Some of you may have found out recently that I don’t have a girlfriend, and some people say that I don’t want one. That’s not true. I have a passion for personal relationships. I love being in love and sharing something special with a person that I share common interests with. And I love to have. I have a passion for laughing like no other quarterback you’ll find.

But no sex. At least, not before marriage.

If you and I were in a relationship, I would bring so much passion to that relationship game. I would be very passionate about our passion. If my love for our relationship were to be a type of comic book, it would be Action Comics No. 1 from 1938. That’s the first one that Superman was in. Some say that because of his many abilities and mild personality that Superman is boring.

At least he isn’t homo.

If I was to be your boyfriend, I would be the greatest boyfriend I could ever be. I would love you like I love the game of football. And I really love the game of football. But I can not take the game of football to Olive Garden. I cannot take the game of football to my mother’s house and talk about abortions with it. I cannot get down on one knee and propose to the game of football, because the game of football can neither say yes or no.

This is where you come in. Unless you’re a guy.

I want to be your boyfriend. I know what a tough choice it must be for you to think so much of an already set-for-life millionaire with an amazing body and reading comprehension of a fourth-grader, but all I want is a chance. A chance for your love. And some heavy petting.

And if I accidentally come on your face…well…just remember that it’s you going to Hell and not me.

Godbless.

I exhausted my capacity for whoring “Men With Balls” a while back, save for the ginormous ad to my immediate right. But there’s no way I’m not posting a video review done by some hefty chick who was forced by her boyfriend to read it. Makes the whole book writing process totally worth it. “It’s really quite disgusting.” Sure is, honey.

UPDATE: Video disabled now. CRIMINY!