It’s the last kommenter draft of the year! NOOOOOOOOO! But that means football is back next week! YESSSSSSSSSS! Anyway, coming to this timeslot next week will be Maj’s Friday gambling column, designed expressly for you to lose as much money as possible as quickly as possible. That makes this week’s mock draft our swan song until next offseason, when we’re stuck without football once more and craving a hot knife to jam into our eyes.

This week’s topic? Celebrity you wish would never grow old. Pick one famous person. That person’s age is frozen permanently in place from now through the end of time. They won’t die. They won’t get old and ugly. You must pick someone who is currently alive. And you are freezing them at their current age. So if you pick Jenna Jameson, you get 2011 Jenna, not 1997 Jenna. BIG DIFFERENCE. Also, freezing this person’s age doesn’t mean you get to sleep with them or anything like that. They’re still just as distant from you as ever. And if you think I’m doing this draft just for some desperate last-second book-whoring, you know me all too well.

Pick one person, then wait ten selections to pick again. I pick Purple Jesus because I lack a decent imagination. You’re on the clock.

This week, KSK is raising money for the Special Operations Warrior Fund through Matt Ufford’s Fight Gone Bad effort. Donate here. For more information, go here.

Today’s draft is inspired by the fantastic bit of nostalgia seen above (via Flubby). Your task is to select one athlete and one (real) product that you would combine to create the perfect celebrity endorsement. Once an athlete or product is selected they are off the table for good.

I’ll get things started with the Albert Haynesworth Drive ‘n Grill. It’s like a Foreman Grill with the increased probability of Cornballeresque burns.

Something horrible happened last night. Hopefully you weren’t watching, but if you’re reading this there’s a good chance that you were subjected to at least a few minutes of Terry Bradshaw in FOX’s broadcast booth. As much as I like the idea of Bradshaw being sent upstairs to annoy Joe Buck and make Troy Aikman incredibly uncomfortable, it was simply not worth the collateral damage.

Still, the idea of a third man in FOX’s lead booth is intriguing. Any coherent person who could come in and interrupt Buck’s smugathon while talking over Aikman’s platitudes would be welcome in theory. That’s why this week we’re going to draft television characters who would take up that third spot in an ideal world. The first pick comes after the jump. Make yours in the comments, but remember to wait ten picks before going back for seconds.

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Pop culture is awash in anthropomorphism. Animals talk. Inanimate objects talk (BRAVE LITTLE TOASTER 4EVA!). Ghosts talk. God talks. Even parts of the human body that aren’t supposed to talk, talk. If you lived on TV, you’d never be lonely because anything you could think of would constantly be talking to you. Which is why living on TV is probably fairly unpleasant.

But it would be nice if you could converse with something other than a person, because people are depressing at best and super depressing at worst. And talking to technology is no fun either. I make myself hoarse yelling at the bitch who lives inside my GPS.

So it would be nice to give an animal species the ability to talk. Not in the parrot sense, where they can only mimic the sound of a few words, but full-blown speech. At first I thought to make it an individual animal, but then somebody would just hog Harvey The Vocalizing Ibex all to himself. Let’s make it an entire animal species. Humans would be endlessly fascinated by any animal capable of speech, for no better reason than animals revel in the base instincts that humans try so hard to suppress or sublimate into sports passion. There might be sweeping ramifications. If nothing else, it would at least make for some good one-liners.

Your picks in the comments. I’ll get you started with honey badgers, who obviously have the dry, cool wit needed to be an action hero.

This week’s draft topic is inspired not only by the news that George Clooney flew Stacy Keibler out to Lake Como for some celebrity coitus, but also by the release of The Change-Up. In case you watch all of your television on the DVR sans commercials, that’s the “raunchy rom-com” starring Ryan Reynolds, Jason Bateman, and a machine that makes fart noises (Oh Mrs. Apatow, you really should cool it on the thai food!). It’s easy to compare it to another movie with the same plot device, only this one doesn’t feature a barely legal Lindsay Lohan. I know, seems pointless to me too.

Today you’ll be picking one member of the same sex with whom you would switch places with for a period of one year. While it’s easy to pick somebody whose body you’d want to inhabit, you must consider the other side of the coin. The person you pick will live your life for the full year, or until you can find the Zoltar machine to switch things back. Wait a minute…wrong trope. My fault, this is all very confusing. Choose wisely.

Chad Ochocinco is well-liked by football fans across America, except by me. I can’t stand the guy. He hasn’t done dick since Houshmandzadeh left town and last year he and TO rode a tidal wave of mediocrity into a nine-game losing streak. While Chad seemed to have trouble catching balls, he had no trouble catching headlines, seemingly spending more time working the camera than working on his game. That’s not fun to watch when your team is busy making Ryan Fitzpatrick look like Joe Montana.

Those unfamiliar with Bengals owner Mike Brown might think of his refusal to trade Carson Palmer as the ultimate act of stubborness. That actually came two years ago, when the Bengals were offered two first-round picks for Chad Ochocinco. Brown said no.

Yesterday, Ochocinco was traded to the Patriots. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, Chadwick.

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It seems almost fitting that we run the complete opposite of last week’s kommenter draft. Instead of picking two people you’d like to see together, this week you’ll be selecting a couple that you could pull apart without repercussions. Because couples are fucking annoying, bros are bothersome, and pairs are better left pared…with a paring knife, that is.

Sometimes couples or duos or business partners split up naturally, like Stevie and Tiger up there, but who has time to wait for that? I HATE THESE PEOPLE NOW. Their joining forces is detrimental to my happiness. WHY CAN’T YOU BE LONELY AND MISERABLE LIKE THE REST OF US?!

Select one pair of humans–living, dead, fictional–that you would care to separate for all eternity. Explain why if you need to. Any person can be re-selected, provided he or she is part of another pair. Wait ten picks, and then pick another duo. These people need to be stopped.

I’m taking Batman and Robin for my first pick. Nobody cares about Robin, except for the clearly-gay Robin from the TV show. Meh, you can’t make an omelette something something. Looks like you’re pounding sand, Boy Wonder.

Now you try.

Sam and Diane, Dennis and Mac, Chuck and the reason people pretend to like Chuck. Network television history is littered with couples who exude sexual tension. This week, inspired by Annie and Britta’s saphic love, you’ll be drafting a fictional couple from a network television show to feature in a sex tape. The only rule is that you can’t pick Annie and Britta. They’re taken. Stop asking.

Image via Warming Glow. Go there for the hi-res image (you’re probably due for a new desktop background) and the accompanying video.

It’s never fun when your favorite character in a movie or on a TV show dies, especially if they die in ignominious fashion, or in a way that you feel ruins the story. That’s why I’ve always wished there was an alternate ending to “Heat” where Robert De Niro doesn’t die, and in fact guns down that douchey Al Pacino in an airfield, instead of the other way around. “I gotta hold on to my angst. I preserve it because I need it. It keeps me sharp, on the edge, where I gotta be.” Whatever, you tool. We all know the wrong man won that fight. NO ONE DENIES THIS!

So today’s draft is all about correcting those perceived mistakes. Pick one TV or movie character whose death you would prevent if you could. Perhaps even explain how the story moves on without their death. A LITTLE FAN FICTION FLAIR, CHILDREN. Pick one character, and then please wait ten picks until you choose again. And yes, you can select multiple characters from one movie or TV show, provided you select them individually. So go nuts. Beware of spoiler alerts below if you, you know, haven’t seen stuff.

I love food. It’s a simple fact that a quick search through the mock draft and kommenter draft archives will confirm. I love to cook, smell, eat, look at, and read about all sorts of different foods. But even somebody like me has a few foodstuffs they wish had never been invented. While it would be easy to pick anything preceded by the words “Guy Fieri,” we’ll try to keep this draft a bit more specific. You are tasked with selecting the one specific dish you would banish from menus the world over.

With the first pick, I’m taking crinkle cut fries. Ugh. Nothing about these is good. They could be made from scratch right in front of my face and they’d still taste like frozen crap. They are by far the worst take on the fried potato, behind the classic french fry, the majesty of the curly fry, and even the overly potato-y steak fry. You hear that, crinkle cuts? You’re worse than steak fries! Make your picks in the comments, and please wait ten picks before selecting again.