Christmastime is coming. Unless you’re Jewish, in which case, I really envy you right now. Because Christmas has become just another stupid way for white people to bitch about stuff without realizing how great we really have it. And there’s no better example than this little asshole. Kid has a FUCKING WII sitting in front of him and he wants to cry about how he got books for Christmas.

“That’s not toys! That’s books!”

Those ARE books, you little idiot. That’s great detective work for the spawn of a broken condom. Try reading some of those books. And then get a job.

Michael Vick used to kill dogs, but now he’s good at football again, so we like him now. You’re just a big meanie if you bring up the time that Vick electrocuted animals for sport. Jerk. Good job, Michael! All of America is cheering for you! Even the white people!

We have it pretty good, unless you happen to be a Giants fan. Matt Dodge is your Least for punting it to DeSean Jackson, which I understand is Mexican for “Of The Sean Jackson.” Game over Matt. You’re lucky that Tom Coughlin won’t fire anyone before Christmas. Feliz Navidad, everyone.

[vid.]

This week’s Meast is none other than Jared Allen of the Minnebretta Favrekings. Allen plowed through Green Bay’s Clifton-less line for 4.5 of the team’s eight sacks. He later celebrated by shooting a black bear and feasting on it’s precious sustentative gallbladder.

You can’t have a Meast without a Least, and this week’s ignominious award goes to Eli Manning’s happy feet…

Int. hospital, later that day

Doctor: So Eli, after examining your foot I’m fairly certain that what you’re suffering from is a fairly common condition called plantar fasciitis.

Eli: Planters is fascist? But I love their nuts.

Doctor: No Eli, what I’m saying is that you have something called plantar fasciitis in your foot.

Eli: Can I ask you something?

Doctor: Of course.

Eli: Is Mr. Peanut involved?

Doctor: I’m telling you this has nothing to do with Planters or their corporate mascot.

Eli: Man, I should have known. Moishe has been warning me about that Jew-hating peanut for years.

Doctor: You’re not understanding me. I’m trying to tell you that I believe you have a medical condition inside of your foot that’s causing you considerable pain.

Eli: Okay doc, just tell me one thing. How did Herr Peanut get into my foot?

Doctor: I’m sorry, do you have some sort of guardian I could speak with?

Eli: Mom’s coming to pick me up when the little hand gets to the 7.

Doctor: Very well, perhaps I’ll speak to her then.

Eli: Sure thing doc, but leave out the part about the Nazi peanut. I don’t want Mom getting wrapped up in anything too messy.

Doctor: She doesn’t have to know anything about it.

Eli: Good, because I think I know just the man for this job.

Doctor: What are you talking abo-

Eli: [begins humming Comin' Home]

Olivia Manning: ELISHA NELSON MANNING, I thought I told you to stop playing Inglourious Basterds! Now come with me, we’re going home.

Eli: But Moo-oom, I have to kill Mr. Peanut!