It’s true! After all, the Packers run a 3-4 now. Surely there is nothing that can stand in their way once they installed such a visionary defensive system. Anyway, we’re already liveblogging the two Monday Night games tomorrow, but what’s one more on Kickoff Weekend? Join us for some general mockery of Cutler and cursing of the NBC announcing team, which is contractually obligated to cram mentions of Jay Leno’s return down our gullets. And they actually did a decent job Thursday night.

That headline is only to ensure that when the Bengals defensive tackle starts in on his next bout of Google self-examination, he drops by our little site. Hi Tank! No weapons here! Carson Palmer’s high ankle sprain suffered against the Saints will no doubt figure heavily in this episode, paving the way for some displays of vainglory by our favorite pugilating quartered back (because that’s how he talks, you’ll see) and no doubt a lot of focus on Ocho’s successful extra point attempt and hopefully even more on his tense exchanges with Bill Belichick.

Yes, it’s time again for another Spongetech-powered live blog of the Cincinnati Bengals-highlighted season of Hard Knocks. Already down the irreplaceable Reggie Kelly and the guy with the reverse raccoon face, how will Marvin Lewis get his team focused for the start of the season? Strategic airhorn playing? More apples in the vending machine? Random quotes from Jordan Palmer? ONLY TIME WILL TELL!

We’re taking a break from watching Punte wage a pitched Twitter war with Chad Ocho Cinco so that we can live blog the first episode of the new season of HBO’s Hard Knocks, which is following the Cincinnati Bengals on the beginning of their epic quest to maybe five wins. Be sure to follow along with us, premium cable subscribers (I only have HBO and Sunday Ticket because I can write them off as a business expense, suckerzzzz). Last year offered us Peter King scarfing popcorn with Jerry Jones. What wonders await in this year’s edition? How quickly can Chris Henry and Ocho reduce Laveranues Coles to tears in a receivers meeting? How irate will Bengals fans be when they realize HBO spends more money on this show than Mike Brown does on his team? Can Rey Maualuga pick up where Odell Thurman left off? On a barely tangential Bengals note, of their surely masochistic fans, Chris Littmann, has decided to bring me on as a regular contributor to The Sporting Blog beginning Aug. 24, so be sure to drop by there in two weeks to supplement your daily intake of Ape.*

*I promise to be less obviously homoerotic by then

It’s here and so are we… at least for as long as the starters are in. Which means a nice 15 minute live blog.

LIVE BLOG SNEAK ATTACK! Yes, it’s the one baseball event before September that’s actually somewhat enjoyable to watch. Or at least it would be if Berman didn’t force his shtick on everyone throughout the entire telecast. You know he’s spent the entire afternoon memorizing suburbs outside St. Louis so that every home run he has something stupid to yell out. “THAT ONE’S HEADING FOR CHESTERFIELD!” Oh, how you must die, Berman, you don’t even know how you must die.

Live blog sneak attack!

We’re gonna be covering the finals of the Scripps National Spelling Bee, where the one Indian kid is gonna misspell one technical word with no application in everyday life and another Indian kid will correctly spell the term for a Greek unit of measurement in which each unit stands for the distance between orgies. Also, Erin Andrews making socially destitute young men fumble to hide their boner in their waistband! What’s that, you say? “The NBA Playoffs are going on tonight! That’s interesting!” Only if LeBron goes down in flames.

The NFL moving the start of the draft to 4 p.m. is an unforgivable sin, thus forcing us viewers to forestall our boozing for almost an entire afternoon, lest we be too bleary eyed to even make out the draft ticker (that sucker moves quickly in the later rounds). I mean, it’s gonna be, like, 9 by the time the finally Steelers pick. I’ll be too wasted to make a Secret World of Alex Mack joke when Pittsburgh takes the center from Cal. And the effects of WittenGate ‘08 are shown with Ed Werder somewhere other than Dallas on draft day for the first time since Kogod knows when.

Five out of the six members of the KSK crew will be boozing up at an undisclosed location near the center of the earth, or at least at a basement bar, so I’ll be able to relate directly how distraught/close to suicide either Ufford or Maj are if their team takes Mark Sanchez. Or how irritated I’ll be if Darrius Heyward-Bey has to play for the goddamn Ravens.

HEY, READERS! REMEMBER LIVE BLOG? HE’S BACK! IN POG FORM! Yes, KSK live blogification returns this Saturday to cover the first round of the NFL Draft. So, join us, won’t you for more Grimey keeping things moving with Lucy Pinder pictures and StaubachLVR pronouncing every pick a bust. I’ll try to get video of Maj crying into his pretzel when the ‘Skins take Sanchez.

Hugh Jackman doing a mincy, singing performance at the Oscars can’t really do wonders for the upcoming Wolverine movie, can it? Only unless he finds a way to tie in noted gay superhero Northstar of Alpha Flight into his antics, then go Weapon X on him. Man, I hope Alpha Flight is in that movie. Stupid Canadian mutants. Anyway, it’s the Oscars. Long and plodding and no longer honoring dead people.