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We here at KSK are awful people. We sit on our asses watching a violent sport, ingesting fried food and alcohol, and then we devote the rest of our week to telling the meanest, crudest jokes we can think of. We challenge each other to swear in new and inventive ways. We draw on racist stereotypes for cheap laughs and make casual assertions of homosexuality.

We’re all headed straight to hell.

UNLESS! Unless we can use our evil powers for good! That’s right, it’s the third annual KSK Kares Kharity Drive! In 2007, when our little blog was barely a year old, we raised $1565 for Fisher House, which helps the families of wounded and amputee veterans. Last year, even with the economy at its absolute worst, you fine readers went above and beyond and chipped in $2495 for charity.

This year, I, Matt Ufford/Captain Caveman, will participate in Fight Gone Bad, a brutally punishing workout that raises money for the Wounded Warrior Project (raising awareness and providing aid to severely wounded veterans) and Athletes for a Cure (fighting prostate cancer). That’s right: TWO charities! That’s twice the charities to brag about donating to at your next cocktail party!

What exactly does Fight Gone Bad entail? I’m glad you asked. On Saturday, September 26th, I’m going to head over to CrossFit South Brooklyn and perform three five-minute rounds of a sadistic combination of exercises:

1. Wall-ball: 20-pound medicine ball, 10 ft target.
2. Sumo deadlift high-pull: 75 pounds
3. Box Jump: 20? box
4. Push-press: 75 pounds
5. Row

You don’t have any idea what most of that is, do you? Here’s what it looked like last year:

Nice place, right? It’s like working out in a dungeon with windows.

ANYWAY, here’s where you come in. For every thousand dollars donated via my athlete page at FGB, I’ll pay back your kindness by posting one picture of me at FGB in increasing order of humiliation. One thousand dollars and it’ll be me shirtless, which is only mildly embarrassing. Two grand gets you a photo of me making a stupid face and sweating. $3000 and you get me curled up in the fetal position, unwilling and unable to move. Five grand is my goal, and if we hit that you get the money shot: me vomiting into a trash can.*

So please, donate now. I’ve started us off with $50, so we’re already 1% of the way there. The sooner we get to five G’s, the sooner we’ll stop reminding you to please help us support wounded veterans while also fighting cancer. You don’t want the cancer terrorists to win, do you? C’mon, let’s humiliate me for a good cause.

*assuming I vomit, which I almost certainly will

Thanks to those of you who have ponied up for a good cause. As for the rest of you? AVERT YOUR EYES!

This week, we’re holding the second annual KsK Kares Kharity Drive for Fisher House, which helps build temp housing for disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.

I’ve never understood the phrase “give till it hurts.” Whoa whoa whoa there, fella. Let’s not give TOO much, okay? I don’t want to give till it hurts. No, I like to give until I feel extremely proud of myself, without putting any kind of serious dent in my portfolio, a dent that would cause me to alter my lifestyle in any way. That just wouldn’t make any sense. The reason you give is because you CAN. That’s what makes it so lovely for all parties involved.

And with that, I’m proud to announce that Fisher House has informed us that this year’s KSK Kares Kharity Drive has already raised $2,495 to help build temporary housing for wounded veterans and their families. And that my friends, gets you an extra helping of Veronika Zemanova. Because it shouldn’t hurt to give. It should feel good. And warm. And cleavagey. And sexy as all hell.

So big thanks to all of you who donated. Haven’t pitched in yet? Well, then you aren’t getting that warm sexy feeling now, are you? You can donate directly to Fisher House here.

It’s that time of year again. As I’ve said many times before, this site exists solely for evil purposes. No good can possibly come from what we’re doing here. Which is why I like donating a small, tax-deductible amount to charity on an annual basis, to absolve myself of all past sins. It’s just as soul-cleansing as giving yourself to Jesus, without having to give yourself to Jesus.

Yes, it’s the KSK Kares Kharity Drive, where we give to charity strictly for karmic and social gain. Last year, we raised $1,565 for Fisher House, a four-star rated charity which helps build temporary housing for injured military vets and their families. And if you think I don’t quote that figure to every asshole who questions the morality of this website, then you don’t know me very well. So what if I made Peter King cry himself to sleep the other night? I SUPPORTED OUR FUCKING TROOPS. I rule.

All week long, we’ll be placing the link to directly donate to Fisher House right at the end of every post. We ask that you give what you can. Not because it makes you a nice person, but specifically because it gives you an excuse to continue being a fucking horrible person. I suggest you bring up your donation any chance you get: on dates, in job interviews, everywhere.

Use it to illicit unjustified admiration and/or sexual favors. Be sure to mention your donation very casually, almost as if it means nothing to you. “Oh last week? Well, I went to the game. Then I had to fly to Sacramento for an offsite. Oh, and I HELPED TEND TO THE CARE OF WOUNDED VETERANS, WHICH MAKES ME A BETTER PERSON THAN YOU. AND I DID IT EVEN IN THE THROES OF A TERRIBLE RECESSION. SUCK IT.”

See how subtly I did that?

To repay your generosity, all week long we’ll also be posting pictures of chicks with guns. Because it really helps keep the important things in perspective. Goddamn. Look at that thing. It’s almost as big as Shiancoe’s cock.

The link to directly donate to Fisher House is right here. And you can read more about FH here. We’re gonna try and top last year’s total. Because we care just that much. It’s almost as if we’re TOO brave and noble for our own good.

The final tally is in from our KsK Kares Charity Drive:

The total donations raised for Fisher House: $1,565. It just goes to prove: KSK is here for the children. We’re not just here for the dick jokes, people. We’re here to give back to the community, and then to brag about just how much we gave back in order to justify being total fucking dicks. I feel great!

39 of you donated, which averages out to about $40 a donation. Jesus, you people are loaded. Why can’t you give ME any of that money? Huggies are never discounted at Giant, god dammit. Everyday low prices, my ass.

So take pride, you charitable souls, and spend this weekend celebrating yourselves. Drink 1,565 beers. Eat 1,565 flautas. Beat up 1,565 Patriot fans. Write a 1,565-word epic poem about yourself in the original Latin (mine is called The Drewterralogue). Spend 1,565 seconds giving your loved one oral pleasure. Dial 1-565-156-5156 and harass whoever’s on the other end. Refresh your NFL GameCenter 1,565 times. Spend $15.65 in takeout money. You could get three chicken finger subs instead of just one, fatty! Call your mother and give her a 1,565-word diatribe about how she doesn’t appreciate you enough.

$1,565. Nicely done, people. Here’s a cheerleader in lingerie. You should tell her about just how giving you are. Maybe she’ll acknowledge you presence for longer than 1.565 seconds.

QUICK PROGRAMMING NOTE: I’ll be on WCCO Radio in Minneapolis this evening at 10:10 Central Time. You can listen here. if you so choose. I will not be sober.

UPDATE: Oops. Interview postponed to Monday.

As you know, this site is used mostly for evil purposes. And we have every intention of keeping it that way. But, since this is the opening week of the NFL, we can’t help but be downright cheery about our good fortune. So, it would seem appropriate that we make a small, fairly pathetic effort to spread that good fortune around to those in need. I have no confidence that this endeavor will help balance out our karma. It’s one dollar off a trillion dollar pile of ill will. But it’ll at least give me the illusion that I’m doing something good, and that’s all that matters.

And so today, the very same day Jerry Lewis wheels out his little retards to win your heart over, we’re holding our first ever KsK Kares Charity Drive. At the end of each post this week, we’ll be linking to an online donation form for Fisher House, an organization that helps disabled veterans and their families. Fisher House got a 4-star charity rating (out of four!) from independent evaluators, and you can elect to have 100% of the money you donate go directly to veteran care, and not overhead. Fucking overhead.

Your donation is also tax deductible. Which means you don’t have to feel like a complete bleeding heart pussy when you give. Best of all, giving to Fisher House will give you a smug sense of self-satisfaction that, I assure you, is well worth every penny. You can even mention it in passing to a dinner date. She’ll think that you’re not only kind, but also surprisingly modest about just how kind you are. That’s worth at least a handjob, according to a Neil Strauss manual I recently purchased.

The link to directly donate is right here. And you can read more about FH here. I’m giving $20, a fair price for being able to be so selfish about my selflessness. You’ll see this link at the end of each post this week. Otherwise, it’s dick jokes as usual around here. Tally ho!