Some people sincerely want to push Carolina as an upset possibility over the unbeaten Saints because cornball Cajun bag of suck Jake Delhomme has never lost a start in the Superdome and John Fox is 7-0 there as a head coach. And hey! They’ve won three of their last four. Even if two of those wins were against the Redskins and the Bucs, while the loss came to the goddamn Bills. They’re primed for the role of spoiler!

All right, fine, Sedrick Ellis and adopted fake-Asian Scott Fujita are out, so conceivably Jonathan Stewart and DeAngelo Williams could run wild and propel Carolina to victory, but it would have to be so dominating a performance that it accounts for the inevitable backbreaking Delhomme pickerception.

San Diego at New York –

[Heart surgery flies open]

Philip Rivers: Hey, have you tried my cardboard box of Killer F*cking Cock?

WELL YOU CAN’T BECAUSE I HAVE A HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART WIFE AND 14 LASERFACE JUNIORS AND WE’RE ALL ABSTINENT!

[Murmuring instructions heard off camera]

Chicken?

But I go to Chick Fil-A for my chicken. THEY’RE FROM THE SOUTH, LIKE ME! And they’re never open on Sundays, because they love Jeebus. LIKE ME!

Screw your Christ-hating, Hell-roasted demon birds. Let that gimpy asswipe Brian Westbrook burn for eternity for endorsing it. KING PHILIP THE LASERFACED HAS MORAL RECTITUDE AND WILL SHOW IT BY DICKWHIPPING THIS BIG APPLE FULL OF FORNICATING WORMS!

[Still collects check for ad]

Detroit at Seattle — For the first time in more than a month, the Lions “Big 3” (that’s cute, Detroit) of Megatron, Kevin Smith and Matt Stafford will be starting together, meaning the Lions will be at least slightly more entertaining in defeat.

Tennessee at San Francisco — This week, Rodney Harrison called the Titans the dirtiest team in the league. For this grievous insult, a shirtless Vince Young will pin him down while Jeff Fisher, dressed in a Peyton Manning jersey, fistpumps Harrison in the throat and LenDale White stomps on his Always Sunny in Philadelphia-patented dick towel.

Here we go: the first of 22 straight weeks of whoyagetting. The Titans come into Pittsburgh hoping to reverse the trend of the defending champ winning every Thursday night season opener. LenWhale started in with the trash talk early this week, vowing a repeat performance of his retarded sideline antics in Nashville last December. The Steelers, businesslike in their approach, can now counter with a fatback of their own, even if it’s one who probably won’t see many carries in the game. They just need one on the roster to satiate the overpowering Bus lust that will linger forever in the ‘Burgh. So, WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Frank “The Tank” Summers____________________________LenDale White

Listed weight

230 lbs.___________________________________235 lbs.

Actual weight

Equal to six pallets of bricks____________________________Seven pallets

Has he been swagger jacked?

Probably needs playing time first______________________________Repeatedly

What will cause him to whip you with a belt?
(Belt used primarily as a weapon – sweatpants are preferred attire)

Skimping on the sausage gravy___________________________________Minor traffic accidents

A glimpse into their humble beginnings as a spoiled chunky white child

Opposition fanbase’s signature keepsake that he can destroy

The legendary Titans “Rally Meth”___Terrible Towel (to non-Steelers fans: stupid gas station shitrag)

Friends with Snoop Dogg?

Nope____________________________He’s actually a“nephew”, apparently

Noted achievements

Only AFC North “Tank” sans arrest__________Possibly once ran for more than three yards in a single carry

Finishing move

Vigorous waddling_______________________________Taking a shot of new Diet Patron

Anyway, as someone who’s destroyed a towel this offseason, I can’t pretend that I’m all indignant that he wants to mar one of our cherished twirly rags, but I do like the fact that it’s LenFail that’s initiating all the talk about what happened last year.

In other news, some stupid baseball player is stealing The Ben’s mojo. NEXT THING YOU TELL THE BEN HE GOT NEW CALL OF DUTY MAP PACK ON XBOX LIVE AND CAN ALREADY PEW PEW PEW BETTER!

LenDale White claims to have dropped about 25 pounds since last season and is said to be in “amazing” shape. Does this downgrade him to LenOrca? LenGiantSquid? Is the switch to Kentucky Grilled Chicken that dramatic? Either way, it remains to be seen whether he can keep the weight off. This is the guy who eats the food opposing fans hurl at him.

Elsewhere, Jared Allen, being a lifelong wearer of the skinny Wranglers, is more than ready for the arrival of Favre.

“I grew up on a horse ranch. My dad trained horses for 30 years. I like to rock the cowboy hat. People seem to like it too. I’m either wearing a baseball hat or a cowboy hat. You know the tight jeans, you can’t wear boots with baggy jeans plus you got to use the tools in your toolbox and let’s be honest, I’ve got a phenomenal ass!”

We don’t mean to pile on the Titans today, but it’s one thing to eat in excess. That’s bad enough. But when food crosses the line from merely a source of nourishment to full-on plaything and sole source of entertainment, that there’s a problem. And then to set spasms of flinging food to punk and music from Dirty Dancing approaches the pathological. Perhaps one day LenDale White will seize control of his problem and achieve a healthy relationship with his food. And limit his intake to no more than four seals per sitting.

Thanks to reader Pacman’s Bodyguard