The Browns running back won the fan’s choice tournament to determine who would be Top Shill for this year’s lockout edition of the Madden franchise. Grittiness triumphed in the finals over Ookee-kind, thus ensuring sales of the game would be… about the same. Meanwhile, a small measure of semi-quasi-maybe-victory has been granted to a few overzealous Clevelanders.

Many have and will continue to crack wise about such a pointlessly inflated distinction going to a white guy who has had only one productive season in the league. Then again, the only white guys who have been featured on the cover so far have been Madden himself and ol’ Brittfar, so maybe Peyton can finally RESTORE DIGNITY TO A SLOBBERKNOCKED RACE. [Whoops - forgot Breesus was on the cover last year. I BLAME THE VERY REAL CURSE!] Godspeed, you luggish Juggerback.

It’s probably premature to be discussing Madden NFL 12 amid all of the lawsuits and injunctions that we just know aren’t going to be in that year’s game, but there’s one new “feature” coming out that, in its own special way, kinda p:sses me off. In the new game, players will be able to get concussions during games, and will not be able to return, as players with other injuries could. Read the rest of this entry »

Drew Brees will be the cover cursee for this year’s installment of Madden NFL Roster Update ’11. If you ask me, it should be Madden ’01 A.B. because all previous versions came before the Breesus. In fact, Madden ’30,000,000 B.B. had a dinosaur with a leather helmet on the cover. Inside, in lieu of a disc, there was primordial ooze. Man, that was some fun ooze. Tim Tebow and Carl Everett dispute that the game ever existed, but I say what of the fossilized strategy guides?

Also: the Saints are screwed. And none too soon. You get a Super Bowl and an overly sympathetic David Simon television series in one year? Back to the swamps of mediocrity with you!

“NOW I TELL YA, THAT’S A HECK OF A TOSS. RIGHT NEXT TO THE JACK, WHICH IS USUALLY THE BEST WAY TO WIN AT BOCCE” Bocce, the sport of choice for old xenophobic Italian men and drunk hipsters at barbecues, has proponents in the form of Steve Mariucci and John Madden, who have hosted a Bay Area charity celebrity tournament the past 10 years.

Yet somehow every penny of the $3 million raised in that time has been squandered on such unlofty frivolities as the Boys and Girls Clubs and the Special Olympics, with nary a dime going to help already wealthy sportswriters in need. I believe I am safe in assuming there won’t be a trace of concrete cyanide gracing this tournament anytime soon. Though if PK were to make an appearance, a game of mumblety-peg should immediately break out.

Holy shit! Has KSK really gone more than 48 hours without a Brett Favre video? Allow me to remedy this situation posthaste. Here we have a cartoon depicting the return of John Madden’s one true love.

Robert Stack as Roger Goodell was an inspired choice. Seeing “the Stack”, as me and my brother used to call him, makes me nostalgic for Unsolved Mysteries, Airplane and the Beer Baron episode of The Simpsons.

We will have even more Brett Favre videos later this week which is sure to provide a welcome break from the continuous coverage of all things Brett Favre on ESPN. In fact, Friday we will Favre the Favring Favre to the Favre Favrer.

Dear Jesus, thank you for giving us the strength to keep the gays out of our circle.

Last week we learned that for the first time ever sports fan’s favorite video game, Madden 09, will feature user-controlled celebrations. Fans Sad little men everywhere could barely contain their excitement at the prospect of controlling Chad Johnson’s fluid dance steps, flexing TO’s muscles, and exposing Randy Moss’ red eye to a horrified mass of Packer fans.

Unfortunately for these braggadocios bedroom dwellers the celebrations featured in newest edition of Madden are not nearly as exuberant as some might have hoped. In fact, only a small sampling of the game’s players will even be capable of celebrating at all. Thanks to KSK’s high level contacts within EA Sports we are able to provide a list of the chosen players and their assigned celebrations.

Kurt Warner- Kisses wife, thanks Jesus for finding him a such an ideal mate through the process of degayification.

Shaun Alexander- Kneels down to pray, breaks foot trying to stand up, tells everybody Jesus will heal him in time for the playoffs.

Jon Kitna- Points toward Heaven with two fingers, prays for five more touchdowns in order to secure victory.

Adrian Peterson- Thanks himself with a pat on the back, flagellates himself for accepting such a blasphemous nickname.

Jason Elam- Points toward Heaven with one hand, shoots Az-Zahir Hakim in the throat with the other.

Troy Polamalu- Prays quietly to self, braids hair.

Derrick Brooks- Tackles ball-carrier, testifies.

Mark Brunell- Praises Jesus for all to hear, sits back down.

Trent Dilfer- Begins to kneel in prayer before wondering what sort of God would let him go bald.

David Tyree- Proclaims his inability to catch footballs without the benevolent grace of Christ Almighty.

Jesus, this game is gonna fucking suck.