I can’t thank LSUFreek enough for this, his latest work of sorcery. After viewing the original video for the second time I decided that it needed to be Romo-fied, and that Freek was just the man to bring the vision to life. He did just that.

Be sure to check out more of Freek’s magic over at The Sporting Blog.

Original video via SKEETS

Special KSK photoshop correspondent LSUfreek has pointed out to us a recent ESPN report that Tony Romo will be playing at the Dallas National Golf Club on May 11, where he will no doubt lead the field in smiles. This, naturally, then prompted a hailstorm of freek’s .gif magic. Behold, ROMOPUTTFAIL.

He’s not the best for nothing, people.

LSUFreek comes through with flying fucking colors. This man has a gift (Rick Reilly says you could even say he has a gif!). He has the power to make my dreams, no matter how pointless and trivial, come to life. In a way, LSUFreek is like a better version of Jesus. You think Jesus knows how to use photoshop? FUCK AND NO. So bow down before our new savior.

Another LSUFreek masterwork. Turns out God is cornier than Kurt would have you believe.

Earlier this season, I enumerated just a small litany of ways in which Baltimore would barely qualify as a third-rate bombed-out township in the Gaza Strip. I could continue to list these ad infinitum, though I fear my hate would consume all of existence.

More than being possessed of a massive persecution complex that results in them being massive dicksmacks, I loath Baltimore fans for their false sense of toughness. I’d like to think that’s what rooting for a bunch of talk-talking, post-tackle-dancing, bounty-hunting drama queens will do to a fanbase, but I fear the problem runs a little deeper.

An instructive story:

I was at a game at an interleague game at Camden Yards in the spring of 2004 (this being still when the Or-ee-oos were the closest available MLB team to me) during the brief period when the Ravens were trying to orchestrate a trade for Terrell Owens which he nixed in favor of going to Philly (even T.O. isn’t dumb enough to want to play for the Ravens). The game was between the Giants and the Orioles, yet an entire section of Eagles fans had gotten tickets for the express purpose of chanting “WE GOT T.O.! WE GOT T.O.!”

Yes, at a game between the San Francisco Giants and the Baltimore Orioles, a group of Eagles fans had bought up an entire section at a baseball game and driven in just to taunt people from Baltimore about a football transaction that had taken place in the off-season. And this wasn’t a quick little chant. It went on FOR FOUR FULL FUCKING INNINGS! And nobody tried to stop them, save shooting them the occasional ugly look.

See, I respect the doucheiosity of Philadelphia fans. Because they’re legitimately scary. Truth be told, I’d be nervous attending a game at the Linc wearing visiting team colors. Not M&T Bank. Sure, pretend hard-ass Ravens fans will threaten you plenty if you show up in a road jersey. Stabbings, ass-kickings, other vague and unconvincing intimations of violence, what have you. And they’ll act on exactly none of it.

Because behind their (FEARSOME!) purple camo and plastic chains, they’re a bunch of exurban bitches wracked by insecurity. And guilt for having stolen a franchise. And the trademark Baltimore inferiority complex. And a Who’s Who of infectious disease.

Oh, how I hate them and everything in their city.

Okay, that’s not entirely accurate. I enjoy The Comics Curmudgeon guy. His wry take on the daily funnies never fails to brighten even the darkest day. The best part about him? His work is on the Intarwebs, meaning one need not visit Lord Baltimore’s herpetic lesion on the Chesapeake Estuary to access it.

For the rest of Bawlmer, let me extend to you my fondest Festivus greeting:

DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE

Preferably getting capped in the street like Bodie.

Far be it from me to mock anyone’s irrational beliefs, I have plenty of my own. But this video of Kurt Warner drawing God made me feel a little awkward on his behalf. But then, who am I to question whatever it is that makes Kurt’s mojo work? After all, if Carolina is foolish enough to get drawn into a shootout Saturday night, Warner is a game away from going back to the Super Bowl.

While Warner’s gridiron bona fides are above reproach, his drawing is short of divine. First of all, he starts out drawing God, but then he says he is really drawing Jesus. C’mon dude, pick one! I conducted a Kwick KSK straw-poll to determine who Warner’s drawing really looks like. Here are the responses I got:

• Chuck Manson
• Osama’s pubes
• Creepy Jesus
• Davendra Banhart

Conclusion: As far as artists go, Warner makes for a good rapidly-aging quarterback. Our good friend LSUfreek has another idea about the source of Warner’s greatness:

Well, I know what I’ll be watching on a constant loop for the next six decades.

Image via LSUFreek

Fah who for-aze!
Dah who dor-aze!
Welcome playoffs!
Come this way!

Fah who for-aze!
Dah who dor-aze!
Welcome playoffs!
Playoffs, yay!

[Meanwhile, on forbidding Marmalard Mountain]

[Sounds of packages being floated against the walls and cracks of thunder]

Look at them, all those Jays down in Cutlerfuckerville with their warped warbling. Droopy dregs of humanity with hangdog faces and vaginas where their penises should be. How I loathe their chokery and undeserved 4th seedery. So content are they in backing their way into the playoffs. So oblivious to the fact that the bitching hour is close at hand.

But you see, My Tiny Darren, we’re gonna steal their precious packaged playoffs right out from under their droopy sulkface noses. AREN’T WE?! FUCK AND YES WE ARE! There’ll be no Hochuli to stop us this time! No. Nothing stands in the way of King Laserface’s ascent to the top of the world! SADDLE UP YOU POCKET POOCH IT’S RIDING HIGH TIME!

Oh wow, the playoffs are coming. I’ve never experienced the magic of the postseason before, especially after we screwed the pooch the last two years. I’m like Tony Romo without the smiles.

Oh! What’s that clatter? Must be Santee Claus. I would know coming from Santa Claus, Indiana. I hope he brought me the unearned sense of accomplishment I asked for!

Hey! You’re not Santee! YOU’RE NOT SANTEE AT ALL!

Don’t touch that! That’s my division title! It’s mine! Give it!

Where are you taking me!? IIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Settle, settle, widdle inferior quarterback. You’ll have more time to enjoy your Christmas figgy pudding and doodazzlers once I’ve eliminated you from playoff contention. AND IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT THEN TOUGH TITTYFUCK YOU TRAGIC SULKFACE THE CLOWN! THEN I’M GONNA COLD RAPE THE COLTS IN THE POSTSEASON, JUST LIKE I DO EVERY YEAR! I HOPE THE VOLEKTRICITY IS READY! WHAT? HUH? WHAT? FUCK YOU!

[And that's when Marmalard's shriveled boner grew three sizes that day]

A Merry Playoffs to All, And May You All Get Stabbed in Your Sleep By a Marlinspike!

Ya betta ask somebodddddaaaaaayyyyyyy!

(Please visit the extremely talented LSUFreek’s new site when it goes up. Thanks for the images.)

Look, if you had one shot — one opportunity — to take an illegal handgun into a night club, then shoot yourself in the leg to jeopardize your multi-million-dollar contract, then spend 90 minutes trying to find a hospital that will treat your wound discreetly, then give that hospital a fake name and say the incident happened at an Applebee’s…

One moment.

Would you capture it… or just let it slip?

(image by the always awesome LSUFreek)

Giants-Redskins highlights the early slate. Plaxico Burress was already out of the game with a hamstring injury, but expect lots of talk about his accidental shooting. Some have already started speculating about possible legal consequences for Plax if he is found to have possessed a handgun illegally. But knowing what a stickler for the rules Plax is, we aren’t too worried about it. Also, Brandon Jacobs will be back in the lineup this week, after screwing a million fantasy teams last Sunday when he was a last-minute scratch. (Not that I’m still bitter or anything.)

Tampa Bay and New Orleans is the only other sexy match up among the early games. Elsewhere, the Panthers bring their smoke-and-mirrors show to Green Bay. The Bills and 49ers will be playing to determine once and for all who has to claim OJ Simpson. The resurgent Colts will be tuning up the ass-kicking machine in Cleveland. Regional viewers will have to sit through the Dolphins-Rams and Ravens-Bengals. You have my sympathies.

[ Thanks to LSUfreek for the creeptacular image ]