Kissing Suzy Kolber » kurt warner

Always Be Covering: I Am the Playoff Cooler

Unsilent Majority — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 20:06:56 +0000

Well that’s not entirely fair. I’m a pretty terrible gambler all year round.

Welcome to another week of truly horrible gambling advice. I was 0-5 last week, which shouldn’t come as much of a surprise to anyone. I’m an awful f*cking gambler, and it shows. The more confident I am the more likely it is that my picks will fall completely flat. Sure, other people have made this claim, but I’ve really hit some kind of magical stride this season. So if you want to make some money you should probably be going in the opposite direction of my picks.

Or is this all one big reverse jinx?

No, it’s not. I just suck. On to the picks!

Will Kurt Warner retire before game 1 of the 2010 NFL Regular Season?

Ooh, this is a tough one. Brenda Warner says that the decision is between Kurt and God, and I assume that she’s not talking about Mark Bartlestein. A Jewish God, IMAGINE THAT! Still, this doesn’t give us a whole lot of insight into the decision making process. Let’s go to Kurt for a bit of clarification on the matter…

“It means I pray that God takes away the desire in me to play this game,” he says. “I’ve loved it for so long. I need Him to take that away from me, so that I can be comfortable with this decision.”

Don’t expect him to make any decisions, folks, he’s merely a vessel for Christ Almighty to do with as he pleases! Since Kurt is incapable of making his own life decisions we’ll have to consult with a higher power. What say you, God?

(heavens fly open)

God: Hello, friend.

Hi, God! So tell us, are you going to take away Kurt’s passion and allow him to enjoy his retirement?

God: Hell no! Kurt may be a vacuous shell of a mortal, but shit, he’s still a lot of fun to watch on Sundays. Why should I give that up?

That’s a fair point. So when will Kurt retire?

God: Well after another concussion or two he probably won’t have much of a choice. If he starts telling people that I have been speaking to him you’ll know the time has come. Because I don’t do that shit. Okay, I did it once, but that’s because I bet Satan $20 that I could convince Sean Gilbert to hold out for a year.

Nice. So while we have you, what are you doing to Haiti?

God: Uh…that’s the phone. I gotta run.

And there you have it. My picks are in bold…

Yes -175
No +145

Who will record the most Passing Yards in Round 3 of the Playoffs?

Mark Sanchez 6/1
Peyton Manning 2/1
Brett Favre 7/4
Drew Brees 11/10

None of the other options are all that appealing, and I could see Breesus going for 350 in a loss.

As for the games themselves, take the points in both. Really, what’s the worst that could happen?

Enjoy the games.

KSK Kontent Klearinghouse: Saints Fans Don’t Subscribe to the Broken Window Theory of Crime Prevention

Christmas Ape — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 19:35:16 +0000

From Who Datting commenter TurleyGirlie, a tale in parking lot rubishness she captured prior to last Saturday’s win over the Buzzsaw.

For some reason, I thought y’all would love this. We saw this as we were walking into the game from our tailgating spot. The thought process of the tards that tailgated here:

Tard 1: Oh shit! We broke the back window!

Tard 2: Shit!

Tard 1: Let’s stretch this too-small garbage bag over the window.

Tard 2: Great idea!

Tard 1: Okay, it’s game time, let’s go!

P.S. The forecast was like 80% chance of rain.

Also? I woulda done the same damn thing. What were they going to do? Leave and get it fixed? Hell no.

Well, of course. It’s not like anything ever gets fixed in New Orleans anyway.

In keeping with the contributions from Saints fans, here’s LSUFreek’s gif of Kurt Warner’s destruction at the hands of the Who Dats.

The Patron Saint Joe Namath will be narrating the CBS intro to the AFC Championship on Sunday. Good thing it’s the early game, that way he’s only eight or nine drinks into his day. Bodog needs to put odds on whether he calls them the Baltimore Coltshhhhhhhh.

A rather zealous Jets fans has named his son J.E.T.S. (or Jake Edward Thomas Schonberg). Who’d he have a kid with, Bridget Moynahan?

Dammit Jerry Jones. I don’t care if your colossatorium is hosting his next fight, don’t nobody put Manny Pacquiao in a kicker’s jersey.

The Redskins are finally getting around to upgrading the Lite Bright video boards in their shitastic monstrosity in Raljon. VICTOREEE IN HDEEE, COOCH!

Bills GM Buddy Nix takes a jab at the Raiders in the process of explaining unctuously that the Bills fielded calls from other candidates prior to settling on Chan Gailey as coach. Nice to know that in addition to being willfully stupid, they’re also smug about it.

Quien Es Mas El Salvador: Breesus or Warner

Christmas Ape — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 20:54:43 +0000

The Macrophenomenal Kurt Warner Almanac

This is probably the hardest call of the weekend. Will Arizona carry over its pointskkake from last week and bury a New Orleans team that struggled over the final month of the regular season to maintain its furious offensive pace from the rest of the year. Many people seem to think so. Personally, I wouldn’t be particularly surprised with the outcome swinging either way, unless it’s a 9-6 defensive struggle that comes down to a game-ending Neil Rackers shank.

Deuce McAllister was brought back to the Who Dats in a surprise signing yesterday, despite the Saints having four backs on the depth chart ahead of him and McAllister having zero healthy knees propping him up. Either way, it’s DDDEEEEEEEUUUUUUCCCCEEEEE chants that will abound.

In regards to Anquan Boldin, NFL Network’s Jason La Confora channeled PK in saying the chances of him playing are “quasi-miraculous.”

We would have also accepted “semi-Willisish”

Sean Taylor Memorial Meast of the Week – Wild Card Round

Christmas Ape — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 21:51:17 +0000

Your Meast for the Wild Card round is Kurt Warner, who threw more touchdowns (five) than incomplete passes (four). Drew played Cassandra last week, warning us all about God Boy entering ’99 Warner Zone as the postseason arrived and retirement looms. Lo and behold, Drew was right (I’m scared too). How convenient that Warner advances to play Breesus in the God-approved side of the NFC playoffs, while Satan rubs one out to the prospect of either Favre or the Cowboys advancing past the early game on Sunday.

Your Least is Tom Brady. Oh, how we’ve longed to write those words. We’ve gloried in some Patriots defeats in the past, but seldom have they been so feckless. So resigned to failure.

Dreamboat turned the ball over four times and looked thoroughly wretched all the way during the Pats first playoff loss at home in over 30 years.

Naturally, this is Gisele’s fault. Or his ribs’ fault. Or the sun’s. Definitely not Welkah’s! He gutted it out in the stands, watching The Bear Jew Edelman do exactly what he would have done, then he somehow mustered the strength THROUGH INJURY, MIND YOU to complete this staggering feat of heroism:

A day after the Pats’ pitiful playoff exit, sidelined receiver Wes Welker was at Radius to meet with execs from Liberty Bay Credit Union. (The suits have been big supporters of Welker’s 83 Foundation, which helps at-risk kids.) Though hobbled by his knee injury, Welker happily posed for a few pics and spoke briefly.

NO ONE HAS THE HAHHT TO POSE FO-AH PITCHAWS LIKE OW-AH WELKAH! NO INJAWED KNEE CAN STAWP HIS LIONHAHHTED MESSAGE! THOSE KID AHHH ONLY AT RISK OF BEING INSPY-ED!

This Season Is Going To Be FABULOUS

Unsilent Majority — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 19:52:06 +0000

Image courtesy of EW via With Leather.

For the explanation behind this picture let’s go straight to the caption…

At which point Warner turned to his daughter and screamed, “Don’t you realize how many NFL records I hold? DOES THAT MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?”

Well we’ve learned one thing, and that’s that the writers of The Suite Life on Deck take fantasy football to an entirely new level. Sure, we’ve all designed our own frilly new uniforms for our imaginary teams to don on Sundays, but surely none of us have ever gotten one of our draftees to actually model said outfit. The Suite Life indeed.

Now I’m not all that familiar with the Disney Channel, so excuse my ignorance, but is every show on that network about a fabulously wealthy teen and/or tween?

Kurt Warner is the King of His Castle

Christmas Ape — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 17:01:41 +0000

A short scene adapted from the upcoming book by Kurt and Brenda Warner, ~~“Jesus and She Makes Three”~~ “First Things First: The Rules to Being a Warner,” which at first sounds like a canceled sitcom starring John Ritter, but is actually a religious tract posing as a fussy memoir of a famous quarterback’s pitiable home life.

Kurt Warner: Hey, Kade, sport, wanna toss the ol’ ball around?

Kade Warner: No.

Kurt Warner: Aw, c’mon, champ. How often do we get a chance to spend some time together? I wanna see how your spiral is coming along.

Kade Warner: No.

Kurt Warner: Well, what do you got going on that’s so important that you don’t have time for dear old dad?

Kade Warner: Clone Wars

Kurt Warner: Clone Wars?

Kade Warner: Clone Wars is on.

Kurt Warner: Can’t you take a quick break? Pause it for a minute? This’ll be fun, I swear. You love throwing the ball around.

Kade Warner: Yeah, I could take a break.

Kurt Warner: [Face lights up]

Kade Warner: Not gonna though

Kurt Warner: [Crestfallen]

Kade Warner: Can’t you ask Elijah?

Kurt Warner: Remember? He’s at deep sea diving camp. Look, I’ll give ya a deal. For every pass you complete to me, I’ll give you a quarter. You could really clean up here!

Kade Warner: Or I could use the credit card you and mom gave me any time I want.

Kurt Warner: [Sighs] Brenda! Come here and look at our layabout son. Doesn’t even wanna get off his duff and play catch with his old man. Think about how many kids would kill to get a chance to toss the pigskin around with a pro QB. And he has him any time he wants.

Brenda Warner: WOULD YOU LEAVE THE KID ALONE!? I just got him out of my hair. Boy won’t stop bugging me about another trip to Comic Con in a few weeks. YOU JUST GOT BACK FROM E3 LAST MONTH!

Kade Warner: THEY’RE NOT THE SAME THING!

Brenda Warner: I DON’T CARE!

Kurt Warner: Okay, okay, settle on down everybody. The Lord has graced us with a beautiful day outside, his splendor on full display. Let’s get out of this stuffy house and enjoy the outdoors. We don’t have to play catch if you don’t want to. We could have a cookout, maybe a short hike.

Brenda Warner: I would, Kurt, honey, I really would. But I got a vicious headache. I need to go lay down. Just drop this whole outdoorsy spiel, okay? We’ll do it some other time. Let the boy watch his show in peace. You need to throw the ball? Call up one of your teammates or strength trainers or something. How hard is it for a quarterback to get to throw a ball?

Kurt Warner: But that’s not the point

Brenda Warner: DROP IT. All right?

Kurt Warner: I’m getting a little tired of the constant disrespect around here.

Brenda Warner: Oh, here we go again. Mr. Sensitive wants to have an airing of grievances.

Kurt Warner: You don’t appreciate me, Brenda

Brenda Warner:Oh, for Pete’s sake, I appreciate you plenty.

Kurt Warner: Then what was my Super Bowl ring doing under the couch?

Brenda Warner: We found it, didn’t we? Let’s just make a big federal case out of it and bring it up any time you feel like a having a big NFL-sized pity party with fireworks and fornicators. Look, I’m going to bed. We’ll have our family prayer time later. Okay, will that make everything better? Give you your bonding exercise?

Kurt Warner: You don’t think I can’t step out and find a nice 20-year-old crazy side piece of my own? Look at this. You don’t think this can fetch me anything? I’m still in the prime of my life. You fell for the Jesus swagger. I STILL GOT THE JESUS SWAGGER!

Brenda Warner: Sure, Kurt. You take the life you’ve based on moral rectitude and religious piety and throw it all away for some dumb murderous hussy. Let’s see how quickly the public turns on you when the squeaky clean image is whipped away when it comes out that you cheated on the Marine wife with the blind kid in the latter years of your NFL career. Think how badly you’ll be demonized, how sympathetic I’ll look blubbering on Oprah about your straying ways. Numbnuts.

Kurt Warner: …

What time’s prayer time?

Brenda: Right before dinner. FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE, KURT, YOU KNOW THAT!