I have a new goal in life: get it on in this horizontal shower (thanks to Drew for sharing the link). All the hot water action of shower sex without the gymnastics or single-nozzle issues. Sign me up.
As for this week’s mailbag, some of the subjects are: Peyton Manning, transitioning to a keeper league, meeting girls in your teens, casual sex in your 20s, the amygdala, and an email so eminently douchey that I suspect it was written by Tom Brady: Troll Genius. Read on for more.
It’s February! Almost time for the Super Bowl! YAY! Valentine’s Day is around the corner! BOOOO!
This year for Valentine’s Day, I’m putting in crazy-long hours at the Westminster Dog Show on the 13th and 14th, so I can’t possibly take my fiancee out to dinner in a packed restaurant of two-tops populated with overdressed people who don’t put enough energy into their relationships the other 364 days of the year. SHUCKS. Sorry, honey. I owe you one (1) romantic evening of takeout and “The Wire.”
Let’s get to your questions.
Hi folks. I’m sick as hell this week, so the answers will be a bit more abrupt than usual. Doesn’t mean I don’t like you, it’s just a side effect of not being able to breathe through my nose, all of my muscles hurting, and my head feeling like it weighs 30 pounds. Let’s just guzzle some more Emergen-C and power through this.
It’s January 19th, and as your internet-dwelling life coach, I’m inclined to remind those of you in a relationship that there is less than one month until Valentines Day. Now, you and I and everyone else knows that Valentines Day is a load of crap, but that doesn’t give any of us a free pass. You still have to do something romantic or buy her a gift or some shit because OTHER women are being treated to dinner and chocolates and jewelry. That’s the crux of Valentines Day, really. It’s not about a woman having a healthy, happy relationship — it’s about showing those other bitches how fantastic her love life is.
That’s why I recommend sending flowers to your lady’s place of employment. Everybody ends up happy: she gets flowers (BITCHES LOVE FLOWERS), I don’t have to show up wearing a tie anywhere, and all her co-workers get jealous and wish they had thoughtful men in their lives. Well, I guess not everybody ends up happy. But close enough.
Let’s get to your emails.
Whew. Big mailbag today. There’s not much going on in the world of fantasy football, but we’ve got plenty to discuss when it comes to sex and love: drunken sex with a crazy girl, online dating, online dating that leads to drunken sex with a crazy girl, more drunken sex, and, uh… dealing with future in-laws? I guess that last one doesn’t quite fit the theme. Sorry.
Well folks, with the playoffs kicking off this weekend and almost no fantasy action to be had, we’ve lifted the usual restraints and allowed several sex-only questions this week, which is what most of you depraved jackals want anyway. We’ll keep the restrictions loose over the next couple of months and switch back to equal parts sex and FF as the NFL Draft gets closer. Cool? Cool. Let’s get to your questions.
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For once, I’m opening the mailbag with a fantasy football topic. Commenter Upstate Underdog emailed with a terrifying prospect for Aaron Rodgers owners:
Do I start Rodgers this week? I’m sure I’m not the only person pulling their hair out over this. Do I start Fitzpatrick or roll the dice and hope SF beats Seattle therefore forcing Rodgers to play. If the Niners lose there’s a good chance Rodgers sits or only plays one or two quarters since GB will have secured the #1 seed. I hate fantasy football and really wish the SF/Seattle game was being played on Thursday night.
As a Seahawks fan who needs big games from both Rodgers and Marshawn Lynch to have any hope in the fantasy championship, all I have to say is, “GUHHHHHHHHHHHH.” I don’t even have a backup quarterback on my team any more. I am 100% screwed. If the world works the way it always does, the Seahawks will win this week, prompting Rodgers to play half a game so I lose the fantasy championship (one year after his Week 14 concussion knocked me out of the playoffs. What a jerk!). I’ll console myself by telling myself that at least the Seahawks can make the playoffs, then they’ll lose in Week 17. Heartbreak always goes to 11.
Let’s get to our questions:
One of the most compelling people to ever write into the mailbag is Hotwheelz (real name: Raul), the muscular dystrophy-afflicted young man who’s maintained a positive and humorous outlook despite writing the saddest letter we’ve ever seen. Confined to a wheelchair, he ran game on women by dressing up as Stephen Hawking for Halloween. If his story doesn’t move you, you’re dead inside and I hate you.
And just when he’s long overdue for a break, the state of California has stripped him of the medical care he needs to make a life for himself. He writes:
Hello guys, I know you don’t usually do non-football stuff, but I could really use your help right now. I’m involved in a battle with the state of California over my nursing hours. Basically, they cut my healthcare funding when I turned 21 because I was officially an adult. We appealed the decision, but lost the case and have been denied a rehearing. I’ve started a petition in order to fight back and hopefully get their decision overturned. I was hoping you guys could help me get signatures by linking it on your site and/or hooking me up with any media contacts you might have. You can find the petition here along with more detailed information about the case. I understand you guys are a football site, but this would be a tremendous help. Hope y’all have a great night.
You can watch his speech at Occupy San Diego above for the full story, but all you really need to do is go to Change.org and sign his petition. It’s incredibly easy and takes almost zero effort from you. Seriously, it takes less than a minute. Do it right now. The faster he gets to a thousand signatures, the sooner I’ll post the full mailbag. Thanks.
Hello and welcome to a particularly robust mailbag; I promise the Bear Patrol image will make sense farther into the column.
Once again, because it’s the fantasy playoffs, we got far too many submission to include everyone’s submissions, so I apologize to everyone whose emails weren’t included. I promise I still love you. Let’s jump right in:
Welcome to another installment of the mailbag. Thanks to everyone for writing in this week; with most fantasy leagues entering the playoffs this week, we had a flood of great letters, and I’m sorry to say there were some very good ones that I just couldn’t get to. Keep writing in!
Before we get going with your emails, I want to direct you to another font of forward-thinking relationship knowledge, To Love, Honor, and Vacuum, a website written by Sheila Wrae Gregoire that’s dedicated to helping Christian women honor their wedding vows AND the Lord’s desires. Some choice excerpts collated by Afternoon Snooze Button:
All I ask is that you don’t abandon the KSK mailbag permanently after finding such wisdom. That lady better not start fielding questions about Tebow.
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