You fackin’ Yankee-lovin’ faggots in Bristol have gawt sam fackin’ nerve! Last night was supposed to be ow-uh night! The fackin’ Red Sawx nation has waited YEE-AHS for you to recognize that ow-uh beloved Sawx deserve that Best Fackin’ Team ESPY.

AND YOU GO AND GIVE IT TO THE FACKIN’ GIANTS! FACK YOU! SACK MY FACKIN’ CAWK, YAH FACKIN’ ANKLEGRABBAHS!

(opens tin of Kodiak, tucks entire tin into lower lip)

Everyone knows that Kevin fackin’ Yooookulus and my boys deserved that fackin’ steel buttplug of a trophy you hand out. YOOOOOOOK!!!! My fackin’ boys were-ah the dawninant farce is awl of sparts last yee-ah. HOW DAY-UH YOU DENY THEM THE AWAAAAD THEY EARNED!

(spits into Snapple bottle)

I will NEVAH get ovah this, you fackin’ ball lickahs! This one’s a real stomach punch! I had to cawl my dad seven times last night just to make shar he wasn’t killed by yar fackin’ snub. And seein’ as how he drinks six handles of Popov a day, that’s nevah a safe bet! I myself had two listen tah two Incubus reckaaads in a row just tah calm myself down.

But that didn’t wark. So I kicked my garlfriend in the tits.

(spits into Snapple bottle)

I should have seen this coming. I knew you fackahs in Bristol ah biased towards New Yark. You always have been. YOU CONNECTICUT FACKS AAAAAHN’T TRUE NEW ENGLANDAHS! Oh, you may have lovely small towns and neglected shithole cities filled with shiftless dahkies, just like Mass, BUT YOU AAAAAHN’T FACKIN’ HAAAAHDCOR-UH LIKE US AND YAH NEVAH WILL BE! FACK YOU!

(spits into Snapple bottle)

You wish you were-ah fackin’ REAL Sawx fans like me and my buddy Sal, who just became a Sawx fan three yea-ahs ago, but yar nawt! YAH JUST FACKIN’ AMATCHAHS! It’s clear you know nothing about fackin’ sparts, nor could you pawssibly appreciate them on thah level that we legendary Baaaston fans do. If you did, you nevah would have given that fackin’ awaaahd to those faggots on the Giants!

(fills Snapple bottle with spit. Places it on “Dip Trophy” shelf. Opens Fruitopia bottle. Pours out Fruitopia. Spits into Fruitopia bottle)

The fackin’ Giants ahhh the best team in the warld? THEY WEREN’T EVEN THE BEST TEAM IN THE NFL! Everyone knows that Tawmmy Brady and my boy Billy Belichick were-ah the fackin’ cream of the NFL crawp last season. They were-ah the best team! They just happened to lose Supah Bowl Farty Two! The Giants gawt fackin’ lucky! The Pats still went 16-0 in the regulah season. You know how many othah teams have done that? Fackin’ zero! That’s history. Yar fackin’ denying history. YAH PRAWBABLY ALSO WANT TO DENY THE HAWLOCAWST, YOU FACKS! HAWLOCAWST DENY-AH! HAWLOCAWST DENY-AH! HAWLOCAWST DENY-AH!

(spits into Fruitopia bottle)

To deny my beloved Red Sawx and my somewhat beloved Pats they-ah rightful place in history is a fackin’ great disgrace upawn the reputation of needless awaaahd shows. You’ve lawst yah credibility, yah fackin’ ASSTHUMBAHS! This is the warst thing that has evah fackin’ happened in the history of everything evah. Even warse than when Karn cancelled they-ah consart in WOOSTAH! I was gawnna drawp acid that night! And I did!

(fills Fruitopia bottle. Spits on floor)

But you underestimate the great resawlve of the legendary Beantown faithful. We’ll get ovah this. Togethah. We’re-ah ah fackin’ tight knit town. We stick togethah. Except for those fackin’ nips on my cawnah. I hope they get fackin’ sent back to the fackin’ rice paddies! Ching chong cho, yah fackin’ gooks. LESS GOOKS, MOR-AH YOOOOOOOOKS!!!!

We survive. We endur-ah. Know why? Becawse we have charactah. You wouldn’t fackin’ undahstand that. But we do. We’ve lived through some haaaahd times. And this is one of those times. To think I was enjoyin’ another fackin’ Celtics title just a couple weeks ago, only to be knawked down by you facks once again.

(spits on floor)

Well, we’ll show you. We’ll get ow-uh ESPY, and then we’ll rub in yah fackin’ face UNTIL YOU WANT TO DIE! SUCK ON THAT, JIZZDRINKAHS!!!!

You know, during this very long campaign season, I have traveled this country far and wide. I have been to all 50 states, shaken thousands of hands, kissed hundreds of babies, and seen literally millions of faces. And everywhere I go, I hear the same thing from people: Don’t give up. Don’t surrender. Be a fighter, Hillary. And it really inspired me. It made me realize that I wasn’t just running for me. I was running for working mothers, and their daughters, and millions of people around the nation. They put their faith in me, and it would be a crime to let them down.

So I’m not going to let a simple thing like the fact that I lost get in the way of continuing this battle. I was born a fighter. My mother once said I kicked so hard in the womb that the walls of her uterus were punctured. And, by golly, I will stay a fighter. Now, I’ve heard lots of naysayers say things like, “She doesn’t have enough delegates,” or, “No, seriously, the primaries are basically over. She lost,” or, “Jesus fucking Christ, will this stubborn bitch get out of the way of history already?” Well call me crazy, but I don’t think anyone told Michael Dukakis to give up after George Bush pasted his ass in ’88! What’s that? They did? Well then, he’s a little goddamn weakling.

I don’t think anyone should tell anyone when to quit anything. What kind of world would we live in if everyone were told to fold in the face of literally insurmountable odds? I met a 5-year-old girl last month who said she wanted to raise unicorns one day. Who the gosh darn heck am I to tell her that she can’t do that? I met another man who said he wanted to be an Olympic bobsledder, despite being 60 years old and having no bobsledding experience of any kind. Why should that man be forbidden from doing something simply because he can’t do it? IT’S UNAMERICAN!

If this campaign has taught me anything, it’s to never, ever let anything get in the way of your dream. Not the cynics. Not the media. Not reality. Not the voters. Not the law. Not your family and friends. NOT ANYTHING. I don’t think I should drop out. And I don’t think we should leave Iraq.

And I think the New England Patriots should be allowed to continue playing Super Bowl XLII.

Think about it. I’ve talked to many Patriot players recently, and they all told me the same thing. Hillary, they said, we want to keep playing that game. And I think it is a CRIME that they weren’t allowed to do so. So the clock ran out. So what? Real trailblazers don’t follow the script. Those players wanted to continue playing, and they weren’t allowed to. That is NOT a league’s right to dictate that sort of thing. It should the right of the team playing to determine when they would like to stop playing. Otherwise, what kind of message are we sending to little football players all around the nation? Oh, sorry, kid! Time’s up! You lost! Nothing you can do about it now!

That’s bullshit.

I have in my hand a letter from a supporter of mine. A young man named Thomas O’Leary from Quincy, Massachusetts. Thomas is just 23 years old, and lives above a bar, on just a table runner’s salary. He is uninsured. He’s also battling an alcohol problem. I want to read you this letter, because to me it displays the real spirit of determination embodied both in myself and Coach Belichick’s team. Thomas writes:

De-ah Mrs. Fackin’ Rawd-um Clinton.

I am a cawncerned votah who would like to know what you would do, if elected, to GET MY BELOVED FACKIN’ PATS BACK ON THE FACKIN’ FIELD FOR SUPAH BOWL FARTY TOO!!! The fact that they stawpped thah fackin’ clawk is the biggest fackin’ injustice since Brown versus thah Bawd of Education! Everyone knows that fackin’ Billy Belichick’s crew was thah bettah fackin’ team that fackin’ day! EVEN THOSE FAGGOTS IN NEW YARK!

I would like to point you to the key demographics in which the Pats were-ah fackin’ dawminant. Okay? They-ah punting average was a full four-ah yaaaahds bettah than those New Yark faggots. And they had five more-ah first fackin’ downs. What kinda fackin’ team ah the Giants if they can’t win those fackin’ categories? Are they really the best representative we have far a Supah Bowl Champ? FACK NO! If the game had been allowed to continue, we all know fackin’ Tawmmy Brady would have pulled through. NO ONE DENIES THIS!

They would have taken the ball, maaaaaahched right up the fackin’ field, and hit Welkah awn a crossing pattuhn to win that game. Farthermore-uh, you never know what kind of horrible things could happen to the Giants if the game had kept goin’! What if someone, possibly my cousin Neil O’Leary, shot that faggot Eli dead in the overtime? Would the Giants have won then? I DOUBT IT! You have to keep playing, because you nevah know if someone’s gonna get injuhed, or taken the fack out!

I’d also like to note that the fackin’ Pats have a wide base of suppart from WHITE, WORKING CLASS FANS, THE BEST KIND OF FACKIN’ FANS IN THE WORLD! White fans aren’t gawnna let you down! You can’t really win without our help! I think we need to hear what these fans have to say befor-ah we just go ending this shit! AMERICA FEELS CHEATED OUT OF SEEING THE PATS GO 19-0!

So please, Senatah, do something about this travesty. Oh, and beat that dahhhkie!

Regaaaaaahds,

Tawmmy

PS – I totally switched to you after Chris fackin’ Dawd dropped out. You got a big fat ass, but Tawmmy ain’t kickin’ you off the Aerobed, honey.

Now who can argue with a letter like this? This is a young man, clearly deprived of any sort of education, who doesn’t want to give up hope. And that’s what we’re doing if we allow the Super Bowl to be played according to the rules. America should be a land of opportunity. And of freedom! Where you can get your way if you just stay in denial long enough. That’s why I’m staying in this race. And that’s why I say, LET THOSE FACKIN’ PATRIOTS PLAY!

God bless the Patriots. And little Thomas O’Leary. And me. Mostly me, because I need the support. And please don’t forget: Barack Obama is black. And is friends with other blacks. People far, far darker than you or I.

I’ll see you in November.

Well, well, well. Look who just just fackin’ exawnerated far cheating by Rawjah fackin’ Goodell himself? BILLY BELICHICK AND THE REST OF AMERICA’S TEAM, THE FACKIN’ NEW ENGLAND PAYTREE-UHTS! That fackin’ pussy snitch Matty Wawlsh didn’t have any hahhhhhhhhd evidence that my boys cheated in any way, shape, or farm. Case fackin’ closed. PUT THAT IN YOUR TAPE RECARDER AND JERK AWFF TO IT!

I know you fackin’ faggot hatahs out they-ah hoped far a different result. I know you held out hope, against all hope, that the fackin’ Pats jugguhnut was just some kind of illusion. But it’s nawt, you fackin’ losahs! Our collective dawminance was just as real as this Tazmanian Devil tattoo on my bicep. Look at fackin’ Taz! He’s fackin crazy, just like the fackin’ Tawmstah!

Anyway, now that The Genius and my beloved fackin’ Paytree-uts have been clee-uhed of all chaaaaaaaaahges, it’s time to collect some gawddamn restitution. That’s right! You fackin’ people owe the entiah Celtics Nation an Apawlogy.

And $3,000 trillion in punitive damages.

I don’t think you fackin’ faggots could possibly cawmprehend the terrible haaaaahtache this SpyGate case has caused, both to myself and the greater Massachusetts pawpulation. We have fackin’ suffahed a grave injustice, and now we demand to be paid far it! Now, I know you dahkies out there like to piss and moan all day long about how you deserve reparations. Maybe you fackin’ dahkies should try lookin’ far a job instead! My buddy Neil needs a busboy over at his pub/tanning salawn.

But those blackies don’t deserve any reparations. It was they-ah ancestahs that suffered. BUT WE PATS FANS AH SUFFERING NOW! This was REAL pain, inflicted by malicious hatahs! Don’t try comparin’ that to some sob stary about yah great great aunt being sold awn the open mahhhhhket! That’s unfay-uh!!

Furth-ah-mor-ah, I demand that the final scar of Super Bowl Farty Two be over-fackin’turned. That’s right! WE were not the ones who cheated! By accusing us of cheating, EVERYONE ELSE gained an unfay-uh psychomological advantage! That’s REAL cheating!

This entiah cawtroversy took an unimaginable toll on Tawmmy Brady, Tedi fackin’ Bruschi, and the rest of ow-ah heroes! You don’t think they wouldn’t have plowed the Giants like a Puerto Rican schoolgarl if they didn’t have that shit hangin’ over they-ah heads?! Such was they-ah despay-uh, that even the legendary rooting pow-ah of the great Baston faithful could not override it. And I think you know just how unlikely that is!

THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! THE PATS EASILY WON THAT GAME IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE BY SIXTY FACKING POINTS, YOU FACKS!

So I want that game overturned. And I want my money. I told my garlfriend I’d take hah to Cancun. BUT I WANNA DUMP HAH AND PAAAAHTY WITH SOME NARTHEASTERN U. TAIL INSTEAD!!!!

This has been a very hahhhd time for the great people of Celtics Nation. We have been terribly wronged. And now ow-ah great Celtics are being screwed out of a Cawnference Finals berth, depriving us awl of the Lakahs-Celts Finals that everyone in America wants WITHOUT A SINGLE EXCEPTION OF ANY FACKIN’ KIND.

All because of the refs and that facking LeBrawn dahkie. Everything thinks he’s so great. BUT HE DOESN’T HAVE KEVIN FACKIN’ MCHALE’S EYE-UHN WILL! McHale would have knawcked that big dumb dahkie right on his ass! Then the Gahhhhden faithful would have let him have it! You think LeBrawn would be tough enough to handle that?! I THINK NOT!

LeBrawn’s not so fackin’ tough! “Oh no, that guy fouled me too haaaahd! I got a booboo! Oh no! Someone put me in a choke hold!” Sack it up, BrawnBrawn. Your mama should be well acquainted with police choke holds by now!

You clearly lack the steely resolve and determination of Tawmmy Brady and Celtics Nation. NO ONE’S FACKING TOUGHER THAN US!

So please, pay us our punitive damages. We were-ah really hurt by all this.

These guys definitely didn’t skimp on the effects budget; the transition from the real Brady to the faux one is seamless. You probably won’t notice, except upon several studied viewings.

If Brady ever needs a double to distract the media while he sneaks over to Gisele’s crib, this doppelgänger should get the first call. See for yourself:

The NFL’s finest have gathered in Honolulu for the annual showdown betwee — Wait… should we prattle on about a game that no one gives a rats ass about anyway, or should we continue to revel in the misery of Pats fans?

Yeah, I thought so too. Let’s hear from Fitzy….

This may end up being the best off season ever. Cheers!

Christmas Ape linked to this petition earlier in the day, from Patriot fans calling on Roger Goodell to investigate the outcome of the Super Bowl. Yes, because no Boston team can ever lose without it being a cosmic injustice of notable historic significance, this petition has garnered well over 1,000 signatures from Boston-bred douchebags the world over. Let’s have a sample, shall we?

38. Dave Rosenthal I can’t believe this isn’t a big story. I mean, we should be 19-0, but the NFL hates that Pats, so instead we have to go through this the rest of our lives knowing we got gypped.

91. Bradley Whitaker The referees seemed as though they wanted the Patriots to finally lose.

119. Brandon Lathrop Proven That the game was over after eli was tackled, should have been a patriots win, this was a all set up by the nfl as a conspiracy.

109. Andrew Paterson It is obvious that, whether by accident or intent, the clock was kept in the last 1:40 illegally and in such a way that it cost the New England Patriots a fair chance to win the Super Bowl. This is not bitterness talking, I actually believe the outcome would or could have been different. Please, at the very least an acknowledgement or apolgy, if not your ordering of a replay of the game from that point on, even though I realize how much that is to ask.

105. alex ketabi this must be investigated. this completely proves that the patriots should be super bowl champions

312. Meaghan O’Toole give the patriots their rightful win

968. Daniel Duggan I was orinally signer 47. I have since found my dignity and self respect. I formally withdraw signature 47. Oh and this one too.Please don’t count me twice. Don’t count me once either. Don’t count me at all please. Though we did get ripped off 1:40. That kinda sucked. You know? I mean with that extra time and all, we could have won it. In fact we deserved to win. GOD DAMN. WE WERE CHEATED. We WERE EFFEN CHEATED! THIS SUCKS. THIS REALLY, REALLY, REALLY SUCKS. We should be 19-0 and on top of the world. Man, I hope this petition gets to Mr. Goodell. He can make it right. PLEEEEEASE make this right Roger. Please, Please,Please, Undefeated that’s what we should be. Undefeated.

1144. Shamus Hughes Not only was the game clock illegal, there were questionable calls during the pass in which Eli Manning threw that pass downfield, there were 2 holding calls, including a severe one on Adalius Thomas. The fact that the NFL is trying to make the Mannings the faces of the NFL has to stop and they have to realize that its time to start calling fair games, even if the Patriots are playing

194. Erik Frenz I don’t know much about the rules of the NFL but as a Patriots fan if this is true I feel cheated. If this is true there should seriously be a replay of the last 1:40 of the Super Bowl. I didn’t bet on it myself, but a lot of people lost or gained a lot of money on this game and the real outcome deserves to be known.

193. John Vairo I would like to call out all the hypocritical Giants’ fans here. If you think you’re so amazing, then why are you so afraid to possibly play another game? According to you, the Super Bowl is more important than any other game. So if you were so “dominant” in this “fixed” game, why are you so afraid to replay 2 minutes of a game or even a whole additional game? You talk so high and mighty like you’re the greatest team ever, but then hide in the corner, content with the excuse of “Well, we won. It doesn’t matter if it was fixed or not.” I strongly encourage the commissioner of the NFL to investigate this matter, because to not, would destroy the integrity of the game, and will make me stop watching the NFL from now on, because it is clearly fixed.

Stunning, isn’t it? You wouldn’t think that one group of people could reach suchs high levels of both arrogance and insecurity simultaneously. It’s the sort of thing anthropologists will study years from now, asking themselves, “How was such douchebaggery enabled in a civilized society?” Alas, I do not know the answer. I wish I did. I really, really do. So we at KSK felt naturally obligated to sign the petition as well. Here were our sentiments.

1116. Obill Bin Cheetin All my internet warriors. Stay in cave. We weather storm together. Camel lick raw butt. We be better in no time.

1186. Tommy This is fackin’ bull shit! That dahhhkie Mike Carey rawbbed our man Welkahhhhh of the MVP! AS FAAAAAHHHH AS I’M CONCERNED, WE’AH UNBEATEN!!!!

1183. B-Simm It’s not fair! This was supposed to be OUR moment! I had a bag of frozen peas waiting for Tom!

1151. supermike4ever I only started rooting for the Patriots once they started winning Super Bowls. Now I don’t know what to do.

1163. Matt Walsh I am filming all of you signing this.

We encourage you to sign it as well. Show these Pats fans that you support them. They need you. BECAUSE THEY ARE FUCKING LOSERS WHO CANNOT GET OVER ANY SLIGHT THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO THEM, BE IT REAL OR IMAGINARY. We’ll post the best ones here. Please note you can sign it many times over!

UPDATE: Here are some good ones:

1152. Teddy Bruschi’s Skull Clot I’ll be back and so will the…….*thud*

1160. Randy Moss’ girlfriend Please let Randy win the Super Bowl! He’s going to kill me!

1177. T Kennedy The Er Eh… Pats were er eh robbed.

1181. Bob Hi there. I’m a Pat’s fan. I believe that we were robbed. I also believe that having a cock up my ass is very enjoyable.

1184. Victor Kiam Every time I think that the city of Boston can’t sink any lower they go and do this-AND TOTALLY REDDEM THEMSELVES!!

1196. Retard Ed McDouche Not only should the NFL investigate this game, but they should review every game from the last 25 years and award every Super Bowl to the Pats. Tom Brady is the one true Messiah and Coach Bellichik should be elected president. This is all the fault of black people. Now I have to go drink whiskey and beat my wife.

1215. Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer Your world frightens and confuses me, when I see a solar eclipse, like the one I went to last year in Hawaii, I think ‘Oh no! Is the moon eating the sun?’ I don’t know. Because I’m a caveman — that’s the way I think. But there is one thing I do know, the Patriots were robbed of their rightful championship

1294. hines ward prease lepray superbewrr. praxico is tarr leceivel but i win superbewrr without him! i hate praxico! he no make me smerre.

UPDATE: Oh noes! They’re brought out the Powerpoint presentations! Non-calls, of course, means cheating by the other team!

We’ve sadly come to the final WHO YA GOT? until September and we’re left to wonder what can carry us across the seven-month void of no football. Likely it’s two activities that will never get old: maliciously glorying in the Greatest Choke Job of All-Time (tm 2007 New England Patriots, all rights reserved) or some good old-fashioned fucking, like yo mamma used to make. Which is better? Which will help us more to cope with the offseason? WHO YA GOT?

Hopefully they dispatched the waaaaahmbulance to this place. Not to help the Pats fans, but because they should collect their tears. I think they cure cancer. At least they clear up anything that’s bothering me.

Much thanks to TheJetsBlog.

Update: Shock of shocks! Obama didn’t carry Massachusetts. Wonder why?

Well, it’s the end of the day and I’m so very sad. Because it’s been such a pleasure to wallow in the misery of the Patriots and their fans. Seriously. You people earned it. You got fucked. I’m so very, very pleased for your loss.

And so, to close out this historic day of hateration, we dole out a final round of hearty and oh-so-sincere FUCK YOUS to the Patriots and everyone associated with them.

Yes, FUCK YOU, Bob Kraft. Model franchise, my ass. Why don’t you go have a glass of water to clear out the frog that’s been in your throat for the past 60 fucking years.

FUCK YOU to Bill Belichick. You know what’s even nicer than that fact you lost, you fucking shit stain? The fact that you might also lose your fucking job. Isn’t that lovely? Not only did you lose a game, but you also stand to lose your livelihood, your reputation, and your legacy. I, for one, am extremely excited for you to grow a beard, move to Iceland, and become an anti-semite. Cockbag.

FUCK YOU to the Patriots fans out there. “This one hurts!” “This one stings!” Awww, you poor things! You had to suffer through ONE loss all year! Oh no! HERE COMES THE RAIN AGAIN! You may never recover! If only I could do something to console you. Oh, I know.

/whips out dick

Choke on it.

FUCK YOU, as always, to Bill Simmons. Here, I rewrote your article today so that it was even closer to your own voice:

“When the final seconds ticked down on Super Bowl XLII, I and presumably the rest of Boston had but one thought: REGGIE LEWIS.”

Suck it. No Tom Brady soiree for you, dipshit. Just an awkward conversation with Ufford and big helping of shut the fuck up.

FUCK YOU to Patriot players who invited Giant players to their celebration parties AS THEY WERE GETTING THEIR ASSES HANDED TO THEM DURING THE GAME. Well done, jackasses. No egos in that locker room!

FUCK YOU, Mitt Romney. You’re a loser, too.

FUCK YOU to Jim Nantz. Your favorite team lost, you white asshole.

FUCK YOU to Tedi Bruschi, seen here getting the famous “Umenyiora Chaser”.

FUCK YOU to the Pats’ o-line and their playoff beards. Go play hockey or work in Chelsea love dungeon, you hairy-assed fat fucks.

FUCK YOU to Randy Moss. Disappearing in a big game against the Giants? Hey, thanks for the flashback to 2000, you dick. I hope the charges stick this time.

FUCK YOU to the Patriot Way. “Oh, we’re not like other franchises! We’re selfless! We’re all about the team! All we care about is winning! We invented teamwork! No other team has better chemistry! WE HAVE A CULTURE! WE’RE SPECIAL AND WAY BETTER THAN YOU!” Die.

FUCK YOU to all the Pats fans who talked about how getting caught in some malfeasance - cheating, beating up women, taking steroids - only made the team better. “We draw power from our ability to break rules!” Guzzle cock, fucktasters.

FUCK YOU to Matt Walsh. Guess what I taped last night? Me punching your children.

FUCK YOU to the Pats equipment manager. I dunno who you are, but I fucking hate you.

FUCK YOU to Koolaid Maroney. That’s what you get for denying the existence of construda.

FUCK YOU to your Amstel Light. Shit probably tastes great right now, huh?

FUCK YOU to WELKAHHHHH.

FUCK YOU to any children who root for the Patriots. I hope your peers shun you in middle school.

FUCK THIS BABY.

And if there’s anyone else I forgot, kindly go and get fucked. You lost. Forever. Enjoy the offseason, you losers.

See? Giants fans embrace their ugly stereotypes. That’s why we like them so much more than Patriots fans. That is, at least for another few days, until their gloating gets old and we wish them all dead.