Tom is excused from the sixth rule of Fight Club.

Fresh off his knockout victory over defensive assistant coach Randy Hanson, head coach Tom Cable is eager to make the next step up the coachfight contender ladder. But that doesn’t mean Cable is about to let success go to his head. “Sure, a decisive victory is always great, “ he said, “but I can’t get cocky—this guy [Hanson] is just a low-level assistant; not even a position coach.”

The beefy Cable has been coachfighting for decades, but it wasn’t until he blind-sided the much smaller Hanson that he made a national name for himself. “Like a lot of other coaches, I started out in the underground fights– bare-knuckle brawls in abandoned warehouses against over-the-hill high school coaches.  Winner take all.  In most cases ‘all’ was a can corned beef hash.”

Cable acknowledged that his fight against Hanson was outside typical coachfight protocol where intra-contests fights are typically disfavored.  “What could I do,” Cable asked, his eyes dancing mischievously, “We’re the shitty Raiders.  We can’t beat anyone else.”

But Cable’s days of toiling in obscurity over. “I’m training for my next fight,” Cable said while taking a break from the speedbag to cram a Hostess Ho-Ho® in to his gullet, “It’s against a well known tight ends coach. If I can win that one, then I should be in a line for a title fight against an honest-to-gosh offensive coordinator.”

Despite his meteoric rise, Cable is careful to keep his success in perspective. “Look, I may never be good enough to beat Tom Coughlin—that wiry son-of-a-bitch is the best for a reason.  But with a lot of hard work and a little bit of luck, I know I can knock Rex Ryan’s fat ass out.”

Allow me to join this dogpile of rubbing in it. What a stupendous day of football.

UPDATE: we hear Romo doesn’t just collapse on the field– apparently he does it in the shower too.

[ image: Threadbombing ]

I must say, that had to have been one of the more satisfying Steelers victories since Super Bowl XL. Of course, it would have been nothing without smug, self-satisfied comments by Pats fans leading up to the game, especially those appearing in Pittsburgh publications.

Aw, that’s cute. Too bad Matt Cassel fell about 230 yards short of that 400-yard mark. Oh yeah, and he turned the ball over four times. I’m sure Randy Moss feels vastly disrespected by the footballs that bounced off his hands. But, yeah, he’s still the best there is. Unless the game matters.

For those who didn’t charge off into the night midway through the broadcast intent on killing Tony Kornheiser for invoking Brett Favre’s name after every play, it was merciless offensive onslaught by the Saints, led by Drew Brees and Lance Moore. It was so overwhelming, in fact, even Jeremy Shockey showed flashes of competence. Meanwhile in the KSK live blog world, a furious maelstrom of cheese punnage broke out. The Saints obviously couldn’t get enough scoring, as they were still running trick plays up 20-plus points in the 4th quarter. Still, as bad a night as Aaron Rodgers and The Pack had, it certainly wasn’t as bad as this guy’s.

After the jump is the usual cavalcade of crowd oddities and video of Greg Jennings getting KTFO.

The Packer Pope may have had his way on Monday night at home against Minnesota earlier this year, but he didn’t count on running into Muhammad in the Big Easy.

The inappropriate behavior didn’t end with the sacreligious football figures, however, as Mike McCarthy performed an adroit reach-around on a referee on a challenge of a spot. No wonder he ended up winning it.

And, hey, we finally know what Tatanka and Papa Shango are up to: cheering on the Saints!

And some more assorted wackiness.

Wait a minute. That’s a lacrosse facemask, you asshole. You are awarded no points.

“The guy said something about (Bengals president) Mike Brown. I’m one of the few people who will defend him, which is getting harder to do these days. I said, ‘Yeah, well, at least he’s not selling the team. You guys are going to be the L.A. Steelers.’ And the next thing I remember is waking up in the security office.”

Dude, you took an ass-whipping for defending Mike Brown? Do you think Mike Brown would take a beatdown for you? He’s sitting in one of the sky-boxes at his shiny new stadium with his shitty team and his lame-duck coach while you’re down there getting the living shit stomped out of you by some retard in a Greg Lloyd jersey. Being loyal to a team is irrational; being loyal to an owner who is not signing your paycheck is idiocy. Mike Brown does NOT have your back.

[ via Busted Coverage ]

Your numbell one smirretime leceivel doesn’t like getting fines for plays he doesn’t get flagged for, and this is a classic example. Keith Rivers, the Bengals first-round pick from this past year left the game with a sandy vagina.

UPDATE: Turns out he’s out for the year. With a vagina.

Dude got rocked. There’s no way we will see a better hit this week. Wait, what?

Before Kimbo Slice was a middling MMA fighter, he was a middling internet sensation. And before that he was a middling football player. In the video below, Kimbo’s prior incarnations come together in the form of a video that the lawyers for the Jackass people might want to review. Some attention-seeking mope agrees to play some football with the big guy with predictably bone-jarring results. Kimbo says he hasn’t put on the pads in 14 years, but you couldn’t tell by the way be blows up this chump. Of course Kimbo appears to have a 100 pounds on the poor bastard.

This video was produced by Kimbo’s “adult entertainment” connections. It’s refreshing that the shot-callers in the fight biz aren’t bogarting the Kimbo exploitation. After all, pornographers need to wet their beak too. Hopefully they let Kimbo keep the helmet after the shoot. He might want it the next time he takes 20+ consecutive elbows to the dome.

Javon Walker has really changed his ways after witnessing up-close the murder of friend and teammate Darrent Williams on New Year’s Day 2007. Nah, just yanking yer chain– the champagne-spraying waste of money was found unconscious at a Las Vegas intersection. Details, like Walker, are sketchy, but doctors say he suffered an orbital fracture. They also said you could actually see cartoon stars and cuckoo birds doing the rumba around Walker’s battered head.

The Raiders spent the equivalent of the gross domestic product of Uruguay on Walker. Since then, Walker has done his best to to avoid undue attention. A day before getting KTFO by an unknown assailant, a demure Walker was seen modestly spraying 15 bottles of champagne on Tryst patrons. A regular shrinking violet, this guy.

Die-hard Raiders fans can look forward to another season of frustration. And meth, lots of meth.

Happy New Year, kids. We resolve to be even more awesome in 2008.

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