Welcome to another week of truly horrible gambling advice. I was 0-5 last week, which shouldn’t come as much of a surprise to anyone. I’m an awful f*cking gambler, and it shows. The more confident I am the more likely it is that my picks will fall completely flat. Sure, other people have made this claim, but I’ve really hit some kind of magical stride this season. So if you want to make some money you should probably be going in the opposite direction of my picks.

Or is this all one big reverse jinx?

No, it’s not. I just suck. On to the picks!

Will Kurt Warner retire before game 1 of the 2010 NFL Regular Season?

Ooh, this is a tough one. Brenda Warner says that the decision is between Kurt and God, and I assume that she’s not talking about Mark Bartlestein. A Jewish God, IMAGINE THAT! Still, this doesn’t give us a whole lot of insight into the decision making process. Let’s go to Kurt for a bit of clarification on the matter…

“It means I pray that God takes away the desire in me to play this game,” he says. “I’ve loved it for so long. I need Him to take that away from me, so that I can be comfortable with this decision.”

Don’t expect him to make any decisions, folks, he’s merely a vessel for Christ Almighty to do with as he pleases! Since Kurt is incapable of making his own life decisions we’ll have to consult with a higher power. What say you, God?

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From Who Datting commenter TurleyGirlie, a tale in parking lot rubishness she captured prior to last Saturday’s win over the Buzzsaw.

For some reason, I thought y’all would love this. We saw this as we were walking into the game from our tailgating spot. The thought process of the tards that tailgated here:

Also? I woulda done the same damn thing. What were they going to do? Leave and get it fixed? Hell no.

Well, of course. It’s not like anything ever gets fixed in New Orleans anyway.

In keeping with the contributions from Saints fans, here’s LSUFreek’s gif of Kurt Warner’s destruction at the hands of the Who Dats.

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This is probably the hardest call of the weekend. Will Arizona carry over its pointskkake from last week and bury a New Orleans team that struggled over the final month of the regular season to maintain its furious offensive pace from the rest of the year. Many people seem to think so. Personally, I wouldn’t be particularly surprised with the outcome swinging either way, unless it’s a 9-6 defensive struggle that comes down to a game-ending Neil Rackers shank.

Deuce McAllister was brought back to the Who Dats in a surprise signing yesterday, despite the Saints having four backs on the depth chart ahead of him and McAllister having zero healthy knees propping him up. Either way, it’s DDDEEEEEEEUUUUUUCCCCEEEEE chants that will abound.

In regards to Anquan Boldin, NFL Network’s Jason La Confora channeled PK in saying the chances of him playing are “quasi-miraculous.”

We would have also accepted “semi-Willisish”

Your Meast for the Wild Card round is Kurt Warner, who threw more touchdowns (five) than incomplete passes (four). Drew played Cassandra last week, warning us all about God Boy entering ’99 Warner Zone as the postseason arrived and retirement looms. Lo and behold, Drew was right (I’m scared too). How convenient that Warner advances to play Breesus in the God-approved side of the NFC playoffs, while Satan rubs one out to the prospect of either Favre or the Cowboys advancing past the early game on Sunday.

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For the explanation behind this picture let’s go straight to the caption…

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A short scene adapted from the upcoming book by Kurt and Brenda Warner, “Jesus and She Makes Three” “First Things First: The Rules to Being a Warner,” which at first sounds like a canceled sitcom starring John Ritter, but is actually a religious tract posing as a fussy memoir of a famous quarterback’s pitiable home life.

Kurt Warner: Hey, Kade, sport, wanna toss the ol’ ball around?

Kade Warner: No.

Kurt Warner: Aw, c’mon, champ. How often do we get a chance to spend some time together? I wanna see how your spiral is coming along.

Kade Warner: No.

Kurt Warner: Well, what do you got going on that’s so important that you don’t have time for dear old dad?

Kade Warner: Clone Wars

Kurt Warner: Clone Wars?

Kade Warner: Clone Wars is on.

Kurt Warner: Can’t you take a quick break? Pause it for a minute? This’ll be fun, I swear. You love throwing the ball around.

Kade Warner: Yeah, I could take a break.

Kurt Warner: [Face lights up]

Kade Warner: Not gonna though

Kurt Warner: [Crestfallen]

Kade Warner: Can’t you ask Elijah?

Kurt Warner: Remember? He’s at deep sea diving camp. Look, I’ll give ya a deal. For every pass you complete to me, I’ll give you a quarter. You could really clean up here!

Kade Warner: Or I could use the credit card you and mom gave me any time I want.

Kurt Warner: [Sighs] Brenda! Come here and look at our layabout son. Doesn’t even wanna get off his duff and play catch with his old man. Think about how many kids would kill to get a chance to toss the pigskin around with a pro QB. And he has him any time he wants.

Brenda Warner: WOULD YOU LEAVE THE KID ALONE!? I just got him out of my hair. Boy won’t stop bugging me about another trip to Comic Con in a few weeks. YOU JUST GOT BACK FROM E3 LAST MONTH!

Kade Warner: THEY’RE NOT THE SAME THING!

Brenda Warner: I DON’T CARE!

Kurt Warner: Okay, okay, settle on down everybody. The Lord has graced us with a beautiful day outside, his splendor on full display. Let’s get out of this stuffy house and enjoy the outdoors. We don’t have to play catch if you don’t want to. We could have a cookout, maybe a short hike.

Brenda Warner: I would, Kurt, honey, I really would. But I got a vicious headache. I need to go lay down. Just drop this whole outdoorsy spiel, okay? We’ll do it some other time. Let the boy watch his show in peace. You need to throw the ball? Call up one of your teammates or strength trainers or something. How hard is it for a quarterback to get to throw a ball?

Kurt Warner: But that’s not the point

Brenda Warner: DROP IT. All right?

Kurt Warner: I’m getting a little tired of the constant disrespect around here.

Brenda Warner: Oh, here we go again. Mr. Sensitive wants to have an airing of grievances.

Kurt Warner: You don’t appreciate me, Brenda

Brenda Warner:Oh, for Pete’s sake, I appreciate you plenty.

Kurt Warner: Then what was my Super Bowl ring doing under the couch?

Brenda Warner: We found it, didn’t we? Let’s just make a big federal case out of it and bring it up any time you feel like a having a big NFL-sized pity party with fireworks and fornicators. Look, I’m going to bed. We’ll have our family prayer time later. Okay, will that make everything better? Give you your bonding exercise?

Kurt Warner: You don’t think I can’t step out and find a nice 20-year-old crazy side piece of my own? Look at this. You don’t think this can fetch me anything? I’m still in the prime of my life. You fell for the Jesus swagger. I STILL GOT THE JESUS SWAGGER!

Brenda Warner: Sure, Kurt. You take the life you’ve based on moral rectitude and religious piety and throw it all away for some dumb murderous hussy. Let’s see how quickly the public turns on you when the squeaky clean image is whipped away when it comes out that you cheated on the Marine wife with the blind kid in the latter years of your NFL career. Think how badly you’ll be demonized, how sympathetic I’ll look blubbering on Oprah about your straying ways. Numbnuts.

Kurt Warner: …

What time’s prayer time?

Brenda: Right before dinner. FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE, KURT, YOU KNOW THAT!