Rather than indulge every reader with a fantasy football question and a sex question from the same reader, we’ll spread the wealth and answer the better of the two from those who made the dubious walk to the Fountain of Knowledge and Ridicule. We’re mixing it up “just because;” don’t get used to it. Feel free to complain about the new format in the comments. As if such an invitation was necessary.

Here we go.

KSK,

Started dating a girl a couple of months ago when I knew that both of us would be leaving town. I meant it as an end of the summer thing, she thought it was the beginning of a serious relationship. She moved a few hours away two weeks ago and I told her that I was not willing to do long distance.

Commendable. LDRs are really just half of a relationship. I always get pissed off when people tell me that they’ve dated for three years, but that they were in other cities for more than half of that. THAT ISN’T DATING. You can play chess on a postcard that way, but relationships involve routine interaction that are almost always dependent upon living in the same city. Anyway…

On the way to an interview, I visited for the weekend and didn’t leave the apartment except for food, liquor, or condoms. Also got the beginnings of anal for the first time (for both of us). She has expressed the desire to have me put it in her butt again (which I would quite like). I will be passing through her area again in another couple of weeks.

Passing through WHICH area? Sorry. It’s been a long day.

Is it a.Wrong to sleep with a girl that would like more than I am willing to give in terms of a relationship?

I think as long as you’ve been clear about your intentions (or lack thereof) and she seems agreeable to those conditions, you’re free to pass through any area you please. Just be sure that you’re not inviting the crazy that will come along with this girl by getting her hopes up.

b. [Is it] Worth inviting the crazy that will come along with this girl by getting her hopes up(she is already starting down that road)?

Aw, shit.

Should I stay with her again on my way through her town (it’ll definitely be the last time for months, likely ever)? If it’s worth anything to you, she has the biggest tits I’ve ever been with and is down for anything in the sack. –”Matt”

Why would big tits be worth anything TO ME? I’m not the one passing through her area. Anyway, if you’re looking for a KSK-sanctioned blessing to eat and run, I’m sorry to disappoint (Not really, because you’re a dick for leading her on, but you already knew that).

Dear (unnecessary adjective) (unfunny nickname)s of (poon/dick joke),

Great effort there, dickbag.

Fantasy: Breesus Christ is on bye. Who do I start in his place: McNasty coming off a rib injury and possibly not being 100% against the shitacular Bucs, Shaun Hill vs. the Dirty Birds, or, God forbid, Horsie Balls against Buffalo’s defense, who seemingly has nobody left healthy in the secondary (4 pts/TD, 1 pt/25 yds)? And another quickie: Jacobs vs. Oakland or Slaton @ Arizona (PPR scoring, 1 pt/10 yds, 6 pts/TD).

–Marmalard’s Asking Me

I have to go with Hill, if only because he’s the guy who’s been playing regularly. Anderson and McNabb are not guys you want to count on coming off the bench, especially at quarterback, where fantasy points at that position are essential. And I like Jacobs against Oakland for your RB matchup, as I expect the Giants to lean on BJ with Eli hurt, and most likely lead in the second half.

Hey Bros,
Sex: A friend and I were recently reading a love advice column a bit like this one and a male reader sent in a concern regarding the anal bargaining process.

The Anal Bargaining Process is slated as a midsummer replacement reality show on FOX.

In order to get his wife to open her poop gates, she demanded an act just as despicable from him in retribution: he would first have to eat his own cum.

WOW.

The girl I was with thought this was absolutely disgusting and also a lopsided deal. I agreed, but who knows what kind of appetite I’d have when drunk. The advice giver advised the man to nut up and eat his own cum, so what do y’all think, deal? or no deal?

Your girl was right, that WAS a lopsided deal. BUT, it’s a deal that would (hopefully) pay itself off over time. Whereas the gentleman was only subjected to ONE instance of self-tasting, he would enjoy the corn-holed fruits of his labor for as long as he was in that relationship.

Everybody’s got a price; it just depends on how badly you want to stick it in her ass. That said, I can’t believe that a woman would have any respect for a guy after watching him swallow his own load.

Fantasy Football
1. pick three from these four wrs: OchoCinco vs. Bal, Hines vs. Det, Marshall vs. NE, or TO vs Cle.
2. My running back corps consists of Mojo, Thomas Jones, Gore, and Beanie in a small (8 team) league. Should I panic? –”Bootsie”

Hines Hines Hines! Detroit hasn’t stopped the pass against anyone all year. I also like Marshall and TO, in that order. Very favorable matchups. And don’t panic about your running backs, but since we’re immersed in the bye period of the schedule, you should definitely be shopping TO and Ocho to see what you can find. And the only reason I called you Bootsie was because you didn’t give me your own fake name to use.

What’s up Prophets of Penis Prose (Did I do it right?)–

Yup.

Alright, so I dated this girl for about three months starting from the end of last semester, over the summer, and we broke up late July. This part won’t be my question, but (I think) it’s such a great story that I should share it.

Sigh. Continue.

The reason she wanted “a break” (that’s what she called it) was because she “wanted the ability to see her friends that she usually sees over the summer,” but we were going to try and talk again before her birthday. She lives about an hour away, so I was fine with that, whatever. Her birthday’s in the middle of August, and I bought her tickets for the Tigers-Red Sox game…Nothing happened besides talking, although we slept in the same bed, and I left in the morning and I was fine.

The next week, her actual birthday, I decide to drive down and surprise her. She had a party with her friends the day before that I didn’t know about, and when I got to her house, she was surprised, but in a bad way. She wouldn’t let me in the house. I said, “Fine, just come outside and we’ll talk.” We’re talking and then she very casually brings up how there’s another guy in the house, and she’s been seeing him on our break, and I realize they were probably fucking while I was driving there to surprise her…Some background about this fucker she’s dating now: he does hard drugs and graduated high school at 20. He works at the restaurant with her.

Drugs?

Alright, here’s my actual question. While we were dating, I acquired a decent set of pictures. Good pictures.

Acquired? Or stole?

I’ve been weighing whether or not I should delete them or not. No one knows they’re on my computer besides me, and she probably thinks I deleted them. I don’t talk to her anymore, and I don’t plan on posting them or anything (sorry) but should I just go ahead and delete them? Some part of me wants to keep them (probably for a spank bank) but is that fucked up?

“Rusty”

Honestly, I don’t see the fuss in you keeping them. You’re trying to justify this with yourself by telling us this pathetic story of you taking her to a game and then finding out that, ZOMG, she was banging another dude. Relax. Take the knife away from your own throat. The only issue with the “spank bank” is that an ideal gallery would include images of women with whom you don’t (or didn’t) share any emotional connection.

Fantasy football conundrum:

I’m leaning towards going with Rice and Westbrook. But Rice is such a TD blank Hightower or Harrison could easily do better.

I like Hightower and Westbrook, mostly for the matchups, plus Westbrook can bring himself to play at a high level coming off the shelf. I don’t really know what kind of day Rice will have against a Bengals D that has been playing fairly well of late.

And for copulation conundrums…

I’ve written before, I was the 1 millionth anal question guy.

Your commemorative beads are in the mail.

Anyway the girl is great and I really do like her a lot. Thing is Im getting to meet more Americans here in Peru and it has me kinda longing for a nice easy to communicate relationship. Plus, most of these american broads are dying for an American guy. My spanish speaking goes well but sometimes it can be frustrating with the girlfriend. Although its gotten better. I guess I’m probably better off with the Spanish speaking cutie but is it wrong of me to just want to be lazy and have somebody that is easier to connect with?

And for the record I mean she is a really great person overall and I sometimes question how likely I’d be to find somebody as cool. Just that whole communication boundary can be a real bitch.

I don’t give a fuck how hard it is to communicate. FOREIGN WOMEN KICK ASS. Time to brush up on your Spanish. Trust me, there are plenty of lonely, English-speaking heifers waiting for you to come back to the States. WHEN IN ROME, FUCK THE ROMAN CHICKS!

Gents,

A guy in my league grew frustrated with Crabtree and dropped him right before he signed. My backup WRs are Nate Burleson, Patrick Crayton and Steve Breaston. Do you think it’s worth dropping one of those guys, who are reliable but by no means spectacular, and taking a chance on Crabtree? If so, which one should I drop?

Drop Crayton. I’ve had that fucker each of the last two years and he’s a perennial disappointment. At least Crabtree has upside.

Sex:

My girlfriend, who is coming into town today, recently said she’d be willing to let me enter through the backdoor. I’m a bit conflicted because, honestly, I don’t really care. I’m not averse to the idea so part of me thinks I should just go for it. But I’m 98% positive she doesn’t really want to do it (100% she never has) and it was just meant to be a gesture of goodwill, so I feel like it would be more respectful of her open-mindedness if I saved it for something that was actually important to me, sexual or otherwise. Thoughts? –”G”

Saved it? THAT SHIT DON’T ACCRUE INTEREST, YO. It’s an invitation to sodomize. It’s not a money market fund. But yeah, I don’t get the anal thing, either. It’s really an infatuation for the small-dicked. It never hurts to just keep that in mind for later. You know, for when you two live in the same city and are engaged in an actual relationship.

Sirs,

I just picked up Kenny Britt, what’re your thoughts on him?

I’ve shared my boner for Hines this week already. I also like Roddy and Percy. But not much.

Does anyone at KSK (or the commenting community) have any experience with women who’ve had laser hair removal on their ‘gines? My girlfriend’s considering. Here’s the thing, I was once with a whore (whore like “escort”), and it seemed like that’s what she had done…but it was weird. Just seemed off, noticeably different from shaved or waxed vaginas, and enough so that I’m not sure how I feel about it. Maybe it was weird just because she was a whore. Maybe because a lasered vag is weird? Any thoughts on this?

Bush.

Oy Gentlemen,
First with the sex: My girl and I have been together for almost two years now, and I’ll admit it anonymously over the internet that I’ve started thinking of possibly spending the rest of my life with her. She’s beyond my league lookswise, a great cook, and doesn’t hold back in bed, great right? I thought I was the luckiest man in the world until I ran into a little, um, roadblock recently.

Do tell.

Ok, last week me and my girl go out for a friend’s birthday, and as per usual, get wasted drunk. Anyways, we end up back at my place at the end of the night and try to knock out some drunk sex before sleep. Well, she’s going down on me and in bed I like to dominate so I usually like to shove my dick in as far in her mouth as I can to get her gagging (She’s into this, so it all works out.)

Healthy. And awesome.

Well, this particular night after a few minutes, I guess I got too aggressive and gagged her to the point where she vomited all over my crotch. Like, all over.

Wait, I thought you said she was “into it.”

I’m going to spare you the details of what that feels like, but rest assured there was a lot of disgusted screaming and apologizing going on. This has never happened before. I was repulsed. Ultimately we tried to just laugh it off and pretend that it never happened but since Operation Blowchunks, I haven’t been able to ‘get up’ for any kind of intimacy with her. I have no problem getting hard with my porn stash or while thinking about others, but I haven’t been able to do the deed with her. She’s terribly embarassed and I don’t make her feel bad about it. But the mental image of Butter Chicken n tequila spilled over my buddy down below is burned into my head. What can I do to get things back to the way they used to be? There’s got to be a way to eventually go over this right?

Dude, it’s just puke on your junk. What’s the big deal?

When Phil Knight, CEO of Nike, launched an ad campaign in 1988 encouraging aspiring basketball shoe owners to Just Do It, he very well could have been discussing man’s uncertainty with the opposite sex. Sexuality was a very inhibited thing, even just 21 years ago. Nowadays people are showcasing their goods everywhere, seemingly without restraint. But what does it all mean? That’s the question we try to slap with our junk in this week’s mailbag. img.

Punishers of Hangy Balls -

Football: I have the second pick in one of my drafts and cant for the life of me decide on a clear cut #2 pick after adrian peterson.  I am leaning towards Steve Fucking Slaton.  Am I a moron?

Yes.

Seems like all the rest of the high profile backs besides Mike Turner will be sharing carries.

Maurice Jones-Drew won’t be losing too many carries to Greg Jones; DeAngelo Williams will still produce, despite Jonathan Stewart’s rise to prominence. I like your thinking with Slaton, but you should always draft for value with the first half of your picks. If you really feel that way about Slaton, draft Turner or MJD and trade for whoever winds up with him after the draft, asking the other guy for Slaton and a little extra. I doubt he’ll fall into your lap on the way back, but there is that chance.

Sex: I sleep with this girl once in a while and I really like her (gay I know).

Technically, that’s the opposite of gay.

When we hang out she tells me how much she likes me but then i wont hear from her for a while (I try not to contact her and seem stalkerish).  I also know she “dates” a lot of guys in between the times I see her.  Should I man up and bury my feelings and just stop talking to her?  or should I roll the dice and tell her I like her?  or should I just be happy with sex once in a while and the high risk of STD’s?

Sincerely,

A fag in Dallas

I couldn’t have sex with someone that I knew was getting it on with other dudes at the same time. I really don’t get it. If you like her…and you might want to write this part down…TELL HER. If she says she’s not interested…still writing?…YOU LEAVE.

Sexbaggers,

I’m a 20 year old male who recently spent a summer working at a sandwich place, where I met a young lady of my age.

Jesus H, buddy. We don’t need your life’s story.

The woman in question is undeniably cute, if not exactly stunning. I would qualify her as an 8.

So she’s a 6? On a good day?

We hit it off pretty well, got along, though because she has a kid and a live-in boyfriend (not the father), I haven’t tried to get fresh with her.

Do you hear that? Those are alarm bells going off…

We do, though, become friendly. To the point where we went shopping together for my dorm this semester. That particular incident pissed off her (rich, fit, cohabitant) boyfriend something fierce, to the point where he came into the store to check up on her the next day, apparently to make sure I wasn’t mounting her on the prep table.

That would have been a fine play. You obviously can’t go back to her place…

The night before I left for school, I get a request from her to buy her alcohol. I am young looking enough to get carded and have a lack of connections, so I tell her I can’t.

Lame.

She tells me to offer a picture of her nipple rings to my older brother. I tell her that my brother won’t even do it for me, but that by all means she should send me the picture, colon-dash-letter p. She sends one, her breasts are very nice, and I figure she is just one of those “free spirit” types and write it off as such after telling her that I was just joking. The next day, we’re texting and she apologizes for sending the picture. I tell her (because I am a pussy) that it’s hard to be just a platonic friend and not a pathetic wanna-jump-your-bones kind of friend when I have a picture like that.

Pussy.

She then tells me I’m simply not that kind of person (wrong), and that I am, I quote, huggable, as well as the possessor of a silly, fun loving personality as well as being a good listener.

In other words, you’re a fat loser.  A fat loser that can’t provide for her kid WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL THERE SHE HAS A FUCKING CHILD! A CHILD, I SAY!

All of that, as we know, means she [does not] intend to have sex/a relationship with me ever, a position she’s strongly if wordlessly maintained since we met.

Does she have a boy or a girl? And if it’s a girl, is she over 18? At least over 14?

Later that night, I get a picture of her obviously taken just out of the shower. She then says she thought it was a good picture, but didn’t want to send the others she took because I didn’t like the one of her boobs. I tell her that I did like it, she sends me yet more nude pictures, and I am suitably pleased, but also highly confused.

She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid

She and her boyfriend (also going to school) are moving up here soon, so it’s not like she’s going to be hours away and the most I can ever hope for is a weekly replenishment of the spank bank. So I guess my question is, is she just kind of slutty?

Yes. Like Hitler “kind of” didn’t like the Jews.

Is she interested in me? Both? Should I pursue this, or just stay away from the whole single-mother/living-with-a-boyfriend mess and try to find another woman goodly enough to send me nude pictures while I’m away at school?

You need a source for naked pictures. I’ll have to introduce you to my friend, Google Image Search. Best part of all? GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH HAS NO KIDS!

So far as fantasy, I generally tend to get either top three or bottom three draft spots. This year, however, in one of the leagues I’ve been in for a while, I’m 8 of 16. Who should I aim for with that spot? I am thinking somebody in the Chris Johnson/Steve Slaton mold, is that off? What about the second round? It’s .5 PPR, by the way.

I like the chances of either Brandon Jacobs and MJD falling your way, and then grabbling one of the Johnson receivers (Calvin or Andre) on the way back.  PPR is a big deal, especially when you can grab a guy that gets the bulk of looks from his team.

Dear Book Salesmen,

Football first. I am in a 12 team league in which you get two keepers from last season, thus the 24 top players are off the board before the first pick. I’ve had the luxury of having both Ladanian Tomlinson and Joseph Addai on my squad for several seasons. I raised them both from rookie pups, but now it appears my pups have been Vick’d. Is it time to release the hounds and replace them with new blood, or should I try to squeeze one more year out of either of their tired old legs? I have Matt Forte, Matt Ryan, and a few receivers such as Santonio Holmes & Anthony Gonzalez that I could replace them with. I think Forte is a solid top 10 pick and a lock to keep, but not sure about the rest. Who do you keep? Is LT still a top 24 pick?

He is not. Forte, as you’ve said, is entrenched in everyone’s top ten this summer. And no disrespect to Matt Ryan or Holmes, both of whom will have great seasons, but you shouldn’t be keeping anyone else.

I don’t know how your league works, but a lot of people are turned off by keeper leagues because of the first thing you mentioned—every year the top talent is unavailable to draft. The best keeper leagues utilize some sort of system that makes it more expensive for owners to keep the same players each season. The easiest way to do this is to slate each keeper as a draft choice one round higher than he was taken the previous year. For example, if I drafted Marion Barber in the third round last year, I would have to forfeit a second round pick this year to keep him, and a first round pick to do so next year. Food for thought.

Now sex. I’m fat. Not scrub myself with a rag on a stick fat, but a good 25 pounds overweight. People often assume that because I am fat, I like fat girls. This isn’t the case at all. Call it a fetish but I prefer women with nice bodies.

That’s not a fetish. And how dare you speak poorly of the rag on a stick.

I’d rather go without sex than mate with my own. I’ve done it a few times with big girls and I think I’d rather stir soup with my dick. Fortunately, I can occasionally charm my way into the pants of thin (and usually drunk) women. Thus, I prefer to take the quality over quantity approach in my sex life. The problem is, I’m in a rather long slump even by my standards. My friend’s wife wants to set me up with a plus sized friend that is pretty much a sure lay. Should I hop a train to hog heaven or just keep hoping that I hit the drunk chick lottery? Is it wrong for me to be opposed to dating large women?

– My Pants Say Husky

Men are easy targets for being accused of shallowness and viewing women as little more than objects. But women do it, too. But you’re asking for permission to be begging and choosing, so let’s get back on topic. There’s no shame in the occasional slumpbuster, provided that you have an exit strategy that doesn’t malign your friendship or make you persona non grata whenever his wife is home. The trains to hog heaven are vast and plentiful, but the trains outta there are few and far between.

Dear Clownsuit Afficianados,

Sex:

I’ll try and keep it short and sweet.

Spoiler Alert: He fails.

So I’ve had a thing for my best friend’s little sister for a while now (We’re both in our 20s you sick fucks).

Losing interest…

I’ve never acted on it, and we’ve never done anything more than harmless flirting.  But recently my feelings have grown stronger and the past couple times we’ve all hung out, the two of us have spent increasingly more time with one another.  I think she might share some feelings for me because she says things like how excited she is when she hears I’m coming to whatever event everyone will be at, and exclaims how much she “loves me” when I’m around.

I wish I had a Euro for every time we got an email that could be summed up with, “She really likes me! Do you think she likes me?”

The thing is she’s kind of a goof and we share a similar sense of humor so I don’t know how serious to take these comments.  Also we tend to drunk text one another, but it’s usually nothing sexual, more along the lines of a funny quote or a random movie reference.  I’ve never mentioned any of this stuff to him, but he has to have noticed how I hang out more with her than him when we’re all together.

I smell a three-way! No, wait, I just burned my microwave popcorn! Shit!

My question is what’s protocol for trying to date your best friend’s little sister?  Also, he is going away to a foreign country for an extended period of time for business in the near future.  Should I wait till he goes before making a move?  Should I even bother making a move?

Oh, this isn’t burned that bad. Just a little on the top of the bag. I think the rest of this is still good.

Because part of me thinks I might be in the friend zone because of how long we’ve known each other, but another part of me sees some of the classic signs a chick is into you when we hang out.

Do you know how microwave popcorn pops? Teflon! There’sTeflon in the fucking popcorn! I’m eating Teflon right now!

If there are no moral implications on the matter, how the hell do I propose to hang out with her one on one without her brother being present and without sounding like a creepshow?  Her brother could also squish me like a grape if he felt so inclined…something to consider.

Alright, your friend knows you fairly well, so he is going to decide whether or not you’re good enough for the sis, and just because he finds hanging out with you acceptable DOESN”T MEAN that he wants you in the family. But also realize that he might also be looking forward to this—he surely saw the signs before he said anything to you about it. That said, you don’t really seem interested in her as much as you seem opportunistic about getting into her pants, but it’s your rodeo, Cowboy. Either way, you’re a bag of dicks if you don’t discuss this with him. Today. Stay above board on this and things stand a better chance of working out in your favor.

Football:

Do you think the Giants should trade one of their excess D-lineman and a pick for Brandon Marshall?  There’s no mandatory 1 year sentence for beating your girlfriend in a NY nightclub right?

Wannabe Sister Fucker

Your friend is going to love that sig, Mr. “It’s nothing sexual.” Spare me.

If Osi getting hurt last year proves anything, it’s that you never know when you’ll call upon your bench to carry the day. The Giants had three Pro-Bowl defensive ends after they won Super Bowl XLII. As they began the following season, they had one. You should really try some of this popcorn.

Dear KSK:

Football: Even though I will be a senior in college, I still do a fantasy league with my high school friends.

Very awesome.

It turns out that one of our friends in the league lives literally next to James Brown of CBS’The NFL Today fame. Not only that, but our friend’s parents are supposedly friendly with him and his wife. So do you think he’d be willing to moderate our fantasy draft?

No.

Sex: my friends and I were talking about this the other day: Would you ever date a porn star?

Hell, no.

I mean on the one hand you’d have a really hot partner who would be willing to do just about anything sexually (you wouldn’t have to write KSK asking how to get anal). But on the other hand, when you two go out to make money during the day,…

I don’t know about this “going out” of which you speak.

…while you’d be doing whatever average desk job you have, she’d be out banging other dudes.  Thoughts?

ZK

Presuming that I could find a tall, busty brunette who was well-read, athletic, didn’t mind eating Subway three times a week and wasn’t annoyed with football, that would all be trumped by the fact that she banged other dudes on camera for a living. The social stigma and the increased risks of STDs could not be offset by the fact that I’d be dating an above-average looking woman who’s earning her own money and not enamored with the many annoying pretentions of modern society.

Because I hate wearing condoms.

(Side note: many sports bloggers also send KSK links to their take on the NBA Finals or an early look at the Cy Young race. These people can’t fuck off and die soon enough.)

Earlier this week, our own Unsilent Majority received the following email from reader (or possibly non-reader) Donovan Payton, who seemingly used his real name to email the Maj:

you suck man. Your blog sucks. KSK sucks. Rocky IV, the orgin of your name is the suckiest of them all…even worse than V….oh yeah…you suck.
DP

Thanks, Don! We couldn’t agree more. The Maj does suck. So do both our blog and Kissing Suzy Kolber, in case anyone gets the two confused. However, we missed the part where Suzy Kolber interviewed Ivan Drago in Rocky IV, and it’s the group’s majority opinion that V was a pretty sweet miniseries.