- The new sensation sweeping Troll Nation: Bradying, which involves people adopting Tom Brady’s sullen pose of defeat from the Super Bowl. Busted Coverage already has some submissions from readers. I prefer @matt_T‘s approach (above) of just Photoshopping him into existing memes and funny situations, but that’s me.

- Of course, there can be no Bradying without its more pious and less fun cultural ancestor, Tebowing. A Colorado family made a gigantic Tebowing snowman, which, if there were a just God, would spring to life and crush them for worshiping false idols.

-A woman interviewed at the Giants victory parade said the Giants player she was most looking forward to seeing was “SANCHEZZZZZZ!” It’s funny because Mark Sanchez doesn’t play for the Giants and whatever team Mark Sanchez plays for isn’t gonna have a Super Bowl parade on account of having Mark Sanchez. Also, as an adult, she’s probably too old for Sanchez anyway.

- Steve Weatherford was also playing a drum during the parade, because as we all know from when he brought 100 Shake Weights to Jets training camp during “Hard Knocks” a few years back, Steve Weatherford is one zany punter bro. Perhaps the zaniest. Coming for you, Chris Kluwe!

- Ricky Williams has announced that he’s going to retire to free up time for Ewok Village.

This means Michael Vick and Santonio Holmes will have to fetch a scale to figure out how they’re going to parcel out future “NFL players using marijuana” punchlines. Sam Hurd gets a cut, of course.

- An online pawn company looking for cheap publicity delivered 900 pounds of Butterfingers to Boston’s Copley Square in honor of Wes Welker being all droppy and stuff. More dickish to taunt Welker or not just give them to Vince Wilfork?

- Even though Maria Menounos doesn’t have anything to do with sports, we always have to hear about how she’s a Boston fan. Apparently she made a lost a bet on the Super Bowl and had to wear a Giants bikini, which is whatever, but I enjoy how hard this guy is laughing at her in this photo, so it makes the Klearinghouse.

The New York Post got their grubby hands on a private email from Gisele to friends and family asking for them to pray for her husband Tom Brady.

My sweet friends and family,

This sunday will be a really important day in my husband’s life. He and his team worked so hard to get to this point and now they need us more than ever to send them positive energy so they can fulfill their dream of winning this super bowl . . .

So I kindly ask all of you to join me on this positive chain and pray for him, so he can feel confident, healthy and strong. Envision him happy and fulfilled experiencing with his team a victory this sunday.

Thank you for your love and support. Love, G :)

It’s funny because she believes in stuff. Not to be outdone by Rupert Murdoch, we’ve unearthed a personal email sent from Olivia Manning to her closest friends.

Dearest loved ones,

As you know, my precious baby Eli will be playing in the Super Bowl this Sunday. And as you might expect, he’s very nervous. My poor little angel was up all night suffering from anxiety induced diarrhea. I only tell you this because we consider all of you to be part of our family, and I ask that you join me in praying for him extra hard before now and Sunday.

Thank you for your discretion with regards to this sensitive matter.

Love,
Big O

Read the rest of this entry »

Adam Schefter is reporting that the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are close to making Greg Schiano their new head coach, much to the delight of Peter King, who has been talking up his pro potential quite a bit. Schiano has spent the past eleven years overhauling the Rutgers football program from laughingstock to kind of not terrible all of the time. Thus ends a curious search that saw the team spurned by Oregon’s Chip Kelly after interviews with Marty Schottenheimer, Mike Sherman, Brad Childress, an older gentleman with a distinctive hat who kind of looked like Tom Landry for a minute, and token respectable candidate Mike Zimmer.

If the deal goes through, all NFL head coaching vacancies will have been filled. Mike Sherman will likely settle for the offensive coordinator job in Miami, while Schottenheimer can refocus his energy on guiding the Virginia Destroyers to a second straight UFL title. Assuming those are still things that exist, of course.

Read the rest of this entry »

INEVITABLE BUT MILDLY ENTERTAINING: NMA offers its take on the Colts firing Jim Caldwell and Rob Lowe tweeting about Peyton Manning’s retirement. Little-known fact: Manning’s neck injury was the result of a lightning strike.

FLIPPING OUT. Dust off your five-year-old “Bengals are criminals jokes”: Jerome Simpson has reportedly been indicted for trafficking marijuana. That’s a Class D felony, 1-5 years in the clink, and the sternest possible frown from Roger Goodell.

LOL BIDEN: Joe Biden told a bunch of 49ers fans that the Giants were going to the Super Bowl, because the San Francisco Giants are a team that exists. Let Obama handle the sports stuff, big guy.

AND MEDIOCRE SKATEBOARD RIDER, TOO. A Ravens fan complained to the organization that Joe Flacco was riding a skateboard. You’re doing it wrong, Joe. Champions ride scooters.

Read the rest of this entry »

*QUEEF* John Parr, who wrote and recorded #1 hit “St. Elmo’s Fire” in 1985, has refurbished the song with lyrics about Tim Tebow. It’s so exquisitely awful that I got goosebumps. It’s like when Elton John remade “Candle in the Wind” for Princess Diana, except heroic paparazzo has orchestrated a martyring car crash.

HUE! Former Packers exec Reggie McKenzie had a productive first day as the Raiders’ new GM: he wasted no time firing coach Hue Jackson. The Raiders lost four of their final five games, including a Week 17 home loss to the Chargers that allowed the Tebroncos into the playoffs. Good riddance, says I.

O YOU FANCY. The Postmortal, which was written by our very own Drew Magary, has been nominated for the Philip K. Dick Award (“presented annually to a distinguished work of science fiction published in paperback original form in the United States”). Fitting that Drew’s first big award nomination is the Dickie. Sources say the event will be hosted by…

‘DOOR FLIES OPEN’ IS A REGISTERED TRADEMARK OF KISSING SUZY KOLBER LLC. Early today we became aware of a satirical article by Jason Gay of the Wall Street Journal in which Rex Ryan gives a pep talk to the New York Giants. He wrote us a very nice email in which he apologized and confessed ignorance of Drew’s REX RYAN: BEST COACH EVER character. He seemed genuinely aghast about the whole thing, so, you know, no need to flame him on Twitter or firebomb his house.

WITH GOD ON HIS SIDE. Pardon my whoring, but yesterday I imagined what God would have to do to help the Broncos win the Super Bowl. Please read and share it on the Twitbooks.

I can’t believe that Bonfire Brewing started marketing their forthcoming Tebrew barleywine before I could get a trademark on my new wine, Tempranebow. Hmmm, it’s probably for the best now that I think about it.

Tampa Bay’s new interim coach is… Raheem Morris! The Glazers were all set to fire last year’s hot coach, only to realize that his staff is so crappy that they wouldn’t have anyone to take his place. Well played, Raheem. Peter King and Mike Florio think the Bucs should give Tiki Barber a shot. He already knows Ronde!

Good thing kids in Boston get all of their news from Barstool. Patriots punter Zoltan “ZOLTAN” Mesko went on the local news to tell everyone that Santa isn’t real. Even Julian Edelman knows better than to say that within earshot of children. Also, Tom Brady looked silly.

The only Blue Moon he’s familiar with is brewed by Coors. Apparently Aaron Rodgers is a Man City supporter. Hey, first place teams have to stick together. Besides, who wouldn’t want to cheer on Citeh with the likes of Noel and Liam Gallagher. That’s a classy fanbase they’ve got.

Senile old man says crazy things. Redskins radio broadcaster Sam Huff thinks the suspensions of Trent Williams and Fred Davis were too severe. Because of Christmas.

Bill Cosby’s coming to Denver on March 31st, so he wants you to call Tim Tebow and make sure it’s a nice day. [YouTube]

Speaking of Tebow and blind hero worship, the funniest thing on the internet today is Jon Bois’s evangelical tract about the Gunslinger prophecy. (“why did we build a jail in the forest”) [SB Nation]

Last year, Seahawks DE Raheem Brock was pulled over for fishtailing at 90 mph at 2:30 in the morning. Breathalyzer tests showed his BAC to be .111 and .115. He then chastised the Seattle cops for not “taking care of their athletes,” so the paperwork got lost. JUSTICE! [Deadspin]

On last night’s MNF broadcast, ESPN cut to a skyline shot of Jacksonville that was actually file footage of Charlotte. The error was noticed by people who live in Charlotte, and no one else in America. [SportsGrid]

The fakest real Rick Reilly story ever. Parody no longer exists. [@ReillyRick]

This is a real tweet. We did not fabricate it to defame Reggie Bush. Please do not attempt to sue us. Furthermore, there is nothing funny about ALS, and we certainly commiserate with Steve Gleason as he faces this devastating disease. Let’s just move on to the next item.

Texans set sights on Delhomme or Garcia. Now there’s something we can all agree to laugh about. Good clean fun right there. Thanks, Adam Schefter.

Ndamukong Suh suspended for two games. No surprise there. What is surprising is how Suh once hit Jay Cutler with a hadouken. Somehow I missed that, but Next Media Animation is on top of it.

Bob Costas thinks you’re reaching. Sione Pouha of the New York Jets felt that Stevie Johnson’s mock airplane celebration was in poor taste. You know, because of 9/11. You see, Sione is from New York (via Utah), and they are sensitive to this kind of thing. Just last week Sione was in the park when he saw a man feeding his kid with the old “spoon as an airplane” trick. Needless to say, he won’t be pulling that crap again. At least not until the casts come off.

He was still their coach? The Jacksonville Jaguars fired coach Jack Del Rio this morning. The news was first reported by grappling enthusiast, Jay Glazer. Defensive Coordinator Mel Tucker will take over in an interim roll role. The Jaguars also extended the contract of GM Gene Smith.

Last night’s episode of South Park was a delight, especially the scenes featuring many of Broadway’s heaviest hitters totally bro-ing out. You can see the definitive highlight above, a bro down between Randy Marsh and Stephen Sondheim wearing a Terry Bradshaw jersey. Although Andrew Lloyd Webber pounding beers and wings at Hooters in a Patriots hoodie should not be overlooked.

In honor of Beavis and Butt-Head’s return… Here is Gwar’s Oderus Urungus discussing the Washington Redskins in depth. [The Score]

Jeff Saturday goes off on Big Blue Shoe Normally I have no patience for “mom’s basement” jokes, but I admit, I’m a bit less defensive when Jeff Saturday is lobbing the age-old insult at BBS. If only he’d called him a fat hump… [National Football Post]

Want to hear Dan Snyder talk about business? Of course you don’t! And why would you, with the kind of advise he passes out? “My advice to small business is listen to your clients.” Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go gouge and/or sue some of our long-time clients. [NFL]

Todd Haley will be shaving soon. The noted crazy person/coach doesn’t want to jinx Kansas City’s modest win streak, so he’s letting his scraggly beard grow out until they lose. The Chiefs play this Monday night against the Chargers, so expect a clean-shaven Haley at practice next week. If it’s a bad loss he may even shave his balls. [Shutdown Corner]

F*ck you, dolphin. NMA TV keeps putting out great material. Their videos are consistently concise and funny as hell. The latest features their take on the Tim Tebow story, complete with chopped off angel wings and a Tebow fan who may or may not be Brandon Lloyd. [Eye on Brinson]

When has a strip club manager ever been dishonest? Vince Young is being sued by a Creiton Kinchen, a Dallas strip club manager who wants damages for a 2010 scuffle in which Young was cited for misdemeanor assault. The reason for the dispute? “Kinchen, a manager at Club Onyx, says he refused to convert $8,000 off Young’s credit card into single dollar bills for tip money.” [Yahoo/AP]

Screen grab via Ape.

A new reason to hate Pete Carroll. LeBron James got exactly what he wanted when he sent out this tweet to ESPN humanoid John Clayton. Namely, everyone talked about him. Oh, that LeBron. He sure knows how to ease the tension of the NBA lockout. But what if he’s serious this time? Let’s discuss this like it’s a real thing instead of showing highlights and providing useful information! Now Pete Carroll, riding high off of a 2-3 record, is trying to ride LeBron’s chill wave by printing up a customized jersey and tweeting about it. What a couple of attention whoring dickbags. [@PeteCarroll]

Mike Florio knows why the caged bird sings. Chad Ochocinco can finally tweet again after losing a bet that kept him off of his account for a few weeks. Pro Football Talk’s Inspector Florio was unaware of the bet, so he assumed that Chad’s silence was mandated by the Patriots. Even after being told about the bet, Florio continued to suggest that the receiver’s lackluster output could be blamed on the organization stifling his personality. There was no mention of age or declining skills. [PFT]

This is about as wild as Mormons get. Steve Young’s wife surprised her husband with a flash mob to celebrate his 50th birthday party. I hate everything about that sentence. [ESPN]

The greatest contribution of Jim Zorn’s coaching career. The Chiefs had a really crappy start to the season. How have they turned it around? Through the magic of cornhole, of course. It’s working for now, but it’s only a matter of time before Toddy Haley gets pissed off and sets the board on fire. [Shutdown Corner]