He’s not coming back, but we do have three depressing news items regarding the Colts coming right up.

Peyton goes for a walk. Lots of news for you today, humps. Peyton Manning started his rehab process by going for a “brisk walk” at the team’s training facility. If he doesn’t encounter any setbacks he’s expected to join Olivia and the gals for their Sunday morning mall walk. [Shutdown Corner]

This is Jeff George’s way of reminding everyone that he’s alive. Jason Whitlock’s favorite quarterback wants to toss his helmet in the Indianapolis quarterbacking ring. “I know it’s a long shot, but they need something.” Something. Anything. Well, anything but Jeff George, of course. Because he’s both terrible and old enough to have attended Woodstock. [Chicago Tribune]

And now for something even more ridiculous. Indy Star columnist Bob Kravitz doesn’t like what he sees from the Colts. His solution is Brett Favre. That’ll generate some fat-fingered click-throughs! Kravitz argues that the team has “nothing to lose except for some more of Irsay’s pocket change.” Counterpoint: they have nothing to gain either. [Indy Goddamn Star]

He loves he some kimchi. Terrell Owens is in Korea to undergo stem cell treatment on his surgically repaired knee. Owens was referred to a Korean anti-aging clinic by Dr. James Andrews because the FDA doesn’t want American doctors to have any fun. Whether or not it will help him heal any faster or sign with an NFL team is unclear, but I did get to make a kimchi joke out of it. So there’s that. [Korea Times via Airport News]

Fat people. Former top-ten draft pick Antone Davis is a contestant on the latest season of Biggest Loser which premiered last night. He’s up to a hefty 447 pounds, but seeing as how he was drafted a year after Jeff George a comeback may not be out of the question. More importantly, Anna Kournikova is one of the new trainers replacing the crazy lady who makes Ufford weak in the knees. [Peacock]

And I know this Redditor agrees with me. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy tweets. I even enjoy posting them from time to time (see above). What I don’t like is SportsCenter creating controversy out of crap like this. I don’t care what Teddy Bruschi thinks of some benign tweet from Ochocinco, and I certainly don’t need to hear Cris Carter pontificating on how Chad should spend more time working on his craft and less time tweeting (just a guess on my part).

Show extended highlight packages mixed in with some actual analysis and we’ll be all set. Thanks.
Read the rest of this entry »

The Mormons I went to high school with would cringe at this sort of language. John Beck admitted that he’s “pissed” that he lost out on the Redskins quarterback job. In other Redskins news, Joe Theismann is optimistic to the tune of double digit wins. What a nice change of pace for the most insufferable homer in town.

Read the rest of this entry »

JEREMY SHOCKEY SAVED A TEAMMATE’S LIFE. Fellow Panthers tight end Ben Hartsock was choking on a piece of pork tenderloin when, according to Hartsock’s agent, Shockey either performed the Heimlich or slapped him on the back, thus dislodging the obstruction. It is the first time that Shockey has ever been associated with not choking.

Also, we found the picture above to be somewhat meme-worthy. There’s a template (and an example) below the jump to get you started.

PEYTON HILLIS HAS NEVER WORKED IN THE SERVICE INDUSTRY. A ten-dollar tip for a $105 restaurant bill. At present, the Madden Curse is only affecting Hillis’s waiters. [Deadspin]

SAINTS CUT ALEX BROWN. Brown, 32, registered a career-low 2.0 sacks last season in New Orleans after eight successful years in Chicago. [PFT]

MICHAEL VICK, ON BEING ABLE TO PAY OFF CREDITORS: “That will be breath of fresh air.” *takes huge bong rip* [@Jeff_McLane]

JEREMY MACLIN PROBABLY DOESN’T HAVE CANCER. Maclin missed most of the preseason due to symptoms of a mysterious illness that was never diagnosed (tests for lymphoma were “inconclusive”), but he says he’s feeling good and will play in the season opener. I love getting non-information like this the day I have a fantasy draft. [ESPN]

JOE NAMATH ON LETTERMAN TONIGHT. Other guests include Alec Baldwin and Lenny Kravitz, so don’t get your hopes up for unwanted drunken advances.

Read the rest of this entry »

Guys get on that TV and act like they was all WORLD when they played. How bout encouraging him and wishing him the best instead of hating!!less than a minute ago via UberSocial for BlackBerry Favorite Retweet ReplyLeBron James
KingJames

LeBron James doesn’t like it when former players go on television and criticize athletes like LeBron James Tim Tebow. That’s why he got a bit worked up on Twitter when he saw noted mouth breather Merril Hoge lay in to his new whippin’ horse on ESPN. Tebow doesn’t seem to be fazed. Probably because he knows Hoge gets paid to do this crap and because he was taught to turn the other cheek and let Jesus take the wheel. [Mile High Buzz]

Read the rest of this entry »

What’s this? Actual roster moves being made? It’s as though an agonizing labor standoff has just been mercifully curtailed. Funny thing, that.

But it’s true! There was news being broken (news is very fragile and we must treat it with more care) yesterday that actually affects how teams will fare on the field. THE VERY THOUGHT! The news wasn’t even fixated on how shares of mountains of money will be dispersed among players and owners and agents and Ticketmaster and bartenders and retard bloggers because of your unhealthy obsession with the NFL. It was actually about football!

But what? What were the first ripples of activity before the upcoming melee of overspending? Just follow the bold, my friends.

The Ravens cut Willis McGahee, noted Ray Rice touchdown vulture and next notch below Antonio Cromartie on the illegitimate child generator power rankings. This was not a surprise, as McGahee has sucked pretty hard for some time. What was a surprise was that the Ravens also cut Joe Flacco’s safety blanket, Derrick Mason, along with fat white guy Kelly Gregg and very-popular-in-Baltimore white guy Todd Heap. Some have speculated that this is because the Ravens are making a play for Nnamdi Asomugha in free agency. If true, between that and the Boldin acquisition last year, the Ravens might soon be posing a challenge to the Redskins’ status as perennial Offseason Champs. Also, it’s possible that Gregg, Heap and Mason will all be back in Baltimore at a lower cost, which will have proven that the players fought long and hard to return to being easily disposable chattel.

A lot of undrafted free agents were signed. Or agreed to terms to be signed. Or some other arcane phrasing. It won’t really matter except for the one or two of these players who happen to be breakout stars down the line. These will occasion analysts to glibly mock the other 31 teams for not drafting them or somehow knowing that success would come. What’s that? You didn’t guess that his two-touchdown game against ECU presaged certain superstardom? YOU CLOD!

One of the players signed last night was trill-as-it-gets Florida safety Will Hill, who landed with the Redskins and is likely to soon begin engaging in a lengthy prostitute plank war in Thomas Circle with Andray Blatche and JaVale McGee.

Jim Irsay indicated that there exists a price he will not exceed for Peyton Manning. This is a bold thing to say, even for the desperately suicidal. Does he not know that the Fat Humps are prepared to sacrifice everything, to pay whatever price is demanded of them, to ignore as many as one fourthmeal, so that they can enjoy seeing Pey-Pey flinch horribly and toss mercy picks once he’s contacted? If there’s an amount needed to secure the future of a 35-year-old quarterback, you pay it. You don’t ask questions. Because Steak ‘n Shake doesn’t do menu changes.

-Former high school wrestling champion Chris Cooley got the best of fellow Redskins tight end Fred Davis in a best of three falls wrestling match after the team’s players-only workout. Not a bad match, but it could have used a flying elbow drop or two. [Sports Buzz via Captial Games]
Read the rest of this entry »

Apropos of nothing. [via]

They have the plant but we have the power. The NFLPA is handing out money from the lockout fund, so if you’re an NFL player step right up and collect your $60,000 stipend. If you’re one of the league’s higher paid players you can use the money on something cool like a hover-recliner, or a another pet otter (you have at least one already, right?). Or you could be like Demarcus Ware and return the totally unnecessary cash so that it can be redistributed to guys on the practice squad. Man, the Tea Party is going to be super mad about this.

Kenny Britt is a criminal mastermind. The Titans receiver was arrested and is now facing multiple criminal charges for attempting to fake out a cop in Bayone, New Jersey. Britt was spotted speeding in his Porche, but he managed to elude the officer long enough to park the car, walk away, and pretend as if he hadn’t been the one driving it. Somehow that didn’t work. When reached for comment Jeff Fisher said, “I’m not his coach anymore, please leave me alone.” Such a kidder.

Fried chicken shakeup. The rumors are true, Popeye’s is no longer the official fried chicken of the Washington Redskins. Stop freaking out, it’s going to be fine. There will be chicken next season! KFC has signed on to become the new official fried chicken of the Washington Redskins, which is kind of like replacing Donovan McNabb with a less delicious quarterback who is always trying to sell you a Beefy Crunch Burrito like it’s some kind of side dish. So yeah, lots of interesting stuff going on.

I’d prefer useful insight from a compulsive gambler to the nonsensical braying of Shannon Sharpe and Dan Marino’s vacant stares.

 Cowboys tight-end Martellus Bennett wants to see Jon Kitna under center whenever the NFL returns. Bennett told ESPN Radio this week “I think if he got a longer chance, he’d be able to do more.” Kitna stepped in when quarterback Tony Romo went down with a shoulder injury mid-season. Jerry Jones ignores input from his coaches, family and front office, so how much stock do you think he places in the wishes of an under-achieving backup tight-end? [ Larry Brown Sports ]

 Ben Roethlisberger won’t live with his fiancée before marriage because of their shared religio—You know what? Screw this. Go rehabilitate your image elsewhere. I’d rather wear a Barry Lamar Bonds jersey in a Dodger Stadium parking lot than being around this moron when he’s liquored up. [ via PFT ]

 FOX’s Alex Marvez says that Tom Brady and Peyton Manning no-showing yesterday’s court hearing in Minnesota hurts the players’ cause in their battle with the owners. Marvez chided Brady for failing “to personally provide support for a request that would give players a major boost in their legal fight against the league.” Because you know what wins legal arguments? Personal support. Judges often remark “Counsel, you’ve set out your position in a compelling oral argument, bolstered with an erudite brief– but I’m more interested in personal support. Do you have a handsome nominal plaintiff that I could hear from?”

 The Tennessee Titans settled their lawsuit against Southern Cal over the poaching of running backs coach Kennedy Pola. The Titans’ sued after Lane Kiffin went behind the back of then-Titans coach and USC alum Jeff Fisher to hire his new offensive coordinator. According to KSK’s actuarial staff, the USC athletic department’s legal budget is now greater than the GDP of Portugal. [ Sharebro Will at CBSSports.com ]

So, an NFL scout claims that Arkansas quarterback Ryan Mallett “thinks he’s Eminem.” I can see where that would be a bad thing. Schizophrenic quarterbacks can be rather unpredictable. But this made us collectively wonder, in what way does Mallett think he’s the Enema Man?

Does he sing duets with Elton John?
Does his throwing motion go out of style two months after everyone’s seen it?
Did he pen a derisive philippic about his slattern mother?
Did he film a love scene with Brittany Murphy? (Because that probably isn’t legal.)

* * * *

Bill Belichick would do this just to get a free a change of clothes.
(“FOOTBALL FRANCONA, NO ONE DENIES THIS!”)

Bucs coach Raheem Morris managed the Tampa Bay Rays in a spring training victory over the Toronto Blue Jays. Morris said of the job “All I’ve got to do is look serious and spit seeds.” Interestingly enough that’s also the job description for Charlie Sheen’s next “goddess”.
[via MJD]

* * * *
When asked by ESPN about Tiki Barber’s ill-conceived comeback, Antonio Pierce slammed his former teammate. “Tiki Barber, the leader, the person in that locker room? He is not going to do anything for your team.” The Giants are going about this the wrong way. They need to get Tiki into camp and show him how to be a better teammate this time around. Just think of the playful welcome-back taunts he could receive, “Ann Curry could hang on to the ball better than you!” or “Hey Tiki, Al Roker woulda made that block!” or “You destroyed your family, you selfish c*cks*cker!” You know, good-natured banter like that.

* * * *
According to this tweet, ESPN’s Todd McShay was enthusiastic over Auburn tackle Nick Fairley’s pro day performance. Perhaps too enthusiastic:

[via Goal Line Stand]

Gushing? Ewww. I can’t put my finger on it, but for some reason I find that phrase a little disquieting.

Oh yeah, that’s why.