For the final KSK mock draft of the off-season we’re selecting one snack food for the rest of our lives. Well that’s not entirely accurate, seeing as how we went two rounds. So I guess it’s more like two snack foods for the rest of our lives. In order for a pick to qualify as a snack food it must be something that’s readily available at a grocery and/or convenience store, and it must be ready to eat as is. That means no cooking or assembly whatsoever. Oh, and good news. For the sake of this draft the snack foods in question will not make you morbidly obese. So put down the raisins and check out the results. Then take your turn in the comment section as usual.

1. Drew
2. UM
3. Flubby
4. CC
5. Punte
6. Ape

1. Drew – Cheetos

I love them. I really do. I could eat six bags a day.

2. UM – Restaurant style tortilla chips

I’m partial to the Xochitl salted variety, personally.

3. Flubby – Oatmeal Creme Pie

Greatest snack of all time.

4. CC – Beef jerky

And don’t nobody go try to get the pepper beef jerky — that’s mine, too.

5. Punte – Trail mix

M&Ms and peanuts? Don’t mind if I does.

Salty and sweet. Good value.

6. Ape – White cheddar Smart popcorn

7. Ape – Cheez-Its

That guy seems to agree.

8. Punte – Gummy bears

The breakfast, lunch and dinner of champions.

9. CC – Pistachios

Do those qualify? I fucking love pistachios.

They absolutely qualify, and they would not have been around much longer. Pistachios are the tits.

10. Flubby – Cashews

They aren’t pistachios, but they’re pretty great in their own right.

11. UM – Ice cream

How is this still on the board? I’m an idiot for not taking it in the first round.

12. Drew – Dry roasted peanuts

We’ll be back next week with the first Commenter Draft of the year. If you have a suggestion for a new topic feel free to send it in.

Biopics are a tricky subject. For every masterpiece like Raging Bull there is some steaming pile of crap like The Babe that is hampered by bad writing and casting. Some of the most intriguing films never even make it to filming because of factual uncertainties. Fortunately we don’t have to worry about these tricky aspects of film making, because our only task is to pick the subject. Everyone in human history is fair game, save for those who have been the subject of a biopic that was released in theaters.

Let’s get started.

1. Punte- 1. Kurt Cobain

The most influential musician of the last 20 years. The movie will be nothing but drugs, nudity and great music. And it’ll end just like the first half of Boogie Nights.

And if there is a god the woman playing Courtney Love will look nothing like Courtney Love.

2. Ape- DB Cooper

Or whatever his real name is/was.

3. UM- Robert Evans

Probably best to wait until Evans dies. We wouldn’t want him trying to produce it himself.

4. Drew- GG Allin

5. CC- Roald Dahl

Children’s novelist with dark humor, yes — but also a RAF pilot in World War II. After a distinguished flying career, he was assigned to Washington D.C. as a British spy, where he laid pipe to endless A-list tail. I would watch that movie.

6. Flubby- Sam Kinison

That’s going to be one sexy casting call.

7. Flubby- Ray Mancini

Considering his Hollywood connections it’s pretty surprising that Mickey Ward beat him to the punch. Too bad Boom Boom is from Youngstown and not Lowell.

8. Harriet Tubman

If Roots taught me anything, it’s that slave owners make effective bad guys.

9. Drew- Jimi Hendrix

It’s odd that this hasn’t happened yet, aside from a TV movie starring Avon Barksdale that didn’t include any of his actual music.

10. UM- Harry Houdini

Apparently there are a couple of different versions in the early stages of development. Not for the first time either.

11. Ape- Nellie Bly

12. Punte- Warren Buffet

Only because I’m totally gay for the Buffmeister.

Make your picks in the comments, but please try to not fuck it up by drafting Ray Charles or Ed Wood. There’s only one rule. Use it.

This week’s draft is a twist on an old classic. You’re drafting a singular super power from a fictional character, though not their entire catalog of abilities. Also, you must take on their appearance. Again, we’re lazy slugabeds who only got through one round, leaving commenters more opportunity to ignore the rules make picks.

Ufford’s explanationAll right, you get to have one power from a fictional character from comics, literature, TV, or the movies. Once a character has been used, s/he is off the board. (For example, if you want Wolverine’s retractable claws, no one can claim his healing powers.) Once a specific power shared by many characters has been drafted (i.e. flight or super strength), it’s off the board. And if you draft a power that is connected to appearance, you also get that appearance as well (see: The Thing, Incredible Hulk).

1. Ape
2. Maj
3. flub
4. drew
5. Punter
6. Uff

1. Ape — Manipulation of Matter (Dr. Manhattan)

Control of the basic elements of the universe has a multitude of applications. I can wipe people out of existence with the point of a finger. Create objects out of the ether. Well, just about anything. Plus I get a giant blue penis.

2. Unsilent — Flight (Superman)

“Shove that up your ass airline industry! Plus, I’ll be able to dunk!”

UFFORD: “You dumbfuck! Hundreds of characters fly! You just pissed away X-ray vision and laser-eyes.”

APE: “Not to mention invulnerability.”

MAJ: “I’m not going to lie here, I don’t know very much about super heroes. Please try to hide your shock and dismay.”

DREW: “I’M TOO COOL FOR THEM!”

MAJ: “Don’t a bunch of guys have x-ray vision? And doesn’t the guy from xmen have laser eyes?”

APE: “Yeah, but Cyclops can’t control it on his own and has to wear a gay visor. Superman doesn’t.”

3. flubby — Green Lantern’s ring

“VALUE PICK!”

Until someone hits you with a school bus, because you have the retarded weakness that is yellow objects.

4. Drew — Power Cosmic (Galactus)

‘Galactus can employ the Power Cosmic to produce nearly any effect he desires, including the molecular restructuring and transmutation of matter, the teleportation of objects — even the Golden Galaxy — across space or time, size-alteration, the projection of energy with indeterminable destructive force, the erection of nearly impenetrable force fields, the creation of interdimensional and intra-dimensional portals, telepathy, telekinesis, and cosmic awareness on a universal scale. Galactus has even shown the abilities to create sentient life in the form of Tyrant, resurrect his herald Morg, manipulate mortal souls, manipulate memories and emotions, and restore dead planets along with their population in every detail.’

“Seems like that could be handy.”

UFFORD: “Any other questions you want to ask that I already answered in the first email, Drew?”

DREW: “Punter’s up”

PUNTER: “…seriously, what’s left that Drew’s trip to the superpower buffet didn’t clear out?”

DREW: /sends Punters through interdimensional portal

5. Punter — Thor’s hammer and helmet. Mostly the helmet.

6. Ufford — Prevarication, The Rumor (The Umbrella Academy).

“Anything she says becomes true. She’ll be all, “Be careful crossing street, I heard that bus has no brakes and the driver’s a drunk.” And then the bus hits them. Besides being a great parlor trick, I would make a fortune in sports betting.”

He’ll have to lie well to pull off the purple hair and tits.