Foolish pigeon. Full of empty-headed ideas about the turtle. All he knows of them are benign representations in pop culture. Yertle, Koopa Troopa. Vaguely menacing but ultimately harmless. Plodding simpletons, so easy to elude. And what that Family Guy line? “Nature’s D student?” Heh. You know that’s right.

Then: snatch, submerge, sever.

Naturally this happened at a Brazilian zoo. Where else could Gisele learn the finer points of lightning fast child-snatching?