If only the Broncos had just gone ahead and traded Kyle Orton to the Dolphins, things might be somewhat better right now. Tim Tebow would have started right out of the gate for Denver – no fuss, no billboard bullsh*t. He would have sucked and probably would have already been benched by now. And the Dolphins would be marginally better at quarterback. Even if Orton had been injured as Chad Henne was, at least then Henne would be starting tonight instead of Matt Moore. Big deal, you scoff. WELL IT IS! Matt Moore makes Chad Henne look like Aaron Rodgers. This will not be fun. You remember that game last season between the Bears and Panthers where Chicago won 23-6 even though their starting QB, Todd Collins, completed 37.5 percent of his passes, threw four interceptions and had a QB rating of 6.2? Probably not, and you shouldn’t, but here’s a pertinent fact: MATT F*CKING MOORE WAS THE OPPOSING QUARTERBACK.

It’s all up to super cray-cray wide receiver Brandon Marshall to live up to his promise of a quarter and a half of amazing output before he does something derptarded and gets himself tossed from the game. Knowing him, he’ll punch a woman or something, but we’ll get to experience the shocking and disturbing moment together.

The Lions were once a laughingstock, what with Matt Millen, 0-16, never going to a Super Bowl and employing Scott Mitchell for an extended period of time. Now, with their 4-0 record and a chance to match the Packers as the only unbeaten team in the NFL through five weeks, the Lions are an admirationstock. They have the Silver Crush, which is a stupid nickname for a formidable defensive front. There’s Calvin Johnson, who is going to finish the season with 65 touchdowns. And Matt Stafford has managed to stay healthy for an entire month. The Lions are so exciting that the league is allowing them to occupy the national spotlight for one time other than the annual early game blowout on Thanksgiving. CONGRATS, DEYYYYTWAAAA, FOR SPORTS EXCELLENCE! NO THANKS STILL DON’T WANNA GO THERE! BUT KUDOS!

Naturally, however, THE CURSE OF THE RIVE BROG, will render the Lions attack lifeless, cripple Megatron, get Suh suspended for a late hit and result in a 5-0 Bears victory, with Jason Hanson missing six field goals. Sorry in advance, Detroit.

During the Sunday Night Football Night In Redundancy Night pregame show, Bart Scott dubbed himself “The Mad Backer” which is just about as stupid a nickname as the “T-Sizzle” moniker belonging to former teammate and tonight’s opponent, Terrell Suggs. Not to be outdone, Terrell Suggs did what he does in preparation of any big game – he resorted to TEE SHIRT TRASH TALK! DOWN WITH HOMEWORK! DONE WITH HOMEWORK!

Ha ha, it’s so funny until you realize Bart Scott gets paid royalties on those shirts. (UPDATE: or not.)

Anyway, these two teams played a painfully sloppy game in Week 1 last year, so let’s hope for something just a little more watchable this go-round. Also, the swift end of Ray Lewis’ playing career. Not asking for much, here.

Bless you, NFL.com writer Jeff Darlington. In his debut piece for the site, Darlington profiles The Cumslinger, who is either finally righting an erratic career or enjoying a brief stint of competence before fumbling his way out of the league. Either way, Darlington earns an eternal place in KSK’s cold, unfeeling black heart by forcing Sexy Rexy to read Drew’s brilliant first Sex Cannon post.

I asked Grossman if he’s ever seen the popular (albeit crude) blog post on KissingSuzyKolber.com known as “Unleash the Dragon.” [Editor note: actual post title contains more cuss words] It’s a satirical essay that’s composed as if Grossman wrote it.

“Making a bunch of big throws in college made me addicted to that kind of stuff,” Grossman said. “So I think I had the same mindset in Chicago. And you know what? I did make a bunch of big plays. But I also made a bunch of plays I shouldn’t have.”

That right, Rexy. You give the diplomatic answer. Before we know it, you’ll be running wild through Jerry Jones entire collection of sky pussy. “Susan Skaggs, unhinge your crotch. THE DRAGON’S BEEN UNLEASHED!”

Under no circumstances will this game not be all about Michael Vick all the time. Which I guess is all right. Worse players to suffocatingly hog the spotlight. Especially when we get tender moments between Ookie and Mr. Home Depot Man.

Really wish they had saved that one for the coin toss. Nothing like hearing an entire dome breaking into a collective BAWWWWWWWWWW.

“Let’s live blog two.” – Some baseball asshole

Presenting the regular season debut of Ocho with the Pats. The first appearance of the tired husk of Larry Johnson with Miami. Mostly likely Reggie Bush’s first five fumbles with the Dolphins.

Oh yeah, and there’s a late game. Maybe if six Broncos quarterbacks get hurt, maybe Tebow will play.

We had so much fun mocking the idiot savant-lets last year, we decided to get drunk and do it again. Okay, to be sure, we were already drunk when we made that decision. On Twitter, that would be #DRUNJ, but for the sake of standardized spelling, we’ll be stick with the conventional tonight.

Also, Erin Andrews has been replaced by Rob Stone for this year’s broadcast, so that should reduce awkward speller boners by a legitish 100 percent.

We’re here to circulate all the lies that the Patriots have told to Peter King leading up to the draft. We’ll still feign incredulity when none of them come to pass. Because alcohol makes that fun.

What’re the chances that Roger Goodell opens the broadcast by bringing Judge Nelson’s head out on a spike, only to use the spike as a pull-up bar to further intimidate the weak-kneed players union? Absolute? Total absolute?

Join us for immature banter and cheesecake (in the soft porn sense, no punch and pie) set to the tune of young men becoming impossibly wealthy before our very eyes. Serious football analysis might be interspersed, but we’re confident that it will promptly be shouted down. BAHAHAHAHAHA NO LOCKOUT FOR NOW!

It was quite the week for NFL-related errors in newspaper headlines. As you can see above, the Green Bay Press-Gazette misspelled Chicago on its front page, which is either an extremely careless error or a roundabout means of trash talk (“Geddit? Chi-COCK-O!”). This came days after an inattentive copy editor at The Times-Picayune neglected to replace the dummy text in a headline for a story about the Jets-Patriots game last Sunday.

Either that, or the paper distributes a special edition for dyslexics. This would be the version Rex Ryan bought.

The big scandal in the run-up to the NFC championship is that the game will feature Terry McAulay, the head referee of the officiating crew that flagged the Packers an astounding 18 times when the two teams played on Monday night in Chicago in Week 3. Of course, the rest of the ref crew will be different. And, if memory serves, the grand majority of the calls against Green Bay in the first meeting of the season weren’t particularly egregious. Sometimes, it’s possible that one team just committed more mistakes. There’s no rule that infractions and penalty yards need be perfectly level each week. [Gets shouted down by several thousand irate fans screaming about referee conspiracies.]

Oh, and this is pretty badass. Now I finally understand the “Wait! Wait! Don’t Tell Me” prize of getting Carl Kasell recording your message on your voicemail.