We just couldn’t help ourselves. More non-football Kanye VMA incident Photoshoppery available at Holy Taco.

Emmitt Smiff will appear on The Today Show on Friday (why the hell not? They already let Jenna Bush be a regular) to help Matt Lauer and Al Roker “serenate” the Cowboys new stadium. “If a punt were to stripe the Jumbothong, we would have what they call in golf, a Cortland Finnegan.” [Awful Announcing]

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You’ve probably seen it elsewhere by now (as in, the live broadcast when it happened) but here’s video of Brady being a dismissive slapdick to the Matron Saint when she was trying to get a simple postgame quote. Listen here and listen good, Dreamscrote, you are messing with forces beyond your limited comprehension. You will show the Matron Saint her due reverence or, so help me, I’ll tear your nuts off and have Aaron Schobel run them back for six. [WithLeather]

There was some disagreement among the KSK ranks about who is the most deserving of the dubious distinction of being the Jeff George Memorial Least of the Week for Kickoff Weekend. Then we remembered that we hadn’t had a poll in a while and thought we’d leave it to the readers to make the call.

NFL Players Mentor Troubled Detroit Lions

And what a treat it was for those lovable losers. One question: is everyone at the Onion Sports Network on speed? Even Leitch had a tough time keeping up with that repartee. In other news, the remaining Lions fans are eager to get this season over with, thus putting them one year closer to locking up the rights to Barry Sanders Jr. Only seven more years of waiting, folks! Of course by then the entire city of Detroit will likely be buried under mountains of rubble. [OSN via Hot Clicks]

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Joe Namath, drunken wooer of the Matron Saint, tiller of Maude Mona Simpson’s wild oats, graces a photo spread for the South Florida Sun Sentinel’s special football preview section. Because, uh, Willy Joe looks to figure heavily in the outcome of the ‘09 season. Still, it’s a good enough excuse to get the old drunk and his mandals to throw on a mink coat and feel fancy.

Remember how the NFL got all pissy about there being single game wagering in Delaware? Me neither, because I’m too distracted by Gus the Eagles Groundhog to harp on any hypocrisy about the NFL being involved with state lotteries. Though I bet McNabb made the throat slash motion to his coaches when they had Gus in on consecutive snaps. [The700Level]

Because of book whoring obligations this week, I didn’t get around to making a big deal out of the Redskins suing old ladies into bankruptcy then selling their tickets to scalpers. Which doubly sucks because now it seems authorities are cracking down on the forming of D.C. area (that’s “DMV” to the locals, son) shantytowns filled by Daniel Snyder-created Redskins Hobos! WILL THERE BE NO JUSTICE FOR US, COOCH!? OR EVEN WARM BLANKETS!?

Bills offensive coordinator Turkmenistan Schonert has been shown the door, making him the third OC fired just this month, joining Chan Gailey and Jeff Jagoff-something. Three, huh? Time for a trend story! Welcome, new UFL coaching class.

After signing perennial ne’er-do-well Pacman Jones, Winnipeg of the CFL is negotiating to add former Lions first-round bust Charles Rogers to their roster. Rogers will be sorely disappointed when he realizes a Blue Bomber is not a 3-foot bong.

Ice Cube is making a documentary about the Los Angeles Raiders. The old Oakland Raiders were like the original Friday. The L.A. Raiders were like “Straight Outta Compton”. The current Oakland Raiders are like Are We There Yet?

Ricky Williams is going to retire after next season. He’s going to finally do what’s he talked about for years– really get out and see America. He’s saved up for a Winnebago. He and Barbara are counting down the days. Driving west and to spend two weeks with the grandkids in Downer’s Grove, Illinois before making their way out to the Grand Canyon. Maybe stop a night or two in Branson, who knows? They’re gonna see how many Cracker Barrels they can visit along the way. Bar is just crazy for those Goo Goo Cluster they sell there, don’t you know.

Could Jamal Lewis be on the verge of Dumpsville in Cleveland? Wonder which was worse: four months in prison or two seasons in Cleveland?

[ via Winnipeg Sun, NBC Chicago, Fox Sports, Waiting For Next Year ]

- Marmalard is a very rich man this morning, having agreed to a contract extension with the Chargers worth $92 million over the next seven years. The contract includes a guaranteed payout of $38.5 million and, most importantly, it means that he’ll now be the second highest paid* member of the ‘04 quarterback class. Suck on that, Rapelisberger!

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These broads! Foof! It’s like they got moths between their ears! I tells ‘em and I tells ‘em – downs equals tries; tries equals downs. That some kinda rocket surgery or something? What’s a guy gotta do to hammer it through in her thick skull!? It’s like her brain, it ain’t wired right, y’know? She just points at a play in progress and pretends everything goes all coo-coo bananas. Like all us guys are just playing a big practical joke in her. You ask me, she got dropped on her head as a kid. Thank God Steve came with all the uniform dress-up gear to give her the visuals. Now I’mma leave them in the locker room to diagram some stuff while I head back to the recliner. With a cold one, of course. You can take it from here, eh, Steve-oh?

[Everything is Terrible]

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“Did you guys see that poll on Bleacher Report? No? Okay, me neither. Never mind.”

 

An arrest has been made in the shooting of Chargers running back Curtis Brinkley. The undrafted rookie was ambushed at an intersection last month in Philadelphia. It seems the jealous shooter has a child with Brinkley’s sister and mistook him for her new boyfriend. Brinkley is expected to make a full recovery, but his NFL future is in jeopardy. Of all the crappy reasons to get shot—because someone thinks you are banging your sister. I’m sure that sort of thing happens all the time in Morgantown, West Virginia, but Brinkley went to school at Syracuse.

Congrats to Tim and Elisabeth Hasselbeck on the birth of their son Isaiah Timothy yesterday. Mother and son are both doing fine. We’re sure the little guy will be under-throwing wide open receivers and screeching against socialized medicine in no time at all.

Drew Brees left training camp after his mother, Mina Brees, passed away Friday while visiting relatives in Denver. Brees and his mother, a successful lawyer in Austin, Texas, had a rocky relationship– which he attributed in part to his decision not to hire her as his agent. Last year, he requested that she quit using his name and image as part of her unsuccessful judicial campaign. Most recently, the elder Brees was under investigation by the Texas Attorney General’s Office for letters sent to numerous restaurant owners, demanding they pay $20,000 or lose their business’ names. I know one restaurant that should definitely have to change its name—the so-called Cheesecake “Factory”. I went there recently and was appalled by the lack of hardhats and eyewash stations. Someone should call OSHA.

Current Bronco and former Jet/Raider/Patriot LaMont Jordan is being sued by the Mirage Casino in Las Vegas for $200,000 in unpaid gambling debts. What did they expect, extending credit to a Terp? Moose, Rocco help LaMont find his checkbook.

Finally, this Bleacher Report post asserts that an active NFL player will come out of the closet this season or next because Twitter and the NFL’s marketing department will make them. Yeah, it doesn’t make much sense to us either.

UPDATE: Peyton, Eli and Fredo Cooper Manning will make a guest appearance on The Simpsons this December. Ape speculates that Cooper will portray a returning Hugo Simpson. Eli has been granted special permission to stay up late to watch the episode, but then it’s straight to bed, young man.

Here’s a video showing the real victims of the final-until-two-weeks-from-now Brett Favre retirement: media whores. When you think about it, in any tragedy, it’s always the whores who suffer the most.

LenWhale’s key to shedding unwanted pounds: quit pounding tequila. And if you can’t, at least quit chasing it with bacon paste.

Someone’s stirring up the rubes by wearing a Vikings Favre jersey to Packers camp. That’s the worst thing you can do in Green Bay save maybe saving there’s only low fat creamer left.

DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart, now apparently rebranded as “Double Trouble” (clever!) have started a web site where they offer to let you become a “troublemaker” for the low, low price of $34.28. Good luck with that. Though you know if two benchwarmers from the Tar Heels did the same thing, North Carolina would be all over like grits on everything.

Vehicular wackiness has been all the rage at training camps this year, be it Reggie Wayne showing up in a dump truck (somehow Najeh Davenport never thought of this), James Harrison in a Smart Car (BECAUSE THEY SMART ENOUGH TO BE LOYAL TO JAMES HARRISON!) and the Buzzsaw on Segways, not to mention the usually forced folksiness of athletes tooling around on bikes. Update: they got scooters too! However, unless Al Davis arrives via autogyro, I’m not really getting into this campmeme.

Finally, a sign the tip contest for your book turned out to be an abortion: the person who won (and not with even a particularly strong entry) replied by e-mail claiming they didn’t actually submit the entry.

The fair thing to do would be the give the choice to the second place entrant, but they don’t really deserve the choice either (they’re still getting the books). So, I tell you what I’m going to do: we’re gonna put it to a vote.

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The pit bull is drinking Blue Moon, because he’s a Nazi sympathizer you see. AJC cartoon via @PJHart.

- The Sporting News killed a bit of time by compiling a list of the 50 greatest coaches of all time, regardless of sport. Vince Lombardi is the highest ranked NFL coach at number two, and he’s joined in the top five by Don Shula (5). Bill Belichick (20) is the only active coach on the list. Of course all that really matters to me is Joe Gibbs (17) narrowly besting Tom Landry (18). So suck on that, Texas. Of note: Landry’s hat finished 49th, just ahead of some NHL coach nobody cares about.

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“Well, okay, but only since the white guy asked nice.”

Michael Vick has been “conditionally reinstated” by Roger Goodell, the condition being that Goodell is referred to as “uncle” by Vick on all occasions. Or on the condition he plays while carrying a purse with a chihuahua inside. On the condition that he makes an uncredited cameo in “Who Dat Ninja 2″. Actually, conditions will change based solely on Goodell’s whims. Hope that’s okay, Ookie.

First Cuts has a rundown on the soundtrack of the new Madden game, which, even though it’s been fairly tolerable the last few years, EA decided to overhaul its usual format in favor of giving the game a playlist fit for a 10th Guitar Hero game. (Korn, Slipknot AND Cypress Hill? It’s like the Family Values Tour on the 30-yard line!) Before you get too bummed, there are still the requisite “it’s obvious the record label paid Electronic Arts handsomely to get these artists in the game” tracks. So, welcome, Set Your Goals.

According to US Weekly, Tony Romo has instructed his top-flight security team of smiling former Blackwater operatives to keep Jessica Simpson’s goldbrickin’ ass out of his beach front community gated compound. It’s possible she’ll stand outside the gates Lloyd Dobler-like blasting her own music until she’s gunned down in a pool of her own blood that Papa Joe will then roll around in lasciviously, but not possible enough.

Apparently Michael David Smith thinks the Eagles will be good this year. A rare decisive stance.

Joe Flacco is taking the Derrick Mason not-quite-retirement limbo a little hard. Now that Drew Bennett’s two-day career with Baltimore is over, the Ravens may look toward Matt Jones, MarHar, Brandon Marshall or possibly go on a radical law-abiding route and land generally useless receiver D.J. Hackett to take up space.