t vibrate like that. Do you really want to get reliant on something your husband can never be for an orgasm?”)
2. What’s a godly form of birth control? (Answer: the chart method. Keep a calendar, toss the condoms.)
3. What should I do if my husband wants to be adventurous in bed? (Answer: New positions are okay, but be careful! This desire for adventure might be enabling his porn addiction!)
4. What to do if I’m too loose to have sex? (Answer: Buy Kegel exercisers on Amazon. But be careful to make sure you don’t accidentally buy sex toys!)

All I ask is that you don’t abandon the KSK mailbag permanently after finding such wisdom. That lady better not start fielding questions about Tebow.

Ahoy-hoy Captain,
Football: No football question, but please accept this picture of Sophie Howard as an apology. Because tits are worth a lot more than my half-assed “I’m sorry”.

Not really my type, but I’m not one to say no to this sort of thing. As Aussie/Brit Sophies go, Sophie Howard doesn’t even crack the top three: I prefer Sophies Monk, Turner, and Reade (bonus NSFW action of Miss Monk here). Not that I’m scoffing at Miss Howard, who is perhaps done better justice in this gallery.

I know entirely too much about this subject for someone who has sex.

Sex: I’m 21 and one of your female readers.

/breaks off engagement

For the past year, I’ve been pen pals with a Marine serving in Iraq.

/wedding back on!

We exchanged a few letters, but now he’s back on base and we talk on a regular basis. Obviously there’s sexual tension, but we’re 2,000+ miles away from each other so we’ll worry about that later. A few days ago, eight of my letters were mailed back to me (they never made it overseas) because fuck the US Postal Service. When I told him about the letters, he asked me to send them to him, but I don’t know why.

Because he likes you, dummy.

They’re just me talking about my life, nothing too exciting. Basically, I’m wondering if these letters mean anything to him because I sent them while he was overseas (how much does a pen pal mean to a guy in Iraq?) and if I should feel like a bitch if I don’t send them. Here are my options: a. send him the letters b. don’t send the letters and risk coming off like a jackass c. send him the letters AND a scandalous picture.

Sincerely,
This Might Be Some Dear Abby Shit

Having been to Iraq, and having come back mentally intact largely because of a woman’s letters, I’ll try to approach this in the most delicate manner possible, because you’re 21 and young and don’t know any better. Here’s a story:

It’s the first week of April, 2003. East of the Tigris, south of Baghdad. After a ten-day “operational pause” in quiet farm country, we’ve resumed a breakneck pace to the capital. I’m still tired from a stressful, sleepless night on a blocking position in bad terrain north of Salman Pak that was supposed to result in a huge firefight with extra-national fighters from around the Middle East, but resulted in little more than warning shots to civilians in cars. On this day or the next, a little up the road, one of my best friends will be shot in the head by those foreign fighters that were supposed to be in Salman Pak but weren’t. It’s about 100 degrees, and I’m wearing a chemical protective suit, a flak jacket, and a helmet. The only colors are the tan of dust and the smoke-smudged gray of hot sky. As our column of vehicles wends east to the highway, then north to Baghdad, we pass a field of sheep, slaughtered by whichever band of death passed before us. The scent of rotting flesh is unmistakable. A few miles on, our tank company comes to a halt, pulling to opposite sides of the road in a herringbone pattern. To the north, in the distance: the thick black smoke of burning oil. In front of my tank, I see what looks like a gigantic pile of white feathers. Three or four feet high, maybe five feet in diameter. Feathers? And then the smell hits me: rank, sweet. Dead birds. Scores of them, massed in a pile near the highway by who knows. An OCD goat farmer, perhaps.

It is an unremarkable day at war.

That’s when mail call comes. The First Sergeant shows up with a letter from my girlfriend at the time. I knew her in college, and now she works as a waitress in New York City. Most of her letters are similar: a recounting of her most recent shifts, a yoga class she enjoyed, maybe a celebrity sighting. She misses me. And for the time that it takes me to read and re-read the letter, I’m not in Iraq, bullshit wartorn hot-as-fuck deadly Iraq. In the small, neat, all-caps writing of the woman I love is a ticket to freedom — instant transport to America. Home: where I shower every day, where I use a toilet, where I can drink cold water. My girlfriend doesn’t wear perfume, but there’s a lingering essence of her on the page, and I put my filthy nose to it and the smell of death is gone, because I’m not in Iraq. I’m with the woman who brings me home.

So yeah, send him the fucking letters.

***********

Hey Matt; Long Time Reader, First Time Commenter here,
Football: (Fantasy team is clicking as of late, so just football) How about your Seahawks? They’ve been picking it up and caught some breaks with Detroit and Chicago’s stumbles. Do you buy them as a wild card contender?

No. If they win the next two weeks (vs. STL, @CHI on a short week) AND upset the Niners at home in Week 16 to get to 8-7 AND still aren’t mathematically eliminated, I’ll allow myself a shred of hope. Until then, they’ve got a shit-awful secondary, their best wide receiver (Sidney Rice) is done for the season, they just lost fullback Michael Robinson, and lemme check — yup, Tarvaris Jackson is still the quarterback. Reminder: the Browns beat the ‘Hawks 6-3 after their bye week.

Relationships: I’ve been seeing this girl almost two years, and things are going very well. What isn’t going well is my roommate, who I have been close friends with since we met in college in DC six years ago. This is the third (separate) time we have lived together and we felt confident going into it because we’d been through the fire before and stayed friends.

Ever since we moved up to NYC, I feel like I’ve been changing a lot as person and our interests have diverged. On the other hand, he seems to have stayed very much the same and as we grow apart, he’s become more resentful of my relationship and more abrasive in general. He attributes the time we spend apart to me being with her, but that is not always the case and I’m not as inclined to hang out with him anymore because his attitude comes from a bad place.

First he didn’t want my girlfriend coming over on weeknights; that’s fine, he’s busy with law school. Then she couldn’t come on weekends because she “takes up too much of my social calendar” even though when we do hang out, I’m the one extending the invitation to him, like when I took him to a football game last month. Then she couldn’t sit in the common area because he got freaked out about being the “third wheel” (not like we sit there making out or anything but understandable). And now he doesn’t like it when on the few occasions she is in the apartment, we shut the door because he feels “left out” even though I did that to not be up in his face.

The point is, he and I are growing apart and I want to ease into that process amicably. I have no malice toward him and we’re stuck in a lease until next August. How do I wind down this friendship in a respectful way and move past the tension in the apartment?
Regards,
Caught in a Bad Bromance

Okay, if we want to delve into motives and feelings and that kind of horseshit, your roommate is acting out and being possessive because he feels he’s losing you. I suppose there’s a mature thing — perhaps a friendly gesture like you spending a weekend just with him — where you have a conversation that attempts to strike a balance between how much his friendship means to you and establishing some territory for you to have an adult relationship with a woman without him being a negative factor in it.

That’s the touchy-feely answer. The more succinct summation is that he’s acting like a cunty, jealous twat, and in a perfect world you’d say something like, “What the fuck’s your problem? Do you want to fuck me or something? Then stop acting like a high school bitch.”

**********

Dear Captain -
Fantasy first: Both my teams are headed for the playoffs (yay!) but my opponent in the first round has been talking a lot of smack about a trade I made right before the deadline. I traded Vick right after he broke his ribs (and hasn’t played since) for Alex Smith and Jonathan Stewart. Was that a good trade or is the taunting justified?

Who cares? Tell him that men who shit-talk about fantasy football do it because they have small penises. You heard it directly from the internet’s only sex/fantasy football expert.

Sex: Female reader here. My whole life I’ve been tall (6′) and never model skinny which has led to a lot of self-consciousness and lack of self-confidence, esp. since I’ve never dated anyone over 5’10″. I recently graduated from law school but given the recent economy have had to move back in with my parents in the midwest after living on my own in Boston, Paris and Washington, D.C. Problems with going out and drinking aside, it’s been difficult to meet guys and I’m lonely. I haven’t seriously dated anyone since 2005 and I’m starting to wonder if it’s me.

I’ve lost 30 lbs since I’ve been home so I’ve got my curves back (D/DD) and I’d like to know if there’s anything I should or shouldn’t do to attract guys and let them know I’m available.

Step 1: cleavage.

Growing up a daddy’s girl and with more guy friends than girls, I tend to revert to talking about sports when I meet new guys. I’ve been told that this can be intimidating but I truly enjoy sports. Both my fantasy teams made the playoffs ans until I find a real job I’m a hostess/server at a restaurant that has ESPN on 24/7 since they’re too cheap to do anything but basic cable. Should I hide my love for sports to stop driving guys off?
Thanks,
Frustrated Female

You’re in a tough spot, FF: you’re doubly intimidating. The fact that you’re both tall AND a sports fan means that you infringe on turf that men are accustomed to owning. Keep in mind that we men aren’t good at much. Sure, we squash bugs and cook meat and can sometimes fix things with hammers or duct tape, but for a lot of guys there’s real comfort/imagined manhood in knowing more about sports and being taller. Confidence can sometimes be hard to come by for a man, and it helps when you can literally look down at a woman.

Now don’t get me wrong: there are a lot of guys who like tall girls, and there are probably even more who like female sports fans (I’m certain you’ll have no shortage of suitors in KSK’s sports-loving, giantess-fetish comments section). But living with Mom and Dad in a smaller city definitely compounds the problem by shrinking your dating pool. Still, you are an intelligent woman with huge tits: I have confidence that someone in a ZIP code nearby wants to fuck you on the regular.

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Hey CC,
FFB: Standard non-PPR league. Beast Mode vs StL or

Beast Mode. What part of “eight straight games with a touchdown” and “Rams defense” and “Seattle at home” do you not understand?

Helu vs NE, Jermichael vs Oak or Tony G @Car, and pick 2 of 3 Colston @Ten, Welker @Wash or Crabtree @Ari. PLAYOFFS BABY.

Jermichael, Welker, and Crabtree. Fuck Jimmy Graham and his red zone targets robbing Colston of points.

Lovelife: How much can you realistically expect to see old friends who are now in long-term relationships? We’re talking nice girls that would be pretty good choices with whom to settle down, so there isn’t really any issue with the women. I’d expect to have significantly less contact with friends who are now regularly getting laid, but how little is too little?
Thanks,
BFDD

Welcome to life, pal. People get older and find mates and end up spending their Saturdays going to the Container Store and hanging curtains instead of tailgating with the bros and crushing a case Keystone Light. It’s not a bad thing, it’s just what happens.

It’s a reality with me: even before my then-girlfriend/now-fiancee moved in, I’d spend anywhere from 3-5 nights a week catching a drink with a friend or hanging out with my roommate to watch some TV. Now dude-time is more like twice a week: football Sundays and a night to be named later. And again, that’s not a bad thing. When I was younger, I loved hanging out with my other single friends and drinking in bars and meeting women and hopefully taking their clothes off (but if not, then spending quality time with friends). When you’re older, the choices are still the same: drink with buddies or get laid — except the deck is stacked in your  favor, and a lot of times you get to do both. Separately, mind you. But both on the same night.

Anyway, your question pales in comparison with what’s to come. Just wait ’til your friends have kids.

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Dear Princes of the Universe,
Not Football: You guys helped me out about four or five months ago with a relationship question (here), so I wanted to say thanks, and even though it didn’t last, I got four solid months of sex out of it, so it was a definite win. Here’s a hot redhead with big cans, as per custom.

Excuse me, sir, but this is NOT just some hot redhead with big cans. Her name is Cintia Dicker, which I can’t type without thinking, “Dicker? I hardly know her! But seriously, I would. Without even talking to her first. Not important.”

Anyhoo, Cintia’s a Brazilian supermodel of German descent, so you know what that means: SEXY NAZI GENES WITH A DASH OF LATINA SPICE. It’s entirely possible that her grandparents helped murder Jews, and that opens a whole web of possibilities that I can apply to fictional bedroom scenarios that will never happen between the two of us.

So please, people: don’t just send me “some hot chick” for the mailbag. Context matters.

Football: I have managed to salvage a 2-5 start in my 0.5 PPR league and come to a 7-6 record. If I win in week 14, I will be in third place going into the playoffs. Naturally, my workhorse, my rock in whom I trust, AP, is not a sure thing to play this week, and so I needed to shuffle a bit. Still have BEEFMOE and MJD at RB so I’m set there, but I need to fill one WR position and one WR/RB flex position.

I’d like your advice on who to start from this cast of lovable scamps and misfits: Stevie Johnson (@SD), Frank Gore (@Ari), Jordy Nelson (vs. Oak), Marques Colston (@Ten), V-Jax (vs. Buf), or Shonn Greene (vs. KC). My instinct is that I can’t trust V-Jax, nor Greene, and that Gore will be splitting touches with Hunter for the rest of the year; naturally, I’d like someone else’s input if only to put my mind to rest.
Thank you for the help, and congrats on the new job! -
(Formerly) Peen von Fritz

I’d rule out Gore because he’s slowing down and Arizona is actually pretty decent against fantasy RBs (8th fewest points allowed). A healthier Shonn Greene seems like a decent option against KC, but with .5 PPR I might be more inclined to start all wideouts: Stevie, Jordy, and Vincent Jackson. Leave that disappointment Colston on the bench.

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Captain,
Sexytime first: So, I work with this woman who we’ll call Christie. One night, after a company softball game, I drove her home and went in for a beer. Already somewhat sauced at this point, she moved in for a kiss and we went at it for a few minutes. No clothing came off, nothing was explicitly stated, and we did nothing more than kiss. Not even any light petting.

Next day, it’s like she thinks we’re in a relationship. When I tell her that it was a mistake, that it can’t happen again, and that we’re coworkers and this isn’t something that I’m prepared to deal with, she was crestfallen and would not let it go. Finally, she met some other dude and laid off, I started seeing someone, and all was well in the universe. Well, since then, she’s become my boss, and I’ve stopped dating the woman I was dating. I’ve have, however, become interested in Christie’s friend, who we’ll call Lindsay. Lindsey is an attorney, smart, funny, gorgeous, really fun to hang out with, and after getting up the nerve to ask her out, and her saying yes, Christie catches wind of it and calls Lindsey, and she’s apoplectic. Inconsolable. Can’t believe her friend would do such a thing. At this point, she drops any amount of information, some true, some likely not, and Lindsey cancels the date. Now, I live in a small ski resort town, which means the number of date-able females stands at approximately 5. Because everyone knows everyone, chances are good that regardless who I meet, they’ll know Christie and I will thus be prohibited from dating them.

First, I think it’s incredibly fucked up and the height of bad form for her to cock block me when A) we aren’t going to be a couple anyway, ever, and B) she’s got a fucking boyfriend. Now, I’m not supposed to know what I know, but I feel like I need (and have the right) to correct this bullshit with Christie so I can proceed to possibly date and have something good with Lindsey, but being that Christie is my sort-of boss (team lead on my project), I have to tread lightly. Any thoughts on how I can bring this up/talk this out?

Take that shit to HR. And DON’T FUCK AROUND WITH CO-WORKERS. I say this every goddamn week, people.

Fantasy: I’ve dominated my league from the word go, with the exception of two weeks of bye week hell. I am the number one seed, but Forte’s out 2-6 weeks with a knee and Eric Decker’s productivity has fallen off a cliff since Tebowmania took over in Denver. Any good sleepers for the coming weeks that I might be able to pick up off waivers? Barber’s already off the board and seemingly so is any real chance of me taking the title.
Any help you could give would be appreciated.
Magic Sam

It’s pretty slim pickin’s in my three leagues (all of which have at least 12 teams). The best available seems to be Doug Baldwin or maybe Thomas Jones. Ugh, Thomas Jones. Why didn’t HE have a season-ending knee injury in Week 2? I hate football.

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Dear somehow all-knowing ff/sex sports writer,

Let’s pop that balloon right now. Last week I told a reader to start Roy Helu over Shonn Greene. And that was sound advice through 56 minutes, because Helu had 100 yards and a touchdown compared to Greene’s 50-odd yards and a score. Then the Redskins turnover machine churned into action and Greene scored two TDs in the final four minutes. Sorry. I am NOT all-knowing.

Got engaged last week- how quickly does the engagement sex stop coming, and how do I make sure it doesn’t go away? We had eventually come to a low point in that area prior to the engagement. We’re coworkers, commuting, and living together, so its nice to have that spark again, and I’m hoping it stays.

Congratulations! The hot engagement sex lasts until the wedding planning starts. And while there’s always a nice aura of “Fuck yeah, this is gonna be my wife!,” things are never quite the same once you start having discussions about the guest list and fonts and paper stock and flower arrangements. Enjoy it while it lasts.

I’m in a bad place for playoffs here, my WR and my RB2 situation is very sticky. Got Gronk and Newton otherwise so things are good there, PPR league.

S. Holmes (Nacho is throwing), D. Branch (who knows if he’ll see the ball), P Garcon (vs Ravens, terrible matchup), D. Jackson (ugh) pick 3?

Oh God, who fucking knows? Orlovsky seems to have latched onto Garcon, but the Patriots’ sieve of a passing defense isn’t a great indicator of performance against the Ravens D. Branch and Holmes are both question marks, but I feel like they’ve been more consistent performers than Desean, who may be having the worst contract year for fantasy player that I can remember. It’s just depressing starting him every week. I’d rather get the satisfaction of benching him.

I have Foster at RB1…but Now I’m picking between BJGE and Kevin Smith. How terrible is that? I’m gonna put out a wire on barber but he will probably eat it come play time anyway.
Oooh! Ooh! I have Dexter McCluster, hes both a WR AND an RB!!
Thanks,
TheDerp

BJGE isn’t a terrible play. He might not get a ton of yards, but at least he’s getting touches in a high-powered offense that scores a lot.

Side note: last week was my first manager-decided loss of the year. As in, I could have won if I’d just started the right player. With Adrian Peterson out and nothing but scraps on the waiver wire, I had to choose between starting McCluster and Marcel Reece at my flex in a 0.5 PPR league. And I figured, “Hey, Reece is catching a lot of passes, the Raiders’ wideouts have had some injuries, and McCluster hasn’t scored a touchdown all season. May as well try to get some upside.” And then dickbag goes and scored on a freaking HAIL MARY. McCluster scored 12 more points than Reece, and I lost by six. Goddammit.

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Seasons Greetings CC,
SO, first year playing FF and after a dismal 3 and 6 start was able to eek my way to 7 and 6 and currently clinging to the 6th seed in my 12 team league largely thanks to Breesus and a lucky pick up in Beaf Moo. Last week of our season is now and I believe I win and I am in and that looks probable. Naturally I am completely second guessing everything and I lost Fred Davis at TE due to probable potheadedness.  My other TE is Greg Olsen (@ ATL) so I went and grabbed Tony Scheffler (@ Min)…Who would you go with here? Also questionable but may start Miles Austin (@NYG) or Boldin (@IND)? Finally, Barber (@Tebows) or Pierre Thomas (@ TEN)? This and my many losses thanks in part to Jamaal Charles bum knee.

Olsen, Boldin, Barber.

As far as sexy time, no specific personal situation other than to mention I asked for advice several years ago about getting out of the friend zone and have been with said lady every since, thanks Uff! Instead allow me to throw out this nugget for discussion; I read a lame-o article in Huff Post called, “Three Signs That You Are About To Cheat” last week not because I am about to cheat buy just out of morbid curiosity of what “the signs”might be and one of them included, “You masturbate to fantasies of other people you know more than you do with thoughts of your partner.” Now I love my partner lots and lots but that doesn’t mean I masturbate to her all the time?! That’s why we have actual sex so I don’t feel the need to masturbate to her. Isn’t masturbating for thinking about other people or whatever because, you know, it’s a fantasy? Surely, my lady has a place in ye ole spank bank but those who I have had, or can’t have, all have accounts there too and that’s alright, right? Doesn’t mean I am fixin’ to cheat.
Thanks man!
-Some Guy

To be fair, the section that you italicized was one factor of “You are on the internet trawling to meet other people.” And as much as I’m loath to give any credit to a click-mongering content farm like HuffPo, if you’re cruising Facebook or Craigslist or an online dating site for women WHILE you’re in a relationship, DUH: yes, that is a sign of infidelity.

However, regarding the specific issue of masturbation:

Sydney: Wait, you jerked off to a picture of your own girlfriend? You… that… wow, that is SICK! Oh my God, what is WRONG with you?
Peter: What’s wrong with that?
Sydney: Pedro, there is so much wrong… I don’t even know where to begin… That is sick, man!

I really think it’s only a problem if you prefer whacking it while thinking about your co-worker Janice to having actual sex with your girlfriend. So jerk freely to whatever sick fantasies you have, just make sure your lady’s still getting the lion’s share of your boners. Ah, romance.