What’s this? Actual roster moves being made? It’s as though an agonizing labor standoff has just been mercifully curtailed. Funny thing, that.

But it’s true! There was news being broken (news is very fragile and we must treat it with more care) yesterday that actually affects how teams will fare on the field. THE VERY THOUGHT! The news wasn’t even fixated on how shares of mountains of money will be dispersed among players and owners and agents and Ticketmaster and bartenders and retard bloggers because of your unhealthy obsession with the NFL. It was actually about football!

But what? What were the first ripples of activity before the upcoming melee of overspending? Just follow the bold, my friends.

The Ravens cut Willis McGahee, noted Ray Rice touchdown vulture and next notch below Antonio Cromartie on the illegitimate child generator power rankings. This was not a surprise, as McGahee has sucked pretty hard for some time. What was a surprise was that the Ravens also cut Joe Flacco’s safety blanket, Derrick Mason, along with fat white guy Kelly Gregg and very-popular-in-Baltimore white guy Todd Heap. Some have speculated that this is because the Ravens are making a play for Nnamdi Asomugha in free agency. If true, between that and the Boldin acquisition last year, the Ravens might soon be posing a challenge to the Redskins’ status as perennial Offseason Champs. Also, it’s possible that Gregg, Heap and Mason will all be back in Baltimore at a lower cost, which will have proven that the players fought long and hard to return to being easily disposable chattel.

A lot of undrafted free agents were signed. Or agreed to terms to be signed. Or some other arcane phrasing. It won’t really matter except for the one or two of these players who happen to be breakout stars down the line. These will occasion analysts to glibly mock the other 31 teams for not drafting them or somehow knowing that success would come. What’s that? You didn’t guess that his two-touchdown game against ECU presaged certain superstardom? YOU CLOD!

One of the players signed last night was trill-as-it-gets Florida safety Will Hill, who landed with the Redskins and is likely to soon begin engaging in a lengthy prostitute plank war in Thomas Circle with Andray Blatche and JaVale McGee.

Jim Irsay indicated that there exists a price he will not exceed for Peyton Manning. This is a bold thing to say, even for the desperately suicidal. Does he not know that the Fat Humps are prepared to sacrifice everything, to pay whatever price is demanded of them, to ignore as many as one fourthmeal, so that they can enjoy seeing Pey-Pey flinch horribly and toss mercy picks once he’s contacted? If there’s an amount needed to secure the future of a 35-year-old quarterback, you pay it. You don’t ask questions. Because Steak ‘n Shake doesn’t do menu changes.

Scary news out of Indianapolis this morning. Apparently Peyton Manning has undergone a procedure to excise his scrotal sac. Reportedly Archie and Olivia decided that after 32 years it was time to get Peyton fixed. “He’s been displaying increased aggression towards other unfixed males, including repeated, yet fruitless, attempts to mount his perceived rivals,” said Peyton’s father.

Experts believe that the procedure will raise the pitch of Peyton’s voice by a few octaves, but nothing that should interfere with his lucrative endorsement deals.

Correction: Apparently Manning’s procedure was to remove a bursa sac in his knee, and not his scrotal sac as we initially reported. We deeply regret this error.

October 19, 2007

Dear Diary,

Can you believe that Ashley just tried to have sex with me?

YUCK!

Like I told her on our wedding night, only one woman touches Pey-Pey and her name is Mom. I have sex with my wife the same way I have sex with you Mr. Diary, by busting a perfectly straight line down the spine. I’ve got control like Julia Child with a pastry bag, once a year I even write Happy Birthday on her back (I can’t get full release when those boobs are bouncing all over the place). But seriously, she should know better by now; sex with women is number three on my list of fears behind Hillary Clinton and ghost dads.

Here’s a list of5 things I’d do before putting Pey-Pey inside of a woman’s kitty cat…

1. Have gay relations with a cute little country music star
2. Defer any credit to Jim Caldwell
3. Quit acting
4. Call a real audible
5. Beat Florida

I don’t see what more she could possibly want from me. One time I even let her get a glimpse of Pey-Pey and the twins. That was the first time I conducted a public viewing since the thing with the whorish trainer at UT.

Gotta run to practice…big game on Monday Night! TTYL!