Cherish these moments, friends. For this is the final Monday Night Football of the season. It was a fraught year for the primetime institution, what with sloppy blowout after sloppy blowout, Hank Williams Jr. getting bounced for getting Hitler-y on his rowdy friends and, to top it off, stadium blackouts. Don’t know what we’ll do without you. Maybe Gruden will actually land a coaching job before next season. Probably not, but we try to remain hopeful.

I initially figured that the Falcons have little to play for, having clinched the playoffs last night with a Chicago loss. But upon further investigation, it appears Atlanta can still technically catch the Saints for the NFC South title, longshot though it may be. So they’ll be playing in the Wild Card round regardless, but they could maybe host a game and spoil the Saints’ outside chance at a first-round bye. Ah, the joys of seeding. A shame they’re playing in the Superdome, where New Orleans wins every game by 40. It’s okay, though, because the Falcons have a really awesome conditioning regimen that eliminates injuries forever.

“I’m very confident with what we’ve been doing over the last three and a half years,” said general manager Thomas Dimitroff, who described the methods as semirevolutionary.

Quasi-innovative-esque! No wonder PK loves him.

Because the Texans and Ravens got stomped yesterday, with a win tonight the Steelers can assume the top seed in the AFC with two games left against the Rams and Browns. Too bad the yinzers are without Maurkice Pouncey due to injury, James Harrison due to other people’s injuries and with a gimpy Graydick on the road against a 10-win team fighting for the possibility of its own playoff bye. Speaking of THE BEN, its his first-ever start in San Francisco, which Peter King might find INTERESTING because Roethlisberger grew up as a 49ers fan, just as any bandwagon hopper in Findlay, Ohio in the ’80s would be.

Our live blog last week was easily the most enthralling of the season, so I have little doubt the follow-up will be an inevitable 9-6 derpfest. At least you dear readers will get to mock your live blog moderating homer endlessly when the Steelers finish with 120 total yards on offense.

[In case you're curious about the live blog banner image]

The sole unfortunate side effect of the Eagles’ nosedive is that very middling Giants and Cowboys teams are left to stage a derp-off for the conference’s fourth seed. While this might seem sad in concept, it’s pretty hilarious in execution when marquee teams such as these are involved. For example, New York’s noble defeat to the Packers was further marred by Tom Coughlin issuing some of the stupider challenges we’ve seen from any coach this season, Lovie included. And, of course, there was Jason Garrett’s self-induced kick icing in the Dallas loss to the Buzzsaw.

Who knows what delights tonight will bring. Drew said this week, “You know ‘Boys/Giants will have a clusterf*ck ending. I can’t wait.” I’m inclined to agree.

By all indications, this should be a repeat of last week’s Superdome curbstomping that the Saints put on the Giants, only with a lighter shade of blue despair. It would be nice if NBC doesn’t see fit to copy ESPN and show six hours of mumbling game plan meetings between Drew Brees and Sean Payton in a drab hotel conference room. Bob Costas will half a halftime denunciation ready. He will decry the meetings as boastful and overly stimulating. Then Costas will demand that a plain text crawl of his musings replace al other visuals.

Nothing to do with the impending blowout, but what’s going on with The Matron Saint’s giant ’80s hair? A reference to the old Sarah Palin sportscasting days? Dropping hints that she and Tyler Palko deserve to be as one? Your guess is as good as mine.

What’s this? A Monday night game between two teams well positioned in the playoff chase? How many times has that happened this season? Oh yeah – once. It was Week 5 with Detroit and Chicago [Okay, Philly-Chicago is arguably another and the game itself was superior to Bears-Lions, but the Eagles are hardly a playoff caliber team, so there]. Better enjoy tonight while it lasts because it’s Chargers-Jaguars keck vs. dreck next week. Though we may have to do a Superdome repeat and live blog the Sunday night game instead. We’ll see.

Speaking of the Superdome, I missed the news last month that Mercedes-Benz bought naming rights for the once decrepit death pit turned renovated non-death pit. Awww, you went and got fancy on us, Saints. ANOTHER STEP TOWARD BEING REVILED OVERDOGS!

Let’s do this, Rex. First order of business: BOUNTIES. A fresh whore to the man who supplies a Tebow part ripped clean from his body. Gotta settle for Jenn Sterger if you only draw blood.

[Bays for blood while beating knife and fork against kitchen table]

Oh, you shut up, Breer. We only like you because you serve as a handy counterexample to Peter King’s overpowering nutmeg-scented laziness. Don’t you start telling us things we don’t want to hear. “OMG HOW DO WE PREPARE FOR A QB WHO ONLY COMPLETES TWO PASSES A GAME?! PLEASE, JUST GIVE US ’07 BRADY INSTEAD. ANYTHING BUT THAT!”

The Vikings gave the Packers a shockingly competitive contest when the teams met in Minnesota three weeks back. Of course, now that the game is in Green Bay and – more importantly – because we’re live blogging it, expect a minimum five-touchdown Cheesehead rout. Last week, Charles Woodson told Mike Silver that the Packers openly talk about the prospect of going 19-0, a move that flies in the face of proper conduct as laid down by DER GOTT OF FOOTBALL JINXERY.

Such discussion has apparently upset Leslie Frazier, whose brilliant idea it was to punt the ball away on a 4th down in the final minutes in the first meeting rather than have his offense try for the lead. Frazier said this week that it’s the Vikings’ goal to end the Packers talk of an undefeated season. Yeah, and it’s my goal to have sex with Kat Dennings on the surface of the sun. Best of luck on your mission, Leslie.

Buddy Ryan, defensive mastermind and begetter of hilarious coaches, will be honored at halftime tonight. Not that we’ll see any of that, what with the Lamest Three Minutes being the first priority of ESPN. Even if it doesn’t have anything to do with his tenures in Philly or Chicago, my version of the ceremony would simply be showing footage of the time Buddy punched Kevin Gilbride. It never get old.

If you watched the Eagles-Cowboys beatdown last Sunday, you might have heard Al Michaels mention that Michael Vick during the bye week “played some golf and bought a parrot”. Perfectly suitable stoner activities. This was welcome and KSKharacter affirming news on its own. Then today I happened upon this photo of Ookie posing with a parrot at a pet store.

And all became right with the world.

Read the rest of this entry »

Well, it’s something to watch after you’ve shown off your undead Google Reader costume.

Marmalard went full Romo last week in a loss to the Jets, torpedoing a halftime lead with two fourth quarter picks before floating the ball out of bounds on a desperation last ditch 4th down. Should be interesting to see how long teammates put up with Philip Rivers’ transmogrification from obnoxious but stellar douchelord to obnoxious but sucky suckass. I’ll wager another half of football at most. Recall that the Chiefs and Chargers met in Arrowhead in Week 1 last year and the floats were not falling Laserface’s way in that contest.

The Chiefs have seemingly recovered from a horrendous start that very nearly and very hilariously cost Todd Haley his job. Of course, that positive momentum can all be reversed in one crushing loss to a division foe.

So gather ’round, gorge on candy, get engorged with the barrage of NSFW links and wait breathlessly for the biggest dickhead on one of these teams to get cleaved by an irate fanbase.

Can this game be as lopsided as Colts-Saints last night? That’s what we plan to find out through barely coherent profane commentary and copious NSFW links.

This may not be much of a contest, but at the very least we won’t be treated to an opener as horrid as the Fireman Ed intro from last week. ESPN is reportedly leading off the broadcast with a Sports Science segment on Ray Rice and Maurice Jones-Drew. I don’t know what to say. That’s… a reasonable replacement. Not sure how that happened. But let’s not give them plaudits yet. They haven’t announced the exact subject they’ll be highlighting. It could just be Gruden cackling at the running backs and yelling “THIS SCHRODINGER’S CAT! HE’S INSIDE THE BOX! HE’S OUTSIDE THE BOX! HE NEEDS BOX DISCIPLINE IF WANTS TO MAKE IT IN THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE!”