“NOW I TELL YA, THAT’S A HECK OF A TOSS. RIGHT NEXT TO THE JACK, WHICH IS USUALLY THE BEST WAY TO WIN AT BOCCE” Bocce, the sport of choice for old xenophobic Italian men and drunk hipsters at barbecues, has proponents in the form of Steve Mariucci and John Madden, who have hosted a Bay Area charity celebrity tournament the past 10 years.

Yet somehow every penny of the $3 million raised in that time has been squandered on such unlofty frivolities as the Boys and Girls Clubs and the Special Olympics, with nary a dime going to help already wealthy sportswriters in need. I believe I am safe in assuming there won’t be a trace of concrete cyanide gracing this tournament anytime soon. Though if PK were to make an appearance, a game of mumblety-peg should immediately break out.

Holy shit! Has KSK really gone more than 48 hours without a Brett Favre video? Allow me to remedy this situation posthaste. Here we have a cartoon depicting the return of John Madden’s one true love.

Robert Stack as Roger Goodell was an inspired choice. Seeing “the Stack”, as me and my brother used to call him, makes me nostalgic for Unsolved Mysteries, Airplane and the Beer Baron episode of The Simpsons.

We will have even more Brett Favre videos later this week which is sure to provide a welcome break from the continuous coverage of all things Brett Favre on ESPN. In fact, Friday we will Favre the Favring Favre to the Favre Favrer.

Dear Jesus, thank you for giving us the strength to keep the gays out of our circle.

Last week we learned that for the first time ever sports fan’s favorite video game, Madden 09, will feature user-controlled celebrations. Fans Sad little men everywhere could barely contain their excitement at the prospect of controlling Chad Johnson’s fluid dance steps, flexing TO’s muscles, and exposing Randy Moss’ red eye to a horrified mass of Packer fans.

Unfortunately for these braggadocios bedroom dwellers the celebrations featured in newest edition of Madden are not nearly as exuberant as some might have hoped. In fact, only a small sampling of the game’s players will even be capable of celebrating at all. Thanks to KSK’s high level contacts within EA Sports we are able to provide a list of the chosen players and their assigned celebrations.

Kurt Warner- Kisses wife, thanks Jesus for finding him a such an ideal mate through the process of degayification.

Shaun Alexander- Kneels down to pray, breaks foot trying to stand up, tells everybody Jesus will heal him in time for the playoffs.

Jon Kitna- Points toward Heaven with two fingers, prays for five more touchdowns in order to secure victory.

Adrian Peterson- Thanks himself with a pat on the back, flagellates himself for accepting such a blasphemous nickname.

Jason Elam- Points toward Heaven with one hand, shoots Az-Zahir Hakim in the throat with the other.

Troy Polamalu- Prays quietly to self, braids hair.

Derrick Brooks- Tackles ball-carrier, testifies.

Mark Brunell- Praises Jesus for all to hear, sits back down.

Trent Dilfer- Begins to kneel in prayer before wondering what sort of God would let him go bald.

David Tyree- Proclaims his inability to catch footballs without the benevolent grace of Christ Almighty.

Jesus, this game is gonna fucking suck.