We’re here to circulate all the lies that the Patriots have told to Peter King leading up to the draft. We’ll still feign incredulity when none of them come to pass. Because alcohol makes that fun.

What’re the chances that Roger Goodell opens the broadcast by bringing Judge Nelson’s head out on a spike, only to use the spike as a pull-up bar to further intimidate the weak-kneed players union? Absolute? Total absolute?

Join us for immature banter and cheesecake (in the soft porn sense, no punch and pie) set to the tune of young men becoming impossibly wealthy before our very eyes. Serious football analysis might be interspersed, but we’re confident that it will promptly be shouted down. BAHAHAHAHAHA NO LOCKOUT FOR NOW!

It was quite the week for NFL-related errors in newspaper headlines. As you can see above, the Green Bay Press-Gazette misspelled Chicago on its front page, which is either an extremely careless error or a roundabout means of trash talk (“Geddit? Chi-COCK-O!”). This came days after an inattentive copy editor at The Times-Picayune neglected to replace the dummy text in a headline for a story about the Jets-Patriots game last Sunday.

Either that, or the paper distributes a special edition for dyslexics. This would be the version Rex Ryan bought.

The big scandal in the run-up to the NFC championship is that the game will feature Terry McAulay, the head referee of the officiating crew that flagged the Packers an astounding 18 times when the two teams played on Monday night in Chicago in Week 3. Of course, the rest of the ref crew will be different. And, if memory serves, the grand majority of the calls against Green Bay in the first meeting of the season weren’t particularly egregious. Sometimes, it’s possible that one team just committed more mistakes. There’s no rule that infractions and penalty yards need be perfectly level each week. [Gets shouted down by several thousand irate fans screaming about referee conspiracies.]

Oh, and this is pretty badass. Now I finally understand the “Wait! Wait! Don’t Tell Me” prize of getting Carl Kasell recording your message on your voicemail.

There’s been so much talk about this game that I’m actually anticipating the game being over more than I am the game being played. But the tabloids would have us believe that this is the MOAST IMPAHTANT GAME EVAH, and no one’s going to tell them otherwise. Not you, not you, and not you!

Prediction: bitches gon’ get pregnant.

For as much bad blood is flowing in the AFC divisional match-ups, there’s frighteningly little animosity going on in the other conference. Green Bay visited Atlanta earlier this season and got screwed by the lack of review that could have overturned what might have been a decisive play in the game, but there appears to be little bitterness on their part going into the rematch.

Aaron Rodgers got his first playoff win last week in Philly and was greatly aided by James Starks making it seem for a week like the Packers had a viable running game. Meanwhile, Matt Ryan is seeking his first postseason victory. His first postseason appearance ended quickly in 2008 when the Falcons were the first victims of the Buzzsaw Super Bowl charge. No doubt someone who goes by Matty Ice will only be further humbled by gaining success on the big stage.

Eagles and the Packers in the playoffs should evoke memories of the 4th and 26 conversion the Eagles pulled off en route to losing yet another NFC title game. If nothing else, it gave ESPN cause to dredge up the festering corpse of Freddie Mitchell. Fred-Ex had quite the recollection of the play. One might say incredibly delusional. Another might say hilariously self-absorbed. I’ll say DERPtarded.

You know that play is a love-hate play for me because that was the first time they threw to me the whole friggin’ game. I was blocking my ass off doing everything it took, doing the stuff that society doesn’t recognize.

A block that dare not speak its name.

That whole year sucked for me, and the next year sucked even more. But anyway…

Back to my flash in the pan…

I actually had to go tell the coaches that I was wide open and to throw me the ball. The coaches literally had to talk into Donovan’s headset and tell him I was wide open and to throw it to me.

Donovan looked at me in the huddle and said, “Ready?” And I said, “Dude, I’ve been ready the whole game.”

“Dude, I was born ready to tell you I was ready.”

I started reading the defense as soon as I got to the line of scrimmage. For most guys, it takes a lot of years to read defenses like that.

The name of the play was a 2 Jet Double Go. What it does is sends Pinkston and Thrash on “Go” routes and what I do, as the Sultan of Slot, is I read the middle. I had to take a certain angle that most young receivers wouldn’t have taken. Any other angle and it would have been a bum play. I was the master of finding holes, and I knew right where the hole would be. It was money.

Rookies would never be able to cram as many douchebag cliches into a single paragraph. Fred-Ex got at least a half dozen in there.

First of all Donovan’s pass was behind me and it was wobbly, but I had to take advantage of the opportunity that was presented to me. Right when I caught the pill, I kind of knew I had the yardage right away. I looked at the sticks and to see where I was at and I knew I got it. I felt like Michael Jordan hitting a last-second shot or Tiger Woods sinking a 50-foot putt.

Then I had to pull out the belt…

“And drop my pants so I could shit the bed on the rest of my career.”

When your franchise’s last postseason victory came against the Houston Oilers, you’ve been going through quite a bit of football frustration the last generation or so. And so it is with the Chiefs, whose last win in playoffs came following the 1993 season.

With reports that offensive coordinator Charlie Weis has already mentally checked out augurs bad things for KC’s chances of victory and the possibility of seeing more screaming matches with Todd Haley. Then again, given that Joe Flacco has the lowest postseason passer rating of any active quarterback with multiple starts in the playoffs, they may not have to put up 30+ to come away with a win over Bawlmer.

The Ravens almost caught a huge break with Dwayne Bowe being questionable most of the week with an illness, but the receiver was removed from the injury report on Saturday, indicating that he’s ready to go. Luckily, the Chiefs only, for whatever cockamamie reason, accept players from two-parent homes so there no doubt plenty of players capable of suggesting the white people cold cure of Sprite and chicken noodle soup.

NOTE: we’ll be live-blogging the Sunday night game tonight, for better or worse. Likely worse.

So, this is historic, if there are historic records for mediocrity: the 7-8 Rams play the 6-9 Seahawks in Qwest for the NFC West Division title. The Rams seem on the rise, led by rookie Sam Bradford and an aggressive defense. The Seahawks are in trouble: Matt Hasselbeck is a game-time decision, and if Charlie Whitehurst starts, the Seattle defense gets downgraded from “anemic” to “Panthers.” However, if the Seahawks win, they will be the first sub-.500 team in modern NFL history to make the playoffs. If they lose, they’ll likely get a top-10 pick in the draft. WIN-WIN, BABY!

Meanwhile, there are two ten-win teams in the NFC who will miss the playoffs. Can we all be grown-ups and try not to complain about this too much? It’s unfortunate for the Buccaneers and Giants, but plenty of teams have finished 10-6 and not made the playoffs: the Browns in 2007, the Chiefs in 2005, the Dolphins in 2003, and both the Eagles and 49ers in 1991. (It even happened to the Seahawks in 1986, but that was when the playoff system regularly screwed 10-6 teams, so the comparison isn’t very apt.)

I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry the NFC West sucks. There are more worthy teams for the playoffs, but the NFC West has to send ONE team, and this is as close to a real rivalry as the NFC West can give us. This may not have the hatred you see in the NFC East, but I can assure you all that I hate the Rams more than any team but the Steelers. I get ill thinking about the highlights that NBC is sure to dredge up tonight: the 2004 season, in which the 9-7 Seahawks won the division (losing twice to the Rams in the process, once in overtime) but lost to the 8-8 Rams in the first round of the playoffs, 27-20, when Bobby Engram dropped a pass in the end zone to end the game. Can’t wait to relive that one! Guhhhhhhhhh.

Guhhhhhhhh for all of us, really. But at least Saints fans can enjoy it: next week, New Orleans will deliver a deserved ass-whipping to the winner of this game. So there’s that. Now let’s get through this.

Normally, Ed Rendell is a never-ending font of fatheaded Filthydelphia f*cktardery, but I’ll give the Pennsylvania governor credit for ragging on The Rog for postponing the Vikes-Eagles game on Sunday on account of a blizzard. And he threw in some right fine racial stereotyping for good measure.

If this was in China, do you think the Chinese would have called off the game? He’s right, the people would have been marching down to the stadium, they would have walked, and they would be doing calculus on the way down.

And when they got there, they wouldn’t even watch the game until they finished their piano lesson! And if they complained – BLAM! – gunned down on the spot. Won’t even do the decency of hauling away your corpse. Just let you bleed out all over South Street. That’s the America I want to live in: China!

I guess it is ironic that the Eagles ever won a title.

Derpwhile, Ol’ Brittfar remains listed as doubtful, though he’ll probably pull some horseshit an hour before kickoff, whether he actually starts or not. Don’t know about you guys, but I got enough brainless knob slobbing for ill-advised throws last night with Breesus, so we’re probably set for the rest of our lives. Thanks anyway, Favraro. Please watch your career’s final primetime loss on the sideline like a nice Dongslinger.

And to get the endless fantasy discussion started, what with many a league championship being determined tonight, I’ll give you the outlook of my three teams still in contention.

Semifinal – Down 13. Starting DeSean. Opponent’s starters are all done. That’s a solid maybe.
Semifinal – Up 31. Starting Vick. Opponent has DeSean and LeSean. Probably good here.
Championship game – Up two. Starting Maclin. Opponent (Maj) has Vick. I’m boned.

The Falcons have to lose out and the Saints have to win out for anyone other than Atlanta to win the NFC South. As everyone knows, the city of New Orleans began its completely real sports-guided road to redemption when the Saints blocked that Falcons punt on the Monday night game in 2006, which is something Dirty Bird fans must never be tired of constantly reliving.

Falcons players themselves seem to be plenty tired of it, as evidenced by Roddy White’s New Orleans diatribe on Twitter last week.

What is it with receivers and blaming God for things? If Atlanta wants a championship, they need some sort of biblical disaster to unfold within city limits. Does “The Walking Dead” count?

Remember, this is the final Monday Night Football broadcast of the season, so savor Jaws’ further devolution into slavering superstar nuthugger and possibly Gruden’s final THIS GUY in the booth, at least until he botches his next head coaching job. Not that this is the final primetime game of the week or anything.

Brett Favre is pulling some last minute dramatics that suggest he might start. Failing that, he’s getting in some good attention whoring before occupying half the ESPN broadcast via anguished sideline shots. Meanwhile, TCF Stadium is approaching Heinz Field levels of hazardous conditions.

Chris Kluwe is especially concerned. No worries, pally. If anyone is catastrophically injured, it’s probably not going to be the sorry-ass punter. Even if said punter has the best reaction to the helmet hits madness of any NFL player to date.