I was thinking about the internet today, you guys.

What an amazing collection of knowledge we have in front of us. Volumes and volumes of anything any person would ever want to learn in his or her lifetime. And what do we do? We search for our own names in search engines. We find our own locations on those GPS machines. And we stalk our friends on Facebook, especially the hot sexy people that are friends with our wives. Don’t act like you don’t do that either. The Great Masturbator In The Sky will know if you’re being truthful. Because he jacks it to your lies.

Anyway, let’s get to the mailbag. Caveman’s on vacation, which is kinda funny when you think about a caveman trying to get away from it all:

Good Sir Ufford,

Excuse me, but this is Footsteps Falco here. Please address me accordingly.

FF: First time playing, started a league. What would you consider a good draft order? I’m thinking:

And then I’m lost.

No sir. You were already lost when you were drafting a quarterback in the first round. Are you too good for a Jamaal Charles or a Ray Rice? A LeSean McCoy even? Are you too good to refer to these gentlemen with indefinite articles despite their being the only persons of their ilk? Your skills, good sir, would be better suited for the front office of the Miami Dolphins, who can’t ever seem to acquire a quarterback worth his salt. Feel free to inform them of your availability, and also feel free to list Gerald Dean “Footsteps” Falco as a reference on your resumé.

Sex: I’m college bound, my girlfriend is a junior in high school.

Is she 18? Better question: Would a judge believe me if I said she looked 18?

My college isn’t too terribly far, about a 2 hour drive, but I didn’t plan on a lot of trips home. While I’d love to get the full college experience of a different co-ed every night,

Ho ho! You and every other red-blooded male, my friend! Please…continue.

I’ve always been more of a girlfriend guy than one to hit it and quit it. She’s easily one of the coolest girls I’ve known, and she’d most likely be going to a nearby college in 2 years. What say you: keep the Middling Distance Relationship or start over new?
-MDR

I am reminded of the old Chinese proverb: He who drives for pussy wastes at least 3 of his nine lives. I think I read that in a fortune cookie someplace. Hey, have you ever noticed that some of the “fortunes” in those fortune cookies aren’t actual fortunes? Like if I crack open one of those suckers and it says “You are a wise and gentile soul” or some shit? That’s not a prognostication! That’s downright brown-nosing! What’s the dealio with that?

**********

Dear Caveman,

Dearest Falco, you mean.

Sex: I know you like brevity, so I’ll break it down quickly: I think this girl is spectacular.

Stick with her.

Glad we could help. Next!

I could go on, but it would end up resembling Louie’s confession to Pamela too much.

Oh, when you said “I could go on,” I didn’t realize that you were actually going to…uh…go on. And I don’t watch that Louie show. My wife finagled the parental controls for FX and she won’t give me the PIN for it. Damn V-Chips.

Naturally, she’s also in a secure, long-term relationship with a British dude who I have come to hate without meeting him.

Hey, I’m with you, buddy! Nobody hates the Brits more than I do! Except for maybe Paul Revere. I heard he once sodomized a gal from Sussex in 1781. I believe the battle cry was “One if by ass, two if by cooter.”

She’s a friend-of-a-friend, we hung out pretty frequently last summer and by the end confessed mutual interest, but nothing happened, she was only in town for a few months, and I haven’t seen her since. This fall, she’ll be moving back to my city, without the boyfriend.

/lights first lantern

I’ll completely understand if you want to take the moral fifth on this, and tell me to stop being an asshole or stop deluding myself.

Stop being an asshole! Stop…wait, what was the rest?

No question, that is the sensible answer that you ought to give and I am realistic about the likely results here. But I think at least the kommentariat will have enough evil bastards to produce a couple dastardly schemes to break up this relationship. Honestly it’s almost like a Kommenter Draft: “ways to wreck a home.” I’ll take anything from “go dancing and grind her” to “have the boyfriend killed.” Actually, let me revise: THE SKY IS THE LIMIT, SO LONG AS THAT LIMIT DOES NOT CARRY FELONY CHARGES.

You’ve obviously never raped a 14-year-old girl in a hot air balloon before.

Look here, friendo. If you think you stand a chance at being the Transcontinental Lolita, you have to take a few things into account. One: homewrecking is not enumerated in the Geneva Convention. And if I read your email correctly, these two aren’t even married! That’s gives Captain Peepee free reign in my book! And Two, if you can demonstrate more value to her in person than Nigel can via Skype, then you should give her a declaration of independence with your (John Han)cock.

America!

Football: My league has an auction draft.

America again!

I know this is a niche (though hopefully a growing one), I was wondering what your thoughts were about nominating players for auction. One school of thought is to put up players you want, so you can find out quickly what you’re going to have on your team (and snag favorites) and thus maximize flexibility as the auction wears on. Another is to nominate players you DON’T want, so that everyone else wastes their money on them and you (hopefully) reap the rewards. Do you have any thoughts on that particular piece of strategy?
-PB

I have some thoughts on this! Remember when you went to the homecoming dance in high school? Now think of yourself as a Taiwanese crime lord and auctioning off those women to be shipped out as sex slaves across the globe. Hey, it could happen! But would you want the best girls from your dance to get stuck in the back of that 45-foot shipping container, subject to starvation or potentially being crushed? Golly, no! You’d save the prettiest gals of the gala for the very end, and that’s a great rule of thumb for fantasy football too. Wait for everyone else to spend their money, be they fellow owners or the captains of the Yakuza.

Bon chance, buddy!

***********

Dear KSK,
Fantasy: Everyone should buy their FFL commissioner a beer for taking the time to make the league work. Specifically organizing everyone the draft/auction. I get exhausted just answering yes/no to predetermined auction dates. Organizing a fantasy football draft is probably way harder than any task I’ve ever done at my job.

You should be grateful for even having a job right now. Ah, I’m just pulling your leg! Jobs suck!

Sex: I live in an old area where the buildings are all as big as the lots, this puts my windows close to my neighbors. My girlfriend happens to be friends with the girl that lives next door to me and apparently she can hear her while we’re going at it (regardless of the window being open or closed).

Kinky!

Last week she sent a text to my GF saying please keep it down, I’m tired of hearing your shrill moans. This really pissed her off and they traded a few text messages. It ended with her saying stop being such a bitch and we moved on.

Maybe she meant “Stop being such a banshee!” Damn autocorrect!

Last night and we turned on the TV loud like we normally do (I’ve got roommates — they’ve never said anything to me about her) and she mentioned she was going to work on being a little less loud (I like it and do not care what this neighbor thinks). We’re going at it, she starts singing a little and her phone rings twice and then gets a text notification (I notice it during sex, she doesn’t). About an hour later she checks her phone and sees this text message saying ‘SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH’ and pretty much immediately starts crying.

Hold the phone there, bub. Pun intended!

So instead of getting your ladygal to hush up, you turn up your television? And your roommates obviously aren’t going to admit to listening to you bumping uglies…at least I never did to my roommates! But enough about my parents. But why is your neighbor getting a free show? This sounds like a lawsuit for voyeurism to me, friendo!

It wasn’t a problem before, we both just laughed it off. Now it is. I have her crying in my arms after sex and she’s going to be self conscious to the point of probably not wanting to have sex at my place for at least a week. I’m pissed. What’s my play here?
-Anon

Most women cry in my bed after sex. Don’t worry. When you call her in three days, she’ll just tell you that she’s really busy with a lot of things and will get back to you when she can. Problem solved!

But really, no sex for a week? My heart bleeds for ya, Jack.

**********

Dear Sages of snatch,

Not a whole lot of fantasy advice needed, I’m the GM of a 12 team league with owners of varying levels of experience. Any suggestions on how to improve the quality of a draft party? I’m having a cookout at the house with plenty of booze and food, a few little gimmicks to determine draft order and other fun things, but I figure you’ve done this enough times to have a good idea or two.

The best and worst thing about draft parties is giving the other owners things to preoccupy themselves between picks, whether it’s a game of bocce out in the yard or torturing your homecoming dance slave in your basement.

The issue is that most of us gents can’t pay attention to anything for more than two hours, especially under the influence of alcohol. Give the fellas some opportunities to horse around between picks, but make sure they know when they’re on deck to get their selections in.

Sex, or rather relationships, or rather being a shallow bastard in the midst of a pretty good relationship. I’ve been dating a girl for roughly 5 months now (We’re both in our mid-20’s), after spending the last 5-6 years in various casual non-monogamous relationships. The girl I’m dating now is funny, intelligent, has an interesting career and hobbies, seems to be head over heels for me for some reason, and is generally fantastic to be around. This is the part where you likely type “but…”

Fuck you. Ha! Really changed it up there, didn’t I, friendo?

She is cute, but she is unhealthily overweight (20-30 pounds by BMI standards)

Whoa whoa whoa. BMI is a joke. An absolute joke. You know who else is obese by BMI standards? Michael Jordan and pretty much every other professional athlete that ever cashed a check since 1990. Fuck BMI. Fuck it in its poorly-groomed asshole.

and far less sexually experienced than I am (by a factor of more than 10:1).

So she hasn’t fuck halfed of Wichita like you have. I can see why this is such a bad thing for you.

The latter isn’t a huge deal, though it makes her somewhat hesitant to try new things.

“Baby, when I get really excited, I want you to stick a finger in my poorly-groomed asshole.”

The former is an issue though because I really want to see her as having serious long term potential. As someone who was in the same position growing up I’m sympathetic to how difficult it is to lose weight and because I care for her so much I don’t want to hurt her feelings.

“Fat bitch, look at my life. I’m a lot like you wereeeeeeeeee….”

She’s trying on her own to get in shape, and I’ve done my best to support her, going on a small diet myself and trying to get her to exercise with me, but she’s less and less committed to it every day. She’s not dumb, so she knows that my attempts to help aren’t entirely health related, but I don’t know how not to come off like a jerk. I’m just finding myself less attracted as time passes and I don’t know when it’s time to give up on a fantastic girl. I feel like a frank talk would only be really hurtful to her while accomplishing next to nothing, and I’m sure if I push it more outwardly she’s going to be rightfully resentful. So what to do? At what point is trying to change someone who loves you harder on them than just breaking it off?
-Shallow Hal

Wait, I just realized that lyric should have been “I was a lot like you are now.” Golly, I really screwed that up guys. My bad.

**********

Oh Captain, My Captain,

Oh Falco, Your Falco.

Football first. I have participated in the same league for the last couple of years.

So? You want a medal or something? This isn’t the Special Olympics, you know (by the way, if you actually are retarded or something, I apologize).

Good group of guys, $100 buy in, and pretty typical rules. But in the middle of last season, I got a job in the mountains (all the guys live in Denver), about 3 hours away. They’re doing a live draft on a Wednesday and are giving me a ton of shit for wanting to skype or call in for the draft, but of course, leaving work early on Wednesday to get to Denver for a fucking fantasy draft seems patently absurd to me.

I’m flying 1200 miles, round-trip, for a fantasy draft in 2 weeks. Sounds like you could use a 20-ounce bottle of man the fuck up. Buy some at your local gas station on your way to Denver.

Now, let’s make with the love. I had a very tumultuous, sometimes great sometimes awful relationship with a woman in Denver for a good long time.

“And then she wanted me to come into town to do stuff and I was all fuck that, bitch!”

That’s over now, her wandering eye and my moving being a bad combination that couldn’t be overcome. But we were together for a solid four years, and during that time we really did share everything: an apartment, dog, record collection, and a really great friendship. It’s been difficult, sometimes with her wanting back in, sometimes me, but never at the same time.

If El Capitan were here now, he’d probably remind you that most people only remember the good things from their relationships, that we tend to gloss over or block out the bad, and that we’re often gravitating toward other people if only for the sake of acquiring stank on our planks.

Anyway, now I’m moved and starting over and have begun seeing a woman with whom I really connect.

“Planks” means “penises,” by the way.

The dates are awesome, we have great conversations, completely “get” one another. And the intimate times? Outta sight, my man!

Dad?

Problem is, I’m still hearing from the ex, and every time I do, the hurt feelings and memories come rushing back, causing me great consternation.

Eat lots of grapes. Those always get me back on track.

I still want to be friends with this woman, but if I heard she was seeing someone else, I’d be hurt, as I know she would be about me and this new woman. I have no interest in hurting her.

Thank you sir.
Jeff Georgeous

Golly, Jeff! It sounds like your old ladymate hasn’t quite had the chance to move on! It’s probably best to keep her nose out of your business, unless of course she lives right next door to your current girlfriend and sends over cock-blocking text messages in the midst of coitus. But really, if she’s upset with you and your new girl, she’s entitled to that, and you can’t plan around that.

You’ll just have to be extra-careful if you want to keep your new relationship in hiding, but the best approach might be to acknowledge that this is out of your control: you can’t control whether you’ll run into her, and you can’t control how she’ll feel when she sees you with your new girl. And goodness gracious, that just might be what she needs to see in order to move on.
**********

Dear Corporal Creeper,
Fantasy: I am in an auction keeper league with a $200 budget where your keepers cost last years draft price plus $10. I am keeping Freeman and Hillis for a total of $20, which leaves me with a starting QB with upside potential, a #2rb (at least), and $180 to spend on the rest of my team.

B) Go after a top RB and two top receivers and have somewhere around $30 to fill 10 more spots.

Always always always wait for the end of auction drafts. The bargains are at the end of the draft, where other owners have expended their funds and their patience entirely too early. Option A is your better bet here, sir.

Sex (I think): I have not blacked out since college, which I have been removed from for 3yrs. That was until last weekend. I remember being with my buddy, meeting up with his girlfriend and her friends, and talking, with no interest, to one of his girlfriend’s friends. From that point until 6:30 am when I had a friend pick me and aforementioned girl up on a dt street corner in the pouring rain, I remember nothing.

Sincerely,
I forget

Tell her you lost your hat. She’ll understand.

“You said you wanted a threesome.”

The best thing about bestiality is that the animal doesn’t care if you never call back. You can just hammer out your business in the barn and then go on about your day. Alas, we don’t pursue relationships with animals, but with other people. People with their own needs, their own opinions, and their own little ways of annoying us. People that want to spend time with us, people that want to share animals with us, and people that want to share other people. All these demands for sharing? People can be so selfish sometimes.

Mr. Ufford has handed me the reins this week, and I intend to whip hard, so let’s get to some questions. Heeya!

We open with an earlier request fulfilled, courtesy of reader “WBM.” Sir, the floor is yours.

Hey Punte, I’ve got an early relationship question for you as requested.

I’m about three weeks into dating a new girl. She’s fun, down to earth, not too whiny, makes my penis happy (maybe that should’ve been listed first).

I think you got it right the first time.

I’d say this has got a good shot at lasting a little while. She’s definitely the best option I’ve ran into since I broke up with my ex last fall.

I have no information on that aforementioned “ex,” but there’s something about abandoning a relationship during football season that makes me happy. My penis agrees. We’re both happy. Maybe I should have listed my penis first.

The only weird thing thus far is the fact that she lives two blocks from me. We live in the city and met at this bar that’s a stone’s throw from both of us. At first thought, it sounds great to live that close without actually having to live with the girl. Take a quick walk for some afternoon delight, easily make it home in the morning and get to work on time, or just sleep in your own bed if you don’t want to stay, etc.

Did you type “afternoon delight” with a straight face? You ol’ bastard, you.

However, what’s quickly became an elephant in the room for us is that she now expects me to see her every night, and it’s way too early for that. I’m done with work and the gym by 7, and then she pretty much knows if we’re both at home just watching TV or whatever and wants to do something every night. I can’t exactly lie and say I’m busy if I want some space because she’ll see my car there or see the lights on.

Wow, she can see your car from her apartment? That’s not creepy at all.

If I want to hang out with the bros or just relax and have a night to myself every now and then, I basically have to tell her in not so many words “I don’t want to see you tonight” whereas a bro who isn’t in my position could tell his girl “Let’s hang out Tuesday and Friday this week, I’m busy the rest of the week” and that would suffice.

Those bros have it so good.

It’s not just me wanting space, I think seeing someone every night in the first three weeks of knowing them is major overexposure and could ruin this thing before it even has a chance. So how do you think I should keep this moving at a normal pace without coming off like a dickhead?

I don’t think it’s that bad, as long as going to the usual places isn’t a huge potential issue.

The neighborhood bar is also a huge potential issue

Oh.

as my friends and I go there 2-3 nights a week and the place is littered with past hookups.

Littered? That’s an interesting word selection.

Now I’m going there with her (not my choice, she loves the place) and running into them all the time. What do I do about the other girls at the bar, probably nothing right?

I want you to realize what you’re putting out here: You and your friends visit the same bar twice a week. A bar, mind you, not terribly far from your house. You are meeting woman after woman after woman at this bar. You are making out with them and, to observe your parlance, crumpling them up and tossing them into the rubbish bin. You’ve done this enough times that the collective presence of these women is starting to make you nervous.

Quick aside: I’ve never been in favor of the concept of hooking up, but I’ve never totally understood it. There were a lot of times Back In The Day where I’d meet a girl, things would go well, and I’d never hear from her. It wasn’t until I was a lot older that I eventually realized that, hey, some people just want to fool around for a night and then never pursue the relationship, and that I had even done this on more than one occasion without realizing it.

That doesn’t mean that I’m giving you grief over the hookups–I suspect that some of those women were looking for the same sort of casual experience that you were–but that sort of process doesn’t really lend itself toward stability with another person. One other person. What I’m trying to say is that parts of your brain might wonder why you’ve been fucking the same person for three weeks, and not made changes in accordance with your routine. Am I making any sense here?

So as far as the “overexposure” goes, I’d find an (honest) excuse to stay out one night a week without her, whether it’s a poker night with “a friend of a friend,” a pool league as some bar “all the way across town,” or something involving guns. Women hate guns. But also acknowledge that by sticking with one person that your pace of life will level out to some degree. Sit down with yourself, maybe before you leave the gym one night, and decide if that’s what you really want. I really don’t mean this in a negative way, but you really don’t sound like relationship material. Nothing wrong with that, unless your hair’s starting to fall out.

For Fantasy, we’re doing an auction draft for the first time this fall. What’s some good starting advice? My preliminary thinking is that with the injury turnover and the amount of good FA’s you can find throughout the season, I should break the bank on dependable first and second round talent.

Your loyal reader and occasional commenter,
WBM

Auction drafts are great fun and I wish more people would consider them. The issue is that they tend to run a bit long and most people are terrible at pegging player value while maintaining their own salary budgets. This works to the advantage of patient people who do their homework.

The best advice I can give is to nominate the better-known players early and to continually evaluate the bidding as a group. Are mediocre fantasy players starting bidding wars? Did Kevin Boss just go for $15? Why isn’t anyone bidding on Philip Rivers?

There will be one or two guys in every draft that are nominated when people get gun-shy and hold off on throwing out bids, and someone will scoop them up for a ridiculous price. Don’t spend too much too early (especially on backups) and completely ignore kickers, tight ends and defenses for the first two-thirds of the auction. Good luck and happy bidding.

~~~o ~~~o ~o ~~~o~~~o ~~~o ~o ~~~o

Punter,

Football First: I get to keep Peyton Hillis for a 5th round pick

Nice.

and also have the 4th pick in the upcoming draft. With the 4th pick, should I take another RB to pair with Hillis or should I trust him enough to take a top of the line QB or WR? For what it’s worth, passing TD’s are worth six points.

There will enough depth at quarterback this year that might reward waiting until the second round, and depending on the RB depth in your draft pool, I’d suggest doing that. I don’t like Peyton, Rodgers or Brees as fourth overall picks, but grabbing either Tom Brady, Philip Rivers, Matt Schaub or even Ben Roethlisberger in a run at No. 21 gives you good value. If you can wait for any of those guys, I would grab another ball carrier at No. 4 and immediately start shit-mouthing the rest of your league.

Relationships: My girlfriend and I have been dating for longer than 4 months now. We are rather serious and we have both traveled out of the state we both live in to visit the other’s families and meet friends and have talked about scenarios that involve each other in our future plans.

Big steps, sir. Big steps indeed.

We have implied that we love each other but have not come out and said it. My question is how do you know when the right time is to say “I love you” to my girlfriend and how soon is too soon so that I don’t scare her off.

Thanks,
Hillis Guy

There are two times to break out the “I love you” card: too early and too late. You’ll either say it out of angst, just to get it over with, or you drag it out until both of you are bursting at the seems to just say it already and get it over with. Nobody gets it just right, unless a yacht is involved.

I’ll proceed assuming you don’t own a yacht. And I suggest waiting. You’ve only dated for four months. That’s barely enough time to memorize the moles on her ass. I’m not putting that out there as a benchmark; I’m just sayin. There’s no rush, and you’ll be happy you didn’t rush two weeks from now when you find out That One Thing about her that will drive you fucking mad. Wait for that, and if your feelings endure, let them be known.

But be warned, if she says it to you first, this plan doesn’t have to go to hell. It’s not a race, and even if it was, you can’t finish any worse than second.

And I’m sure Ufford would like to congratulate you on finding someone in your own state. That’s harder than it looks, apparently.

~~~o ~~~o ~o ~~~o~~~o ~~~o ~o ~~~o

Captain Fill in,

Mmmmmmyessssss? [audio]

First sex:
I’ve been with my girl for about a year and a half, and we have been living together for about the last 8 months. Our relationship is great, we get along, make each other laugh, never fight and rarely argue. When we first got together, she was working nights, so our sex life consisted of nights when she was off.

But she got off! Because you were…and then she…but her boss had to…dammit. I’ll figure out that joke later.

Since April, she has since switched to a day shift, but our frequency of sex has not increased.

Now she gets off every night! But…she doesn’t. Because…

Wait, can I take that one back?

This is not a huge issue for me, as we have great sex when we do have sex, and my sex drive isn’t what it was when I was younger.

I know a guy who had a similar issue. His name is EVERY MOTHERFUCKER ON PLANET EARTH.

But go on.

I do worry that this is something that is bothering her however. I’ve brought it up to her a couple times, and she assures me it is not an issue for her either, as she feels our relationship is based on more than sex, and she enjoys the sex we have when we have it as well. My question is, should I believe her? Or is this something I need to make an effort to improve on?

…Shit, what were we talking about, again? Oh.

So you think that the absence of sex is a leading indicator of trouble for your relationship. That’s a keen ear you have there, friend. That pussy is like a crystal ball; if you put on one of those hats and rub it around the right way, it will tell you the future.

Malfeasance is always the first question read off the Paranoid Gentleman’s Mental Checklist. She was fucking me, now she’s not fucking me. She’s gotta be fucking somebody else! To that I would say, Settle down, Sherlock.

I went from loading trucks at UPS on a twilight sort to working as an accountant in the span of a weekend, and it was a bigger change than I expected. The biggest change of all, despite trading cardboard boxes for commercial paper reports, was the total disappearance of down time.

Instead of intermittent morning classes and missing my girlfriend during the afternoons, I was at work for nine hours and then spent ALL NIGHT WITH MY GIRLFRIEND. And I gotta be honest, it pissed me off a little bit, and I wasn’t even sure at the time that I realized it. Instead of chilling with a book or getting that 75-minute nap I enjoyed each day, I had to put on my boyfriend face and be entertaining.

That blows.

So yeah, your girl might be going through some of that. It sounds like she’s only been on the day shift for a month. Continue being attentive to her needs and give her a little space. But not so much that some other dude’s wang could just come flying in there.

Oh, as for that girlfriend who annoyed me by wanted to be around me and stuff, we got married two years later. Don’t worry, she barely ever read With Leather.

Football:

I am the commissioner of our league and I typically start setting the league up in July, sending out the invites, letting people know the when the fees are due, setting the rules, etc.

I love this. Even when people say it’s too early, it’s just early enough. I had a rules meeting for one of my fantasy leagues two weeks ago. Nothing says “fantasy football” like 12 college-educated people screaming over each other about whether sacks should be worth one point or two points.

My problem right now is, this lockout situation does not look like it will be ending anytime soon, and definitely not by July. Should I still start setting up the league, even with the real threat the season will be starting late?

Thanks
Commissioner Procrastinator

My knee-jerk reaction is to go forward with your league as planned, but then people tend to bitch during summer drafts because the preseason is still going on (or isn’t, in this case) and the top 200 cheat sheets aren’t out yet and Oooh what if my first-round draft pick gets hurt? and all of that.

I know a couple people in the NFL offices and they’re proceeding under the pretense of business as usual, and I don’t know of a better way to proceed. The turnaround from deal-done to kickoff could be as little as a week or two, and getting a dozen dudes with other obligations together in that span of time is a headache you don’t want.

One suggestion would be to drag the draft out longer than your league normally would; email drafts and email auctions are great if your owners sit in front of computers all day. You could offer insurance; an owner whose star player gets hurt could replace him with enhanced waiver priority.

Ultimately, you’re doing all the work, so you do what works for you and assuage the whiners in the order they are received. And if anyone doesn’t like it, you have that much more time to bring in someone new.

~~~o ~~~o ~o ~~~o~~~o ~~~o ~o ~~~o

Howdy,

The girl I’ve been seeing for the past 4 months or so is pretty great in every way. However, she has difficulty getting off.

…I got nuthin’.

In fact, she’d NEVER had an orgasm until she was 30 (she’s 33 now), and she’s NEVER had an orgasm while someone else has been in the room (me included).

Lemme guess…washing machine?

So far, she’s only had an orgasm when she’s alone, using her vibrator.

Oh, of course.

She’s tried using the vibrator on herself while I’m with her (SEXY!), but she can’t quite get there–she says because she can’t totally relax and let herself go.

I just have this vision of you in a lab coat and a clipboard behind a pane of glass while your girlfriend mutilates her nether-regions with somebody else’s back massager. She has like all of those suction-cup thingies on her with wires leading to this machine with an EKG readout. And then afterward this disappointed doctor comes in and tries to sugarcoat the whole non-orgasm thing.

“I’m sorry, but the climax results came back negative. We’ve run every single test we can think of. In all me 29 years of medicine, that’s the most belligerent pussy I’ve ever seen.”

Not that any of this is funny.

I don’t have a problem with any of this.

Liar.

Whoops, did I type that?

In the past, I would generally make sure the woman I was with came first, because that would take the pressure off to take care of her after I’d made my O-face.

That’s also good policy for repeat business.

Anyway, the only reasons why any of this is an issue is because: (1) she refers to it as her “problem”, which kind of makes it one even if I don’t think of it as such;

A fine point.

and (2) it’s sometimes difficult to walk the fine line between not worrying about this, but also not ignoring it completely. For example, I’ll occasionally say “hey, is tonight a night where you want to break out your little friend?”, but sometimes she’ll take this to mean “I really want you to deal with this fucking problem” instead of “I’m a dutiful and supportive boyfriend and I’m interested in your pleasure.”

“And I want you to come like the ravenous woman I–” yeah that’s not gonna work.

Anyway, I think I’m doing all the right things (being supportive and open-minded, without obsessing about things), but any advice from you or the Kommentariat is welcome.

P.S. We’re in a long distance relationship. Should I have mentioned that? I keed, I keed…

Oh, Mike. You’re such a kidder. And a good sport, really. Not many guys can say, “Hey, I can’t get my girlfriend off. Help.”

This may not be helpful at all, but I’m reminded of how they treat people that have fear of spiders. They show the phobic party a picture of a spider, then they put a rubber spider on their arm, and then they cap off the treatment with a real, live spider. I don’t know if you want to do this with your penis or not, but just realize that there’s some scientific backing in that process. Just don’t drop a plastic dick on her arm and say, “Well, PUNTE told me to do it.” Though, technically, that would be true.

Then again, this could be the symptom of a deeper issue. Or not. I would keep tabs of the situation without bringing it back up for a while. I think getting the other person off is a big part of intimacy, which is a big part of a relationship, but your shows of concern aren’t bringing about the desired effect. If she still likes it and you’re still getting it and that works for both of you, I wouldn’t be terribly concerned.

If you really want to be helpful, do the dishes or vacuum or something. Chicks dig housekeeping.

~~~o ~~~o ~o ~~~o~~~o ~~~o ~o ~~~o

Dear Fantasy “Experts”,

FF First: Of course there is plenty of time to decide what keepers to keep, but I’m anxious to make one over the fact that there is little to look forward to NFL-wise until the butt-pirate owners and the NFLPA execs get their act together.

Because otherwise we’d totally be playing football on Memorial Day weekend!

anyway, my keeper league allows 3 keepers. Keeper has draft day implications as you lose the corresponding pick he was taken in the previous draft, unless waiver wire (WW) claim where he takes your last pick.

Wow…whoever has Peyton Hillis in your league must be dancing a jig.

Last season, my strategy was to keep WW guys who I knew would get drafted and open up more early picks for myself. I kept LDT (WW), Pierre Thomas (WW in 09), and Antonio Gates (6th). Gates is still a solid choice even if he drove me nuts last season with his injury woes. I don’t hold a grudge as I won the league due to waiver claims Danny Amendola (KR/PR yds count), LeGarrette Blount, KC and Dallas D. Crazy right?

Uhhh…

So my other choices are Jamaal Charles (5th), Matt Forte (8th), Reggie Wayne (1st), Wes Welker (3rd), Eli Manning (4th), or Matt Ryan (7th). Also, 6 pt Passing TD, non-PPR. Welker and Wayne seem overvalued, but Charles and Forte seem way undervalued to me. Ryan with the addition of Julio Jones could be a great investment too. So my first question is do I go with the guys I see as undervalued or do I stick to the same waiver wire keeper strategy? Second question, who do you recommend?

I fell off the truck somewhere around Danny Amendola. Why don’t I just do your taxes for you next year? That’d be easier.

Sex: I’m married with small children so sex is few and far between.

YOU MARRIED SMALL CHILDREN?!?! YOU POLYGAMIST SICKASS! I OUGHTA oh, with small children! I totally missed that.

Her sexual drive has been down since we started having kids (she used to wear me out). Our 8 month old still sleeps in our bed nursing half the night.

That’s disgusting. No, really. I’m fundamentally opposed to the family bed idea, but I’ll let you finish before I climb onto the soapbox.

Recently, when we get both kids in their own beds and I do get a green light there is plenty of oral and it is usually hot but quick sex. So I’m happy with what I am getting right now, but we’ve been much more adventurous in the past and I’m interested to get back to that. How should I get that train rolling again when she has little desire anyway?

Full disclosure: I don’t have kids, and I try really hard to not make it my business to raise anyone else’s. But that door swings both ways: I don’t tell anyone what a shitty parent she is, and I don’t listen to her whine about my language in front of her impressionable little shit. YOUR CHILD WILL LEARN THESE FUCKING WORDS EVENTUALLY, YOU POOR EXCUSE FOR A MOTHER!

With that said, I’m saying with confidence that your little one is fucking up your sex life, and if you don’t stop that shit in its tracks, you may never get your dick wet again. But you can’t just run up to your wife and plainly lay out your perfectly-legitimate complaint. You’ll get shot down. If she won’t even compromise with keeping the baby’s crib in your bedroom, then my advice is to play off the paranoia of the mother. Here are some family bed facts:

Do your part to make sure the kid is tired before bed: play with him, take him outside, keep him away from sugar and sweets as soon as you get home. Feed him turkey, if you can do that to a baby. Hell if I know. But this will wear down your target and it also gives your wife a bit of a break from the baby. And them drop that little shit in the crib and watch him pass the fuck out. Offer to bottle feed in advance if there’s crying in the night. The critical juncture here is putting your wife’s mind at ease with the idea of the kid being out of arm’s reach.

I understand that you love your child, but gaaddammit, that little fucker has his own room for a reason.

And on another subject, with almost a week between encounters, is it advisable to introduce a new toy? She’s got a rabbit-dong combo and has enjoyed using it while I plow her brown eye a couple times. This is awesome, but she makes me use a condom and we all know how much those
suck.

Wait a minute, did you just say that she won’t let you raw-dog it in the pooper? Why did you marry this woman?

Also the rabbit-dong is bulky and difficult to maneuver. So I want to try a strap-on to double penetrate her, then she can just finger or use the rabbit part or another vibrator for her clitoris.

I was just about to suggest that.

I might just wait for her birthday in July, but then is that a good birthday gift? Hey, I got this to stick in your caboose? I don’t know. As long as she doesn’t think it’s for my caboose.

Up yours truly,
DP Champ

Sexy birthday gifts strike me as playing with fire. This might be a good week-before-birthday kind of thing. Something to the effect of “I know you’re birthday’s next week, but I just couldn’t wait to give you this.” And then next week, get her a nice seat cushion for her actual birthday. Sounds like she’s gonna need it.

Toot-toot!

~~~o ~~~o ~o ~~~o~~~o ~~~o ~o ~~~o

Substitute Sultan of Snooch,

This is my leader in the clubhouse for salacious salutations this week.

Fantasy: Each year I’m always on the fence about whether to draft my favorite team’s players (The Bears) or stay away from them like the plague. I find myself doubly pissed when they have a shit game and lose, but on the flip side, there are times when I’m almost rooting against them if they’re playing one of my fantasy players. Any advice on how to balance beating the shit out of my friends and also not being a douchebag who cares more about his fantasy team then real life results?

I’m a Bengals fan, so rooting against Cincinnati has not only become easy, but profitable. And I nearly made it a point to hate every prominent Bengals skill player over the last ten years, with the exception of Cedric Benson. He just seems like my kind of guy.

I’ve seen guys quit fantasy altogether because they couldn’t rationalize their respective ways out of your quandry, which is dumb to me. It’s not like you’re dodging gunfire from the Rwandan Armed Forces and you have to decide whether to run for the Zaire border or go back and find your family. It’s supposed to be fun. It’s not like you assholes are making the Super Bowl anyway.

Not-So-Sexy Sexy Time: I made the mistake of dating someone I work with who ended up being Satan incarnate.

Never shit where you eat. Unless a copy machine is involved. Then, it’s awesome.

Of course, her horns and pitchfork didn’t actually become visible until we were living together and she began sharing her lady garden with one of our married coworkers.

Wow.

The side of that coin that was our relationship got dealt with swiftly when I threw her out and made sure the psychological damage was medicated with a steady stream of good bourbon and college sluts, but the question now becomes what do I do when I see a.) her and b.) him.

That would depend on whether you work closely or have any sort of work responsibility interaction.

We luckily don’t work closely or have any sort of work responsibility interaction

I see.

but we’re going to bump into each other. Perhaps an even bigger question is what do I do with the photographic evidence of them being complete shitbags.

KissingSuzyKolber. At. Gmail. This isn’t rocket surgery.

Mail them to her parents? Email them to his wife? Work distribution list? The high road seems pretty unattainable in this case since my bloodlust for vengeance seems to only be surpassed by her lust for fresh penis.

Slutdater

Well, I’d advise against the work distribution, not only because the damage there could be severe and irrevocable, but because the chances of that being traced back to you are fairly high. I’m an advocate of “The best revenge is living well,” but that said, I’m just gonna drop this out here for your consideration.

~~~o ~~~o ~o ~~~o~~~o ~~~o ~o ~~~o

Football – I live in Australia. For the last 4 or 5 years I’ve played fantasy football on NFL.com or Yahoo. While it’s ok, it doesn’t have the same punch as being able to talk smack with a group of people you know. Also, as there’s no buy-in and no ramifications, about half of the comp is usually not setting rosters by week 4. Last season there wasn’t a single trade in my comp, which sucked. Being an aussie, I don’t know any more than 2 or 3 people who know anything about NFL, let alone important details like the difference between a manning face and a laser face. So what’s the best way in my situation to get some proper fantasy football action? Obviously I should spend some money somewhere – but where?

Any interest in joining me in a world-wide fantasy football league, with one owner from 12 different countries? Email me if you do. That would be crazy fun. If you’re not interested, then fuck you.

Sex – I’ve recently started dating a pretty awesome girl that I met at work. She’s quite athletic and was in the Australian swim team a few years ago. We do heaps of cool things together – but – she has big shoulders, no ass and a slightly iffy smell.

I think you’ve found my female doppelganger. Does she have a shaved head and a donkey porn fetish?

She thinks the sexual chemistry is great, on the other hand I’m becoming less sexually attracted every day. While I want to hang with her, I’m also checking out other chicks a lot more than normal and feel pretty shitty because of it. A few weeks ago she told me she was falling in love. Obviously I didn’t respond in the same way, and it hasn’t come up again.

However now she wants us to buy a dog together, she’s bought us primo tickets to a big rugby league game next week and she’s planning an overseas trip at the end of the year. I would love to do these things and couldn’t imagine a better person to do it with. No pressure, but how do I convert this into an awesome friendship rather than a romance?

What kind of dog?

~~~o ~~~o ~o ~~~o~~~o ~~~o ~o ~~~o

Douches,

However, at week 9 last year, he traded Vick straight up for $10 worth of Brett Favre brain goo. I have still yet been explained why this trade was agreed upon. This topic appears to be the Area 51 of our league. Yet, understandably, it still infuriates me. He needs to be punished though. I think that he should have to keep Favre this year for being such a dumbass. Thoughts?

I’m really not a fan of vetoing trades or “competitive balance” or anything like that, but the challenge is to keep the interest of the shitty owners that are out of the running by week 10. It’s hard to do that without either league-approved trades or paying out for end-of-the-season performance (best record for last 3-4 games, etc.). Alas, the one thing we can’t legislate out in fantasy is stupidity, and your league seems to have an abundance of it.

Here’s an email I got from a commissioner of one of my leagues, who wanted a take on a dubious trade in one of his other leagues:

I’m in one other NFL league at work this year. I’ve already told some of you about its bizarre rules (best example: home teams get an automatic +3 advantage, which has already given me one loss and one tie this season where I’d have had two wins and been undefeated). It’s a twelve team league on ESPN.

This morning one of the teams made the following trade:

Drew Brees, 5th ranked QB
Terrell Owens, 7th ranked WR
Percy Harvin, 25th ranked WR

for

Brett Favre, 29th ranked QB
Rashard Mendenhall, 10th ranked RB

My query to the group is whether this trade is significantly unfair or just marginally unfair. The latter team is 0-4-1 (again, thanks in part to that stupid +3 thing), but basically just traded away its three best players for Favre and Mendenhall.

One final note: typically we have votes on trades in this league. This trade did not have a vote — probably because the commissioner was the guy getting Brees, Owens, and Harvin.

Be thankful you’re not in that league.

Sex: My wife tells me that I have a tendency to talk in my sleep (especially after drinking). I have been blessed with a very explicit sexual dream-bank(?) as well. It’s only a matter of time before I’m getting a BJ from Tori Black in my subconscious. I know that one day I will say some other chick’s name in my sleep. It’s inevitable. How do I play this off without sounding like a cheater or sexual deviant?

Thanks!
–Freddy Rumsen

I doubt your wife would immediately disclose anything you said subconsciously to her; a woman’s play there would be to just tuck that name away and wait to see if it came up in wide-awake conversation. It’s good advice in general to not mention other women’s names in front of your wife, and it’s doubly so for anyone that might be blurting out nonsense in bed, awake or otherwise.

I’m not a fan of screaming out women’s names anyway. It’s not like there’s anyone else in the room. Usually.

~~~o ~~~o ~o ~~~o~~~o ~~~o ~o ~~~o

Hola amigos de futbol! (that’s 80% of the Spanish I know right there).

Press 1 to read this mailbag in English.

Football: how bad are the Seahawks going to suck this year? I am doing some late summer/fall planning and the answer is important. I won’t even bother to ask about WSU . . .

The cloudy quarterback picture doesn’t help anything. Pete Carroll seems content to push the oft-injured Matt Hasselbeck out the door before an able replacement presents himself. Charlie Whitehurst isn’t the answer, so they’ll be bringing in someone new. Someone who didn’t have a job last year, and is therefore shitty. They won’t skate past the Rams again in the West. If you put a gun to my head, I’d say six wins would be realistic for them.

Sex: Me and my dirty little angel (aka my wife of five years) have mutually decided that now is probably the right time for us to make a baby or two. The problem, and one I should probably ask an actual doctor about but instead will go to KSK with: When me and the Mrs. are getting after it it is not uncommon for me to finish first.

You don’t say.

To my question: If the goal is to get her pregnant, do we need to stop sex after I ejaculate? I am no engineer but even with a layman’s understanding of fluid mechanics it seems like continuing on after I am spent might be defeating the purpose. A purpose anyway.

–Buhnerful

I really don’t have the medical expertise to give a real answer for you, so here’s a video of a turtle fucking a shoe.

Instead of blacklisting certain questions, here are a few topics I would like questions on: early relationship dating, mid-relationship dating (like the Hey we’ve been together for a year but what the hell do we do now? variety) and anything interracial. Do not let me down on the interracial, people. Email either kissingSuzyKolber-at-gmail or MondayMorningPunter-at-gmail. The f*ck doctor is in.

Sometimes we fall in love with the dumbest people. A lot of them happen to be in law school. Some of them don’t even own cars, which surprises me. Some of them make more money than us. Some of them are just wastes of life with no redeemable value, and yet we tolerate their horrible attempts to love us. And don’t even get me started on Anquan Boldin.

Yep, it’s time for another sexbag. Ufford is sitting this one out, so come on up onto Uncle PUNTE’s lap and tell him what you want for Christmas. As long as it isn’t Dwayne Bowe, you should be good. And sincerest apologies for getting this up (hee hee) behind schedule. I tried to get in as many submissions as I could.

Let’s delve.

Ufford is out this week, which means that you can forget about getting lectured on email length, or receiving any credible relationship advice. Ever notice that most of the people looking for advice aren’t really bad at something, but rather they’re just too afraid to try? Trying and failing is a big part of life, and it is an even bigger part of getting laid. The journey to a lady’s promised land begins with a single step. Unless you’re in a whorehouse in Thailand, and then it just begins with a single. And now, your emails, where I blow up on the first douchebag and do my best to exude benevolence upon all those who follow.

Gents,

I have recently started dating a girl and am noticing something that’s a bit worrying.

She has a penis? Sorry, I’m still getting warmed up…

When she gives me a blowjob, it’s like, i’m numb and don’t really process the feeling or something. It almost seems she’s using too much saliva or something and not enough friction? I don’t really know, but I’ve gotten blowjobs before (as recently as a week ago from a diff chick), and they feel more enjoyable. Hers just feels like a warm wet cloth and it makes me limp out. I’m trying to get an idea what to tell her to differently, before I try to tell her to do it, so I don’t make her worry she sucks at bj’s. I thought about getting her a book on giving bj’s, but well, our 3rd date isn’t until Sunday, and that might be too fast for that sort of thing. Any thoughts?

Well, let’s recap. You’re complaining about this girl, with whom you’ve been all of two (2) dates. She apparently has so little to offer you that she has resorted to oral on the second date in order to win your affection. And she’s not doing it the way that pleases you.

And you know that it’s not your fault, because some “diff chick” played a couple slides on the pink trombone last week and you thought that went pretty well. And now you’re asking us for advice on how to coach this original person on how she can deliver in a way that you find more satisfactory. And you’re considering buying for her, a girl that you’ve probably not even bought so much as a cheese steak sandwich, a book on how she can better meet your fellatio needs? And you’d like to know our thoughts?

My thought is that you should fall into an open sewer and choke on America’s shit.

I am enjoying the Tebow articles. Seriously, i can’t wait for his future scandal to break. What do you think? Is he a homo? (i think so)

If he is, maybe he could give you decent head. Fucking asshole…

——-

Hiya,

We’ll start with Fantasy Football. This isn’t a player question, but just a general fantasy football query.

Works for me.

I play in a 12 team, H2H points league. We’re all extremely competitive, and it’s a ton of fun. Last year, I finished the season 6-11, but first in the league in points, by a wide margin. How is that possible, you may ask? Simply put, for the first eight weeks of the season, every team I faced had a career week. I’d lose 148-140, and then the team that beat me would put up 90-100 point weeks after that. Never have I felt so unlucky in fantasy football.

It happens to lots of guys.

So, my question is, why do leagues continue to use H2H matchups? I had a solid roster (AP, Welker, Rivers, Favre at flex), and would have killed in the playoffs (we mirror our playoffs with the NFL playoffs; there’s a whole re-draft process that isn’t worth getting into). But because of those “career weeks” I faced, I had no chance. What’s your preferred league setup?

Head-to-head is the only way to do fantasy football, and unless you’re starting up another boy band, don’t ever use “H2H” ever again. Just looking at it makes me feel gay. In the bad way. This will happen a lot when you’re in a 12-team league, because the talent is more evenly distributed, which means more of your games will be left in the hands of variance. Put me on the record as being anti-12-team. Their outcomes are totally arbitrary. Next year it’ll be some other whiny bastard in your league getting everyone else’s best shot. Now is a good time to prepare funny, demeaning things to say to that person. Consider your current strife to be your inspiration.

On to sex. Not really a question, just some general advice. My girlfriend and I love sex; I mean love having sex. For me, I find it difficult to…ahem…”finish” with a condom. I don’t complain, I don’t bitch. But after two weeks, I finally said something to my girlfriend, and she and I have been able to work out alternate arrangements. She won’t budge on the condom issue (and I haven’t pressured her to do so, because that’s a dick move). But, after sex, she pops it off and goes to town. The point of this is that I see so many questions in the mailbag that could easily be solved if both people just talk about the problem. Why is this so hard?

Here’s one opinion. It’s hard because we want sex to be perfect. We want it to be great every time. We want to look great and smell great and the other person to not complain about the handcuffs digging into her wrists. Sex has long been purported as a leading indicator in the health of a relationship, and rightfully so. When the sex starts to dry up, the relationship tends to follow suit. When you’re laying on top of your partner in a fit of sweaty, naked coitus, your shaky trust and communication issues have nowhere to hide.

Thanks!

Sure, man.

——

Dear Masters of Telling people to nut up or shut up,

You may remember me as the lucky bastard who had a Domincan beauty way out of his league interested in him only to be foiled by the language barrier and the fear of the older gentleman who lives in her apartment.

Let’s say that we do [second item]…

I learned how to ask who he was, he is her uncle. Things aren’t too shabby, she thinks I am cute, she thinks its cute I am learning Spanish just so I can talk to her, She likes my cooking and she tolerates my ganja smoking which she partakes from time to time. Oh and she calls me Papi in bed which is just like goddam catnip. We hang out pretty frequently, I might even go so far as to say we are dating. My Spanish still blows but between my learning Spanish and teaching her English we can communicate using broken sentences and lots of gesturing.

Hey, prick? I’m not hearing a problem in any of this.

Anyways, I figured I should have a question and here was all I came up with. I found out the other day when I went next door to see if she was home that she wears glasses. I love glasses, I think they are one of the sexiest things a woman can wear.

I know what you mean. I used to be an optometrist’s assistant before I got fired for masturbating to a Luxottica poster.

She thinks they are ugly, and whenever I try to tell her I like them, she thinks I am making fun of her and/or her specs. Any advice? Also feel free to use this question as an opportunity to publicly make fun of me for trying to gild the lily.

Your quest for unnecessary adornments aside, it’s my experience that you can’t force a mindset onto a woman. About anything. If she thinks XYZ makes her look fat/ugly/unable to be taken seriously at the office, then perception is reality. And yet we let these people vote! That’s a joke, ladies. You know that we’re crazy too, only for much more time-honored and awesome reasons.

Anyway, your best play here is to make one more solid push and then drop it. Plan a dinner date and suggest that she wear her glasses there. It would help if the menus at the restaurant had very small type (and, from the sound of things, in Spanish) Give yourself a forum to express yourself that she’ll take as being sincere. Even if that push fails, you might get a comment six weeks later to the effect of, “Do you really think these look good on me?” Plant the seed, brutha. Plant the seed.

——

Dearest Pussy Pundits,

Hey, don’t forget Kogod! Sorry, Maj. That’s just a little pussy pundit humor.

Sex:. I’m 30 years old, had my ass handed to me by my only serious girlfriend about three years ago after she declined my marriage proposal SIX YEARS into the relationship.

WOW. Six years and she shot you down?! I’ve never heard of that before.

We tried to remain friends because of an unusually large circle of

Hang on a second. You. Dated her. For six years. You proposed. And she…she said no? That’s unreal. And brutal. Brutal and unreal. I honestly don’t know how I would react to that. It would probably involve a chainsaw and a few dead convenience store workers, though. Anyway, sorry to interrupt.

We tried to remain friends because of an unusually large circle of tight friends, but ultimately I gave up on that about six months ago. Dating was not agreeing with me for the past three years since the split.

Seriously, that is horrible. I feel terrible for you. See? I can be nice!

About a month ago, I met a beautiful young woman age 26, two kids from a previous marriage that ended last year. We’ve been dating for rather casually since then, the sex is great, we enjoy being around each other, we have mutual friends, interests, etc. etc. I haven’t met her kids yet, and she’s been pretty keen on moving slowly on that front, which is fine by me, however…

/puts on Hurt Locker bomb squad outfit

During the past month I was away on business when I met another friend of a friend who I got along famously with. She’s 25, doesn’t have kids, is adorable but slightly less attractive, and has my identical sense of humor. I’m sure you can tell where this is going.

Sorry, I’m still putting on my bomb suit. I hate breaking in new pants.

Both potential relationships could be fatally flawed (long distance, maybe not ready to be the father of someone else’s kids), I’m just not sure which one to pursue. When I returned home, I figured I would just casually go with the flow assuming an answer would present itself. Instead it’s just gotten cloudier.. I see the potential for something meaningful with both women, but I also see a recipe for disaster…

Difficult to see. Always in motion is the future…

So do I press to move things forward faster with the one in town, or try and make the long distance thing work with someone I may be better matched with?

Let me start by saying something that’s not at all helpful.

I’m sure that both of these women are wonderful people, but I personally hate both of these types of relationships for different reasons. When a guy dates a woman that already has kids, that guy has to realize up front that he’s never going to be the most important person in that woman’s life. And I can’t fault that mindset at all. If I had kids and I was dating, I’m pretty sure my type would be another weekly paycheck wearing red pumps. You’ve probably figured out a lot of this already. Like I said: not helpful.

And somehow, long distance might even be worse, because you share even less with that person. Most of it is phone calls and IMs and the occasional happy-faced rendezvous in alternating cities. That’s nice, but that’s not a relationship. If you’re looking to build something meaningful with someone, stick with the person in your own backyard. You know, the one you’re already having sex with.

By the way, how stretched out is it? I’ve always wondered.

Football: Doesn’t it seem like every couple of years there’s a team that makes a lot of flashy off season moves, gets predicted to make the super bowl and then subsequently shits the bed? Are the Jets the new Redskins?

Eric Mangini had a lot of success in his first year as Jets coach. After winning the division in 2006, he stood pat in the offseason and went 4-12 the following year. Most of the Jets’ moves this offseason have been relatively sound, and indicate that they won’t be resting on their laurels this fall, and they need to stay busy if they want to keep selling those PSLs and season tickets. But I see your point. Cutting Alan Faneca when he’s owed $5 million in guaranteed money this year seems a little nuts.

——–

No time to make up a bullshit header.

No time to reply to your jizz-swallowing email. Ah, I’m just kidding.

Football first.
For the past 4 years I have ran a fantasy football league that consists of my friends

Actually, I wasn’t kidding. Fuck you.

——-
Ladies First: I am 23 years old and just graduated college last year and moved to Chicago.

Very cool. I’m going to be in Chicago in three weeks. Can I sleep on your couch that Friday?

Needless to say, the dating scene is a little different in the real world. I have never dated an older woman but recently met a 27 year old yoga instructor that I think is into me and the vice versa.

Yoga instructor? Excuse me for just a second.

/unzips pants

She has a great personality

/zips pants back up

and better physical features.

/waits
//keeps pants zipped up

We’ve gone out for dinner twice. I kissed her following the second dinner. Having never been with a woman 4 years my senior, let alone one, I have no idea what to expect psychologically from her. Any big differences I should be considering? Seeing as how its been two dinners and I have yet to make a serious advance sexually, where do I stand now and any tips on fixing this? I need work on making moves, particularly while sober.

You just touched on a good point there. It’s better to be sober and nervous than to be drunk and charming. Because drunk really isn’t charming in real life as it is in college. I’ve been out of college for a while, and I still occasionally act in defiance of this principle. But that’s really how it is.

So number one is don’t get drunk. Number two? Well, I need more info. Are you going back to her place and just watching TV? She’s going back to yours? This should be happening after two dinners. One person sits on the couch while the other person (the host) pours a couple drinks (this is why you shouldn’t be drunk). You take the drink. You make a nice toast (“To yoga!” or some shit). You take a drink. You smile. You say, “I just love being around you.” And then as you move in for a gentle kiss, hold your index and middle fingers together on your free hand and jam them into her pussy as fast as you can.

It helps if your apartment is clean.

On a related note, I am struggling to find mutually enjoyable things we can do together besides eat. Movies are a little cliche, and I don’t think there is a ton of crossover with interests besides exercise in general. She has mentioned biking and I’d like that but I was wondering if you could help me with some ideas for fairly original/inexpensive things to do with a 27 year old girl.

I have a lot of ideas. Unfortunately, none of them involve living in Chicago. Okay, being helpful here…you’re new to the city. You should ask her to show you the sights. It’s getting warmer outside–go to a park. Ask for a “private yoga lesson.” Actually, don’t. She’s probably heard that 100 times.

Onto Business: I am the commissioner for a league of long time high school friends. We are going on 7 years now and currently have 11 remaining original members.

Color me impressed.

One guy dropped (read: forced) out in season 3 due to lack of participation. The last couple of years we have tried to find some subs and its gone less than stellar. Last year in particular we had a friend of a friend join. He didn’t show up for the draft, made a few picks via phone, didn’t pay, and went 0-13. So this year, I’ve asked the original 12thmember if he would come back. He agreed, so we have the whole crew back.

Oooh, I smell trouble brewing! Wait, that’s just me.

However, I gave a league member the go ahead awhile back to ask one of our mutual friends if he wanted to join. I know this kid personally so I knew he wouldn’t be a bust like the guy last year. After awhile I hadn’t heard back so I asked the original member, only to hear a few days later mutual friend said yes and is esctatic. How do I handle this tactfully? Keep season 3 member or mutual friend?

Well, you’ve already made your decision. I don’t know how long ago “awhile back” is, but it sounds like your acquaintance is just a few days too late. This is what happens when you miscommunicate (which should and does include “not communicating in a timely fashion”). This is a good reason to have one guy handle filling vacancies in your league.

That said, do you have any hope of bringing in a 14th guy? It would make your league a lot less gay.

Also, the quality of our league posts has been dogshit for a few years now. How do I bring back the fun in posting? I liked the idea of AB a few weeks ago about having the lowest score each week having to recap (in Sex Machines and Seahawks) but that could become problematic because those who get the lowest scores are typically the most apathetic. Any thoughts are greatly appreciated.

I don’t see the point in forcing the worst player in your league to do the recap. That guy sucks. Why would I want to read his takes on fantasy? Doing the blog post should be a reward, and an opportunity to call out all of the dipshits that stood in his way. Fantasy football league posts should be shit-talking, a couple stats, maybe a picture of a panda, and that’s it. And those posts should be fronted by someone that gives a rat’s ass, with all league members contributing in some way.

But seriously, how comfortable is your couch?

——

Sex… erm, well, not exactly. About 6 months ago, my 6-year relationship with my college girlfriend ended in fiery wreckage (I’ll skip the details, though they’d be great for another mailbag entry).

Not to make light, but I wish I had a joke for “fiery wreckage,” but it’s too close to lunchtime. Anyway…

The breakup has been tough, but I’ve been trying to move on and get back on the horse. Over the past couple months I’ve gone on a couple dates (thanks, internet dating!) but nothing of substance… until now. I’ve met a cute girl who’s definitely interested in me – we’ve gone on dates the past two weekends, including watching a movie at her place last weekend, and she’s made it very clear that she wants to see me again (we’re doing dinner and a movie tomorrow), even though we’ve not had even the remotest romantic/physical interaction.

Patient broad you got there…

I share many of [Ufford's] thoughts about gentlemanly courtship – my basic approach toward women and dating is to be genuinely friendly, interested, conversational/engaged, affable, etc. I think this approach helps me get women’s interest, such as in the current case, and I enjoy their company. However, I don’t know how to parlay it into a romantic encounter. It’s not helping that my skills in this area are so damn rusty, nor that I’ve always been a serial monogamist and not a ladies’ man.

“I’m so terrible at seducing women, because it’s been so long since I never tried!”

I’m not saying that I want to start having one night stands, but a makeout session and trying to steal second (head first… like Pete Rose), laying the foundation for more in the future, would be nice. For instance, I can’t help but get the feeling that having me over last weekend as a not-so-subtle invitation for some sexy-time, which I completely squandered – we had a great time and she wants to see me again, but all we did was talk and watch the movie.

You really need to learn how to take the next step while still being a fun and sociable date.

So, I guess my question is: How I can take the next step while still being a fun, sociable date, especially if she wants me to initiate (which I think she does)? I know this should be easier than I’m making it.

This is what I like to do. I like to get dinner, and then tell her that we have tickets to some event. Only…you don’t. So after dinner, you go, “Oh, crap, I left an item pertinent to this event in my apartment.” So you both go to your apartment. Since you have no clue how this works, I’ll continue.

You both walk in and you offer her a drink. She sits on the couch. You pour. She takes the drink. You make a nice toast (“To yoga!” maybe). You take a drink. She takes a drink. You smile. You say, “You’re just so much fun to be with.” And then as you move in for a liplock, reach behind her head with her free hand and yank the shit out of her hair while screaming “GIMME THE FUCKING LAUNCH CODES NOW!”

It helps if your apartment is clean.

Football: I don’t play FF, but I am a Bills fan. I don’t really have a question, but I can’t help but feel that all the hate for Marshawn Lynch/BEEF MOE from the fans has a slight racist tinge. Thanks for running out of town a star athlete and the only player on the team who was lovably insane, rednecks.

“He totally would have stayed here if it wasn’t for all of those mean things you guys said!” You just know that Marshawn was dying to run through a brick wall for…

/checks Wikipedia

…Chan Gailey.

——

Rather than indulge every reader with a fantasy football question and a sex question from the same reader, we’ll spread the wealth and answer the better of the two from those who made the dubious walk to the Fountain of Knowledge and Ridicule. We’re mixing it up “just because;” don’t get used to it. Feel free to complain about the new format in the comments. As if such an invitation was necessary.

Here we go.

KSK,

Started dating a girl a couple of months ago when I knew that both of us would be leaving town. I meant it as an end of the summer thing, she thought it was the beginning of a serious relationship. She moved a few hours away two weeks ago and I told her that I was not willing to do long distance.

Commendable. LDRs are really just half of a relationship. I always get pissed off when people tell me that they’ve dated for three years, but that they were in other cities for more than half of that. THAT ISN’T DATING. You can play chess on a postcard that way, but relationships involve routine interaction that are almost always dependent upon living in the same city. Anyway…

On the way to an interview, I visited for the weekend and didn’t leave the apartment except for food, liquor, or condoms. Also got the beginnings of anal for the first time (for both of us). She has expressed the desire to have me put it in her butt again (which I would quite like). I will be passing through her area again in another couple of weeks.

Passing through WHICH area? Sorry. It’s been a long day.

Is it a.Wrong to sleep with a girl that would like more than I am willing to give in terms of a relationship?

I think as long as you’ve been clear about your intentions (or lack thereof) and she seems agreeable to those conditions, you’re free to pass through any area you please. Just be sure that you’re not inviting the crazy that will come along with this girl by getting her hopes up.

b. [Is it] Worth inviting the crazy that will come along with this girl by getting her hopes up(she is already starting down that road)?

Aw, shit.

Should I stay with her again on my way through her town (it’ll definitely be the last time for months, likely ever)? If it’s worth anything to you, she has the biggest tits I’ve ever been with and is down for anything in the sack. –”Matt”

Why would big tits be worth anything TO ME? I’m not the one passing through her area. Anyway, if you’re looking for a KSK-sanctioned blessing to eat and run, I’m sorry to disappoint (Not really, because you’re a dick for leading her on, but you already knew that).

Dear (unnecessary adjective) (unfunny nickname)s of (poon/dick joke),

Great effort there, dickbag.

Fantasy: Breesus Christ is on bye. Who do I start in his place: McNasty coming off a rib injury and possibly not being 100% against the shitacular Bucs, Shaun Hill vs. the Dirty Birds, or, God forbid, Horsie Balls against Buffalo’s defense, who seemingly has nobody left healthy in the secondary (4 pts/TD, 1 pt/25 yds)? And another quickie: Jacobs vs. Oakland or Slaton @ Arizona (PPR scoring, 1 pt/10 yds, 6 pts/TD).

–Marmalard’s Asking Me

I have to go with Hill, if only because he’s the guy who’s been playing regularly. Anderson and McNabb are not guys you want to count on coming off the bench, especially at quarterback, where fantasy points at that position are essential. And I like Jacobs against Oakland for your RB matchup, as I expect the Giants to lean on BJ with Eli hurt, and most likely lead in the second half.

Hey Bros,
Sex: A friend and I were recently reading a love advice column a bit like this one and a male reader sent in a concern regarding the anal bargaining process.

The Anal Bargaining Process is slated as a midsummer replacement reality show on FOX.

In order to get his wife to open her poop gates, she demanded an act just as despicable from him in retribution: he would first have to eat his own cum.

WOW.

The girl I was with thought this was absolutely disgusting and also a lopsided deal. I agreed, but who knows what kind of appetite I’d have when drunk. The advice giver advised the man to nut up and eat his own cum, so what do y’all think, deal? or no deal?

Your girl was right, that WAS a lopsided deal. BUT, it’s a deal that would (hopefully) pay itself off over time. Whereas the gentleman was only subjected to ONE instance of self-tasting, he would enjoy the corn-holed fruits of his labor for as long as he was in that relationship.

Everybody’s got a price; it just depends on how badly you want to stick it in her ass. That said, I can’t believe that a woman would have any respect for a guy after watching him swallow his own load.

Fantasy Football
1. pick three from these four wrs: OchoCinco vs. Bal, Hines vs. Det, Marshall vs. NE, or TO vs Cle.
2. My running back corps consists of Mojo, Thomas Jones, Gore, and Beanie in a small (8 team) league. Should I panic? –”Bootsie”

Hines Hines Hines! Detroit hasn’t stopped the pass against anyone all year. I also like Marshall and TO, in that order. Very favorable matchups. And don’t panic about your running backs, but since we’re immersed in the bye period of the schedule, you should definitely be shopping TO and Ocho to see what you can find. And the only reason I called you Bootsie was because you didn’t give me your own fake name to use.

What’s up Prophets of Penis Prose (Did I do it right?)–

Yup.

Alright, so I dated this girl for about three months starting from the end of last semester, over the summer, and we broke up late July. This part won’t be my question, but (I think) it’s such a great story that I should share it.

Sigh. Continue.

The reason she wanted “a break” (that’s what she called it) was because she “wanted the ability to see her friends that she usually sees over the summer,” but we were going to try and talk again before her birthday. She lives about an hour away, so I was fine with that, whatever. Her birthday’s in the middle of August, and I bought her tickets for the Tigers-Red Sox game…Nothing happened besides talking, although we slept in the same bed, and I left in the morning and I was fine.

The next week, her actual birthday, I decide to drive down and surprise her. She had a party with her friends the day before that I didn’t know about, and when I got to her house, she was surprised, but in a bad way. She wouldn’t let me in the house. I said, “Fine, just come outside and we’ll talk.” We’re talking and then she very casually brings up how there’s another guy in the house, and she’s been seeing him on our break, and I realize they were probably fucking while I was driving there to surprise her…Some background about this fucker she’s dating now: he does hard drugs and graduated high school at 20. He works at the restaurant with her.

Drugs?

Alright, here’s my actual question. While we were dating, I acquired a decent set of pictures. Good pictures.

Acquired? Or stole?

I’ve been weighing whether or not I should delete them or not. No one knows they’re on my computer besides me, and she probably thinks I deleted them. I don’t talk to her anymore, and I don’t plan on posting them or anything (sorry) but should I just go ahead and delete them? Some part of me wants to keep them (probably for a spank bank) but is that fucked up?

“Rusty”

Honestly, I don’t see the fuss in you keeping them. You’re trying to justify this with yourself by telling us this pathetic story of you taking her to a game and then finding out that, ZOMG, she was banging another dude. Relax. Take the knife away from your own throat. The only issue with the “spank bank” is that an ideal gallery would include images of women with whom you don’t (or didn’t) share any emotional connection.

Fantasy football conundrum:

I’m leaning towards going with Rice and Westbrook. But Rice is such a TD blank Hightower or Harrison could easily do better.

I like Hightower and Westbrook, mostly for the matchups, plus Westbrook can bring himself to play at a high level coming off the shelf. I don’t really know what kind of day Rice will have against a Bengals D that has been playing fairly well of late.

And for copulation conundrums…

I’ve written before, I was the 1 millionth anal question guy.

Your commemorative beads are in the mail.

Anyway the girl is great and I really do like her a lot. Thing is Im getting to meet more Americans here in Peru and it has me kinda longing for a nice easy to communicate relationship. Plus, most of these american broads are dying for an American guy. My spanish speaking goes well but sometimes it can be frustrating with the girlfriend. Although its gotten better. I guess I’m probably better off with the Spanish speaking cutie but is it wrong of me to just want to be lazy and have somebody that is easier to connect with?

And for the record I mean she is a really great person overall and I sometimes question how likely I’d be to find somebody as cool. Just that whole communication boundary can be a real bitch.

I don’t give a fuck how hard it is to communicate. FOREIGN WOMEN KICK ASS. Time to brush up on your Spanish. Trust me, there are plenty of lonely, English-speaking heifers waiting for you to come back to the States. WHEN IN ROME, FUCK THE ROMAN CHICKS!

Gents,

A guy in my league grew frustrated with Crabtree and dropped him right before he signed. My backup WRs are Nate Burleson, Patrick Crayton and Steve Breaston. Do you think it’s worth dropping one of those guys, who are reliable but by no means spectacular, and taking a chance on Crabtree? If so, which one should I drop?

Drop Crayton. I’ve had that fucker each of the last two years and he’s a perennial disappointment. At least Crabtree has upside.

Sex:

My girlfriend, who is coming into town today, recently said she’d be willing to let me enter through the backdoor. I’m a bit conflicted because, honestly, I don’t really care. I’m not averse to the idea so part of me thinks I should just go for it. But I’m 98% positive she doesn’t really want to do it (100% she never has) and it was just meant to be a gesture of goodwill, so I feel like it would be more respectful of her open-mindedness if I saved it for something that was actually important to me, sexual or otherwise. Thoughts? –”G”

Saved it? THAT SHIT DON’T ACCRUE INTEREST, YO. It’s an invitation to sodomize. It’s not a money market fund. But yeah, I don’t get the anal thing, either. It’s really an infatuation for the small-dicked. It never hurts to just keep that in mind for later. You know, for when you two live in the same city and are engaged in an actual relationship.

Sirs,

I just picked up Kenny Britt, what’re your thoughts on him?

I’ve shared my boner for Hines this week already. I also like Roddy and Percy. But not much.

Does anyone at KSK (or the commenting community) have any experience with women who’ve had laser hair removal on their ‘gines? My girlfriend’s considering. Here’s the thing, I was once with a whore (whore like “escort”), and it seemed like that’s what she had done…but it was weird. Just seemed off, noticeably different from shaved or waxed vaginas, and enough so that I’m not sure how I feel about it. Maybe it was weird just because she was a whore. Maybe because a lasered vag is weird? Any thoughts on this?

Bush.

Oy Gentlemen,
First with the sex: My girl and I have been together for almost two years now, and I’ll admit it anonymously over the internet that I’ve started thinking of possibly spending the rest of my life with her. She’s beyond my league lookswise, a great cook, and doesn’t hold back in bed, great right? I thought I was the luckiest man in the world until I ran into a little, um, roadblock recently.

Do tell.

Ok, last week me and my girl go out for a friend’s birthday, and as per usual, get wasted drunk. Anyways, we end up back at my place at the end of the night and try to knock out some drunk sex before sleep. Well, she’s going down on me and in bed I like to dominate so I usually like to shove my dick in as far in her mouth as I can to get her gagging (She’s into this, so it all works out.)

Healthy. And awesome.

Well, this particular night after a few minutes, I guess I got too aggressive and gagged her to the point where she vomited all over my crotch. Like, all over.

Wait, I thought you said she was “into it.”

I’m going to spare you the details of what that feels like, but rest assured there was a lot of disgusted screaming and apologizing going on. This has never happened before. I was repulsed. Ultimately we tried to just laugh it off and pretend that it never happened but since Operation Blowchunks, I haven’t been able to ‘get up’ for any kind of intimacy with her. I have no problem getting hard with my porn stash or while thinking about others, but I haven’t been able to do the deed with her. She’s terribly embarassed and I don’t make her feel bad about it. But the mental image of Butter Chicken n tequila spilled over my buddy down below is burned into my head. What can I do to get things back to the way they used to be? There’s got to be a way to eventually go over this right?

Dude, it’s just puke on your junk. What’s the big deal?

When Phil Knight, CEO of Nike, launched an ad campaign in 1988 encouraging aspiring basketball shoe owners to Just Do It, he very well could have been discussing man’s uncertainty with the opposite sex. Sexuality was a very inhibited thing, even just 21 years ago. Nowadays people are showcasing their goods everywhere, seemingly without restraint. But what does it all mean? That’s the question we try to slap with our junk in this week’s mailbag. img.

Punishers of Hangy Balls -

Football: I have the second pick in one of my drafts and cant for the life of me decide on a clear cut #2 pick after adrian peterson.  I am leaning towards Steve Fucking Slaton.  Am I a moron?

Yes.

Seems like all the rest of the high profile backs besides Mike Turner will be sharing carries.

Maurice Jones-Drew won’t be losing too many carries to Greg Jones; DeAngelo Williams will still produce, despite Jonathan Stewart’s rise to prominence. I like your thinking with Slaton, but you should always draft for value with the first half of your picks. If you really feel that way about Slaton, draft Turner or MJD and trade for whoever winds up with him after the draft, asking the other guy for Slaton and a little extra. I doubt he’ll fall into your lap on the way back, but there is that chance.

Sex: I sleep with this girl once in a while and I really like her (gay I know).

Technically, that’s the opposite of gay.

When we hang out she tells me how much she likes me but then i wont hear from her for a while (I try not to contact her and seem stalkerish).  I also know she “dates” a lot of guys in between the times I see her.  Should I man up and bury my feelings and just stop talking to her?  or should I roll the dice and tell her I like her?  or should I just be happy with sex once in a while and the high risk of STD’s?

Sincerely,

A fag in Dallas

I couldn’t have sex with someone that I knew was getting it on with other dudes at the same time. I really don’t get it. If you like her…and you might want to write this part down…TELL HER. If she says she’s not interested…still writing?…YOU LEAVE.

Sexbaggers,

I’m a 20 year old male who recently spent a summer working at a sandwich place, where I met a young lady of my age.

Jesus H, buddy. We don’t need your life’s story.

The woman in question is undeniably cute, if not exactly stunning. I would qualify her as an 8.

So she’s a 6? On a good day?

We hit it off pretty well, got along, though because she has a kid and a live-in boyfriend (not the father), I haven’t tried to get fresh with her.

Do you hear that? Those are alarm bells going off…

We do, though, become friendly. To the point where we went shopping together for my dorm this semester. That particular incident pissed off her (rich, fit, cohabitant) boyfriend something fierce, to the point where he came into the store to check up on her the next day, apparently to make sure I wasn’t mounting her on the prep table.

That would have been a fine play. You obviously can’t go back to her place…

The night before I left for school, I get a request from her to buy her alcohol. I am young looking enough to get carded and have a lack of connections, so I tell her I can’t.

Lame.

She tells me to offer a picture of her nipple rings to my older brother. I tell her that my brother won’t even do it for me, but that by all means she should send me the picture, colon-dash-letter p. She sends one, her breasts are very nice, and I figure she is just one of those “free spirit” types and write it off as such after telling her that I was just joking. The next day, we’re texting and she apologizes for sending the picture. I tell her (because I am a pussy) that it’s hard to be just a platonic friend and not a pathetic wanna-jump-your-bones kind of friend when I have a picture like that.

Pussy.

She then tells me I’m simply not that kind of person (wrong), and that I am, I quote, huggable, as well as the possessor of a silly, fun loving personality as well as being a good listener.

In other words, you’re a fat loser.  A fat loser that can’t provide for her kid WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL THERE SHE HAS A FUCKING CHILD! A CHILD, I SAY!

All of that, as we know, means she [does not] intend to have sex/a relationship with me ever, a position she’s strongly if wordlessly maintained since we met.

Does she have a boy or a girl? And if it’s a girl, is she over 18? At least over 14?

Later that night, I get a picture of her obviously taken just out of the shower. She then says she thought it was a good picture, but didn’t want to send the others she took because I didn’t like the one of her boobs. I tell her that I did like it, she sends me yet more nude pictures, and I am suitably pleased, but also highly confused.

She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid She has a kid

She and her boyfriend (also going to school) are moving up here soon, so it’s not like she’s going to be hours away and the most I can ever hope for is a weekly replenishment of the spank bank. So I guess my question is, is she just kind of slutty?

Yes. Like Hitler “kind of” didn’t like the Jews.

Is she interested in me? Both? Should I pursue this, or just stay away from the whole single-mother/living-with-a-boyfriend mess and try to find another woman goodly enough to send me nude pictures while I’m away at school?

You need a source for naked pictures. I’ll have to introduce you to my friend, Google Image Search. Best part of all? GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH HAS NO KIDS!

So far as fantasy, I generally tend to get either top three or bottom three draft spots. This year, however, in one of the leagues I’ve been in for a while, I’m 8 of 16. Who should I aim for with that spot? I am thinking somebody in the Chris Johnson/Steve Slaton mold, is that off? What about the second round? It’s .5 PPR, by the way.

I like the chances of either Brandon Jacobs and MJD falling your way, and then grabbling one of the Johnson receivers (Calvin or Andre) on the way back.  PPR is a big deal, especially when you can grab a guy that gets the bulk of looks from his team.

Dear Book Salesmen,

Football first. I am in a 12 team league in which you get two keepers from last season, thus the 24 top players are off the board before the first pick. I’ve had the luxury of having both Ladanian Tomlinson and Joseph Addai on my squad for several seasons. I raised them both from rookie pups, but now it appears my pups have been Vick’d. Is it time to release the hounds and replace them with new blood, or should I try to squeeze one more year out of either of their tired old legs? I have Matt Forte, Matt Ryan, and a few receivers such as Santonio Holmes & Anthony Gonzalez that I could replace them with. I think Forte is a solid top 10 pick and a lock to keep, but not sure about the rest. Who do you keep? Is LT still a top 24 pick?

He is not. Forte, as you’ve said, is entrenched in everyone’s top ten this summer. And no disrespect to Matt Ryan or Holmes, both of whom will have great seasons, but you shouldn’t be keeping anyone else.

I don’t know how your league works, but a lot of people are turned off by keeper leagues because of the first thing you mentioned—every year the top talent is unavailable to draft. The best keeper leagues utilize some sort of system that makes it more expensive for owners to keep the same players each season. The easiest way to do this is to slate each keeper as a draft choice one round higher than he was taken the previous year. For example, if I drafted Marion Barber in the third round last year, I would have to forfeit a second round pick this year to keep him, and a first round pick to do so next year. Food for thought.

Now sex. I’m fat. Not scrub myself with a rag on a stick fat, but a good 25 pounds overweight. People often assume that because I am fat, I like fat girls. This isn’t the case at all. Call it a fetish but I prefer women with nice bodies.

That’s not a fetish. And how dare you speak poorly of the rag on a stick.

I’d rather go without sex than mate with my own. I’ve done it a few times with big girls and I think I’d rather stir soup with my dick. Fortunately, I can occasionally charm my way into the pants of thin (and usually drunk) women. Thus, I prefer to take the quality over quantity approach in my sex life. The problem is, I’m in a rather long slump even by my standards. My friend’s wife wants to set me up with a plus sized friend that is pretty much a sure lay. Should I hop a train to hog heaven or just keep hoping that I hit the drunk chick lottery? Is it wrong for me to be opposed to dating large women?

– My Pants Say Husky

Men are easy targets for being accused of shallowness and viewing women as little more than objects. But women do it, too. But you’re asking for permission to be begging and choosing, so let’s get back on topic. There’s no shame in the occasional slumpbuster, provided that you have an exit strategy that doesn’t malign your friendship or make you persona non grata whenever his wife is home. The trains to hog heaven are vast and plentiful, but the trains outta there are few and far between.

Dear Clownsuit Afficianados,

Sex:

I’ll try and keep it short and sweet.

Spoiler Alert: He fails.

So I’ve had a thing for my best friend’s little sister for a while now (We’re both in our 20s you sick fucks).

Losing interest…

I’ve never acted on it, and we’ve never done anything more than harmless flirting.  But recently my feelings have grown stronger and the past couple times we’ve all hung out, the two of us have spent increasingly more time with one another.  I think she might share some feelings for me because she says things like how excited she is when she hears I’m coming to whatever event everyone will be at, and exclaims how much she “loves me” when I’m around.

I wish I had a Euro for every time we got an email that could be summed up with, “She really likes me! Do you think she likes me?”

The thing is she’s kind of a goof and we share a similar sense of humor so I don’t know how serious to take these comments.  Also we tend to drunk text one another, but it’s usually nothing sexual, more along the lines of a funny quote or a random movie reference.  I’ve never mentioned any of this stuff to him, but he has to have noticed how I hang out more with her than him when we’re all together.

I smell a three-way! No, wait, I just burned my microwave popcorn! Shit!

My question is what’s protocol for trying to date your best friend’s little sister?  Also, he is going away to a foreign country for an extended period of time for business in the near future.  Should I wait till he goes before making a move?  Should I even bother making a move?

Oh, this isn’t burned that bad. Just a little on the top of the bag. I think the rest of this is still good.

Because part of me thinks I might be in the friend zone because of how long we’ve known each other, but another part of me sees some of the classic signs a chick is into you when we hang out.

Do you know how microwave popcorn pops? Teflon! There’sTeflon in the fucking popcorn! I’m eating Teflon right now!

If there are no moral implications on the matter, how the hell do I propose to hang out with her one on one without her brother being present and without sounding like a creepshow?  Her brother could also squish me like a grape if he felt so inclined…something to consider.

Alright, your friend knows you fairly well, so he is going to decide whether or not you’re good enough for the sis, and just because he finds hanging out with you acceptable DOESN”T MEAN that he wants you in the family. But also realize that he might also be looking forward to this—he surely saw the signs before he said anything to you about it. That said, you don’t really seem interested in her as much as you seem opportunistic about getting into her pants, but it’s your rodeo, Cowboy. Either way, you’re a bag of dicks if you don’t discuss this with him. Today. Stay above board on this and things stand a better chance of working out in your favor.

Football:

Do you think the Giants should trade one of their excess D-lineman and a pick for Brandon Marshall?  There’s no mandatory 1 year sentence for beating your girlfriend in a NY nightclub right?

Wannabe Sister Fucker

Your friend is going to love that sig, Mr. “It’s nothing sexual.” Spare me.

If Osi getting hurt last year proves anything, it’s that you never know when you’ll call upon your bench to carry the day. The Giants had three Pro-Bowl defensive ends after they won Super Bowl XLII. As they began the following season, they had one. You should really try some of this popcorn.

Dear KSK:

Football: Even though I will be a senior in college, I still do a fantasy league with my high school friends.

Very awesome.

It turns out that one of our friends in the league lives literally next to James Brown of CBS’The NFL Today fame. Not only that, but our friend’s parents are supposedly friendly with him and his wife. So do you think he’d be willing to moderate our fantasy draft?

No.

Sex: my friends and I were talking about this the other day: Would you ever date a porn star?

Hell, no.

I mean on the one hand you’d have a really hot partner who would be willing to do just about anything sexually (you wouldn’t have to write KSK asking how to get anal). But on the other hand, when you two go out to make money during the day,…

I don’t know about this “going out” of which you speak.

…while you’d be doing whatever average desk job you have, she’d be out banging other dudes.  Thoughts?

ZK

Presuming that I could find a tall, busty brunette who was well-read, athletic, didn’t mind eating Subway three times a week and wasn’t annoyed with football, that would all be trumped by the fact that she banged other dudes on camera for a living. The social stigma and the increased risks of STDs could not be offset by the fact that I’d be dating an above-average looking woman who’s earning her own money and not enamored with the many annoying pretentions of modern society.

Because I hate wearing condoms.

(Side note: many sports bloggers also send KSK links to their take on the NBA Finals or an early look at the Cy Young race. These people can’t fuck off and die soon enough.)

Earlier this week, our own Unsilent Majority received the following email from reader (or possibly non-reader) Donovan Payton, who seemingly used his real name to email the Maj:

you suck man. Your blog sucks. KSK sucks. Rocky IV, the orgin of your name is the suckiest of them all…even worse than V….oh yeah…you suck.
DP

Thanks, Don! We couldn’t agree more. The Maj does suck. So do both our blog and Kissing Suzy Kolber, in case anyone gets the two confused. However, we missed the part where Suzy Kolber interviewed Ivan Drago in Rocky IV, and it’s the group’s majority opinion that V was a pretty sweet miniseries.