Good God, people. I make a simple plea for you to donate money on behalf of wounded veterans and cancer research, set an absurdly high bar of $10,000 as the goal, and you STILL grossly exceeded my wildest hopes, raising an obscene $15,400+ (and counting) for my Fight Gone Bad effort. I’m not quite sure why people kept donating even after all of our arbitrary goals were reached, but we at KSK are humbled by your generosity, and we promise to do absolutely nothing of spiritual value for another 51 weeks.

Due to your selfless charity, I have hired a for-real professional video editor to document September 25th’s Fight Gone Bad workout, for which I will shave my head and wear rainbow snakeskin short-shorts. I’ll even contact Suzi Fox when I order the shorts and see if she can make me a rainbow snakeskin headband. And then I will never appear in public ever again.

Anyway, today’s prize-winning donor is Gaurav C., a longtime reader and commenter. Congratulations and thank you; you win comic books and free booze. Also, to anyone and everyone who donated $150 or more: email me to set up a time to collect your two drinks from my bar and four books from my library. If you live far away from New York City, then you’re still welcome if you ever come to the Windy Apple for a visit. All other prize winners: I haven’t had the chance to go to the post office this week, but I will go there tomorrow to mail your swag.

NOTE: This ends the KSK Kares Kharity Drive, but you can still donate to my FGB page up until September 25th.

Well people, you’ve earned this: the right to choose the color of the insanely short short-shorts I’ll be wearing for Fight Gone Bad. This poll will close at 5:00 p.m. Eastern on Friday. Do your worst.

Despite calls for me to get a spray tan, I’ve decided that my humiliation will be quite enough. However, an anonymous donor who works for a charitable fund is posting $5000 to my FGB effort that will hit next week. He’s a Vikings fan, so he requested that I post some fat Saints girls on KSK. Why he didn’t just ask for hot Vikings girls, I don’t know. It’s not like the fan base is restrictive; I mean, I can Photoshop Viking stuff onto hot girls. But a $5000 donation to cancer research and disabled veterans gets you what you want, so you can expect a couple Sexy Fridays to be Fat Saints Chicks Fridays…

UNLESS…

We get my total to $15,000. That gets you sexy pictures instead of fat Saints fans. WHO DAT, indeed.

Anyway, congratulations to David C., whose $325 donation gets him his choice of Y: The Last Man or DMZ. The last giveaway prize goes to the single biggest donation between now and Friday at 2:00 p.m. The final KSK Kares Update will be tomorrow, then we’ll go back to slinging dick jokes full-time. Thank you for your incredible generosity and support. And also the mean-spirited taunting.

An update to this week’s KSK Kares Kharity Drive for Fight Gone Bad: thanks to your generous contributions, you have exceeded what I thought was an unlikely goal: $11,000 (and counting). Due to that, here’s what you are guaranteed after I participate in Fight Gone Bad September 25th:

• Pictures and video of me attempting the workout. It should be interesting, as it will be my first time doing Fight Gone Bad without a left pectoral muscle, which I tore in late April.
• I’ll be sporting a freshly shaved head. Ah, nothing quite as refreshing as some good Powder jokes.
• My wardrobe will be embarrassing short-shorts in the color of your choice. There is a terrifying array of colors and patterns to choose from. To see the colors available, go to this page (questionably SFW due to packages) and scroll through the drop-down menu on the left. Yes, there is “Wet Look Hot Pink,” not to mention “Milliskin Sweet Potato,” “Rainbow Metallic Snakeskin,” and “Leopard Print.” Drop your favorites in the comments, and I’ll pick the most popular and gayest choices for a poll tomorrow.

Also, congratulations to Taylor B. and David W., who won yesterday’s contribution contest. Please email me to claim one of the following prizes:

• The History Channel’s “WWII in HD” on DVD and Blu-Ray.
• The entire series of Y: The Last Man (volumes 1-10).
• The entire series of DMZ (so far, that is: volumes 1-8).
• Garmin eTrex H handheld GPS.

Finally, with two and a half more days and our goal already achieved — and with me still giving away swag and my possessions — please add your suggestions for what other incentives I can offer for more donations. No, I will not get a tramp stamp tattoo.

Jesus H., people. I thought KSK Kares had a reasonable chance of hitting $10,000 for Fight Gone Bad by the end of the week, but I obviously underestimated the spirit of generosity among the readership. Or your bloodthirsty desire to see video of me dying while wearing hot pink stripper shorts. Whatever, the bottom line is that it’s for a good cause.

Anyway, to update you on the official tally: we went from zero to nearly $7000 in the span of 36 hours, which has catapulted me to the #1 individual fundraiser for Fight Gone Bad and my hometown CrossFit South Brooklyn to the #2 overall gym. That kind of support is both astounding and preposterous, and I thank you for it. And just as soon as Fight Gone Bad contacts me about the free iPad…

…then I will send it off to KSK reader Sanjay M., who made a remarkable and generous donation of $650. I will try to forward the iPad on to him without getting too many fingerprints on it first.

I’ll announce another winner tomorrow, but for now the frontrunner looks to be Taylor B., who mistakenly paid rent to my donation page. To everyone else who isn’t wealthy: every little bit pushes me closer to public humiliation, so keep the 5-, 10-, and 20-dollar donations coming. Also, a reminder: $150 gets you books and drinks at my apartment. And yes, if there’s booze in it, I can make it and make it well.

Finally, I happen to know that exactly 82 awesome people have donated so far, and yet KSK averages about 30,000 readers a day. STOP HOLDING OUT, SCROOGE.

Here at Kissing Suzy Kolber, we’re dedicated to making the crudest, cruelest, and most profane jokes — usually about the NFL, but sometimes about other subjects in order to spread the hate around. We tell fistfuls of dick jokes. We call things “gay” even though we know we shouldn’t. We get accused of misogyny. We’re horrible people for doing what we do, and you’re not much better for reading it.

That’s why we do KSK Kares. For one week a year, we pick a good cause and try to raise some money for it. It’s a karmic Hail Mary — right now, the score at KSK is 51 weeks of evil to zero weeks of good since the last football season started, and we need a big score.

And so, like last year, I’m going to participate in Fight Gone Bad, which this year benefits Livestrong and the Wounded Warrior Project. (You’ve no doubt heard about Livestrong thanks to Lance Armstrong and Nike; the Wounded Warrior Project is dedicated to helping injured veterans adjust to life after war through advocacy, counseling, and various programs.)

However, KSK wouldn’t ask for you to give money without offering something in return. This year, I’m offering readers two different kinds of incentives:

1. Prizes to individuals who donate the most money, and
2. Fundraising benchmarks that increase the public humiliation I subject myself to. I’m talking embarrassment like I’ve never experienced before. And I’ve been filmed in a public park in my underwear.

Interested? Read on for an instructive FAQ.

Read the rest of this entry »

Hey, who’s a gigantic tool?

THIS GUY.

For those of you who are late getting to the charitable party, the astoundingly generous KSK community raised $8,346 dollars for my participation in Fight Gone Bad IV, which just so happened to be the second-highest total of the 5000 CrossFit athletes who participated, an effort that helped FGB raise over $1 million for the Wounded Warrior Project and Athletes for a Cure. You are all to be commended and rewarded, and the only way that I can reward you is by offering up my sweaty, imperfect being for your satanically cruel scrutiny.

After the jump is my Fight Gone Bad experience in words and pictures, as promised. Be warned: male shirtlessness and vomit ensue.

Read the rest of this entry »

“Hey, what’s goin’ on? … Me? Oh, not much. Just doing weighted squats with a kettlebell on the beach at sunset. Got some Uggs on ‘cuz it’s kinda cold.”

Well folks, although there’s still another week until Fight Gone Bad, but this post marks the end of our annual KSK Kares Kharity Drive. As I write this, we’ve raised $4,795 towards my goal of $5000, and so far your efforts have put me in 4th place in money raised to benefit the Wounded Warrior Project and Athletes for a Cure. That’s out of thousands and thousands of athletes competing.

If you’d like to help make a final push and help me attain (and exceed) my goal, please donate here. It’d be pretty cool to finish #1 overall and help out some veterans and cancer patients in the process. Otherwise, feel free to enjoy these lovely ladies of CrossFit.

UPDATE on the puking situation: For those of you who are donating only to see pictures of me vomiting, good news: I booted after a 2000-meter row last night. It doesn’t mean I’ll necessarily do it at FGB, but it’s certainly a good sign for you.

Apologies for yet another departure from the subject of football, but I wanted to say thank you to everyone who donated to my Fight Gone Bad effort to support wounded veterans and prostate cancer research. In the last 24 hours, KSK readers donated over $2000 to FGB IV, bringing my tally to over $4000 and guaranteeing you, the reader, four humiliating pictures of me looking ill while throwing a medicine ball or struggling to get 75 pounds overhead for the fortieth time.

Anyway, our most generous donations yesterday came from readers Ace Bandito of James W. Brown Animations and Mark Curtis. Mark deferred on the prize, so Ace is the proud owner of a pair of Oakley Gascans. And if you don’t think they’re cool, check out how awesome that dog looks. Congratulations to Ace, and thank you again to everyone who donated.

One final thing. The person who made the third-highest donation wrote something that impressed me even more than his generous gift, and I wanted to share it with you because he’s KSK’s de facto Nice Human being of the Week:

If my donation is in fact big enough to win the Oakleys, I ask that you keep my name anonymous on the site.  Being lauded for my “charitable magnanimity and general physical attractiveness” sounds pretty damn good  but this donation isn’t about me so I would appreciate you keeping me anonymous (and I’m not trying to sound presumptuous because here’s to hoping that someone else donates more than I do).  All that I ask is that you give a shout out to The Vikes and ND Football in some way if possible.  Not too much to ask, though I’m sure you’ll get some shit for anything regarding ND.  Thanks, and good luck at FGB.

No, it certainly isn’t too much to ask. See below.

You know, I very occasionally go to business meetings or blog-centric parties where people are always lauding blogs for their voices and praising the few of us professional bloggers while using words like “tastemakers” and “trailblazers,” and it always feels completely false, because I always keep blogs’ influence in perspective. The percentage of the American population that knows this site is preposterously small. Most of the people I’ve met in my life have no idea what I do or how I’m able to make a living off of it. Day-to-day life out in the real world makes the importance of a blog feel pretty small.

But then we ask you to help out for a cause, and you give us $4000 in the heart of a recession. It is absolutely humbling, and on behalf of Athletes for a Cure and the Wounded Warrior Project, I thank you for your support. I look forward to puking for you.

Read the rest of this entry »

I know you’re all focused on the new NFL season and busy trawling the waiver wire for fantasy pick-ups, but I wanted to briefly thank everyone who has donated to my participation in Fight Gone Bad IV, which benefits Athletes for a Cure and the Wounded Warrior Project (more on all that here).

Yesterday, KSK readers donated $615 to my fund, which currently stands at more than $1900. Unbeknownst to me, there was something called the FGB IV Home Stretch Challenge, and $615 was more than any other athlete raised yesterday, so I won said challenge. The prize: a pair of limited edition Oakley Gascan sunglasses. These are nice sunglasses. But I don’t deserve them; you do. (Besides, my charming translucent pallor prevents me from experiencing direct sunlight.)

Perhaps in a perfect world, I could break the sunglasses into scores of different-sized pieces and mail every donor a sunglass shard proportionate to their gift. Instead, let’s do this: make a donation, then forward me the email you receive confirming your donation (my email). The person who makes the largest donation between now and 5 p.m. Eastern tomorrow will be lauded on this blog for their charitable magnanimity and general physical attractiveness — and he or she will also be the proud new owner of a pair of limited edition Oakley Gascan sunglasses.

Also: consider this a reminder to send us questions for tomorrow’s sex/fantasy football mailbag. Naturally, we’ll favor submissions from people who have donated to FGB.

MOAR $ PLZ. Congratulations, sexy readers: we’ve cracked the $1000 mark in the KSK Kares Kharity Drive to benefit my impending ass-kicking in Fight Gone Bad IV, benefiting the Wounded Warrior Project and Athletes for a Cure. Unfortunately, we’ve still got a ways to get to the $5000 goal.

As incentive, I shall post photos of the delightfully in-shape women of CrossFit until we get to 5 G’s. (Just as a general suggestion to every woman in the world: you are hereby invited to do more squats. Yowza.) Also, I realize we have female/gay readers, so here’s a little somethin’ for you, too.

If you haven’t donated yet (or feel like donating again — c’mon, you don’t need that lap dance), you can do so here. Thanks for all your generosity so far. (click image for larger)