Your numbell one smirretime leceivel doesn’t like getting fines for plays he doesn’t get flagged for, and this is a classic example. Keith Rivers, the Bengals first-round pick from this past year left the game with a sandy vagina.

UPDATE: Turns out he’s out for the year. With a vagina.

In case you need tangible confirmation that we live in a nation composed largely of brain-dead morons, take a look at this week’s number one movie. However, something as trite as Beverly Hills Chihuahua can rule the box-office, then surely there has to be a market for a remake of Predator starring Gary Kubiak as ‘Dutch’ and Whirlybird Sage Rosenfels as ‘The Choppa’.

Dude got rocked. There’s no way we will see a better hit this week. Wait, what?

Before Kimbo Slice was a middling MMA fighter, he was a middling internet sensation. And before that he was a middling football player. In the video below, Kimbo’s prior incarnations come together in the form of a video that the lawyers for the Jackass people might want to review. Some attention-seeking mope agrees to play some football with the big guy with predictably bone-jarring results. Kimbo says he hasn’t put on the pads in 14 years, but you couldn’t tell by the way be blows up this chump. Of course Kimbo appears to have a 100 pounds on the poor bastard.

This video was produced by Kimbo’s “adult entertainment” connections. It’s refreshing that the shot-callers in the fight biz aren’t bogarting the Kimbo exploitation. After all, pornographers need to wet their beak too. Hopefully they let Kimbo keep the helmet after the shoot. He might want it the next time he takes 20+ consecutive elbows to the dome.

Javon Walker has really changed his ways after witnessing up-close the murder of friend and teammate Darrent Williams on New Year’s Day 2007. Nah, just yanking yer chain– the champagne-spraying waste of money was found unconscious at a Las Vegas intersection. Details, like Walker, are sketchy, but doctors say he suffered an orbital fracture. They also said you could actually see cartoon stars and cuckoo birds doing the rumba around Walker’s battered head.

The Raiders spent the equivalent of the gross domestic product of Uruguay on Walker. Since then, Walker has done his best to to avoid undue attention. A day before getting KTFO by an unknown assailant, a demure Walker was seen modestly spraying 15 bottles of champagne on Tryst patrons. A regular shrinking violet, this guy.

Die-hard Raiders fans can look forward to another season of frustration. And meth, lots of meth.

Commissioner Roger Goodell recently increased the penalty for first-time violators of the NFL’s banned substance policy from a four-game suspension to a four-game suspension and then getting knocked the fuck out on national television. Check out the Titans’ Chris Henry getting his junk knocked loose by the Colts’ Darrell Reid.

Happy New Year, kids. We resolve to be even more awesome in 2008.

Shawne Merriman got freaking killed by Maurice Jones-Drew. Merriman has nine inches and 70 pounds on Mojo, but it doesn’t keeping him from getting his ass dropped like a sack of dirt on this play. While Merriman was otherwise occupied, David Garrard threw a TD pass to TE Marcedes Lewis. Not a typo. “Marcedes.”

But the biggest hit taken in Jax yesterday was by Philip Rivers’ rep. That guy folds like a K-Mart pup tent. I think he could get psyched out playing skee-ball. Chargers fans might want to start organizing that road trip to Tijuana.

Who got Knocked The Fuck Out this week? Robert Meachem, that’s who. Rookies don’t realize they are supposed to play pre-season games on auto-pilot. Here, Saints receiver and former Tennessee Vol Robert Meacham gets his junk knocked loose Big East-style by Steeler rookie William “Big Play” Gay. Have I mentioned that it’s wonderful times ten to have the NFL back?

Caught most of the debut of “Hard Knocks” last night. The highlights for me: Gunther Cunningham calling one his players “numb-nuts” and Hall of Famer Charlie Joiner’s touching confession to a rookie that he once shit himself on the field. I didn’t realize until I checked my email this morning that the narrator of HK is Brian Fontana himself, Paul Rudd. (HT: Adam at Pacman Jonesin’).

Lastly, we present this bit of off-topic YouTube goodness. Play close attention to end. That MILF may have emasculated the poor bastard for the last time. How this ever made it onto television in the seventies is beyond me.

Reggie seemingly has a charmed life, so he probably
takes this minor embarrassment in stride.

The Iggles’ Sheldon Brown is on the cover of the latest Sports Illustrated abso-fucking-lutely blowing up Reggie Bush in the playoffs last season. Brown said of laying out Bush:

Yikes. We say take heart Reggie, he couldn’t have been talking about one of those flimsy little shoe boxes, Brown must was obviously referring to a tough corrugated cardboard box used for shipping major household appliances.

All of this is a mere pretext to post two brief, but glorious, moments of YouTube splendor:

[Big ups to: FO, EaglesChick.com and Bleeding Green Nation.]