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KSK Kontent Klearinghouse: Vick and Obama

Friday, July 31st, 2009

obama-vick
The pit bull is drinking Blue Moon, because he’s a Nazi sympathizer you see. AJC cartoon via @PJHart.

- The Sporting News killed a bit of time by compiling a list of the 50 greatest coaches of all time, regardless of sport. Vince Lombardi is the highest ranked NFL coach at number two, and he’s joined in the top five by Don Shula (5). Bill Belichick (20) is the only active coach on the list. Of course all that really matters to me is Joe Gibbs (17) narrowly besting Tom Landry (18). So suck on that, Texas. Of note: Landry’s hat finished 49th, just ahead of some NHL coach nobody cares about.

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KSK Kontent Klearinghouse: Ookie Returns

Monday, July 27th, 2009

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“Well, okay, but only since the white guy asked nice.”

  • Michael Vick has been “conditionally reinstated” by Roger Goodell, the condition being that Goodell is referred to as “uncle” by Vick on all occasions. Or on the condition he plays while carrying a purse with a chihuahua inside. On the condition that he makes an uncredited cameo in “Who Dat Ninja 2″. Actually, conditions will change based solely on Goodell’s whims. Hope that’s okay, Ookie.
  • First Cuts has a rundown on the soundtrack of the new Madden game, which, even though it’s been fairly tolerable the last few years, EA decided to overhaul its usual format in favor of giving the game a playlist fit for a 10th Guitar Hero game. (Korn, Slipknot AND Cypress Hill? It’s like the Family Values Tour on the 30-yard line!) Before you get too bummed, there are still the requisite “it’s obvious the record label paid Electronic Arts handsomely to get these artists in the game” tracks. So, welcome, Set Your Goals.
  • According to US Weekly, Tony Romo has instructed his top-flight security team of smiling former Blackwater operatives to keep Jessica Simpson’s goldbrickin’ ass out of his beach front community gated compound. It’s possible she’ll stand outside the gates Lloyd Dobler-like blasting her own music until she’s gunned down in a pool of her own blood that Papa Joe will then roll around in lasciviously, but not possible enough.
  • Apparently Michael David Smith thinks the Eagles will be good this year. A rare decisive stance.
  • Joe Flacco is taking the Derrick Mason not-quite-retirement limbo a little hard. Now that Drew Bennett’s two-day career with Baltimore is over, the Ravens may look toward Matt Jones, MarHar, Brandon Marshall or possibly go on a radical law-abiding route and land generally useless receiver D.J. Hackett to take up space.

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    KSK Kontent Klearinghouse: Racks on a Plane

    Friday, July 24th, 2009

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  • I heard a while back that the Raiders had entered into a market agreement with a Malaysian airline. What I didn’t know was that the deal called for planes to be decorated with Raiderettes. Certainly makes waiting on the runway more bearable for sex tourists and whoever the hell else goes to Malaysia.
  • The NFL has confirmed its long-rumored plans to convert the NFL draft into a three day affair. Starting next year, the first round will be held during prime time on Thursday night. The second and third rounds will be Friday night, with the remainder following on Saturday. All I’m saying is that “The Office” better be a rerun that night otherwise I’m bailing on the draft. I’ll take Creed Bratton over Roger Goodell any time.
  • ESPN.com NFL blogger Pat Yasinskas speculates that that they may be no teams interested in Mike Vick. I have a hard time believing this. Allow me to toss out a few names: Todd Bouman, Damon Huard, David “Mittens” Carr. As long as these humps can find work, there will be a place for Vick on an NFL roster. You know what attaches an even worse stigma to NFL teams than employing an ex-convict puppy killer? Losing, that’s what.
  • The man who previously accused Marvin Harrison of shooting him, now claims Harrison was behind his most recent attack. Someone shot Dwight Dixon seven times in Dirty North Philly Tuesday. Dixon reportedly told police on the scene that Harrison, who hasn’t been charged in either incident, was somehow responsible. Police reported that Dixon was hit in the chest, stomach and arms– thus ruling out JaMarcus Russell as a suspect. [ Newsflash (for some): Dwight Dixon guy is not the same guy as former Oregon U. QB Dennis Dixon. ]
  • In case you still don’t have plans for the weekend [SPOILER ALERT], Secret Dwarf Hooker seems like a pretty chill movie.

    • [ photo: via ]

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    KSK Kontent Klearinghouse: Not a Good Time to Be Isis

    Tuesday, June 16th, 2009

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  • If Brady Quinn gets to be a Hindu goddess of wealth, light, and fertility, it’s only fair that Plaxico Burress gets to be Osiris, the Egyptian god of death. Too bad Ol’ Dirty Bastard already held claim to the association. [Tirico Suave]

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  • Two of the Gramatica brothers recently went to work for Habitat for Humanity. A mullet like that clearly needs hardhat protection.
  • Donte Stallworth reached a settlement with the family of the person he Leonard Little’d with his car and is expected to plead guilty today to DUI manslaughter, which in Florida carries a mandatory four year minimum sentence. He’s still staying mum about admitting he was a huge disappointment for both the Patriots and the Browns. [PFT]
  • Buzzsaw tight end Ben Patrick is being suspended for four games, not for having two first names, but for testing positive for Adderall. Man, how’s he gonna pass the GRE now? [Gridironfans.com]
  • The NFL Draft is being moved back to early May next year. Finally, a few more weeks of breathless coverage of teams working out potential draftees. The offseason just got sexy. [Shutdown Corner]

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    Eleven Angry Men… And One Super Excited Big Boy

    Friday, May 15th, 2009

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  • Elisha Manning was all set to get empaneled onto a jury, but his questionnaire revealed a deep-seated bias against people who have stolen antiques. And older brothers. Also, the article reports it was unknown which case Eli was asked to sit in on, though we all know he only showed up to demand that his Plax be set free and allowed to return to his team.
  • The NFL has agreed to allow Chad Ocho Cinco to wear his new last name on his jersey this upcoming season, but only if it gets conflated to “Ochocinco”. When asked about the ruling, Chad responded, “I don’t want space in my name. Someone could put a chair there.”
  • Warren Sapp has pinned Tony Romo’s late season failings on trips to the golf course. See, this would have been more convincing had he said Romo wants to lose early just so he can get back to the course earlier than usual, rather than it being a distraction during the season. Also if Sapp had any sort of reputation for being a workout warrior himself during his career, that might’ve bolstered his argument ever so slightly.
  • The Steelers will visit the White House next Thursday, where Santonio Holmes will personally thank President Obama for ending the War on Drugs and Ben Roethlisberger will wrestle Joe Biden on the South Lawn for a package of Now and Laters.

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    They Should Call This Book “Torry Deformed”

    Monday, May 4th, 2009

  • Over the course of an NFL career, any player is bound to acquire their share of debilitating injuries. Torry Holt is no different, as he has come to call the distorted middle finger on his left hand his “trophy”. Good thing it’s not his letter writing hand. Of course, Anthony Munoz scoffs at the mere 45 degree slant Torry’s got going.

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  • Broncos cheerleader tryouts were open to the public for the first time this year, because, hell, they gotta do something to keep fans from killing themselves over this offseason debacle, and naturally the Broncnator (possibly the worst name for a superfan ever) arrived to claim himself a bride. Sorry, buddy, unless you carve the message in your skin, you just aren’t standing out.

    broncnator

  • Jack Kemp passed away over the weekend, so now he and Tim Russert can prattle on for eternity in the afterlife about both politics and the Bills. Or something not horribly depressing, should the urge strike them. Anyway, Shutdown Corner’s got a highlight video from his career (football, not political, though that ‘96 VP run had some moments, lemme tell ya).
  • The Cleveland Plain Dealer floats the rumor of a Braylon Edwards-Thomas Jones trade in the works. Because the key to upgrading your running back position is to acquire one who’s a year older than Jamal Lewis and who’s probably going to be released anyway.
  • Two Saints players were arrested early Sunday morning for waving their junk at girls after getting grief for peeing in a parking lot. Indecent exposure makes Baby Breesus cry.
  • As you’ve no doubt heard, the Cowboys practice facility imploded because it was Do What You Feel Day and the roof didn’t get double bolted.

    We’d joke about it some more but a scouting assistant got paralyzed from the waist down and that kind of sucks the humor out of it. Way to go, guy.

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