Well, I know what I’ll be watching on a constant loop for the next six decades.

Image via LSUFreek

[Cutlerfuckerville]

Fah who for-aze!
Dah who dor-aze!
Welcome playoffs!
Come this way!

Fah who for-aze!
Dah who dor-aze!
Welcome playoffs!
Playoffs, yay!

[Meanwhile, on forbidding Marmalard Mountain]

[Sounds of packages being floated against the walls and cracks of thunder]

Look at them, all those Jays down in Cutlerfuckerville with their warped warbling. Droopy dregs of humanity with hangdog faces and vaginas where their penises should be. How I loathe their chokery and undeserved 4th seedery. So content are they in backing their way into the playoffs. So oblivious to the fact that the bitching hour is close at hand.

But you see, My Tiny Darren, we’re gonna steal their precious packaged playoffs right out from under their droopy sulkface noses. AREN’T WE?! FUCK AND YES WE ARE! There’ll be no Hochuli to stop us this time! No. Nothing stands in the way of King Laserface’s ascent to the top of the world! SADDLE UP YOU POCKET POOCH IT’S RIDING HIGH TIME!

Oh wow, the playoffs are coming. I’ve never experienced the magic of the postseason before, especially after we screwed the pooch the last two years. I’m like Tony Romo without the smiles.

Oh! What’s that clatter? Must be Santee Claus. I would know coming from Santa Claus, Indiana. I hope he brought me the unearned sense of accomplishment I asked for!

Hey! You’re not Santee! YOU’RE NOT SANTEE AT ALL!

Don’t touch that! That’s my division title! It’s mine! Give it!

Where are you taking me!? IIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Settle, settle, widdle inferior quarterback. You’ll have more time to enjoy your Christmas figgy pudding and doodazzlers once I’ve eliminated you from playoff contention. AND IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT THEN TOUGH TITTYFUCK YOU TRAGIC SULKFACE THE CLOWN! THEN I’M GONNA COLD RAPE THE COLTS IN THE POSTSEASON, JUST LIKE I DO EVERY YEAR! I HOPE THE VOLEKTRICITY IS READY! WHAT? HUH? WHAT? FUCK YOU!

[And that's when Marmalard's shriveled boner grew three sizes that day]

A Merry Playoffs to All, And May You All Get Stabbed in Your Sleep By a Marlinspike!

Ya betta ask somebodddddaaaaaayyyyyyy!

(Please visit the extremely talented LSUFreek’s new site when it goes up. Thanks for the images.)

Look, if you had one shot — one opportunity — to take an illegal handgun into a night club, then shoot yourself in the leg to jeopardize your multi-million-dollar contract, then spend 90 minutes trying to find a hospital that will treat your wound discreetly, then give that hospital a fake name and say the incident happened at an Applebee’s…

One moment.

Would you capture it… or just let it slip?

(image by the always awesome LSUFreek)

Giants-Redskins highlights the early slate. Plaxico Burress was already out of the game with a hamstring injury, but expect lots of talk about his accidental shooting. Some have already started speculating about possible legal consequences for Plax if he is found to have possessed a handgun illegally. But knowing what a stickler for the rules Plax is, we aren’t too worried about it. Also, Brandon Jacobs will be back in the lineup this week, after screwing a million fantasy teams last Sunday when he was a last-minute scratch. (Not that I’m still bitter or anything.)

Tampa Bay and New Orleans is the only other sexy match up among the early games. Elsewhere, the Panthers bring their smoke-and-mirrors show to Green Bay. The Bills and 49ers will be playing to determine once and for all who has to claim OJ Simpson. The resurgent Colts will be tuning up the ass-kicking machine in Cleveland. Regional viewers will have to sit through the Dolphins-Rams and Ravens-Bengals. You have my sympathies.

Update: Eli warming up at FedEx Field this afternoon. Thanks to Sputnik for sending in the picture.

[ Thanks to LSUfreek for the creeptacular image ]

In case you need tangible confirmation that we live in a nation composed largely of brain-dead morons, take a look at this week’s number one movie. However, something as trite as Beverly Hills Chihuahua can rule the box-office, then surely there has to be a market for a remake of Predator starring Gary Kubiak as ‘Dutch’ and Whirlybird Sage Rosenfels as ‘The Choppa’.

Dude got rocked. There’s no way we will see a better hit this week. Wait, what?

Because we never get enough of that good, good homespun hate, here’s a nice reimaging of a Tom Brady Stetson commercial, courtesy the inimitable LSUfreek, with a few key changes. Let’s see if you pick up on ‘em.

There’s really nothing I can add to that, well, except footage of Brady mic’d up during his injury after the jump.
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About once a month, usually after payday, LSUfreek gets tired of being smacked around by a drunken Orson Swindle and runs away for a few days– crashing wherever he can find a spare bed. Well, today LSUfreek is back at KSK and we are glad to have him.

Look freek, next time Orson lays that “Baby, I’m so sorry. Baby, I’m a changed man. I mean it this time” rap on you, tell him you’re gone for good and you won’t see him anymore. Who are we kidding? We would be a fool for him too– if he would have us, sigh…

Peyton: “I keep mine in a crystal case when I go to bed.”

Eli: “I keep mine on my finger, even during practice.”

Archie: “I keep mine in a dark place, and she never sleeps.”

(Peyton & Eli’s cell phones ring…)

“Hey kid, what did the five fingers say to the face?”

In the latest episode of HBO’s Hard Knocks, we learned that Cowboys Jerry Jones is a kindly old patriarch went to the Moe Howard school of grandparenting. I, for one, find great humor in billionaires smacking the snot out of their grandchildren.

That trick works but a few times before the only ones who will fall for it are the feeble-minded and Wade Phillips. As such, the intended victim is wary of the old man’s ways and is reluctant to play along. However, the other kid– perhaps seeing an opportunity to boost his inheritance– is happy to make PawPaw’s pimp hand fly. Geez, all my grandfather ever did to me was get drunk on Stroh’s and tell me to pull his finger.

[ thanks as always to gentleman farmer Awful Announcing for the clip and to the inimitable LSUfreek for the picture ]

Int. Romo’s Living Room

[cellphone rings]

Tony: You got Romo!

Jason: Hello Anthony, it’s Mr. Garret.

Tony: Yo, J-dog, my man! You wanna go grab a few beers and wrangle up some low-quality tail?

Jason: Surely you jest, Anthony. As you well know, my time is far too valuable for such excursions. Besides, I do believe that philandering about town behind Jessica’s back would cause quite a distraction, something you can ill afford.

Tony: Ah, screw that, man. Jess has been getting all of these phone calls from some weird smooth-talking guy. I think she’s going to dump me, so I figure I better blow the whole thing up first. You know, gotta protect the rep’.

Jason: Indubitably. I’m sure you know best, I’ll let you get back to it then. Just please remember to review the changes in the playbook. The Annexation of Puerto Rico is quite simple for an Ivy Leaguer, but for those of us who matriculated through Eastern Illinois it could be rather complex.

Tony: Yeah whatever, broseph.

[Giggling sounds from the bedroom]

Tony: Hey Jess, are you actually talking to that wackjob with the accent again?

Jess: Shut up Tony, he’s more man than you’ll ever be. I don’t even want to see you anymore, I wish you’d just go home and stay outta my life!

Tony: This is my house you addlebrained cum-guzzler.

Jess: Whatever, you’re a loser!

Tony: Bitch!

[Jessica enters]

Jess: You can’t call me that, my new man is coming over here and his friend is gonna kick your ass!

Tony: Whate-

[loud crashing noise]

Jess: Oh KITT, I love you more than anything, and I wanna have your car-babies!

Sad but (supposedly) true, Tony and Jess are no more.

Big thanks to LSUFreek for the magic.

In an interview with San Diego Union-Tribune, besides giving the photographer the laserface, Philip Rivers claims that his recuperation from his ACL injury is going swimmingly. Photoshop wunderkind LSUfreek has the lost footage of the one hiccup in the process. Hey, a Charlie Steiner sighting!