Ravens! Titans! Dierdorf! Gumbel! Defense! Power running! Two teams stolen from other cities! Neither of which you like! So why are we live-blogging it? Because you don’t want to be sober all day, do you? Play a drinking game if you must:

• Ed Reed gets called a “ballhawk” – drink
• Kerry Collins “gritty veteran” – drink
• Christmas Ape shows up in the chat solely to root against Baltimore – drink
• Joe Flacco throws it to someone besides Derrick Mason – drink
• Announcer makes reference to Ray Lewis’s legal problems WITHOUT mentioning his faith in God – Start setting shit on fire, because the world is ending
• Collins completes more passes to wide receivers than tight ends or running backs – world is ending
• Announcing team provides insightful, witty, even slightly humorous commentary - world is ending
• Meteor hits stadium, filling our atmosphere with debris and blotting out the sun – do a shot

By popular demand, KSK will be liveblogging the SNF Cutlerfucker-Marmalard showdown this week. But that’s not all! We’ll also be liveblogging every game Wild Card weekend. Why? Because even though you call me a homerific hack every other comment, I love you guys. Okay, that’s a lie. I’ll be watching the games and drinking anyway and I need to share my witty banter with someone, because my cat certainly doesn’t properly appreciate it (stupid bitch).

The Bengals would love nothing more than to exact revenge on Hines Ward. Okay, they’d actually like it more if the season were over, but they’ll take a Hines injury too. Get in line, fuck-os. Anyway, sure, it’s a lop-sided match-up on paper and you’ll have to suffer through heavy doses of Ape homerism, but if the Steelers lose to the Bengals you may get to experience me committing suicide LIVE on the Internet! In real time!